Done & Dusted

We have finally decided on the English name for our niece/ god-daughter... Rynae - 'Ryn-nae' pronounced like in Renee. Not certain yet if it's going to be single 'n' or double 'n' in the middle, i.e. Rynae or Rynnae... The name 'Renee' goes well with her surname and Chinese name, but I didn't want to stick with the usual/ traditional spelling of 'Renee' because I've heard of instances where people here pronounce 'Renee' as 'Ree-nee' (as in Reenie/ Reeny), which I think is quite horrible. Hence I came up with the variation in spelling... Additonally, a fortune teller who specializes in names told me that it's good to have alphabets like y/q/g/j in a name because the lower extension of those characters represent/ look like a money bag. As such, ideally you should have more of those alphabets in your name... the more the merrier (or richer)!!! (Ok frankly I don't really believe in it and I think it's B.S, but I guess there's no harm too. Hmm... maybe I should change the spelling of my name from Shane to Shayne... it looks more feminine and more importantly, there's a money bag!)

Her Chinese name is Lee Rui Ying, 李睿颖. The middle character has 2 meanings (below) and the last character basically has the same connotation as meaning #2 below.

#1) it is a distinctive term used to refer to royalty in olden days;

#2) wise, clever and far-sighted

And with this, a baby girl has been named.

It's been rather stressful cos Mark and I have been tasked with naming my niece/ god-daughter... It's such an honour but there's also a great deal of pressure because the kid will be stuck with the name that we choose for her, and if the name sucks, she'd probably be ridiculed when she goes to school. It'd have been nice if we'd been given ample time, but I am no longer surprised because that's just how laidback my brother-in-law is.
They will need to file the registration papers latest by tomorrow, and last night I was up till 3am scouring the internet for options... because I went to bed so late (early??!), I missed my alarm clock this morning and was nearly late for my appointment with the fertility doctor (appointment was at 8.30am and we woke up at 8am!!). Good thing our place is only a 5min drive to the hospital.

While waiting for my turn at the clinic, I was still googling for names and was getting rather confused. Out of desperation, I told Mark to randomly pick from a list of 100 girl names. All he had to do was to close his eyes and just point his finger to any spot on the iPad screen. He did it to humour me and he didn't see the list of names prior to that. Guess where his finger pointed to? Out of the 100 names, his finger pointed to 'Chloe'... we stared at each other in disbelief. Somehow I wasn't overly surprised because Chloe always seems to have special bond with Mark and is always sending him subtle little signs. Stroke of luck or pure coincidence, I really have no clue. Anyway we definitely won't be using this name because Mark's family knows that this is what we named our little girl.

I have already picked out the Chinese name yesterday with consensus from the rest of the family, so we are now left with her English name. My brother-in-law prefers an English name that'd complement nicely with the surname and Chinese name. Currently we are down to 3 names and hopefully we will have something by today.

27 Jan --- Part II

Today, 27 Jan, just became even more significant. About an hour ago, our niece arrived into the world. She made her appearance slightly earlier than her expected due date of 08 Feb. When my brother-in-law informed me this afternoon that his wife is in labour and due to deliver 'anytime', I was pleasantly surprised because of the significance of the date.

It's such a sweet coincidence that our little niece picked this day to come into the world... Did she know how much this day means to me? Did Chloe arrange for her to arrive today? Is this some kind of message? It had already been previously discussed and agreed with my brother-in-law and parents-in-law that Mark and I will be the god-parents of this baby, and our god-daughter arriving on this special date is the icing on the cake... Somehow things just feel 'right'. I can't quite put a finger to it, but it's a nice, peaceful feeling.

Quite a while back when Mark and I had our fortunes told, we were told that it'd be good for us to have a baby born in the year of the Tiger, which will end in exactly a week's time. Unfortunately I failed to deliver (pun fully intended), but at least now we have our tiger cub in the form of our god-daughter (who was supposed to be a little rabbit if she arrived on her due date or if she arrived a week later).

