It's an old cliche, but how fast time flies... today is already 01 Oct . October had been the month that I was eagerly looking forward to since Feb 09, when I first discovered I was pregnant. Chloe was supposed to be due on 14 Oct. Finally, my long-awaited October is here, but so what? All the excitement has gone, the anticipation is no more, there is nothing to look forward to, I don't have a baby due on 14 Oct 2009 anymore. That baby of mine was born and then died on 26 June 09.
Now, the only feelings I have for October are pain, sadness, helplessness and fear. Yes, fear. Fear because I really don't know whether I will be able to cope mentally and emotionally on the day/ week of 14 Oct. I am afraid I will just raise the white flag and surrender to the pain and anguish, which had been a close companion of mine since 26 June. As the days go by, I can feel part of my life and myself ebbing away.. and when it reaches its peak on 14 Oct, I may very well just give in to the sweet tempation. The draw on the other side is just too strong... to be free from this pain, to be free from all the tears and to be reunited with my babies. That'd be pure bliss...
Today, I will begin the agonizing countdown to 14 Oct; the day I was supposed to become a mom to my little princess. I only held Chloe for a moment in my arms, but she'd live in my heart for a lifetime cos it is where she belongs.
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