Brahm's Lullaby

I made myself cry again last night. One would've thought I should have learnt my lesson from the night before, but no... I guess heartache and tears are my new 'Masters' and I am a willing slave to them. Last night, I suddenly thought of the lullaby that we played to Chloe when I was holding her in my arms for the few precious minutes and I started scouring Youtube for the song. I found a version of it which I really liked (by Kenny G) and kept hitting the 'replay' button... As expected, my pillow was flooded with more tears.

Initially when we found out that I was pregnant, Mark downloaded an application onto his iPhone which contains a list of baby lullabies. We'd sometimes play it to Chloe in the quiet peacefulness of the night before turning in. I had always thought that this application will be handy when Chloe's born so that we can play those lullabies to her no matter where we are. Little did I know that although it served the same purpose (i.e. lullaby for Chloe), it was under a very different circumstance.

On that faithful afternoon when I was lying in the hospital bed holding Chloe close and trying my utmost to memorize her tiny, perfect features, Mark whipped out his iPhone and played 'Brahm's Lullaby' because he wanted Chloe to listen to the song that she had been listening to when she was still in mummy's tummy. He wanted her to depart this strange, new world with something familiar so that she would not feel so alone or afraid... and she'd know that her parents are right there beside as she takes her tiny, wobbly, baby steps to join her big brother Lucas.

The doctor and all the nurses had left us alone in the room so that we could spend some personal time as a family with Chloe. The eerie silence in the delivery suite was broken by the sweet melody of that song and my sobs... It was a near 'perfect' family moment for us, it's only 'near' perfect because Lucas was missing from it and Chloe would soon be leaving us to join her brother, leaving behind her heartbroken parents.

Yes, I did want that lullaby to lull my precious baby to sleep one day, and she'd wake up contentedly from that sleep, look into my eyes and give me a sweet, toothless smile. However, in real life, although my darling baby did go to sleep listening to that song, she'd never wake up from it.

I have always liked this lullaby as it gave me a calm, peaceful feeling, and I bet my mom used to play it to me when I was a baby too. However, now I don't think I can ever listen to it without it evoking lot of emotions and even more tears.

When Mark and I were still dating, he used to tell me 'sleep tight and don't let the bed bugs bite'... I always found it so sweet. Now I will use it on my babies because I can't be there physcially to ensure that there aren't any bed bugs where they are.

** Wishing you sweet dreams, Lucas & Chloe darling... Sleep tight and don't let the bed bugs bite.