Adieu 2011... Hello 2012

We are only a day away from the end of this year and the start of another year. Seriously having mixed emotions for the past few days... While there's nothing I can do to stop time, I really don't want 2011 to come to an end because for me (and Mark), it had been one wonderful year, a year which we will never forget.

As we bid adieu to 2011, I can only hope that 2012 will be a great year for us like 2011 had been (yup, I am greedy!). I am looking forward to a year of watching my son grow up; his first crawl, his first step, his first word (which I am hoping will be "mummy"!!) or perhaps plan for a little brother or sister for little bun even??!

Thank you, 2011, for giving us a wonderful gift and truly blessed year!!

Little Bun's 1st Christmas

Little bun received a number of very cute Christmas outfits and we ensured that he had a chance to wear all of them! It was like a mini fashion show. He was, however, rather grouchy on Christmas day so Mark commented that we should have gotten him green outfits with the words 'Christmas Grinch' instead!!

From Auntie Fion who bought them in Canada

From Uncle Kent & Auntie Karyn (and soon-to-arrive Baby Christian)

Romper and socks bought by Daddy!!

Merry Christmas 2011

After 3 years of very miserable Christmases, there is finally a reason for us to smile this Christmas. While it is still not 'picture perfect' because it is missing my Angels, having little bun here soothes some of the old wounds.

I can still barely believe little bun is here and he is ours, yes, OURS! I am still coming to terms with the fact that I, the epic failure of a woman and mother, had managed to carry him to term. I gave birth to this little fella who had since brought so much joy (and sleepless nights) into my life). I still stare at him in disbelief and wonderment... sometimes I have to pinch myself to assure myself this is not a dream (and if this is a dream, please don't wake me up).

This year, Mark and I can finally put the 'merry' back in 'Merry Christmas' and the 'happy' back in 'Happy New Year.

Merry Christmas Darling (s)

This time last year, I dedicated this song to my Angels. This song was playing in a shop while I was out for some last minute Christmas shopping and it made me stop whatever I was doing... suddenly felt my heart constrict and tears welling up in my eyes. *sigh*

I miss my Angels so much, and wherever they are, I hope they are missing me too... Merry Christmas, my darlings. I love you soooooo much.

Little bun loves his daddy!

I bought this romper from Gap as a gift to Mark a mere 2 days before little bun arrived. Of course at that time, I didn't know that little bun would be arriving quite so soon. It's still a bit too big for little bun now cos the size I bought is for 3-6 months... guess I just couldn't see him wear it!!

Pressies for Dr Anu

Cracked my brain thinking of what I should get for Dr Anu this Christmas.. I mean, what do you give the person who gave you back your life and who gave you the most priceless gift you had been dying to have?

Last year, I gave her a pair of tealight candle holders, one with the word 'Hope' and the other with the word 'Joy'. I first got them for myself and ended up getting another pair for Dr Anu cos I love their 'hidden meanings'. I gave them to Dr Anu along with a card that I had written the following "In your career, you have given many couples 'hope' and subsequently 'joy'... I hope that Mark and I will be one of those lucky couples next year!". She thanked me for the gift and told me she loved them (coincidentally she likes and also collects candles/candle holders)... She also said that she had displayed them in her house, but will only light them up AFTER she help us get what we want.

One year later, little did I expect that what I'd written in her Christmas card had come true! A few days after I delivered little bun, she told me that she'd be lighting up the 2 candles this Christmas because we have achieved what we wanted! I was surprised and touched that she still remembered what she'd said a year ago.

I ended up getting her a Precious Moments figurine as a token of our gratitude and appreciation in everything she'd done for me/us. I also framed the photo we took together and gave it to her. Whatever I give her can never compare to what she'd given me... she gave me my much longed for baby; she gave Mark and I our lives back; she gave me motherhood.

