The Lessons of 2009

Today is the last day of another eventful year, and I will see 2009 off with mixed emotions. This is the year where I went through one of the happiest periods of my life, as well as the saddest. For 6 whole months, I basked in the joy and contentment of 'motherhood' when I was expecting Chloe. For every single minute of those 6 months, I savoured in secret delight that I'd have a little baby girl in my arms by October 2009.

Everything became topsy-turvey the moment my waterbag broke prematurely and we were told that we were to lose her. In the blink of the eye, the happiest year of my life became the saddest. In that cruel twist of fate, I have once again been denied of the baby that Mark and I so badly yearned for and love. On 26 June 2009, my precious princess joined her big brother, Lucas, in heaven.

This year, I have learnt several invaluable lessons...

• I have learnt how fragile and unpredictable life can be. How you can be at the top of the world this moment, and find yourself in the dungeons of hell the next.
• I have learnt to love unconditioinally and treasure the people around me, especially family.
• I have learnt to be grateful, I am grateful that I got to spend 14 precious weeks with Lucas, and grateful to him for making me a 'mom' for the first time. I am grateful for the 6 months I had with Chloe. I am grateful that I got to feel Chloe move inside me and I am grateful that I got to kiss her and hold her in my arms for those 15 minutes. I am grateful for a loving and suppportive husband. I am grateful for having a supportive boss and colleagues. I am grateful for the 'angels' who appeared from out of nowhere and supported me in their own unique ways through my darkest hour.
• I have learnt to accept whatever that is thrown at me and that I don't have control over everything.
• I have learnt that life is not fair and I just have to live with it whether I like it or not. C'est la vie...
• I am learning how not to sweat the small stuff.
• I am learning how to appreciate what I had/ have.
• I am learning to find whatever strength and courage there is left within me to 'try again'.

I can probably go on with the list forever cos 2009 is a huge year in my life. Indeed, it was filled with a lot of tears and pain, but I wouldn't change it for anything because 6 out of those 12 months have been filled with a lot happiness. This is also the year where I got to 'meet' my daughter.

************************************************

Happy New Year to my two Angels, Lucas and Chloe . Mummy's love and thoughts are right there with you, today and always.

I met with the friend who recently miscarried yesterday arvo... While she was sharing with me her ordeal, I felt as though I was going through the miscarriage all over again, all the pain, the heartache, the tears, the anger, the fear... She is going through all the rollercoaster ride of emotions that I went through and I am glad I can be there to share my experience with her and let her know that how she is feeling is completely normal.

When I miscarried Lucas, there was simply no one I could talk to who understood and I felt so alone and helpless. The (very expensive) hospital that I went to also did not offer any support or counselling after my miscarriage, and I honestly didn't know that such help was available. All my friends were able to conceive without too much fuss and have normal pregnancies, so I felt like I was a 'freak of nature' (actually I still feel this way now ).

Well, I hope to be able to do all I possibly can for this friend to tide her over this difficult period. I can't say that I know how she feels 100% because everyone goes through and manages grief differently, but I hope I can at least offer her a listening ear.

Before we parted ways, she told me she'll also pray for me and for my dream to come true (she is a staunch Christian). I thought was really sweet.

Looking Back...

3 months ago, I'd not have imagined myself to still be here today (and in one piece). That was at the begining of my depression and I guess I was the lowest point of my life. As I did not intend to be here by Christmas 09, I actually bought and wrapped up most of the Christmas presents really early (begining of Nov). This is the first and only year that I have been so 'efficient'. The reason for this is because in case I am not here by Christmas, at least I have most of the presents sorted out and all Mark needs to do is just to give them out according to the labels. On the other hand, there were some that I bought really last minute because I didn't expect that I'd still be around for so long, so there was a last minute dash to the shops as well.

Me still being here today is somewhat of a incredulity... I have to pinch myself to make sure I am real. I somehow 'survived' Christmas... one down, one more to go... Hopefully New Year will be 'manageable' too...

Disappointment before Christmas

On Christmas Eve, I followed the fertility doctor's order and did a home pregnancy test in case I still have not gotten my period by then. It'd have been one week 'overdue' at that time and I have to take this test before I start on the fertility medication that she prescribed me. Disappointingly, only one line showed up, i.e. 'Not Pregnant'. Not that the result was a surprise, but I was still disappointed nevertheless.

And that afternoon, my stupid period came... I wouldn't have wasted the pregnancy test kit if I had waited another day!! But on a brighter note, it is my first natural cycle since the miscarriage and I guess it came close enough to the previous cycle with only a one week delay. All my previous cycles after miscarrying Chloe were 'stimulated' with the aid of medication, and with my history of irregular menses (hence the need to have assisted fertility), this is pretty good news.

Hopefully the TCM doctor that I have just started seeing will be able to sort me out since the Western doctors cannot find anything wrong with me. Friends have been egging me to check out TCM for the longest time, so I decided that it is worth a shot. This particular doc that I am seeing specialises in fertility issues and the best thing is that he can speak a smattering of English (woohooo!!). Anyway, the doc said that my kidneys are a bit weak... how he can deduce this merely by checking my pulse is beyond me, and how he can tell that I haven't been sleeping well by simply looking at my tongue is bewildering too. Oh and he was also spot-on when also asked if my headaches are usually on the left temple... He might have been a part-time psychic on his off-days.

Anyway, I have been given some really funky tasting Chinese medicine to drink (supposedly to build my body up). So far, I have been gulping it down without whining too much because I am keeping my fingers crossed that it'd make me and my womb strong enough to house a baby for 40 weeks.

Mummy's Christmas Pressie

Mark gave me a pair of 3 inch high silver heels for Christmas... I had tried them on previously and casually commented that they made me feel like I am Cinderella. I balked when I saw the price (S$880!!!) cos it was astronomical for something you wear on your feet and step on. I never expected him to buy it for me because I didn't think he'd been paying attention when I tried it on last time.

