Hush Little Baby

Does anyone know if music can be played from the lift shaft? I mean from inside the lift shaft and not in the lift lobby or inside the lift like the kind you'd hear in a hotel lift?

The first time we heard it was on 09 Feb 2009. I can remember it very clearly because that was one day before I found out I was expecting Chloe. We were coming home from work that evening and we heard it coming from within the lift shaft while we were waiting for the lift to take us up from the basement carpark to our unit. The music disappeared as suddenly as it started.. it just sort of faded away towards the end of the song. Mark and I were mystified because we had been living here for 7 months and that was the first time we heard music... and a lullaby at that. Since we had no answers, I decided to take it as a 'Hello Mom & Dad' message from Lucas.

Although I looked forward to hearing it again, I never heard it anymore after that and gradually left it at that. While I knew that it was a children's song, I didn't know the name of the song and gradually forgot about the melody as well. I was pretty upset with myself for forgetting it.

Yesterday arvo, as Mark and I were coming back from the pool, we heard it again!!! Mark and I just stood there and stared at each other AND at the lift. The music defintely came from inside the lift shaft (not the lift) and again, as the doors were closing, it faded away. It is THAT same song and this time, Mark struck gold as he actually recalled part of the lyrics! I googled it immediately and finally found the song - Hush Little Baby. The version that we heard comprised only of the melody and it sounded like something from a musical box...

Is this our babies' way of saying 'Hello Mommy & Daddy'?

** Lucas and Chloe darlings, your mama and papa will buy you anything you can ever possibly ask for, ok perhaps except that dog named 'Rover' cos you already have Huskee and Hershey. Loving and missing you like always...

Chloe's CDs

I found this CD in my bedside drawer... Mark bought them for me when I was expecting Chloe.

I don't even remember if I had listened to it then. It's all too late now...

I will be keeping this CD inside Chloe's Treasure Chest. **SIGH**

Finally most of the 'entertaining' that I have to do is almost complete, only one more to go for tomorrow evening. I hope the hearing on my left side resumes back to normal before the dinner, or else the dinner will be punctuated with my 'huhs', 'I beg your pardons', 'Can you please repeats', etc... The hearing in my left ear had gone kaput since a week ago and I had been hoping that it'd sort itself out in a few days. It's been exactly a week now and I still cannot hear very well on that side... freaking annoying feeling it is!!

We were supposed to have a small BBQ dinner tonight but the rain had successfully ruined the plans. Just as well since I wasn't in the mood for it already. I ended up pan frying the lamb chops and beef steaks, and boiled some greens so that it wasn't too meaty. The end result wasn't that bad as both Mark and our guest enjoyed it a lot... Dinner was followed by a wine and cheese session. **burp**

Feeling so tired after all the activities... I should have a good night's sleep later (hopefully). Wishing for a dreamless sleep...

Positive Thinking = Bullshit

Yesterday started off on a good foot... I managed to clear quite a bit of work and was looking forward to the annex weekend. On top of that, I had a relaxing lunch meeting at Mandarin Oriental where the hotel hosted me to a lovely lunch at Cherry Garden.

After the lunch, I made the mistake of checking my Facebook account on my phone. In response to the new 'status' that that I had updated in the morning, a friend left me some 'advice' which seriously pissed me off more than anything else. I do not need anyone telling me that behaving and thinking positive will make things better. Trust me, I have been there and done that. It's a load of bullshit and seriously does NOT work, at least for me. I quote this proverb: Advice given after injury is like medicine given after death. So does it help and will it work, I can't help but laugh.

Unless you have had the experience of cradling your own baby in your arms, see her dying right before your eyes and realize that no amount of bloody positive thinking is ever going to save her, then you are not entitled to give me any advice about behaving positive or having positive thoughts. I have said it before and am saying it here again. For all of the 6 months that I had Chloe, I did think positive even though I had a prior miscarriage. I bet many people don't even realize how much courage it takes to do that... just go and ask any woman who had a subsequent pregnancy after a miscarriage. And to suffer the blow of a second miscarriage despite all those crap positive thinking is like being raised to heaven one minute and find yourself banished to hell the next. It sucked big time.

People who dispense 'advice' may have all the best intentions in the world, but somehow many of these advice can be so blase, so superficial and so flippant. Maybe it's just me and I am being weird, but really, I DO NOT need advice. My request is very simple... sometimes I just need to talk, to vent, to let out how I feel... And all I need is your listening ear and/ or a shoulder to cry on, and if it's not too much to ask, your patience will be appreciated because even I don't know how long I will take to untangle myself from this web.

For people who are inclined to view life through rose tinted glasses, I am very happy that you are still able to view life this way. Sadly for me, I have lost those 'glasses' and I have learnt that while life CAN be a bed of roses, please do not forget that underneath the beautiful petals and sweet scent lies a bed of prickly thorns. Right now, I am caught in that maze of thorns, so please don't bother telling me how nice it can be up there amongst the soft petals.

***********************************************************************

Ok ranting over... I think I have vented enough and I think I feel better.

