Mark and I were at ION's food court yesterday afternoon and we sat next to this family with a baby girl... maybe about 6 months old. I tried conscientiously to avoid looking in the baby's direction or making any eye contact with her throughout my meal. Then just before I got up to leave, I stole a glance in her direction and noticed that she was staring at me. As I looked back at her, she suddenly broke into a sweet, toothless smile. Oh God... she was so sweet. I would have loved to play with her for a while, but I wasn't confident that my tears wouldn't start falling suddenly and freak the poor baby (and her family) out. So I got up, held her little hands for a split second, said 'Bye, Sweetie', and fled the scene with Mark in tow. It was a bitter sweet moment... Oh God, is this how Chloe would have been?
As the numbers to Chloe's countdown get smaller, the longing for her gets more acute and the pain in my heart gets more excruciating... I can tell that even Mark had been a lot more emotional this past week. I guess he's also feeling the pressure of my emotional upheaval. He's been like my crutch for far too long and I think he's begining to feel the strain of it all. The psychiatrist asked me if I have been meeting up with people, i.e. friends, colleagues, and I answered her truthfully that I have been consiously making an effort to avoid social gatherings of any sort for quite a while because they sap too much of my dwindling energy. My trust for people is at an alltime low. Moreover, I don't feel comfortable in situations where I don't know what people will ask, will say or will 'advise' me. I can't promise I have enough self-discipline left in me not to poke them in the eye if I don't like what they say.
From her reaction, I think the psychiatrist was pretty concerned, and rightly so, I guess. She encouraged me to meet with my friends more often to cheer myself up, but somehow, I don't think I can cope with it and am fearful of the outcome of such gatherings. Unconsciously, I have somehow 'isolated' myself in order to 'protect' myself. If I can think of an analogy for this, it'd be that because I am a Leo, I do what a lion would do when it is wounded. It'd retreat into its cave and lick its wounds, and probably won't reappear until it's 'healed'. Only that in my case, my wound is not a superficial one... and I am not sure if I will ever 'heal'. Perhaps this analogy would help her understand better why I am behaving the way I am.
Oh and today (12 Oct 2009), is actually supposed to be the first day of my maternity leave. When my boss was in town in early June, he asked me when my due date was and when I'd be taking my maternity leave as he needed to make plans for my back-up. I can still remember that meeting we had so clearly. I even told him that I'd prepare a handover document of all the outstanding items that I was working on. Little did I know then that there'd not be a need for any handover documents...
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