My Resignation Letter (to God)

This morning when I checked my email, I recevied a forwarded email from an ex-client of mine... Thought I'd share it here cos I find it rather meaningful. Normally, I'd delete this type of forwarded mails without paying much attention to it, but part of the first sentence caught my attention i.e. 'I wanted to quit my life'. I chuckled sardonically when I read that... It was such a nice, objective and philosophical way of putting an otherwise very ugly truth into perspective!!

I wonder what I'd write in my own 'resignation letter' to God... Below is my attempt at my 'resignation letter to God'... It is modified from the resignation letter that I'd recently prepared for my boss at work.

Dear God,

Please accept this letter as my X months notice of resignation. My last day will be dd/mm/yy.

In view of the recent challenges that were presented to me, this honestly wasn't a very difficult decision to make. Nonetheless, I am immensely grateful for the 33 years of rewarding life I've had, although the latter part of those 33 years was pretty tough. I have enjoyed living under your professional guidance and appreciate all the support and opportunities (not the challenges though) that you have given to me.

As I near the end of my journey on the secular plane, I sincerely thank you for all the people, things and opportunities that you have blessed me with. Most of all, I thank you for giving me 2 Angels, both of whom I will be reuniting with once my journey here is finished.

This will be the gist of it, but it still needs some tweaking definitely.

Below is the extract of the email that I received.

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One day I decided to quit. I quit my job, my relationship, my spirituality...

I wanted to quit my life.

I went to the woods to have one last talk with God. "God", I asked, "Can you give me one good reason not to quit?"His answer surprised me..."Look around", He said. "Do you see the fern and the bamboo?" "Yes", I replied."When I planted the fern and the bamboo seeds, I took very good care of them. I gave them light. I gave them water. The fern quickly grew from the earth. Its brilliant green covered the floor. Yet nothing came from the bamboo seed. But I did not quit on the bamboo.

In the second year the Fern grew more vibrant and plentiful. And again, nothing came from the bamboo seed. But I did not quit on the bamboo. He said."In year three there was still nothing from the bamboo seed. But I would not quit. In year four, again, there was nothing from the bamboo seed. I would not quit." He said.

"Then in the fifth year a tiny sprout emerged from the earth. Compared to the fern it was seemingly small and insignificant... But just 6 months later the bamboo rose to over 100 feet tall. It had spent the five years growing roots. Those roots made it strong and gave it what it needed to survive. I would not give any of my creations a challenge it could not handle."

He asked me, "Did you know, my child, that all this time you have been struggling, you have actually been growing roots". "I would not quit on the bamboo. I will never quit on you.""Don't compare yourself to others." He said. "The bamboo had a different Purpose than the fern. Yet they both make the forest beautiful.""Your time will come", God said to me. "You will rise high"

"How high should I rise?" I asked."How high will the bamboo rise?" He asked in return."As high as it can?" I questioned."Yes." He said, "Give me glory by rising as high as you can." I left the forest and brought back this story. I hope these words can help you see that God will never give up on you.

I came across an article in the supplementary section of today's newspaper... In 'Mind Your Body', there is a short write-up on 'Men too suffer miscarriage blues'. In summary, a group of researchers from Hong Kong did a study on the impact of miscarriages on men after their partner suffers a miscarriage.

The article goes on to explain that 'while it was previously thought that miscarriages did not affect men much because they did not bond with their unborn children, investigators have reported that men also report feelings of loss, sadness and helplessless. They do, however, appear to recover more quickly than women.' The study also found that men were more likely to be optimistic about the possibility of future pregnancies than women.

On the part where the study concluded that 'men appear to recover more quickly than women', I am doubtful... They should see how my poor husband still sheds tears for our two Angels, even until today. They should see the effort he made in getting those pink roses for Chloe on her anniversary while I was out of town. They should hear how he says 'good night' to Lucas and Chloe every night.

Resigned to reality, yes... Recovered? No, not yet.

What's wrong?

I had assumed that all the travelling and hectic work schedule in the past month had created havoc and messed up my system, which resulted in me missing my period. Well, it is puzzling me now because I still have not got my period after completing the course of medication, but neither am I pregnant (sadly). Previously, the medication used to take no more than 2 days to take effect, but strangely, today is already day #4 and there is no sign of anything happening. To make things worse, I am stacking on the kilos to the extent that even Mark noticed.

So what's wrong (or rather, what's right)??

It's not my birthday yet, at least not for another week but I have received my first (and second) birthday presents already! They are from my little sister who knew how much I liked the stuff from Willow Tree.

There were 5 individually and identically wrapped packages in total, and I was permitted to unwrap 2 of them. The other 3 I will only open on the actual day. So far I am loving what I have received... another 2 to add on to my small, but growing collection!!

This figurine of a mother holding her swaddled up infant is called 'Angel of Mine'.

The second one is of small child reaching up to hug his mother. It is called 'Child's Touch'. This particular figurine made me think of Lucas, and I cannot stop myself from stroking the little boy's head.