Yesterday, 26 Nov 09, also marks the 5th month since Chloe left my arms. **Mummy is still pining for you and missing you dearly, my precious princess.**

Hysterosalpingogram (HSG) --- Part I

Over the lunch hour yesterday, I was back at NUH to do a scheduled x-ray procedure called Hysterosalpingogram (try pronouncing it!), or simply HSG. Bascially it's done to check if my fallopian tubes are blocked and if my uterus appears normal before I commence on any fertility treatments. My fertility doc was the one who ordered for this test to be done, and she did warn me previously that it'd be rather painful. It was a rather weird and surreal experience... more awkward than painful if you ask me. It WAS pretty painful, but the awkwardness of it bothered me much more.

It was a lady doc who performed the actual procedure, but there was this young MALE doc understudying and assisting her. I guess he'd be around my age, so for me to be in that vulnerable, splayed open and totally unglamorous position for a good 10 minutes was indeed torturous. Sigh... I don't think I will forget this experience anytime soon.

When I saw my uterus on the monitor, again I couldn't help but think to myself how small and empty it looked without a baby swimming and bobbing around inside it. I could almost imagine Chloe in there... contentedly sucking on her thumb and kicking her little legs.

Everything aside, I hope the results are turn out ok. I don't need more problems to complicate my already very complicated and messed up life.

Fertility Treatment - Dec 2009

I saw the fertility doctor yesterday and she told me that since all my blood test results have come back looking 'normal', she'd be starting me on the fertility treatment next month!! She presented the options to me and we have agreed to start with the less invasive treatment first, i.e. Clomid. I guess pill-popping is a lot less painful, less expensive and less invasive than the injections. I conceived Lucas through Clomid and Chloe through the FSH (follicle stimulating hormones) injections. Both of these methods are the less invasive ones compared to IUI or IVF. I am really hoping that Clomid will work its magic on me again without too long a wait **crossing fingers**...

I admitted to the doc that I was apprehensive about falling pregnant because of my past history. Moreover, they have not been able to find out the cause of my two niscarriages. She told me that it is fully understandable the way I am feeling, but she also said that she personally feels that I should give it a shot because I am still of child-bearing age and if I don't give it another try, I may live to regret it when it's too late.

The doc assured me that when I fall pregnant, I'd be taken care by a team of doctors in the High Risk Obstetrics Dept and I will be closely monitored. It did give me some degree of assurance, but STILL, that fear of the unknown is never far from my mind. Anyway, I am feeling quite lost yet again... it feels like being caught between a rock and a hard place... somewhat of a 'dammed if you do, dammed if you don't' kind of scenario.

Ok, back to something less gloomy. I saw Dr T while I was at the clinic!! Again, I was too cowardly to say 'hi'. I texted Mark and told him about it, and the response I got was just one word, i.e. Lame. I called Fion and told her about it too, fortunately she was a lot kinder than Mark was and we had a good girly chat/ laugh. Strangely though, the heart wasn't palpitating that much like before... Hopefully this is an indication that I am getting over this fruitless infatuation!! This will come as good news for my long suffering husband and friends, who have been at the listening end of my nonsensical chatter.

Today is Mark's last day at his current workplace. He'd be taking a 2 week break before starting at the new place, and he claims that he'd spend quality time with me during the 2 weeks (can anyone hear my toes laughing??). I am not a psychic, but I already know what he'd be doing during those 2 weeks:

1) Meddle with the home computer (because he's recently managed to install Mac on it)

2) Play games on his PlayStation

3) Play games on his PlayStation

4) Play games on his PlayStation

The Entertainer --- Part I

Mark and I went back to touch up our tattoos yesterday arvo. Can't believe it's been 3 months since I have had it done... I had almost forgotten the feeling of being tattooed on, and was a tiny bit worried initially. However, once the tattoo artist placed the equipment on my bare flesh and when I hear the familiar buzzing made by the machine, I felt strangely comforted. I actually LIKED the prickly, ticklish sensation. The session only took less than an hour since it was only touching-up. I was secretly hoping that it'd take longer...

It still feels a little sore today, especially when the waistband of my shorts chafe against the naked skin. I actually like feeling the soreness because it feels like Lucas and Chloe are gently reminding me of their presence. Oh yes, and no swimming for me for the next 3 weeks, just as well cos it's been raining non-stop anyway.

After the session, we took a short walk around town while waiting for time to pass... We were supposed to pick my UK friend from his hotel at 5pm, followed by dinner and drinks... took him for chicken rice at this old restaurant at Purvis Street since he said he was game for something local. We adjourned to the Long Bar at Raffles Hotel for drinks cos he wanted to try the Singapore Sling. 3 drinks at the Long Bar costs more than the dinner for 3!!

I guess last evening went fairly well, at least from my point of view. I just dread to have to 'entertain' even on weekends because I find it tiring to have to put on my 'happy face'. Moreover these people whom I'll be meeting are not even that close to me... some I'll probably not even meet again. For 5 days a week, I have to put up a 'normal' front for my colleagues and clients... so Saturdays and Sundays are the only days I can really be myself. I am really dragging my feet over the next 3 sessions of entertaining...

