I am sure some people think that I am losing my mind, and maybe they are right. I am losing most of what is left of my sanity over these last couple of days. Everywhere I go, I seem to see babies; Every baby I see reminds me of my losses; Every time I am reminded of my losses, I feel like I am dying inside, again and again and again...
Mark was playing some violent game on his PSP and as he was seating next to me, I overhead this instruction given in the tutorial: "In this part of the game, you just have to die over and over again until you succeed." Couldn't help but notice the sliver of truth in it... of how it applies to me. In this 'game' that is my life, my heart had to die over and over again until I succeed in getting my happy, healthy baby.
Moreover, Einstein also once said '"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Isn't this exactly what I am doing? This will be my third attempt at conception, and I am obviously expecting a vastly different outcome from the previous two attempts. Hmmm... am I insane?? Should I give up in case I kill more babies??
The life coach whom I met with once a number of weeks back had been sending me emails periodically just to check on how I am and how I was feeling. I am quite touched actually cos he is doing all these for free. I received an email from him last week, asking for my permission for him to 'connect' with the souls of Lucas and Chloe.
I didn't see any harm in it, and in fact, I was quite intrigued and interested on what he'd uncover, so I agreed. It is not religious, more spiritual than anything else. It is a concept that is totally new to me... all about Higher Self, Souls, Soul-searching... Here's what he came back to me with:
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Connected on: 5th Oct 2009.
Time: 11.28 p.m. to 12.08 a.m.
What transpired: They are still earth bound - meaning they are still with you due to your missing them. They are ok and that you need not worry about them.They love you as much as you and your husband love them. They ask you to be patient and to take care of yourself.Both are there with you but Chloe's presence is much more prominent and consistant. Perhaps because she is more recent than Lucas. Nevertheless they are there.
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In the past, I have tried to connect/ feel their presence myself, but somehow I have never succeeded. Honestly, I don't even dream of them. Was it because I was trying too hard? I think the only time I feel 'close' to them is when I am swimming. When I am underwater, where it is all still and quiet, I quite often catch shadows/ movements on both my sides and feel a presence, especially at times when I have the entire pool to myself. It is not the spooky kind of presence, but something that is calm and soothing. Of course everytime when I turn to get a good look, there's nothing there beside me... only a vast nothingness.
Most likely, it is only a figment of my overactive imagination, but I'd like to imagine that it is really Lucas and Chloe joining their mummy for a swim. If only I were given the chance, I'd have loved to buy them cute floaties, teach them how to swim and to play with them on the water slides. Perhaps that's the underlying reason why I am so keen to go swimming these days... It's my personal time with my babies.
From the results of the 'connection', I am thrilled that my babies are here with me, only that I can't see/ hear/ feel/ sense them. It also feels comforting to know that they both know how much they are being loved. But on the other hand, I can't help but wonder if I am holding them back and delaying them from going onto their next 'destination'.
Can I just be selfish for this once? Can I just be with them for a wee bit longer?
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