Countdown to Chloe's EDD --- 3 days to go

You may think I am losing my mind, and maybe you are right, I am losing most of my sanity. The life coach whom I met with once a number of weeks back had been sending me emails periodically just to check on how I am and how I was feeling. I am quite touched actually cos he is doing all these for free. I received an email from him last week, asking for my permission for him to 'connect' with the souls of Lucas and Chloe.

I didn't see any harm in it, and in fact, I was quite intrigued and interested on what he'd uncover, so I agreed. Here's what he came back to me with:

Connected on: 5th Oct 2009.

Time: 11.28 p.m. to 12.08 a.m.

What transpired: They are still earth bound - meaning they are still with you due to your missing them. They are ok and that you need not worry about them.They love you as much as you and your husband love them. They ask you to be patient and to take care of yourself.

Both are there with you but Chloe's presence is much more prominent and consistant. Perhaps because she is more recent than Lucas. Nevertheless they are there.

In the past, I have tried to connect/ feel their presence myself, but somehow I have never succeeded. Honestly, I don't even dream of them. Was it because I was trying too hard? I think the only time I feel 'close' to them is when I am swimming. When I am underwater, where it is all still and quiet, I quite often catch shadows/ movements on both my sides and feel a presence, especially at times when I have the whole pool to myself. It is not the spooky kind of presence, but something that is calming and soothing. Of course when I turn to look, there's nothing there beside me... only a vast nothingness.

Most likely, it is only a figment of my overactive imagination, but I'd like to imagine that it is really Lucas and Chloe joining their mummy for a swim. If only I were given the chance, I'd have loved to buy them cute floaties, teach them how to swim and to play with them on the water slides. Perhaps that's the underlying reason why I am so keen to go swimming these days...

From the results of the 'connection', I am thrilled that my babies are here with me, only that I can't see/ hear/ feel/ sense them. It also feels comforting to know that they both know how much they are being loved. On the other hand, I can't help but wonder if I am holding them back and delaying them from going onto their next 'destination'.

Can I just be selfish for this once? Can I just be with them for a wee bit longer?