I am having a serious case of craving for Goodwood Park Hotel's durian snowskin mooncake. It had been on my mind for many days, and the I have been thinking about it so much so that I think it's making me cranky. I don't remember having any other cravings throughout this pregnancy with the exception of this. Since Mid-Autumn Festival is a fortnight away, it's very hard to keep it out of my mind because I see advertisements for mooncakes everywhere (since I am home-bound, my definition of 'everywhere' is limited to the television, magazines and newspapers).

I am sure it is sugar laden and will do 'wonders' to by glucose level, but I am sure a teeny-weeny biece wouldn't hurt, right? I have tried convincing Mark that it is little bun who wants a taste of it and not me... sad to say, he's not buying it. Any kind soul wants to buy and send it to me? Pretty please?

Yesterday would have been my very first time voting for the President of Singapore (the 7th President in the history of SIngapore), but as chance would have it, I wasn't granted the permission to go by my 'big boss', aka Mark, who insisted that I should not be 'running around' unnecessarily. Dr Anu wrote me a letter plus gave me a medical certificate so that I can be exempted from voting (and not have to pay the reinstatement fee later on).

It's just as well that I didn't have to cast my vote cos I am torn on whom I should vote for out of the 4 candidates. Ok, actually I only have 2 of them on my shortlist, i.e. the 'first runner-up' and the one who eventually won (in order of preference). This is the only year that two national elections were held in one same year.. rather interesting. Although the candidate that I favour didn't win, the die is cast and the 'best man' in the eyes of most Singaporeans will be the next elected President of my tiny motherland.

All 3 of my check-ups on Friday went swimmingly well. Dr Anu said there's very little we can do now except to continue to pray hard and hope that little bun stays put for as long as he/she can inside my tummy. It is already a huge blessing that we have now passed the crucial 'safety period'... Our aim now is to pray that little bun is born as close to 38 weeks of gestation as possible so as to ensure that little bun will not have any of the health complications of a premature baby. These complications increase the earlier the baby is born, hence little bun really needs to stay 'in' for as long as possible. At this stage on the medical front, we have already done all possible and the rest now lay in the hands of God.

I am trying to do all I can to prolong the pregnancy for as possible by taking all my medication and injections without fail... and also by putting my legs up and lying in bed as much as possible. If I haven't calculated wrongly, I have been on bedrest for 5 coming to 6 weeks already.

Mark still warns me not to place my hopes too high and to continue to keep the faith. It's rather sad cos unlike most soon-to-be parents who would by now have decorated the nursery and bought heaps of new clothings and toys for their new arrival, Mark and I have not bought one single item for little bun. Not a bootie, not a toy. However, I am sure we will make it up to him/her when he/she is born.

It's going to be a long day today as I have 3 back-to-back medical appointments starting from 1.30pm till 5pm. One with the haematologist, one for the weekly scan and then of course the most important one which is my date with little bun and Dr Anu. If all goes well, this should be my final appointment with the haematologist. I hope she sticks by her decision during my last appointment with her in July that I won't be needing anymore IVIG. In total, we have spent a staggering S$14,000 on IVIG alone.

My mom will be accompanying me later, as she did for the previous 2 visits. While I am grateful for her company, her presence makes me nervous and more stressed out I already am. Cannot quite figure out why, but that's the way it is...

A friend from the US whom I got to know through dog-blogging shared a link on infertility with me and I totally love the article cos I could identify with it. The writer took the words right out of my mouth... each and every single word. Only a person who has walked down that path will understand and truly know how it feels to walk in the long and rather lonely road of infertility.

It is also not easy on the friends of couples who are undergoing fertility treatments and to really comprehend what that couple is going through... It takes a lot of effort, it takes time, it takes empathy, it takes a non-judgemental mind, it takes love and above all, it tests the foundations of the friendship and pushes it to its limits. However, sometimes all that is needed is simply a listening ear and occasional words of support and ecouragement.

