My Babies, My Teachers

I met a business associate for lunch yesterday. I have known him and his wife for some years but have not met him in quite a while. Midway through lunch, he asked me whether I planned to expand my family. It caught me unaware and I wondered if I should just fob him off with a 'Yeah, soon...' or tell him the truth.

It was an easy decision actually. I am not ashamed of my miscarriages and I am certainly not ashamed of my babies. In fact, I am proud of them... for the brave fight both of them put up for trying to come into this world and to be part of our family. So I told him all about my Lucas and Chloe, and the damn thrombophilia. He's got young children himself, and as I was sharing my heartache and pain with him, I also reminded him to treasure his 'gifts', for they are all blessings.

I think it's just human nature that you never realise how much something means to you until it's gone, and you never know how much you love someone until you've lost them. But why is it that it takes a loss for us to learn how to treasure? I only wish I had properly treasured every moment I had with Lucas and Chloe.

* Lucas, I only had you for such a short period time... 14 weeks is not enough. In fact, a lifetime won't even suffice. I wish we had more time together, but those 14 weeks were magical. You gave me the delights and excitement of being a first-time mom, you taught me how to love unconditionally, you opened up my eyes on what a fabulous daddy that Mark will be, and you made me realise how much I want to be a mom. You brought so much joy into our lives during that 14 short weeks, but most importantly, you made me realise just how much your daddy loves me and how strong he can be.

* Chloe, I had the honour of spending 24 weeks with you, feel you moving inside me, holding you in my arms, and kissing your tiny body. It is a humbling experience. I learnt so much from you, like I did from Lucas. You gave me hope when life was bleak. When I thought my heart could never accommodate another baby, you made me understand how love has no boundaries. I did not have to 'divide' my love into 2 when you came along.. my heart simply grew to accommodate you. You gave me the joy of watching you suckle on your thumb through the ultrasound scan, and you made me learn and accept that I am only a 'mere human' who needs help from others during my weakest moment.

My babies may have been here for only a very short time, but in this very short time, they have both taught and given me so much... these are things that I'd never have learnt/ experienced without them. However, there is just one thing that I wish they didn't make me learn - it is the feeling of heartache.. The tears and pain of a bereaved mother.