I've Committed 3 out of the 7 Deadly Sins

I was checking my Facebook this morning and saw the status posted by one of my colleagues. This is what she had posted 'Starting my maternity leave now... wish the baby is out'. She is pregnant with her 4th child and her baby girl is due on the exact day as Chloe and she just gave birth to her 3rd child only in July last year. If I did not miscalculate, she conceived her 4th baby only 6 months after her last child was born.

I think I have committed a few of the Seven Deadly Sins because I am full of envy of her and and of her two babies... At the same time, I feel anger... I am so angry with myself, with God, with the unknown, with the rest of the world. Why is it that she can go on to have two healthy babies last year and this year, while I have to lose two babies during the same time span. She has 4 kids... I have none and I am only asking for one who is happy and healthy. I don't even care about the gender or whether he/she will be Einstein. Am I being greedy? Is this really too much to ask?

My colleague conceived her 4th baby effortlessly only after 6 short months of delivering her 3rd one, while I had to go through 4 months of fertility treatments. She didn't stop smoking and continued drinking a few cups of coffee everyday throughout her pregnancy. I drank mostly water and stayed away from smokers throughout my pregnancy. She went for her antenatal check-ups once a month and I religiously went for my checks-ups every single week for the first 20 weeks. I even worked from home during part of my first and second trimesters. She is now getting impatient for her little girl to be born... I can only WISH that my little girl is still growing in my tummy and that she was not born against her wishes 16 weeks too soon. I'd have done anything to keep her inside me for as long as I possibly can just to increase her chances of survival.

So what did I do wrong? Why did our babies have such different fates? Why wasn't Chloe given the same chance at life as my colleague's baby? Why did this have to happen again? Why is her baby still alive and waiting to be born and my baby had been cremated and nowhere to be seen?

I have written this before in one of my earlier posts and I am writing it again because at this time, that's the only answer I have to all the questions above.. The answer is that my poor babies made a mistake in choosing me to be their mummy.