An Almost Perfect Evening

We had a small barbeque party last evening and I only went to bed at around 1am. I haven't been sleeping well since Thursday night... (or is it Wednesday ??). Anyway, I was hoping that I could finally get into a deep slumber last night, especially since I had some beer and wine, which usually will work for me.

I did get some sleep last night, but a (weird) bad dream woke me up very early this morning... It's a strange dream actually. I dreamt that Mark was buying an expensive present (it was a Hi-Fi to be exact... Well, I did say it was a weird dream!!) for someone else's baby (why would a baby need a Hi-Fi??) and I was sad and crying about it because he was spending so much on another person's baby when we don't have a baby of our own. It's was an overpowering feeling of envy and jealousy, of anger and helplessness, of yearning and desperation. It was so real and so intense that I jolted awake with tears in my eyes. What a way to begin the day...

Last evening's BBQ was really enjoyable with the great company of some very close friends as well as Mark's brother (Dennis) and cousin. I like to host social gatherings with small groups of people as opposed to big parties because it is more cosy and everyone has a chance of actually talking and knowing one another better. I also learnt 2 new things yesterday:

1. I can marinate decent chicken wings based on the 'secret receipe' from Fion's mom... I have adored her chicken wings (and fried vermicelli) since I was 15 or 16. In my opnion, my chicken wings are still not as yummy as Fion's mom's, but considering that it's my first attempt, I am pleased with the results. Up next: Fried vermicelli --- The old cliche that 'the way to a man's heart is through is stomach', so I am hoping that if I can learn to cook some good food, it'd help me keep Mark's heart. (This may become crucial in future as I may have to resort to alternative means to keep his heart with me in case I can't give him/ us a baby.)
2. I can start a BBQ fire pretty well on my own. Previously Mark had always been the one tasked with this, but he was busy yesterday so I decided to give it a try. It's something that I had always wanted to do too because I LOVE the smell of burning charcoal. Am happy to annouce that my first attempt was a great success.

The food was surprisingly good and after most of the food was gone, it gradually became a drinking session (I think we had a lot more beer compared to food). The 'drinking' was not limited to alcohol. A friend's hubby and Fion were coerced into drinking packet chrysanthemum tea cos they didn't want anymore beer. Dennis introduced some silly 'shotgun' game which Mark played, and ended up with the contents of half a can of beer on himself (in case anyone is wondering, I/ Me/ Mrs Lee/ Shane does the laundry at home...).

I laughed... I had fun... these emotions feel a bit 'strange' now because they are not easy to come by anymore. What is more familiar to me now are tears and heartache. Someone asked what was the occasion for the BBQ, and I said that it is just because I liked barbequing. Actually the real reason is because sometime before we lost Chloe, Mark and I casually discussed about holding a BBQ to celebrate Chloe's arrival in October, and we can also celebrate our wedding anniversary at the same time. Although Chloe is now gone, I still wanted to do this for her, to let her know that she is on our minds.

** Chloe, thanks for giving mummy a wonderful evening... though it'd be perfect if you and Lucas were there with us too.