Anyway, he tricked me into the shop and once I stepped in, a the sales assistant looked as though he recognised me and brought out this pair of shoes and offered them to me to try on. I was surprised, puzzled and all confused when it dawned on me that Mark had gone in there earlier on and roped the sales assistant into his crazy plan. They needed to get me to try on the shoes for the correct size!! I would have stopped this crazy purchase but it was too late as it'd already been paid for.

Nosey parker Hershey checking out the shoes...

This is just how sweet Mark can be... he'll buy me anything that I like. He could've spent the money on himself and bought me something less expensive, but he didn't (though I'd much rather we saved up the money instead). This has always been the way since we first started dating... he'd spend most of his allowance buying me stuff.

And what did I get for him? I got him one Calvin Klein business shirt and 2 Nike Manchester United T-shirts (it's kinda obvious who is the spendthrift and who the stingy one is in our marriage!!!). Hopefully for next year's Christmas, I can present him with our own bundle of joy... That will be a priceless gift; the ONLY gift that I would really like to give to him and the ONLY one that he rightfully deserves.

Merry Christmas to My Angels... --- Part III

This is the Christmas card that Mark and I got for Lucas and Chloe... Mark chose the card because he liked the boy and girl cartoon characters on the card. It's not something that I'd have chosen, but I really like it when Mark gets involved in picking out something for them...

We got this figurine for Chloe to commemorate her first Christmas... Lucas has his own teddy for his first Christmas last year. I hope for the next Christmas, the figurine that I'd be getting will be for a live, healthy baby.

Merry Christmas to My Angels... --- Part II

These are Lucas and Chloe's Christmas stockings from the Tatty Teddy range. I love them and hope they like them too...

It is Christmas Day and also a really pathetic day for us. Mark and I had nothing much planned for today and we ended up skulking around the malls. Not that we minded anyway cos neither of us is in the socializing mood. The malls are still very packed due to all the sales going on and people are still in the hyper buying mood. As we sat down for coffee (for Mark) and dessert (mud pie for ME!!), a song from eons ago popped into my mind... Surprisingly, I could remember most of the lyrics but not title or the singer (sorry, Jason Donovan). Thank goodness for Google!! Geez... that song was released in 1989!! I was only 12 years old... haahaa...

*** When You Come Back To Me ***

So many people

Smile on their faces

Armful of presents

Going to places
There’s a chill in the air

as I walk through the night

How I wish I could walk

through the windows of time

Would I see happiness there

see your face everywhere

But the lights all go down

over London town

There’s a glow in my heart

even though we’re apart

‘cause I know, yes, I know

it’s just a matter of time

I’m missing your love

until you come back to me

I’m counting the hours

until you return

There’s a flame in my heart

and when you come back to me

oh, how the fire will burn

Sit by the fire

and try to remember

It won’t be long ‘til

we’re back together

But we’re oceans apart

and nothing that I can do

will speed the passing of time

or bring me closer to you

And I keep thinking of you

and it keeps pulling me through

like the songs that you sing

when you’re lonely

but there’s a glow in my heart

even though we’re apart

‘cause I know,

yes, I know

it’s just a matter of time

I’m missing your love

until you come back to me

I’m counting the hoursuntil you return

There’s a flame in my heart

and when you come back to me

oh, how the fire will burn

When I am back together with my babies, oh how the fire in my heart will burn...

Merry Christmas to My Angels... --- Part I

What is Christmas?

It is tenderness for the past, courage for the present, hope for the future.

It is a fervent wish that every cup may overflow with blessings rich and eternal, and that every path may lead to peace.


******************************

To Mummy's 2 Angels in Heaven,

MERRY CHRISTMAS to you, my darling sweethearts.

* Lucas, this would have been your 2nd Christmas if we hadn't lost you. It'd have been a real joy watching you tear into your presents this morning and looking at you play with them gleefully.

** Chloe, this would have been your very 1st Christmas... I'd have loved to dress you up in a cute outfit with the words 'Baby's First Christmas' and looking at you sleeping soundly in my arms.

My heart had been aching last Christmas, it is aching this Christmas and possibly for all the other ones that follow because you are not here with me. Can't even put into words how deeply I love you and how much I am missing you, but I hope deep in your little hearts, you know that you are being loved deeply by your Mummy and Daddy.

With all my love,

Mummy

All Babies Go To Heaven When They Pass Over...

I have been exchanging emails with the friend whom I mentioned in my previous post, i.e. the one who recently miscarried. She is a staunch Christian and out of the blue, she told me in her email that 'All babies go to Heaven when they pass over'. Don't know why, but I cried after reading this... I have always been wondering about this, i.e. What happens to babies when they die? Do they simply vanish without a trace? Somehow I think God sent me the message through this friend that my babies are safe in Heaven. I feel a that a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

My friend also told me that she thinks I am an 'angel' sent by God to comfort her in her time of need, instead, I feel that she is the angel sent by God to pass me this message, especially at a time when I am feeling very really low and moody.

** Dear Lucas and Chloe, Please take care of this new angel in Heaven until he/she is reunited with his/her mommy... Today is Christmas Eve, and how I wish you are here with me. **

W.H.Y

Last evening, I received an email from a friend whom I got to know through work. We met sometime last month to discuss work and also catch up for a drink, and while chatting, we started talking about our personal lives. I told her about my miscarriages because I 'disappeared' from work for a good 3 months after I lost Chloe, and I felt that I had nothing to be ashamed about or to hide. She then shared with me that she'd been trying to conceive for a while and would be seeing a TCM doc the following day. She kindly shared with me the TCM contact cos it is very near to where I live.

In the email she sent me last evening, she told me she found out she was pregnant a day after her wedding anniversary, but she miscarried last Friday... just 8 days after finding out the good news. The poor girl is still trying to come to terms with the loss and I felt truly sorry for her that I had to stop myself from crying (I was visiting uncle in the hospital).