Mark and little bun joined me for my final appointment with her last week where I handed her the presents. We ended up chatting for quite a bit before we left and she told me taking care of me was a pleasure and it was a humbling experience for her as a medical professional. Dr Anu also encouraged us to try for baby #2 soon, preferably next year (she said that based on experience, sometimes the body may 'reset' itself after a successful pregnancy)!! I am not as optimistic as she is because with my PCOS, I think it is very unlikely that I can get pregnant without medical intervention. I told her she'd be the first person to know if we decide (or if I can convince Mark) to give little bun a little brother or sister.

While I have no regrets whatsoever, having little bun had burnt a laaaaaarge hole in our finances and we need time to rebuild it before we even dare to embark on the journey once again. But with that said, I am already excited at the prospects of the possibility of having another baby... I really do love being pregnant and I love motherhood! I know I may be greedy and asking for too much, but I just have a nagging feeling at the back of my head that tells me I am not done yet.

I think I am suffering from 'Dr Anu Withdrawal Symptoms'.. feels very unsettling to not see her every week or get her SMS. (Oh and not seeing her also means I won't get to see my Dr T anymore.. alas...)

A Final Walk Down Memory Lane...

I finally got my act together and organised the long overdue 'thank you' cookies meant for the doctors and nurses who took such good care of me before, during and after my pregnancy. I have been meaning to do it much earlier but little bun had kept me so busy that this got postponed (and postponed).

We ordered 6 dozen large cookies (or message lollies as they are called) with a customized message and personally delivered them to the doctors and nurses at the Fertility Clinic, Fetal Care Centre (the place where my weekly scans were done), the IVIG clinic, the Delivery Suite as well as the Women's Clinic (the place where I see Dr Anu). It is, in a way, 'my final walk down memory lane' (or more aptly, 'my final walk down the hospital corridors'.. ok let's leave it as memory lane cos it sounds less morbid).

Mark and I brought little bun along for the trip cos he is a 'mini-celebrity' at all those places and many were eager to see him as they personally witnessed my rather eventful pregnancy. We went to all those clinics which have by now become so familiar, and they hold bittersweet memories when I look back at my journey. I am going to miss those places and the people I have met during my journey towards motherhood. I can't tell them enough how grateful I am because although they are doing their jobs, many of them have gone above and beyond that. I feel very blessed that I had them during that period of my life.

Nosey (and greedy) Hershey sniffing things out.

This visit draws to a close a very eventful, exciting and memorable chapter of my life, one which I don't ever want to forget. While we were at the Delivery Suite, my parting words to the doctors and nurses there were "I will see you in one year's time", which drew much laughter and words of encouragement from the doctors and nurses, but a wry look from my husband.

"A smile takes but a moment, but the memory of it lasts forever"

Little bun is 8 weeks old today!!

To 'mark the occasion', he bestowed on me his first real smile this morning - a gummy, pink grin! According to literature, babies can only really start interacting at around 7-8 weeks old. Any 'smiles' before this is largely a reflex (much like sucking or crying) or caused by stomach gas. He was in an unusually good mood this morning after waking up and the both of us spent close to 45 minutes 'playing' and bonding. Mummy and son time!!

I've noticed that in the past 2 days, he'd become more aware of his surroundings and is reacting more to us when we talk/sing to him. He'd gaze at us and/or babble cute baby noises. He had also discovered his new favourite sleeping spot, i.e. on my chest as I recline in bed or on the couch with his head tucked under my chin. What a great feeling it is to feel his little body rise and fall in tune to his breathing, and that position allows me to sniff his head for that unique baby scent which I adore.

Little Bun's 1st Vaccination

My poor little bun had his first "6 in 1" vaccination on Friday, and I think it pained me more than it pained him when the nurses gave him the 2 jabs on his little thighs. He screamed his little lungs out until no sound came out, and his tiny face quickly turned into a bright, crimson shade in the split of a second. I could only cuddle him tightly into my chest and watch on. I know these injections are for good for him, blah..blah..blah.. but it still doesn't stop me from feeling like the worst mother in the world for subjecting him to the torture, and could only watch on helplessly as my baby is in pain. (Along with his cries, the only other sound I heard was the one ringing in my head that went "baaaaad mamaaaaaa").