This friend of mine whom I have known for a few years, is my age and also has PCOS. She and her hubby had been trying to conceive for a number of years, but to no avail. She took fertility drugs (Clomid, etc) for quite a while, but sadly, she hasn't managed to fall pregnant despite suffering through all the unwanted side effects (hot flushes, headaches, weight gain, etc). Until recently, she'd all but given up and decided to take a break because she's had enough of the emotional rollercoaster rides that she had to undergo monthly.

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Infertility Etiquette (read full article here)


Chances are, you know someone who is struggling with infertility. More than seven million people of childbearing age in the United States experience infertility. Yet, as a society, we are woefully uninformed about how to best provide emotional support for our loved ones during this painful time.

Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle.

The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. When a loved one dies, he isn't coming back. There is no hope that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life.

The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. (Ohhhh yes.. month after month, you tell yourself "this could be THE month" but then when your period comes, your world comes crashing down over and over again.) Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal (with a healthy dose of salt sprinkled over the wound, no less).

As the couple moves into infertility treatments, the pain increases while the bank account depletes (correction... not 'depletes' but 'empties'). The tests are invasive and embarrassing to both parties, and you feel like the doctor has taken over your bedroom. And for all of this discomfort, you pay a lot of money.

A couple will eventually resolve the infertility problem in one of three ways:
•They will eventually conceive a baby.
•They will stop the infertility treatments and choose to live without children.
•They will find an alternative way to parent, such as by adopting a child or becoming a foster parent.

Reaching a resolution can take years, so your infertile loved ones need your emotional support during this journey. Most people don't know what to say, so they wind up saying the wrong thing, which only makes the journey so much harder for their loved ones. Knowing what not to say is half of the battle to providing support.

• Don't Tell Them to Relax
  
  Everyone knows someone who had trouble conceiving but then finally became pregnant once she "relaxed." Couples who are able to conceive after a few months of "relaxing" are not infertile. By definition, a couple is not diagnosed as "infertile" until they have tried unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year. In fact, most infertility specialists will not treat a couple for infertility until they have tried to become pregnant for a year. This year weeds out the people who aren't infertile but just need to "relax." Those that remain are truly infertile.
  
  Comments such as "just relax" or "try going on a cruise" create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant.
  
  These comments can also reach the point of absurdity. As a couple, my husband and I underwent two surgeries, numerous inseminations, hormone treatments, and four years of poking and prodding by doctors. Yet, people still continued to say things like, "If you just relaxed on a cruise . . ." Infertility is a diagnosable medical problem that must be treated by a doctor, and even with treatment, many couples will NEVER successfully conceive a child. Relaxation itself does not cure medical infertility. (I lost count of the number of people who told me to 'relax' too. I'd merely smile and nod, although deep inside I feel like yelling at them to shut the f*ck up cos I know very well that my problem is a medical condition, and not because I am not 'relaxing'.)
  
  
• Don't Minimize the Problem
  
  Failure to conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Infertile couples are surrounded by families with children. These couples watch their friends give birth to two or three children, and they watch those children grow while the couple goes home to the silence of an empty house. These couples see all of the joy that a child brings into someone's life, and they feel the emptiness of not being able to experience the same joy. (Mark and I have many friends who got married later than us but already have a kid/s. When I see them with their kid/s, do you know how it makes me feel?? It makes me feel like a failure of a woman/wife. It makes me feel like a complete failure in life. I feel utter disappointment in myself.) Comments like, "Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.," do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain. You wouldn't tell somebody whose parent just died to be thankful that he no longer has to buy Father's Day or Mother's Day cards. Losing that one obligation doesn't even begin to compensate for the incredible loss of losing a parent. In the same vein, being able to sleep late or travel does not provide comfort to somebody who desperately wants a child.
  
  

• Don't Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen
  
  Along the same lines, don't tell your friend that there are worse things that she could be going through. Who is the final authority on what is the "worst" thing that could happen to someone? Is it going through a divorce? Watching a loved one die? Getting raped? Losing a job?
  
  Different people react to different life experiences in different ways. To someone who has trained his whole life for the Olympics, the "worst" thing might be experiencing an injury the week before the event. To someone who has walked away from her career to become a stay-at-home wife for 40 years, watching her husband leave her for a younger woman might be the "worst" thing. And, to a woman whose sole goal in life has been to love and nurture a child, infertility may indeed be the "worst" thing that could happen.
  
