Oops.. I did it again. I made a boo boo and forgot to hit the 'publish post' button on my previous post, hence the post meant for 08 Oct is 'missing'. I am actually very annoyed with myself for making such a stupid mistake and for not being able to do something so simple right. This just goes to show my state of mind over the past few days.
As I continue on with the countdown to Chloe's EDD, my state of mind had been in chaos. The low periods have increased in frequency and the bad/ angry/ sad thoughts are more prevalent than ever before. Focusing on anything has been tough, and staying 'happy' has been a pain. I am constantly unhappy, and I pity the people around me, mainly Mark.
Anyway, here's my post meant for yesterday...
I have heard so many different types of 'advices' after my 2 miscarriages that I have decided to 'compile' them. Although people don't actually say it to my face, I can see in their eyes the unasked question - 'You didn't even know the baby yet, so why are you so sad?'. Well, after a miscarriage, the grief is for a person you never knew and for a relationship that abruptly ended before it actually began. You grieve not for a person who has lived and died, but for an unlived life. My grief is for the loss of my future as the parent of the two babies who had died, and I am depressed not only because of what I had lost, but also because of what will never be.
From the moment a woman receives a positive pregnancy test, she starts bonding with the unborn baby. She is the one who feels the morning sickness, sciatic nerve discomfort and senses the flutters, kicks and jabs.
Hence, unless you have been through a miscarriage yourself and have felt the emotional and mental anguish, I highly discourage anyone from trying to dispense advice to women who had suffered a miscarriage. Well meaning 'advice' given with the best intention can sometimes cause more harm than good, as I have learnt and experienced.
What NOT to say to Someone who has had a Miscarriage
- "You can always try again" - So what are you trying to say, that the baby that I just lost is not a life?? If you lose your dad, can I tell you that "It's ok, at least you still have your mom"?? One baby does not replace another... ever.
- "Everything will be fine the next time" - How would you know?? This is one of the most common thing I heard after losing Lucas. Everyone hopes that everything will be fine for the next pregnancy, but sometimes it isn't (like in my case). I found it even harder to cope with the second miscarriage because of how I was assured by everyone (including doctors) that everything would be fine the next time. It's complete bu**sh*t to me cos I have proven them wrong.
- "Stay positive" - I was told this by a close friend when I was expecting Chloe and I did follow her advice. I remained happy, positive and confident throughout the 6 months, and the end result is I still lost the baby. Another complete load of bu**sh*t to me.
- "I know just how you feel" - How do you know? Have you lost 2 babies in the span of a year? Unless you have, you aren't qualified to advise me.
"It happened because ________" - So if you are a psychic and can predict, why didn't you warn me of it earlier? And would you be able to predict the outcome of my next pregnancy now? - "It was probably for the best'' - This is one of the worst advice I have heard, and possibly the most common one too. I don't see how it is for the 'best' when my child just died.
- "Your baby is in a better place now" - The BEST place that my babies can be is right here in MY arms. Period.
- "God needed her more than we did" - Oh yeah? And where was God when I needed his help? What makes you think I needed my babies any lesser than God??
What You CAN say to Someone who has had a Miscarriage
- "Tell me more about your baby" - I don't think people are comfortable with saying this cos they think that by bringing up the subject, it'd make me cry. It's true that I will most likely cry when talking about my baby, but it is also comforting to know that someone else is interested enough to ask and acknowledges the fact that my baby exists, if only for a while. I am dying to share the little details of my baby with you.
- "I am sad for you and your husband/ wife for your loss" - It'd be nice to ask about how the husband is too cos most of the time, I realize that people tend to focus only on the woman and ignore/forget the fact that the man had also lost his child
- "I am here to listen if you want to talk" - Whether or not I actually confide in you, it helps to know that there is a 'ready listener'.
- "It's okay to be sad or angry around me" - I have learnt that if I wear my emotions on my sleeve, i.e. look sad, most people become awkward around me and don't know how to react. I have since learnt to put on my 'happy face' in front of people to put them at ease. But it is tiring and there are times when I just want to be sad and angry. I want to be able to rant at God/ myself/ fate/ karma/ etc.
- "I can't imagine how painful this must be for you" - Thank you for not trying to belittle my pain and pretend that you know how I am feeling.
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