Then while I was waiting for Mark to pick me up from the hospital, I was browsing through the Chinese newspapers and came across this article where this 19 year old girl gave birth to a baby boy last year with her 24 year old boyfriend, and she gave the baby up for adoption because the boyfriend didn't want to marry her or take responsibility of the baby. This year, she got back with that same man and he got her pregnant yet again (geez, she must be really fertile... and may I say, stupid). She delivered the 2nd baby boy last month and is contemplating whether she'd be keeping him.

WHY is life so unfair?? WHY is it that people who do not want their babies get them so easily??? WHY is it that people who really want a baby have to go thorugh so much heartache and pain? WHY??!

Presents for Amanda

These are the presents that I got for Amanda... I will be meeting her/ her mom soon to pass her the presents, as well as visit Amanda for the very first time. I am looking forward to meet my god-daughter in person, but I am also a bit worried about how it may make me feel due to her 'special significance'. Amanda and Chloe were 'friends' while they were still in their respective mom's tummies, and that their due dates are so close... Chloe would have been a few weeks older than Amanda...

How I wish I will be taking Chloe with me to see Amanda instead of just me going alone.

How I wish I will be carrying Chloe in my arms instead of a load of presents.

The weekend was hectic... have been making trips to visit my uncle in hospital on a daily basis, hence didn't have the time to blog. Uncle is now out from ICU but would be some time before he can even think of going home. Guess someone is spending Christmas in hospital... At least he can now eat and talk and in his case, I think he is so so so lucky to still be alive. A nurse I spoke with said she got shivers down her spine when she read his case file on how he was hit and then dragged for a distance by the forklift. **shudders**.

This incident really brings to mind how fragile life is... anything can happen to anyone at anytime. It makes me love and treasure the people whom I care about even more, and makes me love myself even lesser. Can't help but think why I am still here.

More Bad News for 2009...

Today started off pretty normally enough... but little did I expect that I'd be going to the same hospital twice. The first was for my appointment with the psychiatrist, and in the early evening, mom called to tell me the bad news that my uncle (her brother) had been involved in an accident at his workplace. He was knocked down by a forklift (don't know how) and is in a critical condition now after undergoing surgery to his aorta.

Other than the aorta, he also suffered from numerous fractures and God knows what else... the doc mentioned something about bleeding in the lung vessels. Hopefully there won't be any complications from the surgery and the other problems aren't critical. They have given him heavy sedation and morphine drips, so hopefully he isn't in too much pain. Mom and Aunty Esther are spending the night there to make sure that he is doing ok and I will go there first thing tomorrow morning.

Is this year ending yet??? So far it has proven to be nothing but the pits...

**************************************************

Dearest Lucas and Chloe --- Please look after your Granduncle and see to it that he is safe & well, and will recover from this freak accident soon.

Mummy and Daddy are sending you truckloads of kisses and hugs... We are missing you like crazy.

A friend alerted me to the fact that suicide rates often go up during the year end holiday season... Good to know that I am not exactly alone in how I am feeling, even though it may be the minority group. I have asked myself what exactly is bothering me, and it took me a few days to finally find the answer/s.

• This is my 2nd Christmas without Lucas, and the 1st without Chloe. How many more sad Christmases do I have to endure?
• As the current year is drawing to an end, it makes me think of what I have lost, what I have NOT achieved and how my life had been changed (in a negative way) in the past 2 years.
• The brand new year is just a fortnight away, and I will step into 2010 with trepidition. What will the new year bring? Will it be better than 2008 and 2009? Will I finally be able to bring home a healthy, brawling baby? Will Mark and I still love and care for each other as much as we do today?

I am kind of glad that tomorrow, I have a follow-up appointment with the psychiatrist. It's been almost 6 weeks since I last saw her, and had initially planned to cancel the appointment as I thought I was improving and have somewhat regained control of my thoughts. But after how I had been feeling for the past week, I think I'd better stick to it (**sigh**)... Another trip back to the hospital.

Last night, I met Mark for dinner nearby his new workplace as I had a craving for meatballs and I also wanted to replenish the tealight candles at home. Who should we bump into as we were leaving the place? Dr T!!! Mark noticed him first and turned around to tell me. Good thing he didn't say 'Hey darling, it's your heartthrob!'. We didn't have the chance to stop for a chat with Dr T although I did wave and said 'hi'. My heart was thumping like mad and it happened too quickly so I was caught by surprise. LOL! I wish we had chatted... I would have wished him 'Merry Christmas' or something... alas...

Anyway, yours truly had a wide grin all the way home... (with Mark giving me poisonous sidelong glances). Reckon I need to speak to the psychiatrist about this too??

Incomplete Puzzle

I went to a shopping mall yesterday with the intention of having a meal and doing some window shopping, but I left right after my meal because all the festive decorations and Christmas songs were making me depressed for some strange reason. There is so much happiness and merriment all around... and it makes me feel so alone in the sea of happy faces of shoppers doing their Christmas shopping. I stand out like a sore thumb because I feel no happiness or joy inside of me... instead, what I feel is loneliness and a sense of hollowness, like a big piece is missing from the jigsaw of my life. The only problem is I do not know where I can find the missing piece to make me whole again.

While most people are joyously counting down to the Christmas and New Year celebrations, I find myself asking for the 2nd consecutive Christmas/ New Year - 'What is there for me to be happy about?'.

What a way to start the brand new week... I woke up with a headache (again). Can't understand why the headaches are becoming so frequent, and I wonder if it is due to the disrupted sleep that I am getting at night. Today is Mark's first day of work at the new place, and I had meant to wake up early to make him coffee and a light breakfast, but I was in so much pain I couldn't even drag myself out of bed. I didn't even give him a hug and good-luck kiss... so much for being a good wife!!

At least I made him a decent dinner last night --- Grilled pork loin stuffed with bacon and cheese with a serving of seafood salad. I am trying out some new dishes and my poor hubby is the guinea pig. Good thing that he is a good sport and gives me constructive feedback, e.g. the pork was a little too well done and ended up being dry.

I may go to the pool during lunchtime if the headache hasn't killed me by then...