I can't wait to meet her and spoil her rotten... According to Mark's family, the baby resembles her mom (which I think it's good news for her). She's still nameless currently, no thanks to her super laidback father. I just hope he doesn't come up with a really weird name for her...

**********************************************

To Mummy's Angels - Lucas and Chloe,

Today, you have a brand new cousin/ god-sister. Please watch over her and make sure that she grows up healthy and well. I dearly hope that both of you can be here to welcome her, and I long to watch you guys playing together, fighting for toys together, learning together, going to school together and growing up together... but all of it is not meant to be.

Don't forget our agreement ok? I will meet you when my chores are through, and with each passing day, our reunion gets closer.

Missing you dearly,

Mummy

27 Jan --- Part I

27 Jan... yet another significant day in my life. I woke up knowing that it is going to be a tough day ahead. Exactly 2 years ago, I conceived my precious Chloe. If I've remembered correctly, it's also the first day of the Chinese New Year of the Ox.

Two years on, no Chloe; no baby; not pregnant.

We were doing up the house in preparation for Chinese New Year, which is slightly over a week away. Mark was certainly more into it than I was... I was flipping through the day's papers and totally immersed on reading about Singapore's declining fertility rate while he was diligently working his way around the house putting up decorations here and there (and everywhere... I suspect he and my mom are having some sort of a 'competition' with the decorations every Chinese New Year).

Then Mark came across the sticker with the Chinese word 'Abundance'. We'd normally stick it onto the refridgerator or on the rice canister, but I think dear hubby found a more appropriate place to stick it this year - on my tummy. May my tummy be blessed with a year of abundance. (I should also find the Chinese characters for 'Succcess' and stick it on as well...).

Abundance PLUS Success... what a great way to start off the Year of the Rabbit. Hope that I will have a bun in the oven and a little 'bunny' by the end of the year.

(I was still in my Tatty Teddy pyjamas when the photo was taken.. hee)

Here's my dosage of Chinese medication that I take on alternate days... Little harmless looking sachets (sixteen in fact) of various Chinese herbs that's been powdered down.

Empty all sixteen sachets into a mug and the concoction still looks rather harmless...

Ahhh, but how things change when you add in some hot water... the harmless concoction is transformed into a vile tasting cocktail that smells and tastes even worse than it looks. I'm supposed to add in a cup of water, but I only add in half the quantity so that I can gulp it down quickly... the only drawback is that the mixture is thick rather granular and chalky.

Surprisingly, it is working. I took the Chinese medicine concurrently with my Western medication (it's fine as long as they are taken 2 hours apart). Usually, my period will only come 2-3 days after I complete the course of Western medicine, but this time, my period came even before I completed my course of Western medicine!!

Mark bought me this figurine of 3 cherubs to add to my collection. Initially I wasn't very keen on getting it even I do like it a lot cos I really think I have enough angels this lifetime and am inclined not to want to 'add to the collection'. But as usual, what Mark wants, Mark gets!!

We had to clear up some stuff to make room for this figurine because it is a lot bigger from the rest of my collection, but it does look really nice sitting at the new spot we found for it.

Presents for my soon-to-be-arriving niece... I hope that she likes all the little pink jumpsuits, mittens and booties that I selected for her. I hope I haven't overdone it since they seem to grow so quickly. (According to my mom-in-law, I bought so much stuff for my nephew when he was born 6 years ago that most of the items are either brand new or only worn once or twice before he outgrew them. Oops...)

It seems like Singapore's declining fertility is the 'hot topic' these days... In yesterday's papers, there was an article covering 2 full pages on '10 ways to have more babies'. Naturally, I read it with a lot of interest and thought.

Out of the 10 ways listed, three of them (below) interest and appealed to me most simply because I think it'd help ME in my road to becoming a mother.