  People wouldn't dream of telling someone whose parent just died, "It could be worse: both of your parents could be dead." Such a comment would be considered cruel rather than comforting. In the same vein, don't tell your friend that she could be going through worse things than infertility.
  
  
• Don't Say They Aren't Meant to Be Parents
  
  One of the cruelest things anyone ever said to me is, "Maybe God doesn't intend for you to be a mother." How incredibly insensitive to imply that I would be such a bad mother that God felt the need to divinely sterilize me. If God were in the business of divinely sterilizing women, don't you think he would prevent the pregnancies that end in abortions? Or wouldn't he sterilize the women who wind up neglecting and abusing their children? Even if you aren't religious, the "maybe it's not meant to be" comments are not comforting. Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God or Mother Nature.
  
  
• Don't Complain About Your Pregnancy
  
  This message is for pregnant women-Just being around you is painful for your infertile friends. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your infertile friend cannot have. Unless an infertile women plans to spend her life in a cave, she has to find a way to interact with pregnant women. However, there are things you can do as her friend to make it easier.
  
  The number one rule is DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY. I understand from my friends that, when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort, such as queasiness, stretch marks, and fatigue. You have every right to vent about the discomforts to any one else in your life, but don't put your infertile friend in the position of comforting you.
  
  Your infertile friend would give anything to experience the discomforts you are enduring because those discomforts come from a baby growing inside of you. When I heard a pregnant woman complain about morning sickness, I would think, "I'd gladly throw up for nine straight months if it meant I could have a baby." When a pregnant woman would complain about her weight gain, I would think, "I would cut off my arm if I could be in your shoes."
  
  I managed to go to baby showers and hospitals to welcome my friends' new babies, but it was hard. (That's the reason why I spared myself the agony by avoiding all baby showers for the past 3 years.) Without exception, it was hard. Stay sensitive to your infertile friend's emotions, and give her the leeway that she needs to be happy for you while she cries for herself. If she can't bring herself to hold your new baby, give her time. She isn't rejecting you or your new baby; she is just trying to work her way through her pain to show sincere joy for you. The fact that she is willing to endure such pain in order to celebrate your new baby with you speaks volumes about how much your friendship means to her.

• Don't Treat Them Like They Are Ignorant
  
  For some reason, some people seem to think that infertility causes a person to become unrealistic about the responsibilities of parenthood. I don't follow the logic, but several people told me that I wouldn't ache for a baby so much if I appreciated how much responsibility was involved in parenting.
  
  Let's face it-no one can fully appreciate the responsibilities involved in parenting until they are, themselves, parents. That is true whether you successfully conceived after one month or after 10 years. The length of time you spend waiting for that baby does not factor in to your appreciation of responsibility. If anything, people who have been trying to become pregnant longer have had more time to think about those responsibilities. They have also probably been around lots of babies as their friends started their families.
  
  Perhaps part of what fuels this perception is that infertile couples have a longer time to "dream" about what being a parent will be like. Like every other couple, we have our fantasies-my child will sleep through the night, would never have a tantrum in public, and will always eat his vegetables. Let us have our fantasies. Those fantasies are some of the few parent-to-be perks that we have-let us have them. You can give us your knowing looks when we discover the truth later.
  
  
• Don't Push Adoption (Yet)
  
  Adoption is a wonderful way for infertile people to become parents. However, the couple needs to work through many issues before they will be ready to make an adoption decision. Before they can make the decision to love a "stranger's baby," they must first grieve the loss of that baby with Daddy's eyes and Mommy's nose. Adoption social workers recognize the importance of the grieving process. When my husband and I went for our initial adoption interview, we expected the first question to be, "Why do you want to adopt a baby?" Instead, the question was, "Have you grieved the loss of your biological child yet?" Our social worker emphasized how important it is to shut one door before you open another.
  
  You do, indeed, need to grieve this loss before you are ready to start the adoption process. The adoption process is very long and expensive, and it is not an easy road. So, the couple needs to be very sure that they can let go of the hope of a biological child and that they can love an adopted baby. This takes time, and some couples are never able to reach this point. If your friend cannot love a baby that isn't her "own," then adoption isn't the right decision for her, and it is certainly not what is best for the baby.
  
