Feeling so lost since the moment I opened my eyes this morning... And I am waking up later in the mornings too, I think it's the accumulation of insufficent sleep over the last 2 weeks. I think even Hershey is begining to find me a nuisance because when I am awake in the middle of the night, I 'disturb' her with my movements and it disrupts her beauty sleep. She used to come to me for a tummy rub or pat on the head when she knows that I am awake in the wee hours, but for the last 2 nights, she's been ignoring me. **Sigh**... even the dog has given up on me.
Last night Mark took out the video camera which he bought (without my knowledge, if I may add) when I was still pregnant. The main reason he bought it was because he wanted to use it to record the pregnancy and the arrival of Chloe. Fortunately, we did manage to take quite a few videos of the pregnant me because these are the only tangible memories that we have of my pregnancy and of Chloe. With Lucas, we didn't even get a chance to take many photos because I lost him before I even really started looking pregnant.
Watching those clips made my heart ache so badly... it felt like it was only yesterday when my tummy was still big and I still had my Chloe. I was a blissfully pregnant mother who is contented and looking forward to the arrival of her princess. Now, I can't even out into words how much I miss her, how much I long to hold her and how much I love her.
Perhaps one day when I am ready, I will share the photos here. These are photos that bring me so much sweet memories, and pain. These photos are the treasured keepsakes of my princess.
I feel so alone in this pain... I wish there's some way to make this pain go away, but if making the pain vanish means forgetting Lucas and Chloe, then I think I'd rather live in pain.
No comments:
Post a Comment