I am really excited what other surprises await me behind the remaining 3 packages and am counting down excitedly...

Yesterday morning, Mark and I went out to have our breakfast and at the same time do some banking as well as grocery shopping. It was an otherwise routine and uneventful day when a familiar melody stopped me in my tracks. It was 'Chloe's song' playing in one of the shops!

It may seem silly but I felt that it was Chloe letting me know that she's with me.

I came out of the shower to see Mark with his eyes red and tears forming. To see my husband in this state is really not a nice feeling because he is usually the strong and happy-go-lucky one. He came over to hug me and whispered to me that he misses Chloe.

I know darling, I know... cos I miss her too.

Mimosa

Yesterday evening, I saw a father and son standing in the middle of a grass patch... The father was squatting next to his son, and they seem to be entranced by something on the ground. As the gap between us closed, I realized what they were doing. The father was showing his little boy the mimosa plant, and how the leaves fold up when touched. The little boy was poking his fingers at the plants and he laughed gleefully when the leaves closed up upon his touch.

Insignificant as this may seem, but this brought back memories of my own childhood when my dad 'introduced' me to the mimosa. Can't exactly remember where it was, but I am sure dad was the one who showed me how 'fun' it was to 'play' with this plant (some people may refer it as a weed). Now that I am (a lot) older, I still find myself unconsciously touching the mimosa with my fingers or toes whenever I see them... I guess it is a part of my childhood, and an unique experience that I shared with dad. It is something that I'd probably have clean forgotten about if not for the chance encounter yesterday.

Then it got me wondering... Will I ever get the chance to do the same with my child?

I was expecting to get my period around the 9th or 10th of July, but there are no signs of it till now. Naively, I thought there may be a chance that I'd be able to surprise Mark on his birthday with a positive result. That'd be the best birthday present that I can give to him (and me). In my mind, I had already planned how I was going to break the news to him during his birthday celebration. However, 3 pregnancy tests later, all with the same negative result, there's no such chance.

The disappointment was hard to accept cos I was pinning a lot of hopes on it. Sigh...

Happy Birthday to my Other Half

I was too busy to blog during the week due to work, and the weekend was even busier with Mark's birthday celebration that spans over 2 days. I didn't have time to get him any birthday present, instead, I took him for a nice stay in a hotel. The extra 'bonus' was that as it coincided with the National Day rehearsals, we were lucky to be able to catch the fireworks display right in front of our room balcony!!

We had a sumptuous dinner in the room... complete with foie gras, wagyu beef!!

The hotel also has the loveliest flowers... one of my favourites in fact... Hydrangeas!!! I didn't know they came in white, and I think they are gorgeous, simple and understated. I told Mark that these are the flowers that I'd like to be used at my funeral. Seriously.

* * * * * * * * *

It was an 'almost perfect' weekend/ birthday celebration according to Mark... It'd be perfect only if we were celebrating as a family rather than as a couple.

Mark broke the news to me this morning over breakfast that one of our friend's wife is expecting again... I say 'again' because they just had a baby last May. Their #2 is due this October. Mark said that his friends had kept it from us because they didn't want me to be sad, but there's no choice that they have to tell us now because we invited them over to our place for Mark's mini birthday dinner celebration tomorrow.

I do appreciate their thoughtfulness and sensitivity... and I am happy for them. But I don't deny that once again, I am asking myself 'Why?'. Why not me? Why did I lose Lucas and Chloe? Why aren't I pregnant yet?

I tried to knock some sense into myself and make myself feel better reminding myself of what I have and to count my blessings. Truly I did try, but it only succeed in making me feel worse.

'When grief gets too much...' --- Coping with Loss

I came across an article in today's papers called 'When grief gets too much'... Well, there's no way I could've missed it because it is right on the front page, and it's a tragic story that had caught my attention days ago.

I can relate to so many parts of the article, but the part that was especially poignant and hit the nail on the head was this - 'People need answers in order to get closure and move on after grieving. If it's difficult to get closure, it can be very hard to come to terms with the loss.' Till today, I am still searching for the 'answer' as to why my babies were suddenly taken away from me to become angels.

I wish that someone had written this article 6 months ago, cos it'd have helped to make sense of things then. The article stated that 'grief is most intense at between three and six months after the death, when reality sinks in.' The darkest, bleakest time after losing Chloe was exactly at this time, three months after we lost her. This was somewhat unexpected because this is the time where people around me begin to think that the worst had passed and I should've been on my way to recovery... I thought so too.

Not many people have realized it, probably except Mark, but the period between September to December 2009 was indeed the toughest and most depressing period that I have ever experienced in my 30-something years. Looking back, I am amazed that I have 'survived' it and emerged rather unscathed, and at the same time, I pray I will never have to feel this way again in my life because honestly, I am not sure if I can deal with it and come out alive at the end. Once is one time too many.

Last but not least, grieving folks 'need the love and support of family and friends, who will let them heal at their own pace.' As I try and fumble my way out of this abyss, I do not ask for unsolicited advice, and I do not need harsh words or a talking-to. All I ask for from the people around me is just a little patience, a listening ear and/ or a shoulder to cry on. Hope that's not too much to ask for?

