Starting to realize the real meaning of the idiom 'It never rains, but it pours'... I was relatively 'worry-free' for most part of my life until the recent years where ALL the problems seem to appear at the same time. I think once I hit 30, all my problems/ worries began to surface.
Went for my first appointment with my psychiatrist yesterday and she told me what I already know, i.e. I have depression. It's just that she made it sound more serious than I thought it was, and she wanted to see me weekly for a period until I am more stable.. hmmm... I did tell her that mid Oct will be a very tough time for me because Chloe's due date was supposed to fall on 14 Oct 2009. I am terrified that the day is looming closer. I don't know how I will survive through that week in one piece.
I think I am putting up a very good act in front of other people, including family and friends. I went back to the office for a short while last evening and was able to 'happily' chat with my colleagues/ boss. Everyone says that I am looking/ sounding good... IF ONLY they know the truth. Putting up a false front can be so exhausting, so now I try to minimize meeting people so that I don't have to act so hard... I think I know how actors feel, but at least they are paid for it!
Yesterday the psychiatrist asked me a number of questions about my background and how i was feeling... one particular question gave me a jolt. She asked if I felt lonely. This had never occured to me because I am usually surrounded by people, or at the very least by Mark. But as I search deeper for the answer, yes, I do indeed feel very lonely and isolated emotionally. I seriously doubt anyone knows what's going on inside my heart and in my head, including Mark. And I seriously doubt Mark knows how servere my thoughts can get (sometimes they can be so bad that I am afraid of being alone). After my session with the psychiatrist yesterday, he even asked me 'what is the difference between talking to me and talking to her?'. Well, the difference is she takes what I say very seriously.
While I know that Mark is also grieving in his own way and he is facing his own challenges at work, I feel soooo disconnected with him more and more. He is here with me physically, but mentally and emotionally I feel the widening gap. I have tried opening up to him about my feelings before, but somehow his reactions always put me off... and it may not be fair for me to judge, but I don't think he fully comprehends/ digests what I have said most of the time. So much so that I only tell him very superficial stuff or what he wants to hear. I also admit that I am begining to pick on him for small, unimportant stuff. I don't feel that he understands me anymore.. we used to be able to agree on most things or even agree to disagree on certain issues, but now it seems like we feel/ think differently most of the time.
We went to bed last night with an unsettled argument and till now, he's still not talking to me. Honestly it was a very minor issue... we argued over a freaking PEN. I don't even know what triggered it at the first place and how it became so major. I am too weary to even think about it now and I don't understand why he'd choose to argue with me over something so trivial.
I have more important things on my mind... I know that I can only have complete closure when I carry my own alive, healthy baby in my arms. This is my sole focus until I succeed (or die trying). For now, I have to worry whether I can fall pregnant again, and if I can, how long do I have to wait? What sort of fertility method/s will be used this time - Clomid pills, Gonal injections, IUI, IVF?? How long will I be able to afford the fertility treatments for? If I fall pregnant, will the pregnancy be smooth? Will the baby develop normally? Will the medication that I take affect the baby? Will I be able to carry this baby to term (or as close to 40 weeks as possible)?
So tell me, how does a bloody pen come into comparison against all these??
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