• Allow surrogate pregnancies
• Promote IVF
• Adopt babies

Mark and I have discussed surrogate pregnancies countless times before, and if it does become legal in Singapore, I will be the first one signing up for it because I think it'd be a sure proof way for us. Mark and I have proven that we can produce healthy offsprings if it weren't for my body's betrayal. As long as it is not my inferior body carrying the baby for 40 weeks, that baby will have a much higher chance of surviving in another woman's womb. Other than not carrying the baby in my womb for 40 weeks, that baby will be 100% ours biologically. Unfortunately, it is not legal here yet although there are countries where this is already being practiced. Very recently, Nicole Kidman and her hubby welcomed their 2nd biological child through a surrogate mother.

It'd take a VERY long time before surrogacy becomes legal in Singapore, IF it'd ever happen at all because of peoples' mindset and also because of possible legal and social repercussions. I guess I'll have to 'park' this option unless I relocate to Australia or USA.

Desperate Times; Desperate Measures --> Acupuncture

Monday morning, I made a spur of the moment decision to go back and see the TCM practitioner whom I last saw a year ago. I stopped seeing him last year because of my crazy work and travelling schedule. His clinic is always packed to the rafters after office hours and on weekends. The waiting, consultation and treatment (acupuncture) time can take also take quite a while, so it was impossible for me to sneak there during working hours.

Now that I am not working, I can go and see him on weekdays during work hours where the wait is considerably shorter. I have also been reading up on the link between TCM and fertility and it seems that even Western doctors believe that TCM does assist with some aspects of fertility, particularly in increasing the endometrium lining (ET), which is one of the areas of challenge for me. Ideally, for conception to take place and for the pregnancy to be sustainable, ET should be around 11mm or more (especially for patients undergoing fertility treatments), however, my ET during the last 3 cycles only ranged around 8mm-9mm, which is rather low considering all the fertility drugs I have consumed and injected into my body.

Some Western doctors have recommend for their patients to use TCM prior to attempting IVF and even concurrently while undergoing IVF procedures. I know of some hospitals in Singapore who employ both Western and traditional Chinese treatment for couples undergoing fertility procedures. For me, desperate times call for desperate measures... Before I go back to see Dr Anu (my Western doctor), I thought it'd also be good to give TCM another go since the nurse in Dr Anu's clinic did ask me to try out acupuncture previously because it'd help to increase my ET.

I had my first consultation and acupuncture session yesterday afternoon and the acupuncture points were at the ears, ankles and abdomen area. I was nursing a super bad migraine attack before I went and was almost tempted to postpone the appointment to another day... painkillers were of no use to me at all. However, after the acupuncture session and a 3 minute neck rub by the TCM practitioner, my 2 day old migraine miraculously began to subside on the spot and it went away totally within 30 minutes, without any medication at all!! This is the first time in my life that a bad migraine had gone off so quickly. I even managed to go for a swim once I got home. Ahhh.. magic!!! Hope this man can work the same magic with my fertility problems too.

This article was on the front page of today's newspaper... It seems that Singapore's fertility rate was at an all time low last year at 1.16, compared with the rate of 1.22 the year before. However, these rates are well below the required rate of 2.1, which is needed for the population to 'replenish' itself.

I am one of the 'guilty' ones for not contributing to our population growth... but it's not that I didn't try hard enough. Instead of contributing to the fertility rate, I have instead contributed to the mortality rate.

************************************************

Dear Mr Deputy Prime Minister of Singapore,

I am sorry I have not done my part in contributing to Singapore's fertility rate, thereby indirectly resulting in the need for the government to bring in more foreigners. However, I assure you that it is certainly not from the lack of trying. In fact, I have been trying for the past 3 years to add a new Singapore citizen to our population. I will continue to strive until I achieve my aim (or until the doctors deem that I am too old or too hopeless).

It'd be really helpful though, if subsidies for assisted reproduction procedures can be improved/ increased from what is currently in place. The current setup only allows for the withdrawal of S$6,000, S$5,000 and S$4,000 for the first, second and third treatment cycles respectively. All remaining balance for these 3 cycles will have to be topped up in cash, and after the third treatment cycle, full expenses will have to be borne by the couple in cash. Each cycle can easily cost from S$10,000 up to S$15,000.

