This is my 2nd post for today because I am now feeling very lost, very unhappy and extremely depressed... I need an 'outlet' to let off steam. It was all good initially... I went to the pool for a solid 2 hours from 12pm-2pm wearing my brand new swim suit, which felt comfy and allowed me to tan my super flabby and fair mid-section. It also allowed me to 'show off' the tattoo of my 2 Angels (although there was only me at the pool!!). I came home feeling relaxed and rejuvenated, albeit the slight ache in my arms and calves from all the swimming.
So why the sudden change? Well, I saw a friend's message on FB that her baby is due tomorrow. She was originally due in early Nov, but her doc decided to induce her. I got to know this friend (A) through our mutual love for our dogs, and to be honest, I haven't met her before. We have only communicated through FB, emails and SMS. It was by sheer coincidence that when A added me on FB early this year, she and I both found out that we were pregnant at around the same time. I was about 2 to 3 weeks further along than her.
As expected, we ended up as thick as thieves, sharing the progress of our respective pregnancies, the morning sickness during the first trimester, our purchases for our babies, tips on what to eat/ what not to eat, receipes for confinement food, etc. When we found out that we were both expecting girls, we got even more excited and we started discussing the names that we wanted, and gave each other our opinion on what names we thought were nice. I was then contemplating between a name that I'd always wanted, i.e. 'Chloe', or my other choice was 'Lucia' because of its link to 'Lucas'. She eventually picked the name 'Amanda' for her baby... which I think is beautiful.
At that time, we were both very excited that our due dates were so close, and we even discussed how fun it'd be for us to bring our daughters up together. Who knows they may even end up being best of friends. We also marvelled at the coincidence that in future, we'd both have young dogs to take care of (yes, our dogs are the almost the exact age too as they were both born in the month of April 08) on top of the new babies. Playdates with the babies AND doggies were also a common topic of discussion.
I feel utterly horrible that I am feeling sad after knowing that little Amanda will make her appearance tomorrow... I think I suck as a friend because of the way I am feeling. I feel so guilty for feeling this way... maybe I am really an evil person afterall. I do feel happy for A because she will get to meet her baby tomorrow and be able to hold her, kiss her and cuddle her tight, but somehow I cannot stop my own tears from flowing and I cannot stop that sharp aching sensation in my heart.
I guess I'll have to take on the painful task of buying yet another baby gift soon... But in a way, little Amanda will be 'special' to me because of the 'future' that her mom and I had envisioned for her and Chloe when they were still in our tummies. I only wish I had a closer friendship with A so that Amanda will be a part of my life in some way in future, and watching her grow up will be like watching Chloe.
The tears won't stop flowing... I resent the fact that while other people are joyously celebrating the birth of their baby, here I am grieving over the loss of mine. Why is life so unfair to me? What did I do to deserve this time and again? I do miss my babies so, and I wish that all this is a bad nightmare that I'd wake up from because I don't wish to live on like this anymore.
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