Hysterosalpingogram (HSG) --- Part II

Mark went with me for my appointment with the fertility doctor and we got t

he results of my HSG. The results are that of a normal woman, i.e. my fallopian tubes are not blocked, there is no abnormalities and the uterus looks fine. This paves way for the fertility treatments that the doc will be starting me on in early Jan. Hopefully if I do get pregnant naturally before that time, then I won't have to rely on the Clomid pills, though the possiblilty of this is quite remote.

I have mixed feelings about starting with the fertility treatments... On one hand, I am very excited and looking forward to some good news, but on the other hand, I am feeling totally nervous and worried about what the future will bring this time.

Questions Without Answers...

Read an article in the newspaper this morning about a dialysis patient in Singapore who gave birth prematurely at 24 weeks to a pair of twin girls (read article here). The babies are obviously premmies and are in NICU... I really wonder how their conditons are and the outlook for their survivals and for going on to lead a full life.

Chloe was born at exactly 24 weeks and 2 days, and until today I am still wondering if we did the right thing by heeding the doctors' advice. She might still be with us today if we had decided to go against the advice... Should I have taken that gamble and opted to save her despite all the possible complications? Did we rob her of the chance to live? What would SHE have wanted for us to do?

Lucas's 1st Birthday (The Day After...)

This is the little bear that I got for Lucas as his 1st Birthday gift. I wanted to get a bigger one, but considering the size of his Treasure Chest, a bigger bear will take up most of the remaining space that's left. So I had to be practical and settled for this little one. I have always liked the bears from the 'Tatty Teddy' series and when Mark and I first started dating, all the cards that I gave him were from this series (I had no choice but to get other cards when they ran out of new designs that I haven't already bought!!).

At that time, the bear wasn't grey... it was brown with colorful 'patchework' and it somehow morphed into this current version through the years. Since this bear has a special significance in our relationship, and I thought it'd be nice to get something from this range for Lucas (and Chloe) since they are part of us. I saw some cute little ones wearing Santa's hat too... I may get that for my babies for Christmas. I realize that I am still pretty crazy about this bear after all these years... cannot resist that sad, forlorn look!!

I also wrote a birthday card to Lucas, and I hope he gets my message... I couldn't hold back the tears came as I was writing, and some of it accidentally dripped onto the card, resulting in the blotches...

I didn't leave Chloe out, so she's also got her own Tatty Teddy as well... Her teddy wears a pink T-shirt with the words 'Hugs and Kisses'. Thought it was quite apt because I am fond of signing off letters/emails with 'hugs and kisses' or simply 'XOXO'.

I hope my Angels like their little bears... (and I can't wait to get them their Christmas presents next).

Today --- 09 Dec 2009

Today should have been a very happy day…
Today should have been a day filled with joyous laughter…
Today we should have had a party at our house…
Today should have been a day filled with cookies, candies, party hats, colorful party banners and a birthday cake…
Today, a little boy should have been surrounded by all his loved ones and wrapped around the love of his parents (and his parents firmly wrapped around his little finger).
Today, a little boy should have been gleefully ripping apart the packages of his presents.
Today, a little boy should be hearing the ‘Happy Birthday’ song sang to him for the very first time.
Today, a little boy should be blowing out the single candle on his birthday cake.
Today, my baby boy Lucas should have turned 1 year old.

Instead of all the above, what do we have here today?

We have a dreadfully quiet house.
We have nothing to celebrate.
There is no ‘Happy Birthday’ to sing.
There is a mother typing away on her laptop with tears streaming down her face, her eyes puffy from crying and her heart hurting like crazy.

**************************************************

To my beloved little boy, Lucas -

Happy 1st Birthday to you, Sweetheart.

I can't believe how quickly time flies,

And I can't imagine how I managed to get here without you by my side.

I want you to know that you are never far from my mind,

And I think about you and Chloe all the time.

I hope you are happy in Heaven,

And I hope you are thinking of me and missing me too.

Please know that Daddy and Mummy love you so,

And please believe that we'll be reunited sometime soon.

Happy Birthday, Lucas...

With all my love,

Mummy

Back to Reality...

My vacation was over before I know it... The weekend just flew by and I enjoyed it more than I had initially expected. I guess that's partly because:

• There is no Hershey there to wind me up and I can sleep in peace and wake up anytime I want!


• We made a last minute decision to check into Hilton Kuala Lumpur for 2 nights... I called my contacts at Hilton to pull some strings and he got us upgraded to the Executive Club floor. It came with a nice room (definitely not the most luxurious room I have stayed in, but was not too bad); there was all-day light refreshments available at the Club Lounge; free flow of wine/ beer every evening from 6-8pm; complimentary laundry (4 pieces daily) which meant that I don't have to wash/ iron so much clothes when I return (this is a B.I.G plus!!)


• I got to soak in the 'plus size' bath-tub... our bath-tub at home is too small and doesn't allow me to fully stretch out.

Mark had a craving for durians, so his sis and bro-in-law took us out for a durian feast. Sadly, as it is not durian season now, the durians we had were not finger-licking good. They were kind of bland and lacked that strong, pungent taste. The last good durian I had was when I was expecting Chloe... I think I had a durian overdose, and it was so 'heaty' that I had nosebleeds on 2 occasions. LOL!! I am glad Chloe got to try out some durians though... I hope she likes them as much as I do.

Anyway, it is back to reality again... I am already looking forward to the next short break.. hopefully it'd be to Phuket!

Going Away

Can't go back to sleep after waking up from another weird dream... I can't seem to have enough of them!! It is 4.50am now and I have been awake for the last 2 hours. Strangely, I feel alert and wide awake, so much so that I had been working on my work emails and sending out emails at 4am. I wonder if subconsciously, I am too hung up over work. The past few days have been pretty wild and I am actually quite anxious about being away for the next couple of days without access to the internet!! Oh dear, I think this is not a good sign **chews on nails**.