So how about allowing us to use a fixed percentage of what we have in our Medisave account instead of the fixed amount? This will enable people who have more money tied in their Medisave to choose to use it for fertility procedures if they so desire. I have a fairly sizeable amount in my Medisave which I'd love to be able to use for fertility procedures. I'd like to use it to pro-create rather than have it just 'locked' there until retirement age. This will allow some couples (like us) to have the opportunity to go for more treatment cycles should they be unsuccessful in the earlier cycles, or if they intend to add more to their brood later on.

I am confident this will have an impact in driving up our decreasing fertilty rate.

Faithfully yours,

A woman who is trying to do her part to increase Singapore's fertility rate

We made a rather last minute decision to visit Mark's family yesterday. Initially we didn't plan to go back until Chinese New Year, but as we've bought some new clothes for Mark's parents for the new year, as well as the usual new year food items (i.e. fish maw, abalone) for Mark's grandmother, we decided to go back earlier so that we can bring it back to them.

Our sis-in-law should be due anytime now... she is reaching her 38th week but her tummy still looks very 'compact' and under baggy clothes, it's hard to see that she's reaching the final stages of pregnancy. I guess it's because her build is slim and petite, so her baby bump is following suit.

Actually I am rather excited to meet my new niece, but at the same time, I feel rather sorry for her too because I learnt from my mom-in-law that they only bought ONE new piece of clothing for the baby. This is because there's been a constant succession of babies within Mark's family in recent years, so there are a lot of hand-me-downs. However, all the babies that arrived prior to this are boys, so this poor little girl will be stuck with blue (second/ third hand) clothes and second (possibly third or even fourth hand) baby cot/ stroller/ bassinet. (There's not much my sis-in-law can do to improve or change anything because she is a foreigner in a new country; a new bride; a newcomer in a large household; a new mother and a new daughter-in-law all in a very short space of time. I do feel a tad sorry for her too because I am sure for any first time mother, in excitement of expecting your firstborn, you'd want to give her the best of everything within your means.)

In Mark's family, babies come rather easily (and frequently), so there's not much of a 'big deal' when a new one arrives into the family... Maybe that's why there isn't much ado or fanfare in welcoming this new arrival. I have decided to take things into my own hands and get her some brand new pink necessities (clothing, booties, mittens, towels) and possibly a toy or two... well, Pink is my favourite color after all. Mark's brother (i.e the father-to-be) is so laidback that he hasn't even thought of possible names for his daughter, so we spent quite some time yesterday shortlisting a couple of names. According to my sis-in-law, she 'complained' to me that he doesn't even know which hospital she is going to and which doctor she's seeing.

The contrast is so stark... IF this was my baby, I am sure Mark and I would already have a selection of names ready and the nursery would have already been done up with piles of baby necessities, clothes, toys, etc on 'stand-by'. I guess when something comes easily to you, you tend not to treasure it as much or it wouldn't seem as precious... On the contrary, if this is somthing that you want dearly and fought tooth and nail to get, you'd treat it like a previous gem.

Sigh... such is life... ironic and so very cruel. It mocks you in the face without an ounce of sympathy.

Mark has been asking me a number of times over the last 2 weeks about where we are with the fertility treatment. I have given us/ myself a short break for the past 7 weeks. Unfortunately during this time, my period didn't come... it should have been due right around Christmas Day (ok plus or minus a day or two). I was kind of hoping against all hopes that it'd regulate itself for once, but that didn't happen... and no signs of it up till now. Certainly am not pregnant too.

So next step will be to start with the medication to 'induce' it... If I start taking it today, I should get it in exactly one week's time. Once it comes, I'd have to call to make an appointment to see my doctor on Day 7. And so the whole routine will start...