  Mentioning adoption in passing can be a comfort to some couples. (The only words that ever offered me comfort were from my sister, who said, "Whether through pregnancy or adoption, you will be a mother one day.") (Adoption is certainly something that Mark and I have discussed more than once, but is something that we both agreed that we'd revisit only if we have totally run out of options. Kinda like a last resort. I have nothing against adoption, other than the cost, and I know I will be able to love the child as if it was my own. However, I really want to be able to say that I have exhausted all means in trying to have a baby with mommy's nose and daddy's eyes before we go down the path of adoption.)

• Let Them Know That You Care
  
  The best thing you can do is let your infertile friends know that you care. Send them cards. Let them cry on your shoulder. If they are religious, let them know you are praying for them. Offer the same support you would offer a friend who has lost a loved one. Just knowing they can count on you to be there for them lightens the load and lets them know that they aren't going through this alone.
  
  

Braxton Hicks who??!

Finally that weird tightening of my belly has a name and reason... I was begining to get worried because I notice that this 'tightening' is becoming more noticeable and frequent. Just last night itself, it happened more than a dozen times over a period of 3 hours, though the duration of each 'tightening' lasted less than a minute. There's no pain involved, just a strange feeling that your belly has turned into stone.

I verified with the doctor this morning and was advised that this is the famed Braxton Hicks contractions (also known as 'practice contractions) that I have read about. Braxton Hicks are:

• Irregular in intensity
• Infrequent
• Unpredictable
• Non-rhythmic
• More uncomfortable than painful
• They do not increase in intensity, or frequency
• They taper off and then disappear altogether

I think I can put a 'check' in all the above points, so it puts me at ease that what I have experienced is normal. So far, I only experienced it a handful of times today.

A long-time friend contacted me last week with a job recommendation for the position that he is currently holding as he will be leaving to join another company. It is a v.e.r.y attractive opportunity for the kind of job that I have always wanted. The position is 'Regional Travel Manager' at an MNC and from what he shared with me, the pay package, perks and career prospects are good. Moreover, it'd be a good stepping stone for me in the industry. Most importantly, it is where my forte and interest lies.. the other 'perk' is that I'd be a 'client' instead of a 'supplier', which is what I have been for the past 10 years in the corporate travel industry.

I am flattered that my friend thought of me and that he felt I am competent enough to take over his portfolio from him. They needed someone to start soon as the handover process requires time. Unfortunately, I had no choice but to turn him down citing that the timing was off. He responded by saying that he respects my decision, but thought that it is a huge pity for me to turn it down as he felt that it'd be something that I'd really enjoy and excel.

Obviously I did feel that it was a huge pity that I had to turn such an attractive offer down, especially since it is something that I have always aimed for. But then without having to delve any deeper, I know for certain that I want little bun more than I've ever wanted anything else in the world. Little bun is currently the only 'project' in my life and he/she is the reason why I wake up every morning.

Growth Scan

So happy and relieved that the results of little bun's growth scan are good i.e. all within the normal range. It's good to know that despite my lack of weight gain, little bun is growing normally. Dr Anu did tell me that little bun certainly will not be a big, chubby baby, but his/her size is definitely on target and she is happy with what the results. The level of my amniotic fluid is also in the 'average' range, and this really puts my mind at ease. I couldn't ask for anything better.

For the first time, we also discussed something that was somewhat of a taboo subject previously as we were both afraid of jinxing things, i.e. little bun's due date. Realistically, I have always known deep in my heart that I will never be able to make it to full term at 40 weeks due to my complicated medical history. Dr Anu also shared with me that for women with gestational diabetes, she recommends to have the baby delievered at 38 weeks at the very latest (assuming if I can even make it that far). Ok.. 38 weeks or 40 weeks make no difference to me at all as long as little bun is fine (frankly, I'd be soooo thankful if little bun and I can even make it safely to 36 weeks).