I present to you --- The Entertainer!

Chicken Soup...

Amanda's mom, A, had been 'chatting' with me via email the occasional email, and shared with me that she doesn't think she is as ready for motherhood as she had initially thought. I think she is struggling a little in coping with the new baby. I felt sorry for her but then there is nothing much that I can advise her on because I am not a mom... I can't say that I have 'been there, done that'. All I can say to A is that it'd all be worth it at the end of the day because everything she's doing is for Amanda.

I saw this Chicken Soup for the New Mom's Soul book at the bookshop on Fri, and thought I'd get it for her as a gift. When I saw this book, I couldn't help but wonder when I will ever be on the receiving end of this book? If ever...

Anyway, A had been very sweet... in one of her emails to me, she told me that ever since we started swopping pregnancy stories, she had already viewed Chloe as one of Amanda's very first friend. She said that she used to imagine Chloe and Amanda playing together by the pool, or playing with their little tea sets. She also told me that she is sure one day, Lucas and Chloe will send me their little sibling, and their little brother/ sister will become good friends with Amanda. I desperately hope that what she says will come true.

I told A that little Amanda will always be special to me because of her 'connection' with Chloe... The best part is that A actually said that Amanda would be 'honoured and lucky' to have a godmom like me!!! I am pretty excited about it... I hope that Amanda will always be a part of my life. I got some presents for Amanda for her first month celebration and buying those gifts was a bittersweet experience. I enjoyed looking at/ buying baby things for Amanda, but at the same time, it was a pretty sad time too because I wish I was also buying them for Chloe...

Mark and I are missing our little princess so much. I wonder if they have a version in the Chicken Soup series called Chicken Soup for the Heartbroken Mom's Soul...

OMG... I just found out that I have yet another person coming to Singapore next week!!! Feels like my own mini version of the APEC Summit...

Checklist:

• This weekend - 1 from UK
• Next week - 1 from KL, 1 from HKG
• Next weekend - 1 from HKG

I think I need to go on a vacation after that... Oh yes, actually I am going for a short break to KL to visit Mark's sister and bro-in-law the week after. Hope that's the short break that I need. I just want to go away somewhere. Actually we had originally intended to go to Phuket because a friend owns a penthouse there and had been inviting us to go over for the longest time. Somehow, Mark decided he wanted to go to KL instead. We will 'save' Phuket for another time... perhaps during Chinese New Year.

I am not looking forward to Chinese New Year although it's 3 months away... so going away may be a good option. Guess I will get the same old question from distant relatives who do not know about my miscarriages., i.e. 'So when are you going to have a baby?'. I just wish I can bluntly tell them the truth and hope that it'd shut them up for good.

I am pretty sure Mark's Grandma will also subtedly drop hints like she did over the last 2 Chinese New Years. Bless her... all she really wants is a great-grandchild to bear the 'Lee' surname and I have disappointed the poor old lady twice. I think both times, she and Mark's aunties were so happy to hear that I was expecting... and both times, I have failed to complete my 'mission'. His Grandma had never once blamed me, but I can sense it through the little things she says and I can also see the disappointment in her eyes. I hope I won't disappoint her again for the third time.

Can't believe it's already Thursday... the weekend is almost here. For once, I am not really looking forward to this weekend and the week after because Mark and I have got a fair amount of entertaining to do. This Sunday, a UK colleague's husband will be in town and she's asked if I could take him out as it's his first time in Singapore. I hope it won't be awkward because I have never met or spoken with him before!!

Following that, next week an ex-colleague from Hong Kong is coming to town and I'd need to meet him for dinner too. That's not it, one of Mark's client will also be coming to Singapore next Thur and Fri, so there's more socialising and entertaining in store. Hopefully I won't put on any of the weight I have already lost with all these entertaining...

How can I speed things up so that it's already the next weekend?? Where's the 'fast forward' button??

Do You Believe in Guardian Angels?

This is one long overdue post that I had been meaning to write about but had been sitting on it cos it is a rather long story.

Encounter 1
Mark took me on a cruise vacation in July 2009, hoping to help me relax and take my mind off things. On the day that we boarded the boat, we had an encounter that I have not shared with anyone until this day.

Right before going on the trip, I finished reading a book on ‘Angels’… It is called ‘Signs from Above’ by Doreen Virtue. The author said that each of us have at least 1 or 2 guardian angels by our side since the moment we are born. All we need is to learn to ask for their help… and if we are doubtful of their existence, we can ask them for a sign (or two) to show that they indeed exist. I shared this with Mark and we playfully asked for a ‘sign’ from our guardian angels… both of us are always cynical about anything that is spiritual/ supernatural… basically we like to only believe in tangible things that we can see.

We boarded the boat and immediately went to the cabin to leave our baggage… then we walked around to check out all the other facilities and outlets (even though we have been on the same boat before and nothing much has changed!!). After all the nosey-ing around was done, we went back to the lobby area to have a drink. There was a live band playing and we sat down to listen with our champagne in hand. I then commented to Mark something about ‘wouldn’t it be nice if they played/sang Lucas’ song (Can’t Cry Hard Enough) and/ or Chloe’s song (Love Me)’… then we laughed off how impossible it’d be for them to pick those 2 songs to sing out of all the songs in the world. Moreover, I am sure they would want to sing light-hearted, cheery songs, not songs about death/ separation.