Hopefully I'll be able to unwind a little in the next couple of days... I must remind myself NOT to be a fuss pot and make my poor husband's ears suffer. He deserves a break for putting up with me so patiently for the last few months. I guess it'd be a while before Mark and I can go on any vacation too since he'll be starting on a new job on 14 Dec, so I had better make this holiday a good, albeit short, one.

** To my 2 Angels, Mummy will be thinking of you and missing you no matter where I go. Sending you all my love and hugs... **

Amanda's Mummy...

Amanda's mummy, Ashley, had been warded in hospital since Friday and I went to visit her yesterday. She was suffering from a 'mysterious' ailment that came on rather suddenly and the doctors didn't seem to know what was the cause of it despite thorough checks. I felt so sorry for her because going through the physical pain is one thing, but the bigger worry is not knowing what triggered it. It's like me not knowing the cause of my miscarriages until today... **sigh**

Anyway, it was our first meeting and I have to admit that it's kinda weird meeting someone for the first time in a hospital!! Ashley is really nice; very chatty and sincere and we ended up talking non-stop for 2 hours about Amanda, Chloe, my fertility plans, her job, our dogs, 'higher powers', etc... I was a little worried initially that it'd be an awkward situation since we have only been exchanging smses and I haven't met or even spoken to her before, but fortunately it turned out quite well and it was a nice meeting. I do hope I'd get to meet her (and my god-daughter, Amanda!!) when she's discharged from hospital and feeling better.

While I was there, Ashley's in-laws dropped in as well and her mom-in-law asked me if I was married and whether I have kids. The first question is easy enough, but I balked briefly at the second one. Ashley then whispered to me that in such situations, I should say 'soon', rather than 'no' or 'not yet'. It is an old wives' belief that her aunt taught her and I think I like the idea of it cos it feels 'positive'. I have decided that this will be my standard answer if I ever get asked this question again.

I really hope that Ashley recovers soon cos I am sure she's missing her baby and Amanda's also missing her mummy. I think I can understand how painful the feeling of missing someone can be because on a daily basis, I am missing my Lucas and Chloe.

'Missing you could turn from pain to pleasure,

if I knew you were missing me too'...

Ahhhhh.....

Gosh, work has been so hectic since last week, especially with the de-implementation and transition of ML... So many last minute issues have cropped up that I feel like I am getting one heart attack after another. I don't understand why, but it has always been the case that just before I go on any annual leave over 3 days, there is suddenly a lot of 'urgent' stuff that needs my attention and a lot of conference calls to attend. There's just one more work day to go before I take a 3 day hiatus from work and the thought of not being able to check my emails is begining to freak me out.

It's not that I am 'indispensible' but I guess being the (failed) perfectionist that I am, I want everything to be as close to perfection as possible. I'd have thought that I had learnt the invaluable lesson that life is never going to be perfect for me... well, apparently not. Mark told me on Saturday that I need to lower my expectations of myself and of others so that I can be a happier and less stressed up. I need to learn how to 'let go'... but in reality it is easier said than done. I think I will make this my resolution for 2010.

On the personal front, there are so many things left undone too... I have yet to pack our bags for the trip, have not prepared Hershey's food for the next 4 days, have not bought the stuff that my sis-in-law wants me to help her buy, have not sent out one single Christmas card, etc...

I really wish I can find a hole to crawl into and hopefully never come out (ahhh... I have to add the hole digging to my 'To Do' list too)...

Hush Little Baby

Does anyone know if music can be played from the lift shaft? I mean from inside the lift shaft and not in the lift lobby or inside the lift like the kind you'd hear in a hotel lift?

The first time we heard it was on 09 Feb 2009. I can remember it very clearly because that was one day before I found out I was expecting Chloe. We were coming home from work that evening and we heard it coming from within the lift shaft while we were waiting for the lift to take us up from the basement carpark to our unit. The music disappeared as suddenly as it started.. it just sort of faded away towards the end of the song. Mark and I were mystified because we had been living here for 7 months and that was the first time we heard music... and a lullaby at that. Since we had no answers, I decided to take it as a 'Hello Mom & Dad' message from Lucas.

Although I looked forward to hearing it again, I never heard it anymore after that and gradually left it at that. While I knew that it was a children's song, I didn't know the name of the song and gradually forgot about the melody as well. I was pretty upset with myself for forgetting it.

Yesterday arvo, as Mark and I were coming back from the pool, we heard it again!!! Mark and I just stood there and stared at each other AND at the lift. The music defintely came from inside the lift shaft (not the lift) and again, as the doors were closing, it faded away. It is THAT same song and this time, Mark struck gold as he actually recalled part of the lyrics! I googled it immediately and finally found the song - Hush Little Baby. The version that we heard comprised only of the melody and it sounded like something from a musical box...

Is this our babies' way of saying 'Hello Mommy & Daddy'?

** Lucas and Chloe darlings, your mama and papa will buy you anything you can ever possibly ask for, ok perhaps except that dog named 'Rover' cos you already have Huskee and Hershey. Loving and missing you like always...

Chloe's CDs

I found this CD in my bedside drawer... Mark bought them for me when I was expecting Chloe.

I don't even remember if I had listened to it then. It's all too late now...

I will be keeping this CD inside Chloe's Treasure Chest. **SIGH**

Finally most of the 'entertaining' that I have to do is almost complete, only one more to go for tomorrow evening. I hope the hearing on my left side resumes back to normal before the dinner, or else the dinner will be punctuated with my 'huhs', 'I beg your pardons', 'Can you please repeats', etc... The hearing in my left ear had gone kaput since a week ago and I had been hoping that it'd sort itself out in a few days. It's been exactly a week now and I still cannot hear very well on that side... freaking annoying feeling it is!!

We were supposed to have a small BBQ dinner tonight but the rain had successfully ruined the plans. Just as well since I wasn't in the mood for it already. I ended up pan frying the lamb chops and beef steaks, and boiled some greens so that it wasn't too meaty. The end result wasn't that bad as both Mark and our guest enjoyed it a lot... Dinner was followed by a wine and cheese session. **burp**

Feeling so tired after all the activities... I should have a good night's sleep later (hopefully). Wishing for a dreamless sleep...