There's still a pretty long way to go till I reach 38 weeks. The longer I can keep little bun in me, the shorter the time little bun will have to spend in NICU and there'd be a very good chance that he/she will have lesser/no health complications.

Today is my mom's birthday and yet I wasn't able to take her out for a nice dinner or even able to give her a card like how I have always done in previous years. I cannot remember not giving my mom a birthday card in my entire life, so this year is certainly a first. I didn't expect that I'd be restricted to bed rest so suddenly, hence didn't have a chance to go out and get a card beforehand. Oh well, I hope that I'd be able to give her a healthy grandchild as a 'belated' birthday present and that this 'gift' will be enough to make up for things.

Mark had been nursing a cold for the past 5 days, but because of a hectic work schedule, he hasn't been able to go to a doctor. Finally this morning, he couldn't take the sniffling and coughing any longer and went to the clinic. Rather glad that I have him home with me today :)

For the past 3 weeks, my mom and an aunt have been coming over daily to take care of me, bring me food and ensure that I don't do anything 'funny' (i.e. walk around or do housework) while Mark is at work. While I feel bad troubling them, at the same time I am so glad to have them come by tirelessly everyday because not only do they take care of my meals, but they also help out with some of the housework. I think Hershey is happy for the additional company too!!

My mom will accompany me for my check-up tomorrow since Mark will be at work. I am usually nervous before my weekly check-ups, but this time, I am even more nervy than usual. Really hope the results of little bun's growth scan will turn out fine. Despite Dr Anu's reassurances, I am still rather bothered by my lack of weight gain. For at least 6 weeks now, my weight has remained the same at 61kg, meaning I have only gained no more than 5kg throughout the pregnancy so far. While my belly is visible, it is still very compact. The average pregnancy weight gain should range between 10kg to 16kg, and I am not even at the halfway point!!

Hmmm... I hope it's just me being the worry wart that I am and worrying unnecessarily. Please let little bun be thriving well inside my tummy.

Wish I have better news to share, but sadly not. I am fast becoming a pin cushion... this morning's appointment with the doctor at the Diabetic Clinic didn't go too well. Not that I am surprised cos since I have been monitoring my blood glucose level (BGL) at home, I can see a certain trending that's taking place. I notice that my BGL readings in the mornings have been slowly increasing... Initially it started off with a decent 4.8 to 5.1 kind of reading, which is well below the acceptable level of 5.5 (before meals), but in recent weeks, it's gone up to between 5.4 to 5.9 even though I haven't drank/eaten anything throughout the night. The doctor says that it could be a sign that my body is not breaking down glucose properly without the help of medication, hence the decision was made for me to start insulin injections every morning.

As the readings at the other times of the day are still within the acceptable threshold, I just have to continue with the oral medication. However, if they too show signs of increasing, then insulin would be necessary 3 times daily instead of just once. I am determined to keep it down as much as I possibly can because I am appalled/terrified at the thought of having to self-administer the injections! At least for now, I can get Mark to give me the injection before he leaves for work in the morning. I really don't see how he can come home everyday during lunch hour to help me with the injections should the need arise **knock on wood**.

Despite this little setback, I am still keeping my chin up. I will do anything for little bun's well-being, so as long as he/she is fine, I will grit my teeth and bear with it. All little bun and I need are a few more precious weeks before we reach the home run stretch where little bun will be 'safe'. I am keeping the faith...

~There is no telling how many miles you will have to run while chasing a dream~ Author Unknown

Saw an advertisement on the television last night that the hospital that I go to is conducting a seminar - 'Happy Mommy Healthy Baby' on 03rd Sep. Dr Anu will be hosting a segment - Hope for a New Life: Understanding Fertility, High Risk Pregnancies and Miscarriages. Little wonder I fall into her care since I (unfortunately) fit nicely into all 3 categories...

Even my heartthrob (aka Dr T) is hosting a segment!!! Since the seminar isn't expensive at all, I asked Mark if he is keen on attending (ok, admittedly, I conveniently ignored the fact that I am not supposed to be going out of my house and am supposed to be on bedrest). I guess Mark saw through my hidden intention from the start and turned me down upfront. I wasn't even given a chance to try and convince him.. **sigh**.