After singing 2 or 3 songs, I then heard the familiar tune of ‘Can’t Cry Hard Enough’… Yes, they were singing my little boy’s song!!! Mark even recorded it on his video-cam (it is the very same one that he bought because he wanted to use it to record Chloe’s birth) and I cried through the entire song… and I was in awe, incredulous and astonished by the sheer coincidence.

After that song ended, we went to make dinner reservations at the Japanese restaurant just off the lobby. Once we have confirmed the reservation and were going to walk back to our cabin, my heart almost stopped because there it was… the familiar strains to Chloe’s song, ‘Love Me’. Mark and I stared at each other, totally stunned and not sure what to say. He recorded it on the video-cam again while I literally clung onto him for support and wept through the entire song (again). If there was anyone watching me, I am sure they think my screws are loose...

I mean what are the chances of something like this happening?? If it was only 1 song, I could say that it was ‘sheer coincidence’, but they sang BOTH my songs!! Out of all the songs they could have sung, they chose my babies’ songs… and they sang it during the exact period that we were there so that we wouldn’t miss it. I am not sure if this was a response to the ‘sign’ that we asked for… but Mark told me that it was a sign that our babies were right there with us on that day, at that moment, on that boat.


Encounter 2
I had been complaining to Mark about the lack/ loss of ‘sparks’ in our relationship. Everything feels like a routine and we are taking each other for granted, he does not make my heart palpitate anymore, there is no element of surprise/novelty… the list goes on. I hope I am just going through a phase… I feel sorry for that poor man sometimes, but I can’t help feeling that way.

So after dinner one Saturday night in September, he decided to do something out of the norm and took me to Mt Faber for drinks. It’s not something that we have done before and I liked the place… it was a cool, breezy night with a beautiful full moon and there was a live band too.

Again, I asked Mark what would be the chances that they’d sing Lucas and/ or Chloe’s songs and he replied that it’d be unlikely and moreover, the songs that they were sang were quite jazzy…

Someone in the restaurant then made a song request and would you believe me if I said it was Chloe’s song - ‘Love Me’?? I was flabbergasted… Mark was too. Again, I cried through the whole song and Mark’s eyes were red too. Thankfully we sat outdoors and it was pretty dark so no one saw us. I honestly, really, genuinely, truly felt that my Chloe was there and that’s her sign to let us know.

That was the ONLY song request that was made that night… sometimes it’s hard to believe in ‘sheer coincidence’ anymore. I am really beginning to believe that there are ‘higher forces’ out there.

** And to my Guardian Angel/ Angels if you are reading this, please love and protect my Lucas and Chloe until I reunited with them. Oh and if it's not too much to ask, I'd like to have a live, healthy baby for my next pregnancy cos I already have 2 Angels.

Heaven Knows

Yes, I guess only 'Heaven Knows' just how much I miss my babies. I had a dream 2 nights ago... In my dreams, I dreamt that I lost Chloe and it was all so real... I went through the all the motions and emotions of the faithful day that I lost her. The only problem was that it was not really a dream, I woke up from it with the sickening realization that I have also lost her in reality.

Last Sunday evening I was in the kitchen preparing dinner (salad) for Mark and myself, and Mark was taking a well-deserved rest on the couch after 2 solid hours of ironing, listening to music at the same time. My back was facing him and out of the blue, he came into the kitchen asking for a hug. I found it strange and hugely unusual because I am usually the one asking to be hugged. When I turned around and saw his face, I realized that he'd been crying. He told me that he was thinking of Chloe and missed her a lot.

Of course I stopped whatever I was doing and hugged him tightly. There we were, standing in the middle of the kitchen, hugging and crying at the same time for our little girl lost. She'd have been a month old. I hope Heaven lets Lucas and Chloe know just how much their parents love them.

Forbidden Fruit?

An acquaintance from Australia sent me an email a week or so ago asking me how I was feeling, etc, so I replied to her by saying that I find that life is pretty meaningless and there wasn't anything for me to look forward to. She replied to me with a long note yesterday, telling me how fortunate I am to have found Mark, my soulmate. This is part of what she wrote ---- 'You have Mark by your side to help you and to love you and to share your experiences with you. Maybe if you really focus on what you have, this might help you a little in your grief for your two babies'.

The problem is I know this, and that is precisely the reason why I have so much heartache and am in so much pain. I know very well that I have a husband who loves me a lot, and whom I love dearly, this is 50% of the reason why I am trying so hard to give him a baby!!! (The other 50% is simply because I want to be a mom cos I am pretty sure I'd be a good mom.. this is purely what I think only cos obviously I had been twice robbed of the chances where I could have proven it.)