Mark is keen for us to start IVF immediately rather than wasting more time and more money on the less invasive treatment that I had previously. I'm just a tad apprehensive and scared of what it'd entail, i.e. the cost, the process, the degree of pain. Most of all, I am terrified that:

1) We won't conceive with IVF (success rateof IVF is slightly higher than that of a normal cycle)

2) We'd succeed in getting pregnant and end up losing the baby at a later stage.

3) What would I/ we do then if the above happens? Call it quits for good or try again?

I have been following the news on the Queensland floods over the last few days. Mark has got some cousins residing in Queensland and I sent an email to one of them to check on how she is managing because she has got a young son. She told me two days ago that the supermarket shelves were bare and they have lost their power supply.

Each time, photos and video footages of the stricken Aussie state leaves me in sadness and shock. People fleeing from their homes, pets and wildlife struggling to keep their heads above the rising flood waters, destroyed homes (and family for some)... There's certainly nothing 'sunshine' about the Sunshine State now.

The most touching (and devastating) piece of story so far is of a boy who sacrificed his life for his younger brother's (story here). He's only 13, barely a teenager, but what he's done is so heroic... R.I.P little mate. It makes me wonder who I would give up my life for, and who would YOU give up YOUR life for?

In the supplementarty edition of today's newspaper, there was a write-up on ectopic pregnancies and the doctor whom I usually see was interviewed. For my last pregnancy, this was one of the 2 suspected causes of its failure. Dr Anu wasn't able to locate any gestational sac in my uterus at 5 plus weeks, which should normally be detectable at that stage. At the same time, she didn't locate them it in my fallopian tubes too... basically I had a 'missing gestational sac'. Unlike with my other 2 pregnancies, we were able to see the sac at about 5 weeks and the heartbeat around 8 weeks.

The other suspected cause for the failure of that pregnancy was simply because something happened during the mitosis process where the cells doubles by dividing into two cells. This two-week stage (germinal period of development) covers the time of conception to the implantation of the embryo in the uterus... this would probably account for my increased HCG levels but inability to locate the sac anywhere because the zygote failed to develop properly into a embroyo which would then be implanted in my uterus.

I still find it very hard to comprehend why so many women can conceive and subsequently deliver a healthy baby without batting an eyelid, whereas I struggle so hard to conceive, and whether or not my pregancy can last the entire 40 weeks is a big question in itself. I am begining to see myself as a textbook case of what you don't want to happen to you when you are trying to conceive and/ or are pregnant. Somewhat like a freak of nature.

I came across a very good article - 'Sustainable Love - The Happy Marriage is the 'Me' Marriage' by Tara Parker-Pope and it totally conveyed what I feel about marriage. I wanted Mark to read it too since we are in it together, but he couldn't be bothered at all, so I read it out aloud to him though I don't know how much he absorbed. (I am hoping that he will read it here now...LOL!!)

What the author wrote is exactly what I have been trying to tell Mark all these while, just that the author did it more succinctly. Marriages have evolved with time... in this day and age, people stay together not purely because of love (although it is a key criterion), but also because of 'self-expansion' (at least I know I do).

I spent some time last evening sorting through and organizing Lucas and Chloe's 'Treasure Chests'. My intention was really to put their birthday cards back into their respective chest, which is long overdue. Chloe's card has been lying on my desk since October, and Lucas' since December. Frankly, opening the Treasure Chests is something that I try to avoid/ delay subconsciously because looking at all the contents of each individual chest makes my heart very heavy. Every single item in the chests brings back so much memories, both happy and/ or sad. It's now been two-and-a-half years since we lost Lucas, and one-and-a-half years since we lost Chloe, but the memories of the short time they spent with us remain so vivid.

So can time really heal all wounds? My answer still remains a resolute 'No' (not even the slightest bit). Maybe one day, I will be able to 'let go', but for now and for the foreseeable future, I do not see it happening.