As expected, the vaccinations had a side effect - fever. Late Friday night, some 12 hours after the jab was administered, little bun ran a temperature and was lethargic. We gave him paracetamol, put a cold towel on his forehead and then rocked him to sleep.

Unfortunately, the fever persisted for another day and Mark and I had a little "hot cross bun" in our hands. He was feverish and grouchy for most part of Saturday and only started being back to his usual self in the later part of Sunday.

The second round of vaccination is scheduled for Feb 2012. I am trying to convince Mark that it's his turn to take little bun there cos I am 'traumatized' by the experience.

Happy 3rd Birthday to Big Brother Lucas

Darling Lucas,

If you are here with us, today would have been your 3rd birthday. Here's wishing our sweet boy a Happy 3rd Birthday. Wherever you may be, I hope you can feel the love that daddy and mummy are sending your way. I am blowing you a kiss and hope you can receive it.

Whenever I look at your new little brother, I wonder if the both of you look alike and enjoy/dislike the same things. Those eyes that I gaze adoringly into, is that how your eyes look like too? Those chubby cheeks that I kiss everyday, do you have chubby cheeks too? The cute ear lobes that I mindlessly fondle whenever I am nursing Kyran, would you have liked that feeling too? The sweet baby scent that I love to inhale, is that how you would've smelled like too? Your little brother loves being carried in our arms before he'd fall asleep, is that how you'd have liked it too?

Pining for the little stranger of whom I was robbed of the chance to get to know; Missing what could have been a wonderful future together; Loving you, my precious firstborn child.

Lots of Love & Kisses Today and Everyday,

Daddy & Mummy

(and your little brother too)

Little Bun is 7 Weeks Old!!

My little bun is 7 weeks old today! It feels like he's been here all my life, but looking back, it's only a mere 7 weeks. Our little family is settling into a brand new routine with the addition of the newest arrival, even our poor dogs' routine had been affected. Poor Hershey is still rather bewildered by the tiny bundle which we brought home 7 weeks ago which sleeps a lot, needs to be carried around and sometimes makes the most scary loud noises (crying!!). She is rather obsessed with wanting to lick him, especially on his face and little feet. It totally freaks my mom and aunt out big time (fear that she'll nip him and fear of 'germs'). For the former, I'm fairly confident it won't happen cos Hershey is a little pussycat and she does like children and is very gentle with them based on her previous interaction with kids. As for the latter, I told my mom germs or no germs, it's something we will have to get used to sooner or later cos little bun will be growing up in an environment with dogs so it's just a matter of time we expose him to dog saliva/fur.

Like Hershey, my little 'senior citizen', Huskee, is equally puzzled by little bun and wants nothing much to do with him, but I've caught him sneaking little bun a few kisses when he thinks no one is looking! However I try not to force Huskee too much cos I don't want to stress him out. Moreover, Huskee has never been very sociable or comfortable with anything new (and loud). Guess I'll let him get used to little bun at his own pace.

Little bun has changed a lot ever since we first brought him home.. He's literally growing up and changing right before my eyes. Here's a comparison of the photo of him as a newborn and another photo of him taken today.

I had a sudden realization last night! This is the longest time I haven't had a needle poked into me! Clearly, I didn't miss it one tiny bit. Thinking back, the last time I was poked was during the delivery of little bun (epidural, the drip plug, etc) and then nothing else thereafter. Feels so darn good not to have a permanently bruised tummy and/or wrists (where they usually draw my blood from). Best of all, I don't have to go through the pain of needle pricks 3 times a day with the insulin (2x) and my nightly dose of Clexane (which is the root cause to all my nasty bruises on the tummy).

This Wednesday though, I won't be able to avoid being poked cos I'd have to do a blood test. I will be going for round 2 of my Glucose Tolerance Test (GTT) to ascertain if my diabetes is caused by pregnancy or if it is a pre-existing condition that is not pregnancy induced. Hopefully if it is the former (**crossing fingers**), then it should have cleared-up by now (i.e 6 weeks post delivery). If it's the latter (**knocking on wood**), then I am royally screwed.

