I bought this ovulation test kit last week cos I expected that I would ovulate this week (I guess if I were 'normal', I would have ovulated already). Well, I don't think I would be needing this anytiime soon...

Super pissed off with MYSELF!!! I wonder WTF is wrong with my body!!! It's so frustrating because when I went back for the scan this morning, I was again told that there are no matured follicles despite the fact that I had taken fertility tablets. I hate the fact that I am at the mercy of something that I have zero control over.

The doctor wanted me to go back on Thursday to see if the follicles have increased in size. If there is still no developments by then, we will have to abandon this cycle and wait for the next one.

Very disappointed and very angry - WITH MYSELF!

Did my grocery shopping and meant to go to the pool for a couple of hours upon getting home, but once I reached home, the skies turned dark and I heard thunder. Ok, change of plans then... no swimming today.

A colleague reminded me that I had to clear my annual leave from the current fiscal year, upon checking, I realised that I still have 11 days to be cleared by 31 Mar. That ain't going to happen obviously, but I have taken leave today and Monday, so it's a start at least. I planned to sleep in and then spend a couple of hours at the pool, but none of this happened.

I woke up earlier than usual because Hershey was whining away and after a while, I learnt the reason behind her whines. She wanted to be let out so that she can go to her toilet... our poor girl has diarrhea. Somewhere between when I was changing the bedsheets and doing the laundry, she pooped again, stepped on it and walked halfway around the house!! I ended up mopping the whole house twice... After that was done, I thought I can take a break and read the newspapers, but the poor pup puked in 3 different places, which resulted in more mopping (I think the house hasn't been so clean in a long time). By the time everything is done, I am exhausted and no longer in the mood to do any of the things I had originally set out to do.

Oh and I couldn't resist taking a peek at my work email, and ended up working for over 2 hours... If I feel up to it, perhaps I will go to the supermarket to buy some food so that I can make Mark a special dinner tonight. No more Western dishes this time... I want Chinese food. I bought 2 cook books yesterday and am inspired to try out some of the dishes.

Since if I cannot give my husband any baby, the least I can do is to keep his stomach full.

Waiting... waiting... waiting

I waited close to 2 hours for my second ultra-sound scan this morning... about the same length of time that I waited for my first scan on Monday.

The total time I spent in the consultation room was around 5 minutes. The actual scan only took like 3 minutes; I took 1 minute undressing and dressing (in that order) and the last minute (more like 30 seconds) was for the doctor to tell me that the follicle size is still far from the target (for ovulation to take place) and that I should go back (again) for another scan on Monday to see if the follicles have grown.

So it'll be another 2 hour in the waiting room come Monday... I seem to be spending a large portion of my life playing the waiting game. Waiting for ovulaton, waiting for conception, waiting for my period, waiting for test results, waiting for the weekend to come, waiting... waiting... waiting...

I wonder if this new cycle will bring me the good news that I so badly want to hear, or will it be another disappointment?

My Kind of 'Diet'

The counsellor came by to our place this morning to get me to sign off my 'discharge document' to discharge myself from her care. She was really surprised when she saw me cos she claimed that I lost 'a lot' of weight and she wouldn't have recognised me if I bumped into her outside.

I have been weighing myself daily and I have not lost much weight... I don't think I have lost anything over 1.5 kg, which is pretty insignificant anyway. Mark also made a comment earlier this week that I look haggard due to my sunken cheeks (yup, now he's made me more self-conscious than ever).

The same thing happened when I was in the office earlier this week. Two colleagues whom I rarely see commented that I have lost heaps weight and asked what kind of diet I was on. I certainly am not putting myself through any kind of 'diet' consciously, certainly not Atkins, South Beach, Cambridge, etc.

Perhaps my kind of diet is the 'Diet of the Broken Hearted'. No exercise or pill-popping necessary...

It's a brand new day, but nothing's changed - my thoughts and emotions that is... I am still feeling very unhappy although I am tired of it, but I cannot control it.

Last night when we were in the car going home, Mark remarked that he feels that we have short-changed Chloe because she does not have anything. What I mean is that we always refer to the other spare bedroom as 'Lucas's room', Mark wears a pendant with 'Lucas' inscribed on it, etc, but Chloe does not have anything per se.

My only response to him is that I have short-changed Chloe from the moment my waterbag broke.

