Home Alone --- Day 3

To my precious babies - Lucas & Chloe,

Take with you all the love you can carry, but please leave enough behind for me to feel your presence; for I will need that love to find my way through the darkness. For the light that was your soul had left me.

Years from now, I will find you again and together we will soar away from this place - the place that kept me separate from you. And I will leave behind my body, the pain and the tears, taking with me all the joy and spiritual wisdom I finally found amidst the vast brokenness of your death.

Missing you so dearly,

Mummy

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I have had 2 'good' days in a row - yesterday and Monday... I thought things would slowly improve and I will have lesser of the 'down' time. But this morning, I woke up feeling lousy and knowing that getting through the day would be an uphill struggle. I am kind of glad I will have to leave the house later in the afternoon to go back to the office for a meeting. I am scared of being alone with my thoughts.

I went swimming last evening and while I was reading my book by the poolside, a heavily pregnant lady came and occupied the deck chair next to mine. Suddenly I felt short of breath and I tried to avert my gaze from her pregnant form. If I had not lost Chloe, my belly would have been like hers... If I was still pregnant, I would have started a conversation with her about our babies and I'd have made a new friend in the condominium. Chloe would have a new little friend too... This week would have been Chloe's 35th week. If my water bag had broken now rather than at 24weeks, it wouldn't matter cos it would be 'safe'.

Thinking about this brought a lump in my throat and tears to my eyes.. It's a good thing I was still wet from swimming so water disguised my tears. Oh God, do you know how much I miss my babies? Why did you have to take them away from me?