Shoe Story

I had a dinner date with friends last night and while waiting for them to arrive, I went window shopping. I was browsing in the shoe department and saw a pair of ballet flats which I wanted to buy when I was pregnant with Chloe. The majority of shoes that I own are usually high heels, so when I found out I was pregnant, I had to buy some sensible, flat, comfy shoes ... definitely cannot risk walking around town in my 3 inch heels!!

Looking at 'that' pair of shoes brought back fond memories... I can still clearly recall the first time that I saw it. It was during lunch hour and I was with 2 colleagues (one of whom is pregnant). I liked the shoes, tried it on and decided to purchase it, but unfortunately, they ran out of my size. I guess size 6 is a common size for Singapore women. My pregnant colleague bought it because they had it in her size.

When I saw that pair of shoes yesterday, I noticed that they now have it in my size. I still like the design and am tempted to buy it, but I couldn't help but think to myself how ironic it was. When I needed it, they didn't have my size. Now that they have my size, I don't need it anymore.

Isn't this how life is? 'Murphy's Law' seems to apply to me a lot nowadays and it is begining to feel very much like a sick prank... Then of course, it made me sad/ moody and the rest of the evening was pretty much ruined by no one other than myself.

(So should I still get those shoes??)

Scars from the Battles I Fought (and Lost)

I saw the psychiatrist yesterday and as expected, she didn't prescribe me with any sleeping pills. She didn't really offer me a solution to this problem, other than telling me that this is one of the symptoms of depression and that I am doing all the right things... i.e not taking naps during the day, exercising and wearing myself out during the day, not lying in bed and trying to force myself to sleep when I am awake in the middle of the night, etc. Hmmm.. this is not very helpful at all cos sleep, or the lack thereof, is making me cranky during the day.

Anyway, the sunburnt area on my tummy (which is still flabby) is getting better... It doesn't hurt as much as earlier this week and has turned a nice shade of light brown once the redness had subsided. Good thing is that the scratch marks from my 2 pregnancies are still visible because they happen to be in an area that's covered by the swimsuit. Those are my memories of Lucas and Chloe, and I will wear the marks with pride. I consciously made an effort to ensure that they are covered by the swimsuit.

In case you think it's a typo, it isn't... I have scratch marks, not stretch marks. These are the 'battle scars' of my pregnancies. During both the pregnancies, especially for Chloe's, my stretching tummy was itching like mad and it's only on the right side, the line where the waistband sits. I used to wake up in the middle of the night to scratch myself silly before applying some lotion. That is how I ended up with the scratch marks. I do look at those marks sometimes, and reminicise of the happy times when there was a baby inside my tummy. I miss that feeling. I fought the battles (in trying to keep both babies) and I suffered a crushing defeat both times. I wear my battle scars with pride (and love).

I had initially planned to go for a swim during lunchtime later to even out the patchy bits of my tan, but I just recalled that I have a stupid conference call at noon. I already know it is going to be a useless call, but have to attend it nevertheless.

Can't believe the weekend is here again... when I was expecting Lucas and Chloe, time was so precious to me because I treasured every moment I was pregnant and savoured every minute of it... now time is just, well, time. It is not of any significance anymore cos there is nothing to countdown to, there is no 'pot of gold' at the end of the rainbow for me.

A Ruffled Mind Makes a Restless Pillow...

Oh dear... I had yet another bad night. I think it's almost been a week now that I haven't had a night of good, uninterrupted sleep. The frequency and type of dreams are becoming ridiculous really, and it's just so hard to go back to sleep after I've been jolted awake. And just when I manage to doze off (usually around 4am or 5am), Mark's alarm would go off and there'd be a flurry of activities in the room as he goes about to preparing for work. Of course there is also Hershey, who loves to pick that time of the day to act all sweet and cute. She laid ON me again this morning... here's the evidence.

After my previous post about my dreams of falling into a 'dark, gaping hole', Fion obviously went to do some 'research' and sent me the below. Most of it seem to be pretty accurate... perhaps except that last paragraph. **Fion, did you make it up to try and make me feel better?**

I truly, honestly do not have a solution to my own problems. I have known all along what' is really bothering me, and they are:

1. I want my 2 babies to be here with me but this is not possible, hence (cont'd in #2)
2. I want to go and be with my 2 babies but this is also impossible.
3. I am dying to find out the cause of my recurring miscarriages but the doctors can't seem to be able to tell, so (cont'd in #4)
4. Should I even plan for baby #3? What if my body kills another baby again?
5. If I don't try for baby #3, I am positive it's something that I'd live to regret forever... but will I be able to take another blow if I also end up losing baby #3?

I don't have answers to my questions, and I doubt anyone has the answers too. I do wish I can find myself a burrow to hide in, just for a little while until I sort out my thoughts and until I feel strong enough to face the world again.

********************************************************************

Dream Interpretation: Dreams are your thoughts and worries and concerns and fears of the day, being re-hashed and reorganized by your brain while you sleep. Dreams don't mean anything but what you were thinking about.

A hole is a tricky or difficult situation. A bottomless pit may seem our problems have no end. Like a tunnel without the light at the end. It can also mean the emptiness or hollowness we sometimes experience in our lives. Our not being in control of things. Like a black hole in space.

In Greek mythology there was a king destined for eternity to push a stone up a hill. When it reached the top, it rolled back down. And he had to start over again. Life is sometimes like that uphill battle - a slog, a struggle.

But a hole can also mean the opposite - being a place to hide. A refuge from danger or trouble. Like a mole or rabbit burrow.

Falling into or down a hole is being in touch with unconcious feelings, urges and fears. So maybe you have found a way to tackle what is troubling you. You might not realise at first though....

Welcome, Baby Amanda

Yesterday evening, I received a text message from my friend A, announcing the arrival of baby Amanda, as well as her birth weight and length. I am glad I was outside when I received the message because I might have brawled my eyes out. Anyway, I did what I had to do, i.e. send back a congratulatory reply to the happy parents. I am genuinely happy for them, it's just that behind that happiness, I also feel a pang of heartache and envy. (Mark was pretty annoyed by the SMS cos he felt that A wasn't being very sensitive to me... but I told him we can't blame her because she's merely sharing her joy, and how would she have guessed the state of my mind? Then again, how many people would know the pain of a miscarriage, or two in my case?)