Eternal Sadness

Very disappointingly, I woke up this morning... I woke up to another day that is filled with gloom, unhappiness and dread. It is not even 1pm now, but I am already feeling exhausted. I am consumed by only one thought/ emotion - Sadness. Don't know why but I just know I feel sad, very sad.

Last night I spent some time lying on Mark's lap and just cried and cried. Somehow I still don't think that I have cried enough... I still have the urge to cry some more, a lot more actually. Like I recently told a friend, the pain inside NEVER leaves... It is there lurking in the shadows, waiting for the opportunity to consume me again (and again and again); dragging me into the same abyss over and over; stabbing at my heart and soul relentlessly; and keeping my eyes constantly brimming over with unshed tears.

I just feel like curling into a ball and cry my heart out.

Help... what is happening to me?

Sign from my Angels?

I almost forgot about this feather (I believe it's from a seagull??) that I found lying on the road in Japan. I kept the feather between the pages of a book that I brought along for my recent Tokyo trip and only 'rediscovered' it when I picked the book up last night for some bedtime reading. Small, insignificant and easily missed by people hurrying by, it somehow caught my eye immediately after I stepped out of the airport terminal.

It was lying on the dirty tar pavement, but surprisingly, it remained pristine white. Remembering the book I read on Angel Signs, I was determined to 'save' this feather from being trampled by the people walking around... perhaps a part of me was hoping that it was a sign from my Angels.

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'Feathers may be the ultimate angelic sign. Although feathers come in all different sizes and colors, they're amazing signs because they're directly connected with the thought, prayer, or question that you had in mind. Rarely will you find one left by the angels without knowing what it means. Either you’ll come across it while thinking about something or you'll immediately sense the association upon finding it. The angels will bring you feathers and other signs in a way tailor-made to your own level of faith.'

Weekday = Office Work, Weekend = Housework

Woke up to a dull and rainy day... I don't mind it one bit cos that's how I like it anyway. It is nice and cool for a change, instead of the usual unbearable heat and humidity. Moreover, it complements perfectly with how I have been feeling lately... i.e. depressing, disconsolate and miserable. A good night of sleep has also been evading me for the past couple of nights and it can be pretty annoying.

There are heaps of errands to run today and it is a busy day ahead... the air-con servicing people are coming over in the morning, clean the house after they leave, polish the parquet floor in the bedroom, send Huskee to the groomer, do grocery shopping for next week, iron clothes (if possible), go over to mom's place for dinner... Initially intended to wash a load of clothes but since the weather doesn't permit, I guess I'd have to wait and see if tomorrow will bring some sunshine.

I find it feeble how I wait all week for the weekend to come, and when it is finally here, I spend it doing housework and running errands... and before I know it, the weekend is over. Is this what my life is all about?

Message from Above???

Mark and I were by the poolside over one weekend and he was trying to get onto the internet... while searching through the list of networks, one particular one stood out from the rest.

We both wondered if it was a message from our princess...

You've Got Mail

I was on a conference call when Mark came home last night. I saw a cheeky smile on his face and was wondering who/ what would have brought upon that. He then showed me the white envelope in his hands and it took a while before I registered what it was.

When I was in London last week, I decided to do something different to surprise him, so I wrote him a letter using the hotel stationery and got the hotel staff to mail it for me. We usually email/ MSN/ SMS or talk on the phone, so snail mail is somewhat of a novelty for us. As far as I can recall, we have not exchanged any snail mail since Mark returned from Melbourne in 2002.

Anyway, I totally forgot about this letter until I saw it again last evening... Glad it brought a smile to his face at the end of a long and tiring day.

Heart versus Head

Work has kept me so busy that I didn't even find the time to blog yesterday... On Monday night, I received an urgent request from the boss to attend a meeting with a prospective client on Tue morning and it totally messed up my schedule. Anyway, I went into the office as requested, albeit reluctantly (how can I turn the boss down??). While waiting for the folks from the client's side to arrive, the GM of the local office mentioned that his IT guy is on paternity leave this week as his wife recently gave birth. He then proceeded to show me a photo of the colleague and his new baby. WTF!!!!... My morning was already off to a bad start without needing reminder of what I have lost and what I do NOT have.