Positive Thinking = Bullshit

Yesterday started off on a good foot... I managed to clear quite a bit of work and was looking forward to the annex weekend. On top of that, I had a relaxing lunch meeting at Mandarin Oriental where the hotel hosted me to a lovely lunch at Cherry Garden.

After the lunch, I made the mistake of checking my Facebook account on my phone. In response to the new 'status' that that I had updated in the morning, a friend left me some 'advice' which seriously pissed me off more than anything else. I do not need anyone telling me that behaving and thinking positive will make things better. Trust me, I have been there and done that. It's a load of bullshit and seriously does NOT work, at least for me. I quote this proverb: Advice given after injury is like medicine given after death. So does it help and will it work, I can't help but laugh.

Unless you have had the experience of cradling your own baby in your arms, see her dying right before your eyes and realize that no amount of bloody positive thinking is ever going to save her, then you are not entitled to give me any advice about behaving positive or having positive thoughts. I have said it before and am saying it here again. For all of the 6 months that I had Chloe, I did think positive even though I had a prior miscarriage. I bet many people don't even realize how much courage it takes to do that... just go and ask any woman who had a subsequent pregnancy after a miscarriage. And to suffer the blow of a second miscarriage despite all those crap positive thinking is like being raised to heaven one minute and find yourself banished to hell the next. It sucked big time.

People who dispense 'advice' may have all the best intentions in the world, but somehow many of these advice can be so blase, so superficial and so flippant. Maybe it's just me and I am being weird, but really, I DO NOT need advice. My request is very simple... sometimes I just need to talk, to vent, to let out how I feel... And all I need is your listening ear and/ or a shoulder to cry on, and if it's not too much to ask, your patience will be appreciated because even I don't know how long I will take to untangle myself from this web.

For people who are inclined to view life through rose tinted glasses, I am very happy that you are still able to view life this way. Sadly for me, I have lost those 'glasses' and I have learnt that while life CAN be a bed of roses, please do not forget that underneath the beautiful petals and sweet scent lies a bed of prickly thorns. Right now, I am caught in that maze of thorns, so please don't bother telling me how nice it can be up there amongst the soft petals.

***********************************************************************

Ok ranting over... I think I have vented enough and I think I feel better.

Yesterday, 26 Nov 09, also marks the 5th month since Chloe left my arms. **Mummy is still pining for you and missing you dearly, my precious princess.**

Hysterosalpingogram (HSG) --- Part I

Over the lunch hour yesterday, I was back at NUH to do a scheduled x-ray procedure called Hysterosalpingogram (try pronouncing it!), or simply HSG. Bascially it's done to check if my fallopian tubes are blocked and if my uterus appears normal before I commence on any fertility treatments. My fertility doc was the one who ordered for this test to be done, and she did warn me previously that it'd be rather painful. It was a rather weird and surreal experience... more awkward than painful if you ask me. It WAS pretty painful, but the awkwardness of it bothered me much more.

It was a lady doc who performed the actual procedure, but there was this young MALE doc understudying and assisting her. I guess he'd be around my age, so for me to be in that vulnerable, splayed open and totally unglamorous position for a good 10 minutes was indeed torturous. Sigh... I don't think I will forget this experience anytime soon.

When I saw my uterus on the monitor, again I couldn't help but think to myself how small and empty it looked without a baby swimming and bobbing around inside it. I could almost imagine Chloe in there... contentedly sucking on her thumb and kicking her little legs.

Everything aside, I hope the results are turn out ok. I don't need more problems to complicate my already very complicated and messed up life.

Fertility Treatment - Dec 2009

I saw the fertility doctor yesterday and she told me that since all my blood test results have come back looking 'normal', she'd be starting me on the fertility treatment next month!! She presented the options to me and we have agreed to start with the less invasive treatment first, i.e. Clomid. I guess pill-popping is a lot less painful, less expensive and less invasive than the injections. I conceived Lucas through Clomid and Chloe through the FSH (follicle stimulating hormones) injections. Both of these methods are the less invasive ones compared to IUI or IVF. I am really hoping that Clomid will work its magic on me again without too long a wait **crossing fingers**...

I admitted to the doc that I was apprehensive about falling pregnant because of my past history. Moreover, they have not been able to find out the cause of my two niscarriages. She told me that it is fully understandable the way I am feeling, but she also said that she personally feels that I should give it a shot because I am still of child-bearing age and if I don't give it another try, I may live to regret it when it's too late.

The doc assured me that when I fall pregnant, I'd be taken care by a team of doctors in the High Risk Obstetrics Dept and I will be closely monitored. It did give me some degree of assurance, but STILL, that fear of the unknown is never far from my mind. Anyway, I am feeling quite lost yet again... it feels like being caught between a rock and a hard place... somewhat of a 'dammed if you do, dammed if you don't' kind of scenario.

Ok, back to something less gloomy. I saw Dr T while I was at the clinic!! Again, I was too cowardly to say 'hi'. I texted Mark and told him about it, and the response I got was just one word, i.e. Lame. I called Fion and told her about it too, fortunately she was a lot kinder than Mark was and we had a good girly chat/ laugh. Strangely though, the heart wasn't palpitating that much like before... Hopefully this is an indication that I am getting over this fruitless infatuation!! This will come as good news for my long suffering husband and friends, who have been at the listening end of my nonsensical chatter.

Today is Mark's last day at his current workplace. He'd be taking a 2 week break before starting at the new place, and he claims that he'd spend quality time with me during the 2 weeks (can anyone hear my toes laughing??). I am not a psychic, but I already know what he'd be doing during those 2 weeks:

1) Meddle with the home computer (because he's recently managed to install Mac on it)

2) Play games on his PlayStation

3) Play games on his PlayStation

4) Play games on his PlayStation

The Entertainer --- Part I

Mark and I went back to touch up our tattoos yesterday arvo. Can't believe it's been 3 months since I have had it done... I had almost forgotten the feeling of being tattooed on, and was a tiny bit worried initially. However, once the tattoo artist placed the equipment on my bare flesh and when I hear the familiar buzzing made by the machine, I felt strangely comforted. I actually LIKED the prickly, ticklish sensation. The session only took less than an hour since it was only touching-up. I was secretly hoping that it'd take longer...

