An acquaintance from Australia sent me an email a week or so ago asking me how I was feeling, etc, so I replied to her by saying that I find that life is pretty meaningless and there wasn't anything for me to look forward to. She replied to me with a long note yesterday, telling me how fortunate I am to have found Mark, my soulmate. This is part of what she wrote ---- 'You have Mark by your side to help you and to love you and to share your experiences with you. Maybe if you really focus on what you have, this might help you a little in your grief for your two babies'.
The problem is I know this, and that is precisely the reason why I have so much heartache and am in so much pain. I know very well that I have a husband who loves me a lot, and whom I love dearly, this is 50% of the reason why I am trying so hard to give him a baby!!! (The other 50% is simply because I want to be a mom cos I am pretty sure I'd be a good mom.. this is purely what I think only cos obviously I had been twice robbed of the chances where I could have proven it.)
I hope that Mark and I can have a 'fruit of our loins' (learnt this expression from 'Meet the Fockers' - it is one of my alltime favourite movies!!), and I want to have a tangible 'product' of the love that we share. I want to go through the process of nurturing my baby, loving and protecting my baby, and watching him/ her grow. I want a mini-Mark and/ or mini-Shane and I can't wait to see how he/ she looks like. I want to see Mark playing with his own child, not someone else's kid. When I die, I want to leave behind a 'legacy' in this world...
For a lot of other couples, this may seem easy and all natural. For me, this is like scaling Mt Everest.
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