Nonetheless, I pretended to look politely at the photo for all of 3 seconds... afterall, this is the social expectation, isn't it? No matter much I dread/ hate/ dislike doing certain things, I still have to do it simply because there is an expectation... Like how I am expected to look normal and happy even though I truly am not. Like how I pretend that I have 'recovered' from losing Chloe because it is almost 9 months and people expect expect me to move on. I had a colleague who actually told me a few months ago that 'Ohh, it's been so long already, you should have gotten over it by now'... Fact is, I will never be 'over it', unless dementia strikes me.

I have been feeling so frustrated and pulled apart by 'What I FEEL is right' versus 'What I THINK is right'. Most, if not all, of the time, I go for 'What I THINK is right' because it seems more factual and reliable than a feeling/ emotion. But now, I have almost had enough of it and for once, I hope I can do 'What I FEEL is right'... I want to do what my heart desires, and not what my brain tells me.

Now, I FEEL like quitting my job. Pronto.

Pressie for My Babies... --- Part II

I seem to have become an emotional wreck ever since I returned from London. I am guessing it could be a cocktail of work stress, physical and mental exhaustion and the disappointment of getting my period. The other problem could be that I may need to make another trip in 2 weeks' time. In a nutshell, I just feel depressed and very unhappy about everything around me.

When I was on the plane to London, a Caucasian man queuing behind me for the toilet saw my Angels tattoo on my lower back and told me that he thought it was really beautiful and very well done. It did make me happy, even if it was only for a while. Don't know why, but recently, I have been thinking of Lucas and Chloe a lot more than I usually would. Thinking of them makes me sad... cos I miss them so much and it's a constant reminder that there is a huge void in my life which no one can ever fill.

Following the 'tradition' where I bought them something during my Tokyo trip, I bought each of them a little teddy bear from Harrods. I didn't buy identical ones this time, so Mark was tasked with deciding which goes to whom. He decided that the one with wearing a muffler with the Union Jack flag was for Lucas and the other furry bear with a Harrods ribbon around its neck would be for Chloe.

I think I will leave them displayed on my bedside table for a little while longer before I put them into their respective Treasure Chests.

How I wish my babies are here to play with their presents and let me know if they liked what their mummy got for them.

London Sightseeing

My period came yesterday, which clearly confirms that conception did not happen this month. It did come 'right on schedule' though and good thing I was prepared for it... I can't say that I am not overly disappointed about it although I shouldn't be surprised since there is only a 25% chance of succcess. This feeling of 'failure' is a bummer, and like a wet blanket but what else can I do about it except to grit my teeth and trudge on. It's quite miserable to be away from home during this time because a hug and having a shoulder to cry will be nice.

Thankfully today is my last day in London after a very packed and intense week of meetings. My colleague and I had a few hours of free time last evening and we went to do a spot of sightseeing... He studied in London years back and was my guide around town. We visited Oxford Street, Big Ben, Trafalgar Sqaure, Piccadilly Circus, The Houses of Parliament, London Eye (and I cannot remember what else). I will definitely come back here again one day for leisure. I love the architecture of all the old buildings. Each and every one of them seems to have its own story to tell and it'd be nice to be able to spend more time to explore. I didn't get a chance to check out the Tower Bridge and many other places so definitely need to come back (hopefully on business class!!).

It's only 4am now but I cannot force myself to sleep anymore. My head is throbbing (again!!) but I am not sure what is the cause of it this time... it could have been the consecutive nights of insufficent sleep, or my period, or possibly a hangover (had a few drinks at the hotel bar with my colleagues). Hopefully it'd clear without me having to take any painkillers. Urghhh...

Drats... it's so freaking cold in London, and jet lag hit me hard, really hard. I've only managed to sleep for around 3 to 4 hours in the past 48 hours. Geez, there are 2 more days to go before the 14 hour journey home. This is one of the most tiring business trip I have ever undertaken... I seriously am so looking forward to be back at home and I am missing Mark a lot. When we are apart, I miss him so much, but when we are together, we waste so much of our time arguing over trivial stuff.

I have so much that I want to blog about, but simply too exhausted... I am going to shower and fall straight into bed. Hope I have sweet dreams of my darling and my Angels tonight.

Sitting in the waiting area waiting to board my 'flying torture chamber'. This trip is off on a rocky start because firstly the taxi that Mark had booked for me last night didn't show up (WTF)!!! To complicate matters, I had a tummy upset. I normally get tummy upsets before my period, so well, I guess my period is coming and It means that I am so NOT pregnant. This feeling totally sucks!!