Energizer Bunny

I have been told that babies sleep a lot, in fact, they sleep between 16-18 hours per day. However from my observation and experience, this is certainly NOT the case with little bun. My little Energizer Bunny can go without sleep for stretches of 4-5 hours straight... Unfortunately, his mummy and daddy are not powered by Energizer. We are begining to feel the effects of the lack of sleep and are walking around like zombies. **yawn**

Presents Galore!!

This is little bun's loot from his full month celebration yesterday... In my 34 years, I have never received so many presents before, fancy receiving so many presents when he is only a little over a month old! Little bun is indeed a 'lucky bun'!!

I still haven't gotten around to opening the presents cos I was worn out from all the activities. Totally drained but feeling very happy at the same time... felt great to catch up with many old (and close) friends. Just wished there was enough time to properly catch up with each and everyone since I basically did a 'disappearing act' for almost a year. So much to share but so little time!

I can really feel the happiness and joy that my friends felt for us... all the people whom we invited over yesterday were family and close friends, so all of them knew of our rocky journey towards parenthood. I lost count of the number of people who told me how happy they are for us, and my reply to them was that I feel very blessed. I don't know how it happened, but someone up there/ out there was definitely looking after little bun.

Thankfully little bun was well-behaved throughout his party (i.e. didn't cry much) cos he'd been rather cranky lately. He's always wanting to be held or to be fed and refuses to sleep (it's good for us when he is asleep cos it means we can do our own things!!). But as he gets bigger, he is sleeping lesser and demanding more attention.

Well, since he's sound asleep now, I'd better open up all his presents...

Lucky Bun

Have been busy preparing for little bun's (belated) full month celebration aka baby shower this Sunday. It was supposed to be last weekend but Mark's sister's flights were already booked for this week, hence we delayed it for a week. We were initially planning to keep it small and restricted to family and very close friends, but somehow we ended up with a guest list of over **ahem** 70pax (and this is after numerous rounds of trimming down the list). Family members only account for less than a third of the total headcount!! Being the recluse and hermits we are, Mark and I have more 'close friends' than we thought, which is a rather good thing!!

The only regret I have is I cannot invite my 'doggie friends' (who are all based overseas). There are sooooo many of them whom I'd love to meet in person and give a big hug to cos although we are miles apart, they have given me a lot of encouragement and support through my years of pregnancy losses, infertility and subsequent successful pregnancy. Many of them even sent presents to little bun ever since his arrival a month ago. I feel truly feel blessed to know this lovely group of people (and their dogs), their friendship and kindness to me is humbling. People always say you have to beware of who you meet on the internet, but for me, this particular group of people have proven this warning wrong. They are folks whom I have never met (or even spoken to), but are a lot nicer than some of the 'friends' I have.

Some photos of little bun and the presents that he'd received from my friends overseas... he is one very lucky and pampered bun indeed!! (I have been advised there are even more presents that are on the way!!)

From my favourite country, Australia -

Brooke Lee (I hope you are reading this..)

Thank you, dear friend for 'walking' this journey with me.

Your friendship means a lot to Mark & I.

From Holland

From the US -

We were overwhelmed by the generosity of the sender..

The presents arrived in 2 HUGE boxes!!

From Scotland

Low Battery Alert

Slightly more than one month after we brought little bun home, my energy level (Mark's too) is running very low. For the past month, I have taken over the 'midnight shift' to take care of little bun on my own without any help, but over the past weekend, I caved in and had my mom stay over for 2 nights. Have since realised that this doesn't really help much cos I still have to get up a few times through the night to feed him.

Little bun was cranky the whole of yesterday afternoon till evening and by nighttime I was so totally exhausted. Mark took over holding little bun right after dinner while I took a power nap till my shift at midnight. I promptly fell asleep the moment my head hit the pillow (only realized this morning that I kinda forgot to brush my teeth)! Ughhh!!

Little Bun is 1 Month Old!!