Every morning once I boot up my computer, I will open 3 applications... my Outlook (for office emails), my Facebook and my blog. I don't think I help myself at all sometimes... Once I opened up my Facebook this morning, the first thing that greeted me were photos of A and little Amanda that were posted by A's hubby. Naturally I had to click on it...

I think little Amanda looks really sweet and adorable. I can't help but think back on the discussions A and I had previously... on how Amanda and Chloe would be friends, how we will organise playdates in future, etc. While Amanda is here now, happy and very healthy, Chloe is gone. A's hubby also commented on one of the photos that A had a 'glow' after she delivered Amanda... and I think he's right cos she did have a nice glow on her face in the photo of her holding Amanda. I guess that is the glow of a very proud, happy and contented mother holding her pride and joy... This is the joy of motherhood, it is also the joy that I had been robbed and deprived of twice.

I am sure A's hubby must have been ecstatic over the birth of his firstborn... like how any proud father would. At the precise moment a baby is born, the woman becomes a 'mommy' and the man becomes a 'daddy'. I feel extremely guilty towards Mark because while most husbands accompany their wives into the delivery suite to witness the happy occasion on the birth of their babies, my poor, long-suffering husband accompanied me into the delivery suite twice to cry with me, to suppport me and to witness the birth and death of our much loved babies. It's really so unfair to him cos he did not ask for this. He did not do anything wrong. His body did not fail him. The only reason why he had to go through this is because he married me.

The images of the delivery suite in the photos were all too familiar to me. It was only 4 months ago that I was in a delivery suite myself... hooked up with wires (to monitor the rate of Chloe's heart beat), with needles and tubes sticking from my arms and back (for the epidural) and going through the worst pain in my life, i.e. labour pains combined with the pain in my heart from knowing that Chloe will not be coming home with us. Going against the natural progression of the onset of labour, I wanted so badly to stop myself from 'pushing' because I knew that once Chloe leaves the security of my womb, she would not be able to survive for long due to her prematurity. Sadly, my body betrayed me again and again...

Sunny Skies, Miserable Me

When I woke up this morning, I was greeted by yet another clear sunny day... blue skies dotted by patches of fluffy white clouds. It should have been the start of a beautiful day ahead, but yet I can't help but be disappointed by the fact that I woke up (again). To me, it's just another day that I have to drag myself through, another day for me to shed more tears, another day for the pain in my heart to further torture me.

Both Mark and DG have commented that my mood seem to be lower recently, and I am begining to notice it myself too. I had initially expected that things would get better after Chloe's EDD on 14 Oct 09, but on the contrary, it seems to be going in the opposite direction instead. I have tried to soul-search and ask myself what would be reason for this, but somehow I simply cannot find any answers. My mind seems to be a constant blank nowadays and having to make it work takes up considerable effort. Maybe that's also why I that find working is no longer enjoyable. In fact, it has become more of a 'chore' now and I have to force myself to do simple tasks, which would have been a breeze for me in the past.

Perhaps I am begining to slowly lose passion in life and all the things that I used to enjoy doing. To be honest, in the past week, I can feel the life ebbing away from me... it's an interesting feeling (if only it weren't so depressing)... a bit like how the water recedes from the shoreline during low-tide, slowly but surely. I have had a few dreams lately where I see myself falling into a dark, gaping hole... I never got to find out what is inside the hole because I always get jolted awake during the 'falling' process.

Perhaps my low mood could be due to the lack of a good night's sleep. Since I am seeing my doc on Thursday, I may try my luck in asking her to prescribe me with some sleeping tablets **fingers crossed**. I am not too hopeful about this though, cos I reckon they'd be too apprehensive to prescribe those drugs to me. Oh, and maybe it'd also help if Hershey stops sleeping ON me (she's trying to solicit for a tummy rub or ear scratch) while I am still asleep. **Mark, please take note..**

Perhaps my mood is due to the fact that I know of many friends who have given birth/ will be giving birth during this period. I really don't know the real answer... All I know is I feel like I am sinking into this gaping hole, and it is a nice, comforting feeling.

Ok, I think I am begining to sound like 'Moaning Myrtle' in Harry Potter, who is constantly sobbing, whining, wailing and complaining!! I hope that I can consciously stop myself and my thoughts from becoming too depressing.

Although today's weather is nice, I don't think I will go for my noontime swim during lunch because I got quite a bad sunburn yesterday and I am feeling the pain on my chest and (flabby) tummy. Mark saw my tan lines last night and commented that I am begining to remind him more and more of Magda (from 'There's Something About Mary). I think it is about her/ our tans... This is how 'Magda' looks like... I REALLY hope Mark doesn't mean it cos it's not very flattering at all!!

Letting Off Some Steam...

This is my 2nd post for today because I am now feeling very lost, very unhappy and extremely depressed... I need an 'outlet' to let off steam. It was all good initially... I went to the pool for a solid 2 hours from 12pm-2pm wearing my brand new swim suit, which felt comfy and allowed me to tan my super flabby and fair mid-section. It also allowed me to 'show off' the tattoo of my 2 Angels (although there was only me at the pool!!). I came home feeling relaxed and rejuvenated, albeit the slight ache in my arms and calves from all the swimming.

So why the sudden change? Well, I saw a friend's message on FB that her baby is due tomorrow. She was originally due in early Nov, but her doc decided to induce her. I got to know this friend (A) through our mutual love for our dogs, and to be honest, I haven't met her before. We have only communicated through FB, emails and SMS. It was by sheer coincidence that when A added me on FB early this year, she and I both found out that we were pregnant at around the same time. I was about 2 to 3 weeks further along than her.

As expected, we ended up as thick as thieves, sharing the progress of our respective pregnancies, the morning sickness during the first trimester, our purchases for our babies, tips on what to eat/ what not to eat, receipes for confinement food, etc. When we found out that we were both expecting girls, we got even more excited and we started discussing the names that we wanted, and gave each other our opinion on what names we thought were nice. I was then contemplating between a name that I'd always wanted, i.e. 'Chloe', or my other choice was 'Lucia' because of its link to 'Lucas'. She eventually picked the name 'Amanda' for her baby... which I think is beautiful.