I have not even left the country but I am already feeling pangs of homesickness... Missing Mark, missing my bed, missing my house, missing my comfort zone and yes, even missing Hershey.

Our New Sis-in-law

My brother-in-law recently announced that he'd be getting married. It caught most of the family by surprise because we never even knew that he had a girlfriend until Dec 09. Now in Mar 10, he's decided to marry her. She is Vietnamese and apparently they have known each other for over 2 years. He went to Vietnam to visit her over the Christmas holidays and went over again during Chinese New Year to propose. One week after he returned from his vacation there, he announced that she is coming over and they'd be getting married soon.

She (I still don't know how to spell/ pronounce my future sis-in-law's name) arrived on Saturday and they had initially planned to register on 26 Mar. Then yesterday, he announced that they'd be registering their marriage on 10 Mar instead. Whoa... it's like someone hit the 'fast forward' button and forgot to let go. She seems nice, but since I have only met her twice in the same number of days and we didn't interact much, I shall reserve my opinion until later. Not my opinion matters anyway because my bro-in-law looks very happily in love and is totally besotted with his soon-to-be wife. It is a side of him that I have not seen before, and I am glad he's found his special someone.

For now, I hope that she loves him as much as he loves her. It's still early now to tell how she'd be once the initial 'niceties' are gone... Mark's parents, his mom especially, seems to be deliriously happy with the impending nuptials and I really hope that my new sis-in-law will be nice to her in-laws (aka my in-laws too) and treat them the way she would her own parents. I guess I am a cynic and it always takes me a while to warm up to someone as there is this protective side of me that will take some time to size someone up before I let them into my 'circle of trust' (outter). My inner circle of trust is open to only the most 'exclusive'. LOL!!

What also surprised me was the reaction of Mark's Grandma. I had expected her to be ecstatic about the union cos it'd mean another potential 'candidate' to help extend the family line (I sound like a prude!!). She was rather reserved but maybe she's like me, she just needs more time to warm up to her new grand-daugther-in-law. Hopefully this new grand-daughter-in-law will give her the great grandchild that she is longing for since the other hopeless one failed twice at the 'mission'.

Ok, got to go and do up my manicure (DIY of course) and pack my bags for the long (and painful) trip tomorrow. NOT looking forward to it one bit and can't wait for it to be over even though it hasn't even begun!!!

Happy 12th Year Anniversary

07 Mar 2010 is a day of much significance for Mark and I.

On this day 12 years ago, on a chilly night in early Aussie autumn, Mark and I officially became a couple after he held my hands for the first time on the pretext of leading me across a road. We were on the way back to our hostel after a group date with a bunch of friends to the Moomba Festival in Melbourne. The interesting thing to note is that there are no cars on that stretch of road that Mark led me across because that road was closed to traffic for the festival!! It was pretty funny but I allowed him to contiue to hold my hand anyway. This day in 1998 marked our future together.

On this very same day 2 years ago, Lucas was conceived. I recalled that I returned home from a business trip from Tokyo on that day and I forgot to buy an anniversary present for Mark. He bought me a matching set of Tiffany necklace and bracelet for our 10th year anniversary, and the necklace has 10 silver hearts, each one representing the number of years we had been together. I was mortified and totally guilty for not getting him anything, and promised that I'd make it up to him. Little did I expect that I'd give him a son on that day, our firstborn, our priceless treasure.

For our 12th year anniversary this year, Mark gave me a beautiful pair of earrings from Tiffany while I bought him an Agnes b laptop bag from Tokyo.

I love my present and I think Mark likes the bag too cos he is already using it. However, deep inside my heart, I know that Mark will be so much happier if the babies I had given him didn't become angels. I know that I will be so much happier if the present I give to my husband is not bought with money, but instead, it'd be something priceless that is made with love and created by the two of us.

Pressie for my Babies... --- Part I

I bought these two little bunnies while I was at the airport waiting for my flight back from Tokyo. I had wanted to get something for Lucas and Chloe while I was there, but didn't see anything that I liked. I was rather disappointed that I didn't buy them anything until I saw these 2 cute bunnies dressed in kimono. Totally love their adorable expressions and their little pink ears. It makes me happy just looking at them **happy grin**...

In hindsight, I should have bought a 'spare set' to bring around with me so that I can laways look at them, and keep the other set in their respective Treasure Chest.