It still feels a little sore today, especially when the waistband of my shorts chafe against the naked skin. I actually like feeling the soreness because it feels like Lucas and Chloe are gently reminding me of their presence. Oh yes, and no swimming for me for the next 3 weeks, just as well cos it's been raining non-stop anyway.

After the session, we took a short walk around town while waiting for time to pass... We were supposed to pick my UK friend from his hotel at 5pm, followed by dinner and drinks... took him for chicken rice at this old restaurant at Purvis Street since he said he was game for something local. We adjourned to the Long Bar at Raffles Hotel for drinks cos he wanted to try the Singapore Sling. 3 drinks at the Long Bar costs more than the dinner for 3!!

I guess last evening went fairly well, at least from my point of view. I just dread to have to 'entertain' even on weekends because I find it tiring to have to put on my 'happy face'. Moreover these people whom I'll be meeting are not even that close to me... some I'll probably not even meet again. For 5 days a week, I have to put up a 'normal' front for my colleagues and clients... so Saturdays and Sundays are the only days I can really be myself. I am really dragging my feet over the next 3 sessions of entertaining...

I present to you --- The Entertainer!

Chicken Soup...

Amanda's mom, A, had been 'chatting' with me via email the occasional email, and shared with me that she doesn't think she is as ready for motherhood as she had initially thought. I think she is struggling a little in coping with the new baby. I felt sorry for her but then there is nothing much that I can advise her on because I am not a mom... I can't say that I have 'been there, done that'. All I can say to A is that it'd all be worth it at the end of the day because everything she's doing is for Amanda.

I saw this Chicken Soup for the New Mom's Soul book at the bookshop on Fri, and thought I'd get it for her as a gift. When I saw this book, I couldn't help but wonder when I will ever be on the receiving end of this book? If ever...

Anyway, A had been very sweet... in one of her emails to me, she told me that ever since we started swopping pregnancy stories, she had already viewed Chloe as one of Amanda's very first friend. She said that she used to imagine Chloe and Amanda playing together by the pool, or playing with their little tea sets. She also told me that she is sure one day, Lucas and Chloe will send me their little sibling, and their little brother/ sister will become good friends with Amanda. I desperately hope that what she says will come true.

I told A that little Amanda will always be special to me because of her 'connection' with Chloe... The best part is that A actually said that Amanda would be 'honoured and lucky' to have a godmom like me!!! I am pretty excited about it... I hope that Amanda will always be a part of my life. I got some presents for Amanda for her first month celebration and buying those gifts was a bittersweet experience. I enjoyed looking at/ buying baby things for Amanda, but at the same time, it was a pretty sad time too because I wish I was also buying them for Chloe...

Mark and I are missing our little princess so much. I wonder if they have a version in the Chicken Soup series called Chicken Soup for the Heartbroken Mom's Soul...

OMG... I just found out that I have yet another person coming to Singapore next week!!! Feels like my own mini version of the APEC Summit...

Checklist:

• This weekend - 1 from UK
• Next week - 1 from KL, 1 from HKG
• Next weekend - 1 from HKG

I think I need to go on a vacation after that... Oh yes, actually I am going for a short break to KL to visit Mark's sister and bro-in-law the week after. Hope that's the short break that I need. I just want to go away somewhere. Actually we had originally intended to go to Phuket because a friend owns a penthouse there and had been inviting us to go over for the longest time. Somehow, Mark decided he wanted to go to KL instead. We will 'save' Phuket for another time... perhaps during Chinese New Year.

I am not looking forward to Chinese New Year although it's 3 months away... so going away may be a good option. Guess I will get the same old question from distant relatives who do not know about my miscarriages., i.e. 'So when are you going to have a baby?'. I just wish I can bluntly tell them the truth and hope that it'd shut them up for good.

I am pretty sure Mark's Grandma will also subtedly drop hints like she did over the last 2 Chinese New Years. Bless her... all she really wants is a great-grandchild to bear the 'Lee' surname and I have disappointed the poor old lady twice. I think both times, she and Mark's aunties were so happy to hear that I was expecting... and both times, I have failed to complete my 'mission'. His Grandma had never once blamed me, but I can sense it through the little things she says and I can also see the disappointment in her eyes. I hope I won't disappoint her again for the third time.

Can't believe it's already Thursday... the weekend is almost here. For once, I am not really looking forward to this weekend and the week after because Mark and I have got a fair amount of entertaining to do. This Sunday, a UK colleague's husband will be in town and she's asked if I could take him out as it's his first time in Singapore. I hope it won't be awkward because I have never met or spoken with him before!!

Following that, next week an ex-colleague from Hong Kong is coming to town and I'd need to meet him for dinner too. That's not it, one of Mark's client will also be coming to Singapore next Thur and Fri, so there's more socialising and entertaining in store. Hopefully I won't put on any of the weight I have already lost with all these entertaining...

How can I speed things up so that it's already the next weekend?? Where's the 'fast forward' button??

Do You Believe in Guardian Angels?

This is one long overdue post that I had been meaning to write about but had been sitting on it cos it is a rather long story.

Encounter 1
Mark took me on a cruise vacation in July 2009, hoping to help me relax and take my mind off things. On the day that we boarded the boat, we had an encounter that I have not shared with anyone until this day.

Right before going on the trip, I finished reading a book on ‘Angels’… It is called ‘Signs from Above’ by Doreen Virtue. The author said that each of us have at least 1 or 2 guardian angels by our side since the moment we are born. All we need is to learn to ask for their help… and if we are doubtful of their existence, we can ask them for a sign (or two) to show that they indeed exist. I shared this with Mark and we playfully asked for a ‘sign’ from our guardian angels… both of us are always cynical about anything that is spiritual/ supernatural… basically we like to only believe in tangible things that we can see.