At that time, we were both very excited that our due dates were so close, and we even discussed how fun it'd be for us to bring our daughters up together. Who knows they may even end up being best of friends. We also marvelled at the coincidence that in future, we'd both have young dogs to take care of (yes, our dogs are the almost the exact age too as they were both born in the month of April 08) on top of the new babies. Playdates with the babies AND doggies were also a common topic of discussion.

I feel utterly horrible that I am feeling sad after knowing that little Amanda will make her appearance tomorrow... I think I suck as a friend because of the way I am feeling. I feel so guilty for feeling this way... maybe I am really an evil person afterall. I do feel happy for A because she will get to meet her baby tomorrow and be able to hold her, kiss her and cuddle her tight, but somehow I cannot stop my own tears from flowing and I cannot stop that sharp aching sensation in my heart.

I guess I'll have to take on the painful task of buying yet another baby gift soon... But in a way, little Amanda will be 'special' to me because of the 'future' that her mom and I had envisioned for her and Chloe when they were still in our tummies. I only wish I had a closer friendship with A so that Amanda will be a part of my life in some way in future, and watching her grow up will be like watching Chloe.

The tears won't stop flowing... I resent the fact that while other people are joyously celebrating the birth of their baby, here I am grieving over the loss of mine. Why is life so unfair to me? What did I do to deserve this time and again? I do miss my babies so, and I wish that all this is a bad nightmare that I'd wake up from because I don't wish to live on like this anymore.

The Awkward Question

Dennis, my brother-in-law, invited Mark and I to a seafood dinner yesterday with his group of colleagues. Although all the other people were complete strangers to me, I did manage to enjoy the yummy food. I sat next to the wife of one of the guys and we started some idle chatter about Hong Kong. I told her that Mark and I love Hong Kong and would try to visit at least once a year. She then asked me if I have been to the Disneyland there and what I thought of it. So I told her we've been there twice and while it's pretty small, it's not too bad.

Then she dropped the bombshell... she asked me if we brought our children there and I just said 'No, it was just the 2 of us'. Then she continued by asking if we have any kids (I had an internal struggle on how I was going to reply to this one.. A part of me wanted to tell her about my 2 Angels, but then since this is the first time I have met her, I decided it was a bit too personal to share so much information with her), so I simply said 'No', thinking (and hoping) that she would stop there. Unfortunately, she didn't... she went on to ask whether we planned to have kids and when it will be.

I tapped Mark's tigh (under the table) as a silent signal for his help, and thank goodness he stopped looking at his iPhone for long enough to extricate me from this sticky situation by telling her 'Yes, we are planning soon'. Fortunately that seemed to satisfy her and she stopped probing further.

I am sure this won't be the last time someone pose this kind of questions to me, and Mark will not be with me all the time to 'save' me from them. I think I need to rehearse the answers so that I can cope better next time. (Alternatively, if my dressing permits, maybe I can just show them my tattoo of the 2 Angels...).

Situtations like this can really catch me unaware (I think the term 'with my pants down' is more suitable), and I hate it because I don't ever want to deny the existence of Lucas and Chloe, but yet I can't tell the truth. I foresee that I will get a lot more of it during social gatherings. The next big one will be Chinese New Year where we will get to meet all the distant relatives... From the bottom of my heart, I really want to tell all the people who ask that I have 2 precious kids; a boy and a girl, but they can't see them because my babies live in my heart.

An Almost Perfect Evening

We had a small barbeque party last evening and I only went to bed at around 1am. I haven't been sleeping well since Thursday night... (or is it Wednesday ??). Anyway, I was hoping that I could finally get into a deep slumber last night, especially since I had some beer and wine, which usually will work for me.

I did get some sleep last night, but a (weird) bad dream woke me up very early this morning... It's a strange dream actually. I dreamt that Mark was buying an expensive present (it was a Hi-Fi to be exact... Well, I did say it was a weird dream!!) for someone else's baby (why would a baby need a Hi-Fi??) and I was sad and crying about it because he was spending so much on another person's baby when we don't have a baby of our own. It's was an overpowering feeling of envy and jealousy, of anger and helplessness, of yearning and desperation. It was so real and so intense that I jolted awake with tears in my eyes. What a way to begin the day...

Last evening's BBQ was really enjoyable with the great company of some very close friends as well as Mark's brother (Dennis) and cousin. I like to host social gatherings with small groups of people as opposed to big parties because it is more cosy and everyone has a chance of actually talking and knowing one another better. I also learnt 2 new things yesterday:

1. I can marinate decent chicken wings based on the 'secret receipe' from Fion's mom... I have adored her chicken wings (and fried vermicelli) since I was 15 or 16. In my opnion, my chicken wings are still not as yummy as Fion's mom's, but considering that it's my first attempt, I am pleased with the results. Up next: Fried vermicelli --- The old cliche that 'the way to a man's heart is through is stomach', so I am hoping that if I can learn to cook some good food, it'd help me keep Mark's heart. (This may become crucial in future as I may have to resort to alternative means to keep his heart with me in case I can't give him/ us a baby.)
2. I can start a BBQ fire pretty well on my own. Previously Mark had always been the one tasked with this, but he was busy yesterday so I decided to give it a try. It's something that I had always wanted to do too because I LOVE the smell of burning charcoal. Am happy to annouce that my first attempt was a great success.

The food was surprisingly good and after most of the food was gone, it gradually became a drinking session (I think we had a lot more beer compared to food). The 'drinking' was not limited to alcohol. A friend's hubby and Fion were coerced into drinking packet chrysanthemum tea cos they didn't want anymore beer. Dennis introduced some silly 'shotgun' game which Mark played, and ended up with the contents of half a can of beer on himself (in case anyone is wondering, I/ Me/ Mrs Lee/ Shane does the laundry at home...).

I laughed... I had fun... these emotions feel a bit 'strange' now because they are not easy to come by anymore. What is more familiar to me now are tears and heartache. Someone asked what was the occasion for the BBQ, and I said that it is just because I liked barbequing. Actually the real reason is because sometime before we lost Chloe, Mark and I casually discussed about holding a BBQ to celebrate Chloe's arrival in October, and we can also celebrate our wedding anniversary at the same time. Although Chloe is now gone, I still wanted to do this for her, to let her know that she is on our minds.