Somewhere between singing endless lullabies, feeding and burping, diaper changing and gazing adoringly at the face of my little bun, one whole month had flown by and my darling pride and joy is now a month old! This also means that Mark and I survived the first month of being new parents... and I am proud to announce that I made it through one solid month without a night of uninterrupted sleep. Frankly, I do miss having a good night's sleep (for me, sleep ranks #1 on my 'Maslow hierarchy of needs', followed by shopping.. Oh right, shopping is not a basic need).

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Happy 1 Month Old, little bun!! It's such joy watching you grow before my eyes. I love waking up with you beside me every day, I adore sniffing your unique (sometimes ummm... funky) baby scent and I cannot get enough of listening to all the funny gurgling/mewing/grunting sounds that you make.

Little Bun's 1st Phone Call

In the list of little bun's 'first things', this is one which I certainly didn't expect to come this early. Yesterday afternoon, I received a call asking to speak to Kyran.. Yes, my 3.5 weeks old son has someone calling to ask for him!! I didn't know how to react at all and just kept stupidly quiet (probably too stunned) until I heard peels of laughter on the line. The call was from the 2 nurses from the IVIG clinic and they were calling to see how I was doing and also check to see how little bun was. I thought it was really so sweet of them. They have been going above and beyond their duty as nurses and have been so thoughtful and kind to me/us! We chatted and I updated them on little bun's development... they also relayed a message from the haematology doctor (Dr Vasoo) that she wants to see little bun before she goes away on long leave until Jan 2012. The nurses reminded me that if I ever brought little bun for his next appointment with the pediatrician, I must bring him over to say 'hi' cos they want to see him.

Little bun is also one of Dr Vasoo's 'success stories' as much as he is Dr Anu's. IVIG is still a very new and groundbreaking treatment in Singapore, and its effectiveness is controversial, especially since its cost is so high. The hospital that I went to is one of the few (if not the only one) hospitals in Singapore that offers this treatment and doctors from other hospitals have been seeking treatment there too. Before the birth of little bun, I had also agreed to be participate in a research on this subject that Dr Vasoo is conducting by 'donating' my placenta for the study. Mark and I don't know if IVIG is what helped me carry little bun to full term, and no one, even the doctors, would ever be able to confirm it.

Mark puts it across in a way that I totally concur with... in our case, it is not the journey that matters but the end result i.e. it doesn't matter how we get there, but the crux is that at the end of the day, little bun is here with us. And in order to achieve this, we have A LOT of people to thank.

Names.. Names... Names.... (Part III)

So how did Mark and I eventually decide and agree on the name for little bun (and no, it's not Lee-Tle-Bun as I had originally feared)? I have always liked the name 'Keiron' but didn't really fancy the meaning (it means 'little dark one'). One day while I was mindlessly searching through another long list of names (yup, I have gone through countless websites and have looked not just at English names, but also French, Welsh, Scottish, Hebrew, Japanese, Greek, Hindu, Latin... you name it, I have gone through it). I came across 'Kiran', which in Hindu and Sanskrit means 'a ray of light', and it has a variation - 'Kyran'. I liked it immediately since phonetically, it sounds exactly the same as 'Keiron' and also because of the following contributing factors:

• Dr Anu is Indian and this is partly a 'tribute' to her. Without her help and dedication, Kyran wouldn't be here today.
• The meaning of Kiran/Kyran i.e. 'ray of light', has an almost similar meaning to 'Lucas', which means 'light'. I like the idea that my 2 boys' names are somewhat linked.
• Originally the date that we planned to deliver little bun was very close to the India festival Deepavali, popularly known as 'Festival of Lights'.
• There is a 'money bag' i.e. 'y' in Kyran' (heehee...).

So, this is how we settled on 'Kyran'. Another name I like is 'Zachary' but Mark doesn't seem to fancy it much. He said it's a bit too biblical, which is precisely why I like it. The meaning of Zachary is 'God remembers', and in a way, it's rather fitting in our case. I am not religious.. possibly an atheist to a certain degree even, but strangely, I did feel very 'abandoned' by God when I lost Lucas and Chloe. The period when I had depression was also a long, dark and deserted journey. Now that we have been blessed with Kyran, it's a sign that God didn't forget about me like I had thought. I also like the short form of Zachary.. Zac sounds very macho, no??