My Darling Little Boy's 2nd Birthday Card

My Precious Little Princess' 1st Birthday Card

Mark had been ordering some stuff online and he ran out of names to use (it's a long story, but for the record, even Hershey's name wasn't spared). In the end, he resorted to using Lucas and Chloe's names. I got a shock when the courier came to deliver the 2 packages meant for 'Lee, Lucas' and 'Lee, Chloe'.

If my last pregnancy had been normal and successful, I'd have reached the first trimester mark today. According to the information provided by the iPhone app, iPregnancy, 'this marks the begining of the second trimester, and the risk of miscarriage is reduced significantly.' (For the record, since I lost both Lucas and Chloe post first trimester, I challenge that statement.)

WTF??!

A friend/ ex-colleague/ ex-client is due to deliver her baby girl today (probably right at this moment if I can recall the time correctly) by scheduled caesarean section. She had struggled a little with conception due to health issues, but she consulted a traditional Chinese practioner and fell pregnant successfully on her first attempt. Once she got pregnant, she had a smooth and non-eventful 9 months. My sis-in-law, who is due to deliver my niece in exactly one month's time, also had a very uneventful pregnancy. Both of them, as did the majority of the 'normal' pregnant female population, seem to breeze through the whole 9 months with nary a hair out of place.

So why am I 'blessed' with pregnancies that are like roller-coaster rides? I don't think I am doing anything differently from the other women - I practised abstinence once I found out I was pregnant, I am careful with what I eat and drink, I try not to move about unnecessarily, I sit or lie down whenever I have the chance, I don't lift/ carry heavy stuff, I take all my antenatal vitamins religiously...

I truly envy women who have normal pregnancies that last the whole 9 months, aside from the normal symtoms of course. With Lucas, things started to become 'abnormal' on Week 8 when I experienced heavy bleeding out of the blue. This bleeding subsided to spotting that persisted till Week 14 when I lost him. For the 6 months that I had Chloe, the pregnancy was totally a breeze, that is right until Week 24 when my bl**dy waterbag decided to break for no reason. Overnight, I went from the highs of being a soon-to-be mummy to the lows of a mother grieving for premature birth and eventual death of her baby. With my third pregnancy, I lost my 'little one' before I even had the chance to let any happiness sink in.

WTF??

First Day of School

Today is the first day of a brand new school year for many excited children (and worried parents). Through Facebook, I have noticed that many of my friends' kids are going to school for the first time today, and the parents seem more concerned and anxious than their little 'uns.

Everytime I think about primary school, I am reminded of my own childhood when either my dad or my mom will take turns to bring me downstairs to wait for the school bus at 6.30am. Those memories are still remarkably clear in my mind because I totally dreaded going to school... Perhaps it wasn't the going to school part that I dreaded, but the part where I had to be away from my parents. Looking back, I do think I have 'separation anxiety' issues, which I had most likely also carried into adulthood.

On this day, I used to be reminded of my own past, but now I also wonder about my future. Will I have the chance to walk in the footsteps of an anxious parent sending his/ her child to school for the first time? Will I ever get to sit beside my child and help him/ her with homework like what my dad used to do? Will I get to sharpen my child's pencils and color pencils every night after my child goes to bed? Will I ever get to iron my child's uniforms?

Happy 2011

To my Angels,

Happy New Year to you... yet another year had passed without you by my side and sometimes I wonder how I've managed to pull through all those days without you. Missing you has become something that Daddy and I do on a daily basis, and on special occasions and anniversaries, things become exceptionally tough because we want you here with us... we want us to be a complete family... we want our house to become a home... we want to be parents of children that other people can see...

Although it is one day further from when I last saw you, my only consoldation is it is also one day closer to the next time we see each other. I am counting down to that day, and I hope we don't have too long to wait. Love is stronger than death because even though it can't stop death from happening, no matter how hard death tries, it can't separate people from love. It can't take away our memories either.

"From now and then, till I see you again, I'll be loving you.

Love, Me"

Sending you lots of love,

Mummy