I hope that Mark and I can have a 'fruit of our loins' (learnt this expression from 'Meet the Fockers' - it is one of my alltime favourite movies!!), and I want to have a tangible 'product' of the love that we share. I want to go through the process of nurturing my baby, loving and protecting my baby, and watching him/ her grow. I want a mini-Mark and/ or mini-Shane and I can't wait to see how he/ she looks like. I want to see Mark playing with his own child, not someone else's kid. When I die, I want to leave behind a 'legacy' in this world...

For a lot of other couples, this may seem easy and all natural. For me, this is like scaling Mt Everest.

Thrombophilia (NOT!!)

I got back the results of the 2nd round of blood tests yesterday and it gave me even more mixed feelings and I am feeling more lost than ever before.

The GOOD news: Amazingly, this time the results indicate that I do NOT have Thrombophilia afterall. The results show that my levels fall within the acceptable ranges so Dr V said that during pregnancy, these levels drop and become very low. Once the pregnancy is over, the body re-adjusts and there is a sudden pike. So she thinks that my previous results showed that I have Thrombophilia because my body was adjusting itself after I lost Chloe.

Other than a re-testing of some of the functions that had already been tested previously, there were also some new tests included the 2nd time round. According to Dr V, they have run all the available tests on me and I appear to be a pretty normal and healthy person. So the real reason behind the miscarriages could remain a mystery forever.

The BAD news: While it is great that I am physically normal, this means that they still do not know the actual cause of my miscarriages. This also means that should I fall pregnant again, they will not know how to treat me because there is technically nothing wrong with me. Dr V did say that to be on the safe side, they'd still be prescribing me with aspirin low molecular heparin since it had been proven that it has no ill-effects on the baby.

The problem is that I am not a 'textbook case', so no one knows exactly what to do with me. At the meantime, Dr V prescribed a 3 week course of antibiotics for Mark and myself.

Oh and Dr V also did kindly point out to me that when I get pregnant, I do have to be mentally prepared. Basically, I have to pray and cross my fingers from when I find out that I am pregnant right up until week 28. Any extra day after week 28 will be a 'bonus'.

This bag contains the antibiotics for Mark and I... Each of us have to take 2 tablets a day for 3 weeks. I got a shock when I saw the bill, make a guess how much it costs.

Oops, I Did It Again...

I woke up at 5-ish this morning and couldn't go back to sleep, so I just laid there and let my thoughts wander. I have learnt that the mind does really strange things to you at weird hours... While I was lying there, I was suddenly very inspired to make a bed for Hershey (nope, I am not mad - yet) cos I saw her lying on the bare parquet floor and felt sorry for her. I have banished her from the bed because it is shedding season again and I HATE to have her fur all over the bed/ quilt. More accurately, I HATE to have her fur everywhere and anywhere.

She had always been sharing the bed with us and had her very own favourite spot. We didn't put her there... she picked that spot herself cos that's exactly where the air-conditioner is blowing!! However, she's not Huskee's size, so sharing the bed with her means I have to position myself like a shrimp in order to accommodate her. Hence I think letting her have her own bed is the best solution for all parties concerned.

The more I thought about it, the more convinced I was that it is the right thing to do. I even started designing it in my mind. Fully convinced by myself, I jumped out of bed at the ungodly hour and went to the storeroom to rummage for a piece of shiny pink cloth that I knew I had stashed away in a box. It was the remnants of a failed project which I had embarked on when I tried to make 'something' for my wedding 3 years ago. I shall not elaborate on that 'something' cos it is kind of embarassing.

Found the cloth, ironed it (there were 3 years worth of creases), measured it, cut it to the size I wanted and sat down to work in earnest at 6am. I trimmed off the edges and the funny, dangly bits and started to sew. I don't have a sewing machine at home cos I never thought I'd ever want to see another one in my lifetime after Home Economics lessons were over and done with in Secondary 2. So it was down to manual stitching and there was quite a bit to sew cos Hershey's not exactly a midget and I wanted her to have a comfy bed (so that she'd leave mine alone!!)...

I lost count of the number of times that I got pricked by the needle but I was still gung-ho about it. I used double layers and even double stitched everything, especially the corners, to make it more secure since it's for a dog and they aren't exactly going to be gentle with things. Just as I was begining to feel quite proud of my handiwork, disaster struck. I guess I clean forgot why the first project that I embarked on with that same piece of cloth failed so miserably 3 years ago.

That stupid cloth is made from I-don't-know-what stupid material but what I know is that it F.R.A.Y.S big time!! My masterpiece was literally disintegrating in my hands!! All my hard work was unraveling right before my eyes.

At 8.30am, I solemly declare that the project had FAILED (again).

**** Photos were taken before I realized that the project was going to be a flop****

A Present for Lucas

I had been looking out for something to buy for Lucas because I did not get anything for him on his EDD last year (09 Dec 2008). Since I did get something for Chloe on her EDD on 14 Oct 2009, I thought I should be fair and make it up to Lucas. Although I had been looking for a while, I haven't been able to find something that I liked/ found suitable until yesterday.