Anyway, now that we have named little bun 'Kyran', I can't imagine him being named anything else. It seems to 'fit' him too, though he does have a couple of other nicknames. My mom calls him 'Kai Kai' (part of little bun's Chinese name). I call/refer to him as 'little bun' mostly and Mark has been calling him his 'champion' since the day little bun was born. Every evening after Mark returns home from work, the first thing he does (after washing his hands) is to come into little bun's room to check on him. I love hearing the pride and gentleness in Mark's voice when he asks little bun "Hey, so how's my champion doing today?".

Mark did a very sweet thing a week after little bun was born. He made me this card and I was so moved. It still brings tears to my eyes everytime I look at the card. Somehow gives me comfort in knowing that our Angels will forever be a part of our lives, and little bun's too. They may not be physically here with us, but they live forever in our hearts. It's also nice to think that they are watching over little bun.

I hope that one day when little bun is old enough, I'd be able to tell him about his angel siblings and why his daddy and mummy have got matching tattoos on their backs. I also hope for little bun to know that it is partly because of them that made it possible for him to be here with us today.

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My Darling Angels,

I miss you so much, I love you so much, and my heart still aches and pines for you.

Love,

Mummy

Little Bun is 3 Weeks Old!!

Little bun is 3 weeks old today!!

He is really growing bigger and stronger right before my eyes. I have been taking photos of him daily and when I look at the photos of him that were taken when he was born, he already looks pretty different! One big difference is that he is a lot less fragile and is rather sturdy now.. The other thing I can now confirm is he has dimples like me, but the double eyelid part is yet to be confirmed. Doesn't seem like it from looks of it.. just like his daddy! Although his sight is still limited, his eye movements are now alert and follows the lights.

Behaviour wise, he seems to be settling down in our family and is getting a good hang of which buttons to push to get us to hold him! He is also feeding a whole lot more than 2 weeks ago. The other thing that Mark and I have noticed is he is one impatient little bun... when he wants his milk, he only allows me all of 5 seconds to 'get ready' before he goes into full force brawling. Mark says he got his impatience from me, and unfortunately, I have to agree cos between the both of us, Mark is more laidback (sometimes to the extent of what I'd refer to as 'slack').

How Do I Love Thee?

6 November - If little bun is still in my belly, he'd have been exactly 40 weeks old today. Today is also the actual estimated delivery date that I had circled in my mind's calendar and had been counting down to and striving towards during the first 6 months of my pregnancy. I have also been tracking the progress of the pregnancy on this app called iPregnancy on my iPhone right from the start.

Late last night, as I was alone nursing my squirming, bundled up baby who will very soon turn 3 weeks old, I looked at him in wonderment. How did Mark and I create this perfectly formed little being? How did a failure with a horrid obstetric track record like me manage to hang on long enough this time to bring him into this world? What did I/we do right this time that we didn't do for my previous pregnancies? How amazing is it that the 2 microscopic cells from Mark and I grow and evolve to become a mini human? How is it that I can be filled with so much love and adoration for someone I have only 'met' for barely 3 weeks and am willing to lay my life down for?

How Do I Love Thee?

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How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of being and ideal grace.
I love thee to the level of every day's
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for right.
I love thee purely, as they turn from praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints. I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life; and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.

-- Elizabeth Barrett Browning

Little bun turned 2 weeks old yesterday! So happy and content to see my little bun thriving. Mark and I brought him for his check-up yesterday and while he is still slightly jaundiced, the pediatrician was very pleased with how little bun is doing overall. Little bun also managed to put on close to 500g since he was last weighed about 10 days ago, slightly more than the normal weight gain of 200g per week!

Mark and I puffed out our chests like any proud parents would.. it was as if we were told that our son invented a life-saving drug or something! I was told to continue to watch his poo (if the color turns pale, then it means his jaundice level needs to be checked)... 'Poo-watching' and 'diaper counting' had been my latest hobby since bringing little bun home.