Little bun and I had our little 'date' yesterday! So happy to be able to see him/her again on the ultrasound monitor. It's been a long 2 weeks since I last saw little bun cos during the period when I was hospitalised, all I got was to listen to little bun's heartbeat. I was actually strapped on to this heart monitor which monitors little bun's heartbeat for the entire time after my surgery, and I was very comforted in knowing that my baby's heart is thumping away strongly. Mark didn't stay over with me on that first night, so that night was the special time for little bun and I!!

They measured my cervix (again) yesterday and it was at a decent 3.3cm. The last time they measured it was right before they put in the stitch for me on 02 Aug. According to Dr Anu, it had by then gone down to a dangerous 1.5cm! Therefore it's a good thing Dr Anu made the timely decision for the cervical cerclage because if we had waited any longer, it'd have shortened further and putting in a stitch would have been impossible.

Next week Dr Anu booked me in for a 'growth scan' for little bun. Not quite sure what it entails, but can only pray again for the best that little bun's growth and development remains on track despite my lack of weight gain (yup.. still not gaining weight!!!).

I am turning into a 'drug addict'... It's getting rather hard to keep track of the amount of medicine I have to take daily. Previously I always make sure I find out the purpose of each kind of medicine I pop into my mouth, but with the recent surgery and hospital stay, the amount of medicine have increased twofold and I have since given up trying to find out the purpose of each one.

My daily 'breakfast'...

This is (sorta) my birthday gift this year --- Anti Embolism Stockings (also called Compression Stockings). Since I am told that I have to be on complete bed rest and plus the fact that I have Thrombophilia, the stockings will help to prevent Deep Vein Thrombosis (DVT). Moreover, the risk of DVT is further increased during pregnancy, so I guess in my case, the risk is even higher.

Although I was told to wear the stockings at all times, it is really tough in this 35 degree celsius weather. The heat... the humidity... ohhh and the itch!! I am only wearing them at night when I have the air-conditioner on cos at least the coolness makes it more bearable. The stockings are really tight and someone (who else but Mark) has to wear and remove them for me. Usually he ends up in a sweat after helping me put them on.

I was 'admiring' my legs in this photo cos I thought they look quite slender... yup, I am really THAT bored. It reminded me of Dr Anu's comment about my legs while I was still lying on the hospital bed. She commented that my arms and legs are really slim, and before I could even begin to feel flattered, she added 'this is a classic PCOS symptom'. Sigh...

Cervical Cerclage

It's finally home sweet home on Friday... instead of the inital 2 night stay, Dr Anu decided to keep me in hospital for an extra night so that they can observe me. Hence, I spent a total of 3 nights in hospital. Thankfully I had a private room so Mark was able to stay overnight with me. Getting a proper night of sleep is rather impossible during those 3 nights in hospital because throughout the night, the nurses would be coming to check on my temperature, blood pressure, little bun's heart rate and/or give me my medication.

According to Dr Anu, the surgery went smoothly. The after effects that I suffered from post surgery was a bad case of sore throat (from the insertion of the breathing tube down my throat while I was under GA for the duration of the surgery), uterine cramping (which is to be expected after such a procedure), horrid headache (side effect of the medication that was given to me to control the uterine cramps), nausea... Ummm, yup, I think that's about all.

I was most nervous about the cramps because it could've triggered premature labour, and it also reminded me so much of the labour pains I went through when I delivered Chloe. I tried to downplay the magnitude of the pain so that I wouldn't worry Mark too much (according to Dr Anu, she whispered to me that 'Mark looks rather shaken'), so I didn't want to add on to his stress. Thankfully with the help of the constant dose of drugs for the inital 36 hour period, the cramps eventually subsided (though I am still continuing to take them as a preventive measure).

