I was back at the NUH early this morning as I hitched a ride from Mark. He dropped me off on his way to work and I was there bright and early. I was there to collect the results of my scan and blood tests. I waited for a long time and was told that the fertility doc that I was supposed to see was running late. It was fine with me as I was contentedly reading my book and at the same time hoping that if I was lucky enough, I could bump into Dr T... LOL!! It is unlikely that I'd bump into him though cos I don't think Mondays are his 'clinic days', but if I did, it'd be a nice way to start the week. Anyway, I am going to see him this Thursday and it'd be my last appointment with him because he would be discharging me from his care. I wonder why I am having such mixed feelings about this...
While I was totally engrossed in my book, I was aware that there's a little boy on the seat behind me. He was slightly over a year old... Out of the blue, the little tot popped his head over my shoulder and called me 'mama'. I don't know why he did that... and his maid corrected him and told him 'she's not your mama'. That didn't deter him... he kept calling me 'mama' until I looked at him (all the while I was pretending that the book I was reading was oh-so-very-interesting). When I looked at him, he smiled and called me 'mama' yet again... I couldn't hold it in anymore and the tears just came.
Good thing I had my sunglasses with me... but I am sure the lady sitting opposite me saw me wiping away my tears. Funny thing is I didn't walk away... maybe I should have, but while my heart was breaking, I was secretly enjoying the sound of that little boy calling me 'mama'. It was melodious to my ears.. his childish, pure, sweet, innocent voice calling 'mama' was like a drug that I was addicted to. The little one kept trying to incite play with me, but I tried my best to ignore him... I feel really bad as I think about it now. After 5 minutes of this, I gave him a smile and pretended to walk away to make a call. I don't think I could continue sitting there and holding in my tears for long.
As I was walking away from him, the tears came down hard and fast... God, is this how Lucas would sound when he calls me 'mama'? I went to a secluded corner outside the hospital and cried myself silly for a good 10 minutes (and that place wasn't as secluded as I'd hoped it'd be because quite a few people saw me). So much for trying to be 'glam'!
When I finally got to see the doc, the first thing she asked was how I was with concern in her voice... I guess it was because she could see from my eyes that I had been crying. I told her what had happened and she handed me a tissue and told me to just let it out while she patted me sympathetically. It took a good 5 minutes before I managed to compose myself. Geez, how embarrassing to cry in front of a stranger... I seem to find myself in this situation a lot now. Anyway, the hormonal blood test and scans all came back normal.
It was a very eventful morning for me... In hindsight, I wonder something like this happened. Did God feel that my heart is not broken enough as it is and that's why he'd created an episode like this to shatter it even further? Why did He make me listen to a child calling me 'mama', only that the child isn't mine? Why did he put me in this situation whereby I get to savour in the delight of hearing someone call me 'mama', but only in a case of mistaken identity? Why/ How can He be so cruel to me again and again? Is it because I am not religious and I don't believe in Him, that's why he's making me go through this pain?
I wished I had gave that little boy a hug for he made me know how it feels to be called 'mama'. He's the first person to call me 'mama' in my 32 years. Well, unfortunately I did not do so mainly because I'm not sure if I'd be able to cope with it... and ummm... partly also because the area around his mouth was filled with biscuit crumbs and saliva. :P
I have to make yet another trip to NUH tomorrow morning, with Mark this time cos I will be seeing the specialist for Thrombophilia. I have so many appointments there that I am begining to lose track, but I really want them to run as many tests on me as they possibly can before I start trying to conceive again.
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