After little bun's appointment, we proceeded to my appointment with Dr Anu to check on my stitches and how I have healed. I felt a sense of immense relief and achievement when I walked into the clinic for the first time with a baby in my arms. For the past 9 plus months, I have walked into that clinic at least once a week with my baby in my belly and feeling a variety of emotions that range from happiness to relief to worry to fear to etc... There had been times when I feel so much envy when I see other women holding their babies. Now that I have the source of all my emotions safely cuddled in my arms, what an awesome feeling that is!

We also took the opportunity to take some photos with Dr Anu... Having little bun here today is as much her 'achievement' as it is ours. She's been more than just a doctor to me and we could tell she is genuinely happy for Mark and I. I can still recall that the first time I saw her was around November or December 2009, about 5-6 months after I lost Chloe. She held my hands and comforted me when I couldn't control my tears while recounting to her my 'history'. Now I feel that I can finally close that chapter of my life, the chapter I'd entitle 'Motherhood'... although it was a long, rocky and painful chapter, I am glad it has a happy ending.

Mark and I wouldn't have gotten here without Dr Anu's help, and for that, we'd be eternally grateful to her for giving us our lives back. Our lives came to a standstill after we lost Chloe and I basically allowed myself to spiral into that deep dark hole of depression. I can say that I single-handedly fucked up the lives of myself, of Mark and to a certain extent, our extended families, for the past few years.

Having little bun here with us today somewhat eases that pain and for me, it makes me feel less of a 'failure'. While nothing will ever compensate for the loss of our Angels, I know that they will forever live in the hearts of Mark and I... gone but never forgotten. I also like to think that our Angels are watching over little bun from Heaven and will forever be his guardian angels, watching over and protecting him.

I am blogging less than I want to, but it is not because I have nothing to write about. On the contrary, I have SO much that I want to write about on my new experience as as a mother but taking care of little bun is really a full time job. When he's awake, there's a lot of diaper changing, bonding and feeding to do, and when he is asleep, I use the window to shower, eat, catch forty winks and/or do some housework.

I have since learnt that as part and parcel of motherhood, you not only learn to survive on minimal sleep, you also learn to finish your meals really fast, long showers are a thing of the past, toilet breaks must be carefully planned and timed, and watching your favourite TV show uninterrupted is unheard of. Thankfully Mark is a very hands-on daddy and I am so glad he is able to share the load with me. As a matter of fact, I think he does a much better job than I do in coaxing little bun to sleep (it involved a long session of singing plus dancing/twirling... the latter two I refuse to partake in). Mark will be going back to work on Wednesday and I know that I will miss his help and presence... it's just good knowing that he is in the house with me.

My precious sleeping child...

For the past week, most of my time was spent on changing dirty diapers, rocking little bun to sleep, soothing him when he cries (which fortunately isn't very often), bonding with him durin the time he is awake, breastfeeding him (I don't like to feed him every X hours like some people tell me to, I'd rather feed him as and when he wants to be fed.. it's rather tiring, but well worth it). I am already back to my pre-pregnancy weight, but then since I didn't put on very much (a grand 6.4kg during the entire 37 weeks), I guess it's not unexpected.

Even Mark had lost some weight too.. hehehe... He does a fantastic job at rocking little bun to sleep and singing the ONE & ONLY nursery song - Old MacDonald (and seems like poor Old MacDonald's farm only has one animal, i.e. the duck. We've got to aim for 'farm expansion' soon!). Mark is a wonderful daddy... I love looking at him cuddle little bun in his arms and cooing lovingly to him. I also like how he gets overly worried whenever little bun cries. Yes, I was right all along, I knew right from the start that this man not only would make an awesome husband, but he would also be a #1 dad. I am just sad that it took me/us so long to prove the latter, and that my Angels didn't get to experience it.

Many times, I have caught myself staring and smiling idiotically while looking at my son's sleeping face... I don't think I will ever get tired of looking at him and inhaling his unique scent (no, not poop related). I have also told him countless times since his birth that I will love him and protect him for as long as I live, and that he's got Angels watching over him.