There was an incident that really touched me a whole lot. It reaffirmed once again how blessed I am to have a partner like Mark by my side. The drugs that I took gave me a massive headache and terrible nausea.. I was trying to hold my dinner down when they decided to defy gravity and all of it came back up. There was no way I could get out of bed to go to the bathroom since it was only hours after the surgery, so Mark grabbed a dish that was provided (for this purpose I reckon??) and held it for me while I regurgitated my dinner. Unfortunately, the dish was ummm... too small (or my dinner was too big?) and some of it spilled over. I created a gross, revolting mess and some of it even landed on Mark. He just held onto the dish stoically without fliching and comforted me while I continued to contribute to the mess. Even after the nurse and cleaner came in to help out, Mark was the one cleaning me up. Frankly I don't know what I'd have done if I were in Mark's shoes cos vomit (whether it belongs to me or another person) and me don't go very well together (the same goes with blood). I'd have expected Mark to 'flee the scene' and call for the nurses.

I think I can safely say that by now, Mark has seen the most beautiful as well as the ugliest side of me.. I am sure a woman who is vomiting and writhing in pain at the same time with a red face and tears rolling down her cheeks is not a glorious sight to behold.

So glad to be home, and even more glad that the surgery went smoothly. Every extra day that little bun stays inside me is so crucial... as Dr Anu puts it, every extra day that little bun remains in my womb is one day less in the Neonatal ICU. I have been spending 95% of my time lying in bed and only getting up for meals, toilet breaks and shower. Mark has been extremely strict in ensuring that I behave and follow the rules. This is how I will be spending the next few weeks... the television and internet will be my constant companion.

As little bun continues to grow inside of me, his/her movements are getting increasingly noticeable and frequent. A lot of times when I am lying in bed, I will nudge my tummy a little and there'd be a 'reaction' from little bun in the form of a gentle tap back or even a major movement. Sometimes I'd even get to see the movements/twitching on my tummy! These are moments that are so extra special. I guess one could call it one of the earliest forms of bonding happening between mother and baby, even before the baby is born. It is truly a wonderous feeling and I can't even put into words how it makes me feel.. kind of like amazement, wonder, happiness, etc all rolled into one. Well, maybe there's just one word to describe this feeling --- Mom.

I want to continue enjoying this feeling for as long as I possibly can... I want to continue to feel my little bun growing and moving inside me for as long as possible... Mark and I will do all it takes to keep this baby.

The nurse just called and I will have to be at the hospital at 7am tomorrow. As I'd have to go under general anesthesia for the surgery, I'd have to start fasting from 12 midnight. No food is fine, but no water is going to be rather challenging considering how much I drink. Oh well...

I haven't used this idiom in a very long time cos I think it sounds very vulgar and uncouth, but I can't think of anything else that is more appropriate at this time - I think I am going to shit bricks!!!!

I told Mark that my very first birthday was spent in a hospital 34 years ago... 34 years later, I will again be spending my birthday in the hospital (albeit a different one)!! Should I laugh or cry about it? Anyway, I think I find it more 'amusing' than anything cos my birthdays don't mean very much to me anymore ever since the year I lost Lucas. I have learnt that there's a lot more to life and that the other 364 days are just as worth treasuring as the one day which is my birthday.

For my birthday this year, Mark's 'present' to me will be a 2 night stay at a private ward in the hospital. I was actually contemplating a 4-bedded ward in order to cut expenses, but frankly, I am not looking forward to reliving the memory of sharing a room with other women who are due to give birth or recently given birth... above all, listening to the cries of newborn babies. It is just a bit too much to deal with on top of all my anxieties and emotional baggage. Also, if I had opted for a shared ward, Mark won't be allowed to stay with me overnight.

I am still worried silly by what will potentially happen tomorrow during the surgery and more importantly, thereafter. With my luck, anything can happen.. Geez, just why can't I be a 'normal' person for once? Just once??!!!! In recent weeks, many of Mark's friends have been popping babies. They make things seem sooooo incredibly easy... perhaps it IS indeed very easy, just that the problem lies with ME!

Nervously counting down the hours... the next few days will be a trial and I need all the good wishes and prayers I can get. Praying hard that there won't be any adverse effects from the surgery and that little bun and I will come out of it triumphant at the end of it all. 4 more weeks is all I am asking for... please just let me remain pregnant for at least another 4 precious weeks!!!!! Yes, this is the voice of acute desperation and a healthy dose of pleading.