** Chloe, thanks for giving mummy a wonderful evening... though it'd be perfect if you and Lucas were there with us too.

STILL - Gerrit Hofsink

When I first heard this song, I thought to myself that it MUST be written by someone who had gone through the pain of a miscarriage/ infant loss, this is because he described all the emotions so simply, yet so well. After some research, the song writer (Gerrit Hofsink) wrote this song for his daughter and son-in-law, who lost their firstborn after a 9 month pregnancy. This baby was the song writer's first grandchild.

This video is the only version I found on Youtube, which is a moving tribute made by a mom for her baby boy whom miscarried at 16 weeks. It's a very touching and I REALLY wish I have the skills and knowledge to do something like this for Lucas and Chloe too. Perhaps one day I will, with Mark's help.

Everytime I listen to this song, the tears never fail to fall and my heart starts to ache. But somehow I am hopelessly addicted to it because I can relate to it... and I hope that if my 2 Angels are around me, they would have heard it too, and know that the day when God takes me away, I'll be coming home to them.

I am listening to the song now as I type out this post and the tears are falling.

** Lucas/ Chloe, Please listen to this song and remember the lyrics. It's what mummy wants you to know...

STILL
music & lyrics: Gerrit Hofsink

I’ve been waiting for you
For such a long time
You’re always on my mind

And I’m lying awake
Most of the night
Waiting to hold you tight

Now that I do
And look at you
My heart is breaking
This can’t be true

Chorus:
Lost you before I found you
Gone before you came
But I love you just the same
Missed you before I met you
On earth we never can
But in heaven we’ll meet again

Close to my soul
Close to my heart
Right from the start

Lost in time
Lost in space
Can’t wait to see your face

Now that I do
And look at you
My heart is breaking
I know it’s true

Chorus:
Lost you before I found you
Gone before you came
But I love you just the same
Missed you before I met you
On earth we never can
But in heaven we’ll meet again

Sometimes I find myself wondering what to do
With this pain that I’m going through
But I know one day, God will take me away
And I’m coming home to you

And when I do
And look at you
My heart is healing
I know it’s true

Chorus:
Lost you before I found you
Gone before you came
But I love you just the same
Missed you before I met you
On earth we never can
But in heaven we’ll meet again

Last Appointment with Dr T

Yesterday was my last appointment with Dr T, and it brought about mixed emotions. In case no one has realized it yet, yes, I admit I am infatuated with him (sorry Mark, but you will alway be my #1 love, ok?). Not sure about the exact reasons for this 'infatuation' though, but I think could be because of his manner... i.e. the way he tallks, the way he looks at me when he is talking, the way he speaks, the way he sounds, his smile, etc. This infatuation had been going on since the 2nd or 3rd time I saw him in July this year... LOL... pretty funny that I could find the time and effort to get infatuated with someone despite all that's been going on in my life and in my mind. Yes, I can multi-task afterall...

It was only until very recently that a good friend pointed out to me that Dr T did bear some resemblance with Mark, and it was an eureka moment for me. How could I have missed that? The two of them really do have some degree of likeness!! Could that be the reason why I am attracted to him? Hmmm come to think of it, it goes to show that my taste in guys that I like have not really changed.

Another possible reason why Dr T is 'special' to me is because other than Mark and I, he is possibly the only other person in this world who has seen my Chloe alive. I appreciate the gentle way he handled her, and that he remembers her name and addressed her by it. I am also grateful for the fact that knew and understood what I went through on that faithful night at the ward after I lost Chloe, and he actually felt bad for me.

When he took my blood pressure yesterday, he commented that it was bodering on the high side and asked if I was feeling anxious or excited. That was pretty funny cos I was actually looking forward to see him and was feeling kind of excited! I had to hide my guilty grin and cross my fingers that Mark doesn't decide to be cheeky and let the cat out of the bag.

Mark had initially promised to ask Dr T about his marital status for me, but as luck would have it there was a whole crowd of other people in the room yesterday. There was a doctor who was understudying Dr T plus 2 nurses... so the plan flew out of the window, and I am none the wiser about his marital status. Oh well, might just let it remain as a mystery, anyway there's really nothing I can do with that information other than satisfying my curiosity.

Anniversary Dinner @ The Cliff

Mark thought he'd give me a surprise on where he'd be taking me for dinner, and refused to tell me where he was taking me despite my constant badgering. In the end, he brought me to The Cliff at Sentosa. Most of Mark's 'surprises' always end up more like a 'shock' to me, and this was no exception. I have heard from friends about this place and true to what I have heard, the ambience was wonderful and the service was immaculate. The oysters we had were too good for words, actually some of the best I have tasted. My entree (some scallop thingy) was delectable and the black cod (my main course) was simply scrumptious and it just melted in my mouth. According to Mark, his food was delicious too...

The 'shocking' part was with the price (at least to me)... I know that it was an expensive place for fine dining, but geez, last night's dinner costed close to S$400!! No doubt it was a great 2.5 hour long dining experience, truly memorable and romantic, but definitely way too expensive. Of course I chided Mark for choosing such an expensive place, but I had to rein myself in because I didn't want to disappoint him or to appear to be ungrateful, especially since he made some effort to plan it and make it a surprise for me.

Anyway all in all, it's a nice place, especially for a guy to impress a girl.. great venue for proposals too. However I told Mark he could have saved the money and taken me somewhere cheaper since I am already his and there's no need to 'impress' anymore!

Actually I think I am pretty easy to please.. especially as I age. I have come to understand that the most expensive things may not be the best, and money cannot get you everything you want. One can also find joy in simple things too... I no longer desire material goods the way I did before, and the joy I have nowadays are derived from regular things like swimming, reading by the poolside, barbequing with a small group of close friends, spending time in bed watching TV with Mark (and fighting over the remote control) and most importantly, writing.

What touched me even more than last night's dinner was actually the card Mark gave me. He didn't actually write the words, but I was touched that he made the effort to find such a meaningful card. (Damn... those writers at Hallmark are real good...)

When things are changing all around us,

And the world seems to move too fast,

Don't forget I'll be right beside you,

Loving you.

What I feel for you is deep, total and enduring,

A love you can count on without ever having to wonder.

So when you look ahead to the future or look back at how things used to be,

Don't forget to look beside you,

Because that's where you will find me,

Loving you with all my heart.

Thanks darling, for the wonderful evening, the card and most of all, your company and your love.