I hope my Angels like their bunnies...

Home Sweet Home...

The flight touched down at almost 2am this morning and by the time cleared immigration and bought duty free booze for my alcoholic husband, I reached home close to 3am with my body aching and my eyes fighting to stay open. Being cooped up for 7 hours in that tiny economy class seat is pure torture... and I had to consciously make myself stand up/ stretch/ move since I am a 'borderline' case for Thrombophilia. I am totally dreading next week's 14 hour flight... not sure if I can survive it there, let alone come back.

Here are some photos taken in Tokyo using my iPhone... I'll try to remind myself to bring a 'real' camera with me for the next trip because it is my first time in London.

I had the most tasty, mouthwatering, to-die-for Japanese food for 3 consecutive days, and I think I can get used to it! Some of the photos are below.. there was another scrumptious dinner my colleagues hosted for me, but I was too shy to take photos of all the dishes with their big boss there.

Tokyo is definitely one of my few favourite places, and I am making it a point to go there for holidays with Mark one day. Shopping is fantastic too cos they have so many brands which we don't find in Singapore. I managed to buy Mark a present for our 12th year anniversary this Sunday, and on top of that, I bought myself a bag to ummm... 'reward' myself for suffering the 7 hours there and back. Great excuse, no?? (Ohhh.. and I need to reward myself even more for the next trip since the 'torture time' is doubled!!)

Feels wonderful to be back into the arms of my darling...

Tokyo Day 03 --- Part II

Whoaaa... I just looked into the mirror and nearly fell over in shock. My eye bags no longer qualify as 'bags' anymore... they have become 'Samsonite suitcases'!! This is freaky...

Tokyo Day 03 --- Part I

I didn't have the time to blog yesterday because in the day, there was a client presentation and then back to back meetings with my Japanese colleagues. The client meeting started off rather tense because the Vice President from the client's side attended, and he looked like a really stern and no-nonsense American. Thankfully he warmed up to us and even started making non-business related jokes at the end. As I was the main presenter, I was totally stressed out initally.

In the evening, I met with an ex-colleague, who is now a very dear friend, for dinner. He took me to a sushi/ sashimi place (I had sushi/ sashimi for dinner 2 nights in a row!!) and then to this charming but reeaaaaaally small (can only sit around 8 people) pub. I took some photos and will see how they turn out... will share them in my next post if they don't turn out too dark. I love, love, love that place so much, it's like a little hidden gem tucked away in a corner of nowhere. There is only one person working there, and he doubles as the waiter/ bartender. Sometimes when it isn't too busy, he plays the piano too! Cute guy but I couldn't really communicate with him and my friend told me that he's gay. Oh well... Sadly, I doubt I can find the way there myself in future!!

I am so looking forward to going home in another few hour's time. Totally missing Mark and Hershey. What I am NOT looking forward to is being stuck in economy class for the journey home (and I am not on the Airbus 380).

Got to start packing soon... I have been at it since last night but gave up halfway and went to bed because I ummm... couldn't fit everything back into my suitcase.

Tokyo Day 01

Just arrived in Tokyo about 3 hours ago and checked into my teeny weeny room for the next few days... I have not yet seen the sun here in the 'Land of the Rising Sun'. The weather is cool, drab and basically just gloomy. Quite a sudden change from the super hot and humid weather back home. Find it pretty interesting that I was wearing my bathing suit basking in the warm afternoon sunshine yesterday afternoon, and now I am wearing turtlenecks and jackets!!

The flight here wasn't too bad... my first time on A380 and I do like the product. Now I finally understand what the hype was about when it was first launched. Sadly I only managed to catch short, interrupted sleep during those 6 hours. I wanted to kick myself hard for not having a camera with me because at 5am, I woke up to the most beautiful sunrise. It was breathtaking and no words can be used to described that moment and do it justice. well if this is what Heaven looks like, then I am sure Lucas and Chloe are having a fun time there and occasionally peeking down at their parents from behind the fluffy clouds.

When Mark sent me to the airport last night, we kissed goodbye under the full moon (it being the last day of Chinese New Year meant that yesterday was the 15th of the lunar month, a time where the moon is at its fullest). I wonder if my Angels were also watching us from above... I have been away from Mark less than 12 hours, and I am already missing him like crazy. It feels weird doing things without him beside me.

Got to go and take a shower to freshen up before trying to find my way to the office.