We boarded the boat and immediately went to the cabin to leave our baggage… then we walked around to check out all the other facilities and outlets (even though we have been on the same boat before and nothing much has changed!!). After all the nosey-ing around was done, we went back to the lobby area to have a drink. There was a live band playing and we sat down to listen with our champagne in hand. I then commented to Mark something about ‘wouldn’t it be nice if they played/sang Lucas’ song (Can’t Cry Hard Enough) and/ or Chloe’s song (Love Me)’… then we laughed off how impossible it’d be for them to pick those 2 songs to sing out of all the songs in the world. Moreover, I am sure they would want to sing light-hearted, cheery songs, not songs about death/ separation.

After singing 2 or 3 songs, I then heard the familiar tune of ‘Can’t Cry Hard Enough’… Yes, they were singing my little boy’s song!!! Mark even recorded it on his video-cam (it is the very same one that he bought because he wanted to use it to record Chloe’s birth) and I cried through the entire song… and I was in awe, incredulous and astonished by the sheer coincidence.

After that song ended, we went to make dinner reservations at the Japanese restaurant just off the lobby. Once we have confirmed the reservation and were going to walk back to our cabin, my heart almost stopped because there it was… the familiar strains to Chloe’s song, ‘Love Me’. Mark and I stared at each other, totally stunned and not sure what to say. He recorded it on the video-cam again while I literally clung onto him for support and wept through the entire song (again). If there was anyone watching me, I am sure they think my screws are loose...

I mean what are the chances of something like this happening?? If it was only 1 song, I could say that it was ‘sheer coincidence’, but they sang BOTH my songs!! Out of all the songs they could have sung, they chose my babies’ songs… and they sang it during the exact period that we were there so that we wouldn’t miss it. I am not sure if this was a response to the ‘sign’ that we asked for… but Mark told me that it was a sign that our babies were right there with us on that day, at that moment, on that boat.


Encounter 2
I had been complaining to Mark about the lack/ loss of ‘sparks’ in our relationship. Everything feels like a routine and we are taking each other for granted, he does not make my heart palpitate anymore, there is no element of surprise/novelty… the list goes on. I hope I am just going through a phase… I feel sorry for that poor man sometimes, but I can’t help feeling that way.

So after dinner one Saturday night in September, he decided to do something out of the norm and took me to Mt Faber for drinks. It’s not something that we have done before and I liked the place… it was a cool, breezy night with a beautiful full moon and there was a live band too.

Again, I asked Mark what would be the chances that they’d sing Lucas and/ or Chloe’s songs and he replied that it’d be unlikely and moreover, the songs that they were sang were quite jazzy…

Someone in the restaurant then made a song request and would you believe me if I said it was Chloe’s song - ‘Love Me’?? I was flabbergasted… Mark was too. Again, I cried through the whole song and Mark’s eyes were red too. Thankfully we sat outdoors and it was pretty dark so no one saw us. I honestly, really, genuinely, truly felt that my Chloe was there and that’s her sign to let us know.

That was the ONLY song request that was made that night… sometimes it’s hard to believe in ‘sheer coincidence’ anymore. I am really beginning to believe that there are ‘higher forces’ out there.

** And to my Guardian Angel/ Angels if you are reading this, please love and protect my Lucas and Chloe until I reunited with them. Oh and if it's not too much to ask, I'd like to have a live, healthy baby for my next pregnancy cos I already have 2 Angels.

Heaven Knows

Yes, I guess only 'Heaven Knows' just how much I miss my babies. I had a dream 2 nights ago... In my dreams, I dreamt that I lost Chloe and it was all so real... I went through the all the motions and emotions of the faithful day that I lost her. The only problem was that it was not really a dream, I woke up from it with the sickening realization that I have also lost her in reality.

Last Sunday evening I was in the kitchen preparing dinner (salad) for Mark and myself, and Mark was taking a well-deserved rest on the couch after 2 solid hours of ironing, listening to music at the same time. My back was facing him and out of the blue, he came into the kitchen asking for a hug. I found it strange and hugely unusual because I am usually the one asking to be hugged. When I turned around and saw his face, I realized that he'd been crying. He told me that he was thinking of Chloe and missed her a lot.

Of course I stopped whatever I was doing and hugged him tightly. There we were, standing in the middle of the kitchen, hugging and crying at the same time for our little girl lost. She'd have been a month old. I hope Heaven lets Lucas and Chloe know just how much their parents love them.

Forbidden Fruit?

An acquaintance from Australia sent me an email a week or so ago asking me how I was feeling, etc, so I replied to her by saying that I find that life is pretty meaningless and there wasn't anything for me to look forward to. She replied to me with a long note yesterday, telling me how fortunate I am to have found Mark, my soulmate. This is part of what she wrote ---- 'You have Mark by your side to help you and to love you and to share your experiences with you. Maybe if you really focus on what you have, this might help you a little in your grief for your two babies'.

The problem is I know this, and that is precisely the reason why I have so much heartache and am in so much pain. I know very well that I have a husband who loves me a lot, and whom I love dearly, this is 50% of the reason why I am trying so hard to give him a baby!!! (The other 50% is simply because I want to be a mom cos I am pretty sure I'd be a good mom.. this is purely what I think only cos obviously I had been twice robbed of the chances where I could have proven it.)

I hope that Mark and I can have a 'fruit of our loins' (learnt this expression from 'Meet the Fockers' - it is one of my alltime favourite movies!!), and I want to have a tangible 'product' of the love that we share. I want to go through the process of nurturing my baby, loving and protecting my baby, and watching him/ her grow. I want a mini-Mark and/ or mini-Shane and I can't wait to see how he/ she looks like. I want to see Mark playing with his own child, not someone else's kid. When I die, I want to leave behind a 'legacy' in this world...

For a lot of other couples, this may seem easy and all natural. For me, this is like scaling Mt Everest.