Our 6th Wedding Anniversary

Today marks the 6th year I have been 'Mrs Mark Lee'. Mark and I have been a couple for 11.5 years now and I can safely say that the first 10 years had been a breeze. We had a super short courtship (damn... why did I make things so easy for him??) and once we got together, we really enjoyed life as a 'couple'... travelling, eating, splurging on bags (for me)/electronics (for him). All was well until 17 June 2008 when we lost Lucas. After that day, life hasn't been the same for both of us. I guess I can safely say that things started to go downhill really fast from then on.

We do have our ups and downs, but I think the loss of Lucas and Chloe brought our relationship to a whole new level... a place where even couples who have been married for 50 years may not have gone before. It'd made me appreciate and treasure him a lot more after what he did for me during/after the 2 miscarriages. It also made me see him in a whole new different light... I think he'd matured a lot through these 2 losses. I still blame myself for causing 'havoc' to Mark's life.

If he didn't marry me, he wouldn't have lost his 2 precious babies cos I am sure most other women would be able to carry them to term safely. If it wasn't for me, he wouldn't have to suffer the pain and heartache of a bereaved parent. If not for me, he might have been living a happy life that is free from this agnonizing pain, and he won't feel the tug in his heart when he sees babies.

He loves me so much, he gives me anything I could possibly ask for (and more) that are within his means, but yet all I have to offer him in return is heartache and pain.

07 Mar 2008 - The 10th anniversary of the day we became a couple, I conceived Lucas. At that time, I thought that Lucas was the best 'present' I could give to Mark. Sadly, we lost our firstborn after only 14 weeks of happiness.

21 Oct 2009 - Our 6th wedding anniversary, I thought that I'd finally be able to present him with his little princess who'd have been exactly a week old today, but who knows we would lose her too.

I think I really suck at giving him presents... maybe I should just stick to the traditional presents like ties, cuff links, perfumes, belts, and stuff like that from now on.

*************************************************************

To the Daddy of my 2 Angels,

Happy Anniversary Darling.

I am sorry that yet again, I have nothing to offer to you this year,

maybe except my love and lots of tears.

But trust me, although I don't have the courage to

promise you that we can definitely get what we want,

I promise you that I will not give up trying

so as not to let our 2 darling Angels perish in vain.

Thank you for being the great husband to me,

and for being the best daddy to Lucas and Chloe.

XOXO,

From the Mummy of your 2 Angels

It may NOT be Thrombophilia afterall

I finally saw the rheumatologist (Dr V) who specialises in Thrombophilia. She is really nice to talk too... very empathetic and patient, just like Dr T. It's only my first appointment with her, but I feel totally at ease with her and feel that I can trust her. This is one of the things that matter a lot to me now. TRUST is a big word... I am not only trusting the doctors with myself, more importantly, I am entrusting in them my baby, my baby's future, and our future as a family unit. I only wish there are more doctors like Dr T and Dr V.

Dr V shared with me that her own sister miscarried at 22 weeks due to thrombophilia, and she recently gave birth to a baby girl. It wasn't a dream pregnancy for her though because she bled throughout the entire pregnancy and spent the last 5 weeks in hospital prior to delivering her baby at 34 weeks. But it's a happy ending at least. I guess with this personal experience, Dr V was able to relate and understand what I was going through.

I also voiced my doubts about how thrombophilia could be the underlying cause of my 2 miscarriages because I didn't exhibit any of the symptoms... Thrombophilia can cause first and second trimester miscarriage by creating blood clots in the placenta and depriving the fetus of oxygen and vital nutrients. It can lead to severe intrauterine growth restriction (IUGR), abruption, severe early onset preeclampsia, preterm delivery, etc. I didn't have any of these symptoms although I have thrombophilia.

In my case, both Lucas and Chloe were of the 'right' size/ weight at their respective weeks of gestation and they were both developing at the correct pace during all my weekly ultrasound scans. Both Lucas and Chloe were alive when I delivered them, i.e. the fetal heartbeat was detected. The cause of my miscarriages were due to Preterm Premature Rupture of Membranes (PPROM), but we don't know the exact cause of it.

Dr V agreed with me and thought that although I have thrombophilia, something else could have caused the water bag to break. Gosh... I think it is back to the old drawing board again. She took another 7 test tubes of blood from me to re-do all the tests... Yes it was very painful, but I'd rather they do all the checks they can at this stage. Honestly, needles don't faze me anymore. They will also put me (and Mark) on antibiotics once we commence fertility treatment, and if I do conceive, she will give me heparin and aspirin as she would with any pregnant women who have thrombophilia.

It is so scary now that she's confirmed my suspicions that thrombophilia may not be the real 'culprit' afterall. I wonder what other medical problems I have hiding in my highly unreliable body.

** Sidenote: I wore a dress to the appointment today and the nurse who took my blood asked if I was pregnant. This is the 2nd time someone asked me if I was pregnant when I wore that dress. It is NOT a maternity dress and I bought it only fairly recently. Although I really like it, I think I will set it on fire.

The Day a Child Called Me 'Mama'

I was back at the NUH early this morning as I hitched a ride from Mark. He dropped me off on his way to work and I was there bright and early. I was there to collect the results of my scan and blood tests. I waited for a long time and was told that the fertility doc that I was supposed to see was running late. It was fine with me as I was contentedly reading my book and at the same time hoping that if I was lucky enough, I could bump into Dr T... LOL!! It is unlikely that I'd bump into him though cos I don't think Mondays are his 'clinic days', but if I did, it'd be a nice way to start the week. Anyway, I am going to see him this Thursday and it'd be my last appointment with him because he would be discharging me from his care. I wonder why I am having such mixed feelings about this...

While I was totally engrossed in my book, I was aware that there's a little boy on the seat behind me. He was slightly over a year old... Out of the blue, the little tot popped his head over my shoulder and called me 'mama'. I don't know why he did that... and his maid corrected him and told him 'she's not your mama'. That didn't deter him... he kept calling me 'mama' until I looked at him (all the while I was pretending that the book I was reading was oh-so-very-interesting). When I looked at him, he smiled and called me 'mama' yet again... I couldn't hold it in anymore and the tears just came.

