Home Alone --- Day 1

Just came back from my appointment with the fertility specialist. She recommended that we won't start anything until after she'd run some checks on me and after I see the other doctor for my Thrombophilia on 20 Oct 09. I am raring to go and I really hope to be able to start on the fertility treatments as soon as possible, but I know this wait is necessary and it's only for my own good to make sure that my next pregnancy will be smooth.

I also asked her (Dr S) the same question that I had asked Dr T before... i.e. should I give up trying to have my own baby? I guess I really needed to know this because I really don't want to kill another of my precious baby, and I don't know if I can take it for the 3rd time. She told me that with proper medication and monitoring, it shouldn't be a problem. She also said that she'd seen patients with Thrombophilia who go on to have successful pregnancies and healthy babies. Ok so I guess I am not a lost cause yet.

Don't know why but somehow I didn't feel 100% comfortable with this new doctor. I just do not like the feeling of being talked at... I'd prefer if my doctors take a minute to explain things to me. I may not comprehend all the medical terms, but it'd help to know why/ how things are done. I also hate it when they do not look at you during consultation... It's hard to trust that the doctor is doing all he/ she can for you when you don't even have that basic level of trust for him/ her. Anyway, today is only my first meeting with her, so maybe I am expecting too much.

I felt a bit lost and disappointed after the appointment.. maybe it's because I have to wait for a month or two before I can start with the fertility treatment. To me, another month of waiting equates to another month of delay before I can cuddle my baby. Moreover, I have no idea how long it'd take for me to conceive this time. But well, for the sake of my next precious baby, I will wait (impatiently!!). Somehow I ended up walking home from the hospital. It's not very far actually.. maybe 15min by car. I walked for 45min under the midday sun but surprisingly I kind of enjoyed it... I can walk and think about things at the same time.

Mark left for Hong Kong today and this is the first time in about 9 months that I am alone for so many days. Previously when Mark travelled for work, I'd have Chloe for company. I used to talk to my tummy/ Chloe when we have that alone time... oh how I miss those times, how I miss my rounded tummy, how I miss my precious darlings, how I wish I wasn't alone, how I wish I could turn back time.