I found this image of the 'Angel of Grief'... I never knew something like this even existed, how fitting it is for this entry.

Someone sent me this the other day... Yes, it's true that what I want is not always what I need, but nonetheless, what I want is still what I want.

.... ranting....

Today is one of the busiest, stressful and most highly antagonizing day at work. I think I am begining to let my frustrations show (to colleagues and client alike), and honestly, I don't really give two hoots anymore. The client is pissing me off B.I.G time with more earth-shattering unreasonable requests.

If I yield to the client's request, the client will be happy with me but my poor long-suffering colleagues in the frontline to have to take the brunt of everything... If I push back and don't give in to the client's request, the client gets all edgy with me and gives me a hard time. Oh yes, and out of the 1001 tasks assigned to me, 999 are 'urgent'.

Come Monday, part of the project that I have been working on is going 'live', and I am certain I'd have more sleepless nights and stress-filled days.

Seriously, this cannot be good for my health right? Can't wait to see an 'end' to this... my boss will be coming to town in 2 weeks time, I guess it's time for some serious closed-door discussion.

I finally did it... never thought I have the guts to, but yes, I told my boss that I had enough and I want to call it quits (it is with Mark's blessings of course). I have been with the company for over 9 years now, and have been working in my current position for at least 6 years. I have been feeling frustrated, annoyed and unhappy with my job for at least 6 months. The client that I have been looking after for the last 5 years is driving me mad with their incessant unreasonable requests... My motto towards my clients has always been - 'It is ok to be demanding, but it is not ok to be unreasonable'. When I started to lose my patience in front of the client, I know it's a sure sign that I have been pushed to the end of my tether.

While I had been thinking/ talking about quitting for some time, I guess the straw that broke the camel's back was because last week, while I was sick on medical leave, the client asked me if I could continue to check my email regularly, this despite the fact that I told her I desperately needed the much needed rest after my whirlwind trip around the world. Oh yes, and I had to take 2 conference calls on that day even though I was feeling real lousy. It seriously made me feel like crap.

I personally feel that I have given enough to the company and the client, and the client being the client, is never going to appreciate my efforts no matter how much I do. A number of people who had just began working with me on a project for this client actually asked me how I managed to hang in there for 5 years... they have had enough of the client after a few months of working with them! Well, if I don't break the cycle, the client is just going to continue to take and take, and I will continue the endless cycle of giving and giving.

Who knows if had I realized this earlier, my life wouldn't be in the mess as it is now. Who knows if I had been less workaholic during my pregnancies, I might not have lost Lucas and Chloe. I feel that there's also a lot of resentment now because I feel that I have given up so much in exchange for naught.

Anyway, I am pleased with what I did, and after speaking to my boss, I felt that a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

1111

It seems rather odd, but I have started seeing 111 or 1111 a lot in the past few months without looking out for it intentionally. I keep reminding myself that it is just purely coincidental, but it's happening at a regularity which I find pretty absurd (at least 2-3 times a week). Most often, it is on the clock, either 11:11 or 1:11... but I have also spotted them on car license plate, receipts, etc.

I have read something about such signs from one of the many Angel books that I have browsed at Kinokuniya, but couldn't remember exactly what it meant. This afternoon I looked at the clock on my laptop and it was '1:11'... Almost immediately after that, I saw a Facebook message posted by a friend that says that he is also experiencing the whole '1111' syndrome!! Thought this is too much of a coincidence, so I went to Google (what's new??) it up.

Here's what my search uncovered:

'Whenever you see the sequence 111 or 1111 show up, it is a great sign of a golden opportunity. Both sequences mean that a "doorway" has opened up in which your intentions and goals will manifest extremely quickly. The Angels have taught me to focus my thoughts and intentions whenever I see 111 or 1111, almost like making a wish when a cake with candles is presented to you.'

If what it says is true, I am eagerly anticipating for my 'golden opportunity' to come and for my goals to manifest asap.

A Pair of Cherubs

My sis gave me 2 cherub figurines to add to my growing collection. The position that they are in looks mighty uncomfortable, but the expressions on their faces tell a different story!! Cannot get enough of their cute, happy and contented faces... hoping that my 2 Angels are just as happy and contented (I omitted the 'cute' part because in my heart, I already know that they are cute).

June is O.V.E.R

Yes, it is hard to believe, but I survived yet another month of June, and am still alive and in one piece!! I didn't even realise that it's already 01 July if not for the email that Mark sent me in the morning. In his email, he 'congratulated' us on getting through this month without any major cuts, scrapes and bruises. While I did also shed a lot of tears in June 2010, it is nothing compared to the amount that I shed in June 2008 and June 2009.

Although I dreaded all the business trips, it did in a way help to make time pass faster, and the trips are also a form of 'distraction' on those 2 crucial days. I glad really glad that June is over, and we are at the 2nd half of 2010. Hoping fervently that I will get the good news that I want in the next few months.