Good thing I had my sunglasses with me... but I am sure the lady sitting opposite me saw me wiping away my tears. Funny thing is I didn't walk away... maybe I should have, but while my heart was breaking, I was secretly enjoying the sound of that little boy calling me 'mama'. It was melodious to my ears.. his childish, pure, sweet, innocent voice calling 'mama' was like a drug that I was addicted to. The little one kept trying to incite play with me, but I tried my best to ignore him... I feel really bad as I think about it now. After 5 minutes of this, I gave him a smile and pretended to walk away to make a call. I don't think I could continue sitting there and holding in my tears for long.

As I was walking away from him, the tears came down hard and fast... God, is this how Lucas would sound when he calls me 'mama'? I went to a secluded corner outside the hospital and cried myself silly for a good 10 minutes (and that place wasn't as secluded as I'd hoped it'd be because quite a few people saw me). So much for trying to be 'glam'!

When I finally got to see the doc, the first thing she asked was how I was with concern in her voice... I guess it was because she could see from my eyes that I had been crying. I told her what had happened and she handed me a tissue and told me to just let it out while she patted me sympathetically. It took a good 5 minutes before I managed to compose myself. Geez, how embarrassing to cry in front of a stranger... I seem to find myself in this situation a lot now. Anyway, the hormonal blood test and scans all came back normal.

It was a very eventful morning for me... In hindsight, I wonder something like this happened. Did God feel that my heart is not broken enough as it is and that's why he'd created an episode like this to shatter it even further? Why did He make me listen to a child calling me 'mama', only that the child isn't mine? Why did he put me in this situation whereby I get to savour in the delight of hearing someone call me 'mama', but only in a case of mistaken identity? Why/ How can He be so cruel to me again and again? Is it because I am not religious and I don't believe in Him, that's why he's making me go through this pain?

I wished I had gave that little boy a hug for he made me know how it feels to be called 'mama'. He's the first person to call me 'mama' in my 32 years. Well, unfortunately I did not do so mainly because I'm not sure if I'd be able to cope with it... and ummm... partly also because the area around his mouth was filled with biscuit crumbs and saliva. :P

I have to make yet another trip to NUH tomorrow morning, with Mark this time cos I will be seeing the specialist for Thrombophilia. I have so many appointments there that I am begining to lose track, but I really want them to run as many tests on me as they possibly can before I start trying to conceive again.

Just in case my babies forget...

My Dearest Lucas and Chloe,

We took this photo at Sentosa on Chloe's EDD. I wanted to show it to you in case you forget how daddy and mummy look like...

Those smiles are the guise of an unimaginable amount of heartache and pain that we feel over losing you. But those smiles are also in anticipation for the day that we reunite. Don't forget us, okay?

Missing you dearly,

Mummy

'Ouch' goes my Hurting Heart

Yesterday as I was queuing to make payment in a shop, my attention was drawn to this tray of super cute marshmallow lollies on the cashier counter. There were 4 animals, a duckie, a froggie, a bear and I cannot recall what the last one was. They were so cute, colorful and nicely done that I couldn't resist picking one up to give it a closer look. The salesman told me it's a new arrival that just came in in the morning.

After making handing over the money for my purchase, the salesman asked me why didn't I get one of the marshmallow lollies. I gave serious thought to his question before replying 'I really do want to buy it but I don't have anyone to buy it for'. My own reply rang out loud and clear in my head, it was as if someone shouted it right into my ears. I felt a sudden wave of overwhelming sadness and hopelessness... I would have bought it for Lucas cos it'd be soft enough for a 10month old. I bet he'd love it.

I won't ever have the chance to buy my little boy sweets... I won't have the chance of experiencing Lucas throw a tantrum in the candy store when I refuse to buy him what he wants. All these and so much more... The pain of the heart is a million times worse than the pain of the body.

**Ouch God, this sure hurts like hell**.

15 Oct --- Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

I was checking my email this morning and I received an email from the Miscarriage, Stillbirth and Infant Loss Support Group that I joined on Facebook. On 28 Sep 2006, October 15th had been declared as the 'Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day' in the United States.

Somehow I feel comforted knowing that I am not in this alone, and that there are people out there who care enough to recognise all these precious little lives that were lost either through miscarriage, stillbirth or infant death. It feels good knowing that there is actually a day set aside to commemorate all these lost lives, lives that are otherwise forgotten by the society at large.

When a baby/ child dies, they leave behind a trail of broken hearts and a sea of shattered dreams and hopes in the lives of the people they have touched. However, it is sad that there is not much support given to these families. Society just expects one to move on and 'get over it', and this is especially prevalent in the Asian context. My doc had mentioned to me that studies have shown that pregnancy/ infant loss had been recently recognised as a prominent cause for depression in a lot of people, mainly in women. This definitely did not come as a surprise to me cos I am a living example.

The grieving process is a long and hard one, and the doc had told me that it could take up to 2 years before the pain actually begins to get 'better'. So it's another 20 months to go for me.. Actually I could possibly take even longer cos my grieving process is two-fold. I didn't properly grieve for Lucas the first time round, so according to the doc, the impact is doubly hard after I lost Chloe. This is totally fine with me cos I think I 'owe' Lucas that... I loved him as much as I loved Chloe, so it's only fair that I grieve for him properly too.

I recently also read from somewhere that 'Grief is the price we pay for Love', and when I read it, a lightbulb lit up in my head. I can totally relate to that... and this verse could become part of my next tattoo. At least now I know the reason why I am grieving so badly and deeply is not because I am mad or abnormal, it's because I have loved deeply, unconditionally and wholeheartedly.

The Day After

So the day came and went just like any other days... I survived it, Mark survived it, the world continues to revolve and everyone else's lives goes on as usual, everyone else's except ours.

I lit a candle for my darling girl... it even had a sticker on it that says 'For a Special Daughter'. How very apt.

Unconsciously, I have set up a little 'shrine' for her in the living room... the candle, together with the 2 cards from Mark and I, the figurine which is a present from us to her and then of course there's what I call 'Chloe's roses'. The color of this rose is a brilliant shade of pink, not the usual pale pink ones that are commonly seen. Anyway, I have been calling them 'Chloe's roses' because these are the same kind of rose that were cremated along with Chloe.

The 'Shrine'

(the flowers appear 'orangey here cos of my orange light I guess...)

I didn't want little Lucas to feel left out and forgotten... so we got him a little figurine too. He should have been around 10 months old now and would have been crawling around, so I found the cutest figurine of a little boy crawling .

