Hershey almost gave me a heart attack this morning. I fed her like on any other day and she ate her food with gusto because I added in some boiled carrots which she loves. After that I noticed her rather odd behaviour. She was sticking very close to me and kept looking up at me. When I was washing her bowl, she laid down on the mat that I placed under the sink and refused to budge even when I went into the room (she'd usually follow me). I felt something was amiss and offered her some of her favourite treats but she merely sniffed at them and continued to mope.

Less than 10 minutes after finishing her breakfast, she walked a few steps to the yard and threw it all back up. She was so weak that she just laid down next to her vomit. I checked her gums and they were deathly pale. That's when I knew something was seriously wrong with her. I even had to carry her into the bathroom with me as I took a quick shower before taking her to the vet because she refused to budge from the yard.

When we arrived at the vet, some of her color seem to have returned and she was somewhat back to her usual prissy self. For the first time ever, I was happy when she growled at another dog (a cute, large English Bulldog was trying to sniff her). The vet checked Hershey's gums and while they were still slightly pale, it was a big improvement from earlier. We spent some anxious moments waiting for the blood test results to be out.. I have read enough stories about dogs who have gone to the Rainbow Bridge after problems with their blood (tick fever, infections, etc) to know that it can go downhill pretty quickly. So much so that I managed to work myself into a state of panic.

Fortunately her blood test results (right) turned out fine, but we still have no inkling what caused the earlier episode. Since it is the first time this has happened, we were told to monitor her for the next fortnight and to bring her in immediately if it recurs. If it happens again (**knock on wood), they'll do an ECG to ensure that her heart function is normal.

Today I learnt one valuable lesson. I learnt that I love Hershey much more than I care to let on... I used to complain that she drives me up the wall and have even made remarks like I want to send her away. More than once (maybe more like on a weekly basis) Mark and I even joked that we wouldn't mind finding her a new home. However when I saw her lying listlessly next to her vomit, that familiar feeling of fear of losing someone/ something you love gripped my heart. The last time I had this feeling was when I held Chloe in my arms when she was breathing her last. That was a feeling of love, helplessness, fear and heartache all rolled into one. This was also when I knew the 'She-Devil on Four Paws' has managed to dig herself a place deep in my heart.

Oh and another clear indication of my love for her... I was so worried about her that I didn't even notice that I went out of the house without any make-up (very rare!!). When we were talking to the vet, Mark discreetly pointed to my face with a somewhat grossed out and stunned look. Apparently the weather plus all the running around made me break out in sweat, which resulted in my 'sweat rash' (yup, my own sweat causes an itchy, red rash) to break out in angry red blotches all over my face. There was nothing I could do except to fan myself to cool myself down. Thinking of it now, I think I looked like a Chinese opera singer gone wrong. Seriously.

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I love you Hershey-girl... Yes, yes, including your 'psycho-ness', 10.5 gigawatts of energy, Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD, diagnosed by yours truly), Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS, also diagnosed by yours truly), TV jumping, body slamming my bed when I am sleeping, resting your bum/nether region on my head/face when I am sleeping, barking for no reason in the middle of the night, fighting with me for more bed space, farting in my face, etc....

A Ruffled Mind Makes a Restless Pillow...

Oh dear... I had yet another bad night. I think it's almost been a week now that I haven't had a night of good, uninterrupted sleep. The frequency and type of dreams are becoming ridiculous really, and it's just so hard to go back to sleep after I've been jolted awake. And just when I manage to doze off (usually around 4am or 5am), Mark's alarm would go off and there'd be a flurry of activities in the room as he goes about to preparing for work. Of course there is also Hershey, who loves to pick that time of the day to act all sweet and cute. She laid ON me again this morning... here's the evidence.

After my previous post about my dreams of falling into a 'dark, gaping hole', Fion obviously went to do some 'research' and sent me the below. Most of it seem to be pretty accurate... perhaps except that last paragraph. **Fion, did you make it up to try and make me feel better?**

I truly, honestly do not have a solution to my own problems. I have known all along what' is really bothering me, and they are:

1. I want my 2 babies to be here with me but this is not possible, hence (cont'd in #2)
2. I want to go and be with my 2 babies but this is also impossible.
3. I am dying to find out the cause of my recurring miscarriages but the doctors can't seem to be able to tell, so (cont'd in #4)
4. Should I even plan for baby #3? What if my body kills another baby again?
5. If I don't try for baby #3, I am positive it's something that I'd live to regret forever... but will I be able to take another blow if I also end up losing baby #3?

I don't have answers to my questions, and I doubt anyone has the answers too. I do wish I can find myself a burrow to hide in, just for a little while until I sort out my thoughts and until I feel strong enough to face the world again.

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Dream Interpretation: Dreams are your thoughts and worries and concerns and fears of the day, being re-hashed and reorganized by your brain while you sleep. Dreams don't mean anything but what you were thinking about.

A hole is a tricky or difficult situation. A bottomless pit may seem our problems have no end. Like a tunnel without the light at the end. It can also mean the emptiness or hollowness we sometimes experience in our lives. Our not being in control of things. Like a black hole in space.

In Greek mythology there was a king destined for eternity to push a stone up a hill. When it reached the top, it rolled back down. And he had to start over again. Life is sometimes like that uphill battle - a slog, a struggle.

But a hole can also mean the opposite - being a place to hide. A refuge from danger or trouble. Like a mole or rabbit burrow.

Falling into or down a hole is being in touch with unconcious feelings, urges and fears. So maybe you have found a way to tackle what is troubling you. You might not realise at first though....

Chloe and Hershey

I deeply regret that I have not taken more photos of me/ my belly when I was still pregnant with Chloe. I never knew that I'd lose her after 6 short months. If I'd known, I definitely would have taken heaps of photos of my precious belly.

These are 2 of the much treasured photos that I took about 2 weeks before I miscarried Chloe (around week 22 of my pregnancy). They were taken on 2 separate days and I took the photos because I was amused by how Hershey laid on my belly while I was watching TV in bed. Hershey NEVER used to do it prior to me getting pregnant and I was really surprised when she first did that cos she has always been more attached to Mark than to me, and this rare display of affection was so unexpected. It surprised me enough to take photos of it. Now I am glad I did...

Previously, Mark and I always used to say to Hershey that she is now a 'big sister' to Chloe and that is Chloe's Guardian Angel, so she needs to protect and take care of her 'little sister'... I always found it so sweet when Hershey did that because it looked and felt as though she is 'bonding' with her little sister.

Sadly, Hershey has stopped laying on my belly ever since I lost Chloe... Well, she does come and lie down BESIDE me, but never on my belly anymore.. Do you think Hershey knows/ can sense that Chloe is no longer with us and that's why she's stopped laying on my belly? (Oh and Hershey's been 'sacked' from her Guardian Angel position for failing in her job).