I was walking pass this place at Vivo City that sells customizable baby/ toddler products, ranging from t-shirts, baby rompers, bibs, hats, little bags, pouches, etc.. You can choose from the products available and they can print your baby's name on it. The first thing that I saw was a baby romper hanging in the display cupboard. It was a sample piece and the name printed on that romper was 'Lucas'. I have walked pass this place at least twice in the past, but have never seen this romper before. I guess it's all fated.

Although their things were on the pricey side, I did not hesitate in making the purchase because it felt like it was 'meant to be'. I felt as though this romper was put right in front of me in my path because it 'belonged' to Lucas, and it is meant for me, his mommy, to buy for him.

I added the yellow date sticker (it says Lucas' EDD - 09 Dec 08) onto the tag and enclosed it inside a ziplock bag before putting it into Lucas's Treasure Chest. I hope my little boy likes the pressie from his mommy.

The Cord

I read this poem on a pregnancy loss support website. Clearly it is not referring to the umbilical cord that links mother and child. I too, have felt this 'invisible cord' between both my babies and me, right from the very moment that the first pregnancy kit showed a positive result. I loved them right from that moment on, and I had my hopes, dreams and future planned for them once I knew of their existence.

Mark had asked me before if we do get pregnant for the third time, would it be possible for me to try not to bond with this baby until we physically hold him/ her in our arms. I guess he was trying to protect me from more heartache and pain should it go awry again. I told him I'd try, but I don't know if this is even possible because I guess for most to-be moms, it'd be almost natural and instinctive to want to love and protect that little life growing in you from the moment you know it is there.

** Lucas and Chloe, not one day goes by where I don't think about you; and not a minute goes by where my heart doesn't long for you. Mummy is missing you, my sweet Angels.

The Cord

We are connected,

My babies and I,
By an invisible cord

Not seen by the eye.

It is not like the cord

That connects us till birth

This cord can't been seen

By any on Earth.

This cord does its work

Right from the start.

It binds us together

Attached to my heart.

I know that it is there

Though no one can see

The invisible cord

From my babies to me.

The strength of this cord

Is hard to describe.

It can't be destroyed

It can't be denied.

It's stronger than any cord

Man could create

It withstands the test

It can hold any weight.

And though you are gone,

Though you are not here with me,

The cord is still there

But no one can see.

It pulls at my heart

I am bruised...I am sore,

But this cord is my lifeline

As never before.

I am thankful that the cord connects us this way

The bond between a mother and her child

That death can't take it away

Author Unknown

Food Poisoning

Don't know if it's something that I'd eaten, but seems like I have a bad case of food poisoning with all the symtoms, i.e. upset stomach, vomitting, stomach spasm and fever. I spent the most of last night going in and out of the toilet and not getting much sleep at all. It's a pretty horrible feeling but I think I lost close to 2kg overnight. Most likely it's all the water so I am reminding myself to take more fluid.

I felt so bad last night I kept disturbing Mark, who was sound asleep. I told him not to be surprised to find me dead when he woke up the next morning. He told me that our Angels will look after me and that I'd be fine. I responded by saying that I'd rather be the one looking after them instead. That's what a mother is supposed to do, right? Alas, I didn't die (not that it is likely anyway, but I can hope, can't I?).

Mark dragged me off to the clinic near my office this morning and the doc gave me an injection plus 2 days medical leave. I thought the injection will make me feel better quite quickly, but it's been 6 hours and I still feel lousy. Ok, maybe not as lousy as last night, but it still pretty much sucks. While the doc was prescribing the medication, she asked if there's any possibility of me being pregnant. I responded that it is 'highly impossible'. Sigh... the sound of it coming out from my own mouth sounds so sad.

I have an appointment at NUH later this week with the doc who is handling my thrombophilia. My blood test results should also be ready by then, so hopefully it'd yield some findings. **fingers crossed**

Pregnancy Test #1

As instructed by the doc, I did my home pregnancy test yesterday morning since there isn't any signs of my period at all. Ripping open the package reminded me of the time almost exactly 8 months ago on 10 Feb when I suspected I was pregnant. The line in the 'window' that marked 'positive' was sooooooo faint that I thought I'd imagined it. I couldn't wait another day, so I called Mark and asked him to buy me the digital kind when he was on his way back from work. On that faithful night itself, I think I used up no less than THREE pregnancy test kits cos I couldn't believe my eyes.

The results of the test that I took yesterday was just the opposite, and there is definitely no need for any re-test. It is clear as day that there is zilch sign of pregnancy as only one line appeared. I don't think I can imagine the line in the other window even if I tried hard enough.

Missing my Little Boy

I have not had a chance to swim at all over the past week because the weather had not been 'co-operative'. Finally the weather this afternoon seemed more decent (although the sky was still a little overcast), and I thought a swim would do my headache some good. The only problem was because there's no sun, the water was freaking cold. It took me a good 10min before I finally submerged myself...

The pool was already pretty crowded when I arrived. There was this Caucasian father with his toddler in the pool, and I watched them for a long time because it seemed like they were enjoying themselves so much, oblivious to everything and everyone around them. The little boy kept giggling and shouting in delight when his dad pushed on the water at the surface, creating little 'waves' that rocked the float that he was on.