I told Mark that this is how it'd be in future, if Lucas gets a 'present', Chloe would get one too and vice versa. This had been how my parents always tried to be fair to my younger sister and I. If one gets something, the other would too.. hence there was never any sibling jealousy between us. This is the way I want my angels to be too.

Mark brought me to Sentosa for dinner because I told him I wanted to go to a quiet beach. I wanted, no needed, to go to a beach because that's where we can be closest to Chloe since her ashes were scattered into the sea. We ended up at this expensive restaurant overlooking the waters and interestingly, the waitress showed us to a table for 4 although there were plenty of tables for 2 persons in the restaurant. Mark quipped that the 2 extra seats were for Lucas and Chloe (I promptly removed my bag off from one of the chairs).

After we made a toast to our babies, we went for a walk along Siloso beach, which was pretty deserted at that time. It's good cos it allowed me to cry for a while and say what I wanted to Chloe. I can only hope that she heard me.

*********************************************

Oh and before I forget, a little 'incident' happened at home in the afternoon too. As I was taking the bottle of flowers from the kitchen to Chloe's little 'Shrine', I slipped and fell. Good thing I wasn't hurt badly, thanks to the baby gate that we've installed between the kitchen and the living room. We installed it when we found out I was pregnant because we wanted to be able to separate Hershey when required. Without the gate breaking my fall, I'd imagine that I would have hurt my back pretty bad. I ended up 'dismantling' the gate but with no serious 'injuries' to myself.. Only a badly bruised toe (Mark says if I still can wriggle it, it's not broken), knee and sore bum.

I was holding onto the vase of flowers when I fell and inside my head I was telling myself NOT to drop the flowers. Mark watched the whole thing happening from the couch, and he told me he could see I was trying to keep the vase from hitting the floor. If I'd let go of the flowers, I would have freed my right hand to grab onto the fridge. But I wouldn't do allow any harm to come to Chloe's roses.. would I?

Chloe's EDD --- 14 Oct 2009

To Mummy's Princess Chloe,

Happy Birthday to you, sweet pea...

Today, Daddy and I are supposed to be holding you in our arms, but instead, we are holding you in our hearts.

Today is the that that we are supposed to 'meet' you for the first time, but who would have guessed that we already met you 3 months ago.

Today, we are supposed to be the proud, happy parents of our 2nd baby, but instead, we are the heartbroken parents of 2 angels.

Today, we are supposed to be crying with joy at your arrival, but instead, we are weeping with sadness and trying to hide from the sea of happy faces.

Today is supposed to be one of the happiest days in my life, but on the contrary, it is one of the saddest.

Chloe baby, wherever you may be now, I hope that you are together with Lucas, and you are both bonding as brother and sister, just the way it was all supposed to be. Wherever you may be now, I hope you are happy and healthy. Wherever you may be now, I hope that you know how deeply you are loved and how intensely you are being missed. Wherever you may be now, I hope you know that one day we will all be reunited.

Once again, Happy Birthday my darling princess... I am sending you butterfly kisses and tender hugs.

With lots of love today and always,

Your very heartbroken Mummy

Countdown to Chloe's EDD --- 1 Day to go

Last night Mark wrote his card for Chloe. I have not written mine yet but will definitely do so later so that it'd be ready for Chloe by 14 Oct 2009, i.e. tomorrow. I saw two blotches of smudge on Mark's card, and asked him if he'd accidentally dripped his beer onto the card. When he looked up, it was then when I realised that the smudges were caused by his tears.

Honestly I don't know what I will write in Chloe's card because I have told her everything that I wanted to, and more, on this blog, But one thing that Mark and I agreed on is that we will each list 5 things that Chloe's taught us. I will share them tomorrow when I have finished writing my card. It shouldn't be hard cos I have learnt so many things about life from my 2 babies.

The other day I went back to the hospital to do an ultra-sound scan on my womb/uterus, ovaries, fallopian tubes... just a routine scan to make sure that I am 'normal' internally before I start trying to conceive. It was at the same clinic where I did my first trimester scan as well as the 20 weeks detailed scan for Chloe, so the place brought back so much memories. When the lab techinician was doing the scan, she showed me where my womb was and I couldn't help but think 'Oh.. it's so empty'. There was a baby happily growing in my womb the last time I saw it on an ultrasound scan.

My womb had carried 2 babies... one for 14 weeks and the other for 24 weeks. Sadly, it wasn't able to carry them to term but nonetheless, it had felt the beginings of 2 very precious lives and it was the 'home' of these 2 lives for the too short period they had on Earth. I hope my womb can have another chance at it again, but this time, I hope it'd be for long enough for my baby to grow and develop completely.

Countdown to Chloe's EDD --- 2 Days to go

Mark and I were at ION's food court yesterday afternoon and we sat next to this family with a baby girl... maybe about 6 months old. I tried conscientiously to avoid looking in the baby's direction or making any eye contact with her throughout my meal. Then just before I got up to leave, I stole a glance in her direction and noticed that she was staring at me. As I looked back at her, she suddenly broke into a sweet, toothless smile. Oh God... she was so sweet. I would have loved to play with her for a while, but I wasn't confident that my tears wouldn't start falling suddenly and freak the poor baby (and her family) out. So I got up, held her little hands for a split second, said 'Bye, Sweetie', and fled the scene with Mark in tow. It was a bitter sweet moment... Oh God, is this how Chloe would have been?

As the numbers to Chloe's countdown get smaller, the longing for her gets more acute and the pain in my heart gets more excruciating... I can tell that even Mark had been a lot more emotional this past week. I guess he's also feeling the pressure of my emotional upheaval. He's been like my crutch for far too long and I think he's begining to feel the strain of it all. The psychiatrist asked me if I have been meeting up with people, i.e. friends, colleagues, and I answered her truthfully that I have been consiously making an effort to avoid social gatherings of any sort for quite a while because they sap too much of my dwindling energy. My trust for people is at an alltime low. Moreover, I don't feel comfortable in situations where I don't know what people will ask, will say or will 'advise' me. I can't promise I have enough self-discipline left in me not to poke them in the eye if I don't like what they say.