I wondered if we had Lucas, will Mark also take him to the pool to play every weekend? Will Lucas also be giggling and laughing with joy when he is playing with his daddy? Will Mark teach him how to swim? Will my little boy be a good swimmer? How will his first float look like?

Again, I felt like I have short-changed Mark. I have not only robbed him of his son, I also robbed him of the chance of being a doting and nuturing daddy, and I have deprived him of the experience of father-and-son bonding. I am sure he and Lucas will share a wonderful bond because in essence, Mark himself is still a little boy at heart. My little boy would be one year old in a month's time and I'd have organised a big party for him, complete with truckloads of presents. I miss him dearly. So much so that it hurts...

When I thought about all these, I felt the tears boiling over. It is a good thing that no one could tell that I was crying because my face was already wet from my swim. So I freely let my warm, salty tears mingle with the (freaking) cold, chlorinated water...

See this body of water? My tears are somewhere in there...

Edinburgh Postnatal Depression Scale (EPDS)

I recalled a 'test' that Dr T made me do in late Aug when Mark rasied to him about his concerns that I seem to be depressed. This test is known as the Edinburgh Postnatal Depression Scale (EPDS) and it is used to screen for post-partum depression 6-8 weeks after delivery. When I did the test, it was around 8 weeks after I losing Chloe. This is a pretty simple test with only 10 multiple-choice questions and a maximum score of 30.

At that time, Dr T seemed pretty surprised and concerned when he saw what my score was, but since I knew nothing about this test, I was not overly worried. The other day when the fertility doc was going through my files, I saw my results. I think I got a 'High Distinction' cos I scored 25 out of the 30 marks. Apparently if you score anything above 13, you are 'likely to be suffering from a depressive illness of varying severity', and anyone scoring anything above 10 needs to be further assessed by a health professional. Oops.. so I think I must have done 'quite well' with my score of 25.

I thought I would redo the test again (online) just to see how I perform now. **drumbroll**... my score is 19 this time. I guess there is an improvement, although technically speaking I still 'fail' the test. But hey, slight improvement is better than no improvement...

And I am reiterating again that I am not mad, just sad (hey, it even rhymes).

Slipped Away

It has been draining day thus far... Conference call after conference call, deadline after deadline... report after report... and mind is not in it at all. I feel like a walking zombie, or on auto-pilot mode. I can't even go for my much needed swim during lunchtime because the sky is really dark and I think a heavy downpour is in the pipeline.

This is how the skies look like from my bedroom window... It is a reflection of how my mood is now, i.e. dismal, desolate and dreary... I guess when it rains, my tears will follow in due course.

Slipped Away

Avril Lavigne

Na na, na na na, na na
I miss you, miss you so bad
I don't forget you, oh it's so sad
I hope you can hear me
I remember it clearly

The day you slipped away
Was the day I found it won't be the same
Ooooh

Na na na na na na na

I didn't get around to kiss you
Goodbye on the hand
I wish that I could see you again
I know that I can't

Oooooh
I hope you can hear me cause I remember it clearly

The day you slipped away
Was the day I found it won't be the same
Ooooh

I had my wake up
Won't you wake up
I keep asking why
And I can't take it
It wasn't fake
It happened, you passed by

Now you are gone, now you are gone
There you go, there you go
Somewhere I can't bring you back
Now you are gone, now you are gone
There you go, there you go,
Somewhere your not coming back

The day you slipped away
Was the day i found it won't be the same noo..
The day you slipped away
Was the day that i found it won't be the same oooh...

Na na, na na na, na na
I miss you

Feeling so lost since the moment I opened my eyes this morning... And I am waking up later in the mornings too, I think it's the accumulation of insufficent sleep over the last 2 weeks. I think even Hershey is begining to find me a nuisance because when I am awake in the middle of the night, I 'disturb' her with my movements and it disrupts her beauty sleep. She used to come to me for a tummy rub or pat on the head when she knows that I am awake in the wee hours, but for the last 2 nights, she's been ignoring me. **Sigh**... even the dog has given up on me.

Last night Mark took out the video camera which he bought (without my knowledge, if I may add) when I was still pregnant. The main reason he bought it was because he wanted to use it to record the pregnancy and the arrival of Chloe. Fortunately, we did manage to take quite a few videos of the pregnant me because these are the only tangible memories that we have of my pregnancy and of Chloe. With Lucas, we didn't even get a chance to take many photos because I lost him before I even really started looking pregnant.

Watching those clips made my heart ache so badly... it felt like it was only yesterday when my tummy was still big and I still had my Chloe. I was a blissfully pregnant mother who is contented and looking forward to the arrival of her princess. Now, I can't even out into words how much I miss her, how much I long to hold her and how much I love her.

Perhaps one day when I am ready, I will share the photos here. These are photos that bring me so much sweet memories, and pain. These photos are the treasured keepsakes of my princess.

I feel so alone in this pain... I wish there's some way to make this pain go away, but if making the pain vanish means forgetting Lucas and Chloe, then I think I'd rather live in pain.

This morning, I received an email from Amanda's mommy, A. It made be cry, but in a nice way because I was very touched by it. I was actually quite surprised to get an email from her because I thought that she'd be so busy taking care and enjoying every walking moment with Amanda.

Apparently, one week old Amanda is back in the hospital because she's got a bad case of jaundice, and A told me that is very worried and feels very helpless. She feels that she is a 'terrible mother' because she cannot do anything to help her Amanda while Amanda is lying naked under the blue light. I feel for her and wish that Amanda will be well enough to go home soon.

I know exactly how A is feeling now because I have felt the same way when I saw Chloe and there's nothing I could do to save her. I felt so helpless, so usless and so frustrated at that time.. I felt like (and am still feeling like) the worst mother in the world. I guess it's something all mothers will have in common... i.e. the innate need to protect their babies.

A also shared with me that when she was in the labour suite, she thought about Chloe several times. I wonder what she thought about, but didn't want to ask her now as she's so worried about Amanda's condition. A also told me that she's sad that Amanda will not get to be friends with Chloe, but she has a strong feeling that Amanda will be good friends with Chloe's younger siblings. I thought that was real sweet of her...

If Lucas and Chloe have indeed become Angels, I hope they will watch over their little friend, and see to it that she will be well enough to go home with her parents soon.

I took leave today firstly because I just felt like it and secondly, I have an appointment at NUH (yes, again) with the fertility doctor. I think I still have almost 20 days of annual leave left until the end of the fiscal year in Mar 2010. I had intended to 'save up' as much leave as I could when I was expecting Chloe because I planned to utilise them after I used up my maternity leave. Now there's no need for me to 'save up' these leave any more since there's no Chloe for me to take care of. I have no use for all these leave anymore, and it shares the same fate as all the baby clothes, bibs, mittens and booties that are still sitting uselessly in my wardrobe.

The fertility doc said that I should be getting my period around 09 Nov since my last period was on 09 Oct. I wasn't being rude, but I had to try not to laugh when she said it because my period hasn't been regular for a loooooooong time due to PCOS. I bluntly told her it is highly unlikely that I'd get my period anytime soon without any medication, so she prescribed me with a course of medication to take if my period doesn't materialize by next week. She told me to take a home pregnancy test before I take the medicine, just in case I am pregnant. I had to try even harder not to laugh because the chances of me being pregnant now is as good naught.

I understand she was just trying to play it safe and it's all for my good, but I have become very cynical of my own body after being disappointed and betrayed by it repeatedly. She'd also recommended for me to go for an x-ray to ensure that my tubes are not blocked, so that would take place in 2 weeks. The results of the 7 (or was it 8?) vials of blood that they took from me on 20 Oct is not out yet, so I'll have to wait until 13 Nov when I see the rheumatologist. Another 10 more days of worry...

On a (much) happier note, I saw Dr T along the hallway as I was making my way to the clinic!! He was walking towards my direction and I spotted him from afar. Yup yup.. my heart was palpitating in full force. He didn't see me (sadly) as he appeared to be hurrying somewhere and was reading a document he was holding. I was too cowardly to go up and say 'hi'... I think I'd be a blabbering idiot anyway, so I better not risk ruining my own reputation. Anyway, this is a nice way to begin the day/ week, and clearly, I am still (so) not over with my infatuation. I am contemplating if I should relocate my 'home office' to the NUH cafeteria... Anyway I have so many appointments lined up and I am already spending so much time there. At the same time, it'd be nice to 'bump' into Dr T once in a while... Better still, why don't I just get a job there?

Horrible Halloween 2009

Mark and I had a really eventful Halloween night yesterday, and it's not in a good way at all. He arranged to meet with some friends for dinner and a friend suggested Sunset Grill at Seletar Airbase. I have heard about this place from DG, and thought it'd be nice to be able to check it out finally.

When we were en-route there, it started to rain (although it was still sunny when we left the house) and traffic became bad as all the cars were slowing down. By the time we reached Seletar, it was positively pouring. It doesn't help that it our first time there for both of us, and the rain was so heavy we couldn't see any of the road signs at all. I think we lost our way as soon as we exited from the expressway. In a nutshell, we were so horribly lost and the rain was making it even harder for us to try and extricate ourselves from the mess. There were floods, potholes, 'killer' camouflaged humps, lightning flashing overhead and we couldn't see anything ahead of us (yes, it was a true Halloween night alright!!), so by the time we found the Sunset Grill, I was ever so ready to go home.

Wait.. things continue to go downhill from here...

The place had an open air carpark, so we had to dash across from the car. By then, I was wet, hungry, cold, pissed, frustrated and silently cursing myself for agreeing to the dinner. Due to the downpour, the restaurant closed up the outdoor area and they were not able to accommodate us because the inside area was already full. Yup, after all the effort of going there, this was the end result. At that stage, I think I was reading to saw off someone's head.

The rest of the gang then decided to go to a shopping mall for dinner and when we got there, we couldn't get a car park. WTF?? Anyway, when we finally sat down for dinner, it was 2.5 hours since I left the comfort of my house. We spent a freaking 2.5 hours in the car...