From her reaction, I think the psychiatrist was pretty concerned, and rightly so, I guess. She encouraged me to meet with my friends more often to cheer myself up, but somehow, I don't think I can cope with it and am fearful of the outcome of such gatherings. Unconsciously, I have somehow 'isolated' myself in order to 'protect' myself. If I can think of an analogy for this, it'd be that because I am a Leo, I do what a lion would do when it is wounded. It'd retreat into its cave and lick its wounds, and probably won't reappear until it's 'healed'. Only that in my case, my wound is not a superficial one... and I am not sure if I will ever 'heal'. Perhaps this analogy would help her understand better why I am behaving the way I am.

Oh and today (12 Oct 2009), is actually supposed to be the first day of my maternity leave. When my boss was in town in early June, he asked me when my due date was and when I'd be taking my maternity leave as he needed to make plans for my back-up. I can still remember that meeting we had so clearly. I even told him that I'd prepare a handover document of all the outstanding items that I was working on. Little did I know then that there'd not be a need for any handover documents...

Countdown to Chloe's EDD --- 3 Days to go

I am sure some people think that I am losing my mind, and maybe they are right. I am losing most of what is left of my sanity over these last couple of days. Everywhere I go, I seem to see babies; Every baby I see reminds me of my losses; Every time I am reminded of my losses, I feel like I am dying inside, again and again and again...

Mark was playing some violent game on his PSP and as he was seating next to me, I overhead this instruction given in the tutorial: "In this part of the game, you just have to die over and over again until you succeed." Couldn't help but notice the sliver of truth in it... of how it applies to me. In this 'game' that is my life, my heart had to die over and over again until I succeed in getting my happy, healthy baby.

Moreover, Einstein also once said '"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Isn't this exactly what I am doing? This will be my third attempt at conception, and I am obviously expecting a vastly different outcome from the previous two attempts. Hmmm... am I insane?? Should I give up in case I kill more babies??

The life coach whom I met with once a number of weeks back had been sending me emails periodically just to check on how I am and how I was feeling. I am quite touched actually cos he is doing all these for free. I received an email from him last week, asking for my permission for him to 'connect' with the souls of Lucas and Chloe.

I didn't see any harm in it, and in fact, I was quite intrigued and interested on what he'd uncover, so I agreed. It is not religious, more spiritual than anything else. It is a concept that is totally new to me... all about Higher Self, Souls, Soul-searching... Here's what he came back to me with:

**************************************************

Connected on: 5th Oct 2009.

Time: 11.28 p.m. to 12.08 a.m.

What transpired: They are still earth bound - meaning they are still with you due to your missing them. They are ok and that you need not worry about them.They love you as much as you and your husband love them. They ask you to be patient and to take care of yourself.

Both are there with you but Chloe's presence is much more prominent and consistant. Perhaps because she is more recent than Lucas. Nevertheless they are there.

**************************************************

In the past, I have tried to connect/ feel their presence myself, but somehow I have never succeeded. Honestly, I don't even dream of them. Was it because I was trying too hard? I think the only time I feel 'close' to them is when I am swimming. When I am underwater, where it is all still and quiet, I quite often catch shadows/ movements on both my sides and feel a presence, especially at times when I have the entire pool to myself. It is not the spooky kind of presence, but something that is calm and soothing. Of course everytime when I turn to get a good look, there's nothing there beside me... only a vast nothingness.

Most likely, it is only a figment of my overactive imagination, but I'd like to imagine that it is really Lucas and Chloe joining their mummy for a swim. If only I were given the chance, I'd have loved to buy them cute floaties, teach them how to swim and to play with them on the water slides. Perhaps that's the underlying reason why I am so keen to go swimming these days... It's my personal time with my babies.

From the results of the 'connection', I am thrilled that my babies are here with me, only that I can't see/ hear/ feel/ sense them. It also feels comforting to know that they both know how much they are being loved. But on the other hand, I can't help but wonder if I am holding them back and delaying them from going onto their next 'destination'.

Can I just be selfish for this once? Can I just be with them for a wee bit longer?

Countdown to Chloe's EDD --- 4 Days to go

The relentess pounding in my head is not letting up even after a night's sleep. It's been quite a while that I've had such a bad case of migraine. In fact, it's been so long that I don't even recall the last time I've had it, but oh boy, it's back with a vengence this time despite Mark's massages which usually works to ease the pain. The sunlight is bothering me and making my eye sockets hurt... I feel like a vampire!! I got to make sure that I can't cry that much today as crying makes the throbbing even worse. Key word is 'T.R.Y'.

Mark sent me an email out of the blue. It was something that he found it on the internet and wanted me to have. I guess it's because I had asked him before whether I am considered a 'mom' since I have no children that people could see. I re-read it a few times and cried everytime after reading it (thereby worsening the incessant throbbing).

One thing that was true about the poem below is that I did love both my babies oh so very much right from the start. From the moment my pregnancy was confirmed, they became the 'numero uno' of my life, and I put them before anyone else, including myself. If I do conceive again, perhaps I need to try and learn to curb some of my abundant love so that maybe I will get to keep that baby.

What Makes a Mother? - Author Unknown

I thought of you and closed my eyes and prayed to God today.
I asked, ’What makes a Mother?’ and I know I heard Him say,
A mother has a baby, this we know is true,
But God, can you be a mother when your baby’s not with you?
Yes you can, He replied, with confidence in His voice
I give many women babies, when they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime, others for a day
And some I send to feel your womb, but there’s no need to stay.
I just dont understand this Lord, I want my baby here!

He took a breath and cleared His throat and then I saw a tear,
I wish the I could show you what your child is doing today,
If you could see your child smile with the other children and say
"We go to earth to learn our lessons of love and life and fear,
My mummy loved me oh so much I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a mum who had so much love for me,
I learned my lessons very quickly, my mummy set me free.
I miss my mummy oh so much, but I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep, on her pillow’s where I lay,
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek and whisper in her ear,
Mummy don’t be sad today, I’m your baby and I’m here".

So you see, my dear sweet one, your children are ok,
Your babies are here in my home, and this is where they’ll stay.
They’ll wait for you with me, until your lesson’s through,
And on the day I call you home they’ll be at the gates for you.
So now you know what makes a mother.
It’s the feeling in your heart,
Its the love you had so much of, right from the very start.
Though some on earth may not realise until their time is done,
Remember all the love you have,
And you ARE a special mum!