The Truth is Out (finally)... -- Part I

Yesterday (03 Sep 2009) I went back for the results of the second round of my blood tests... I finally have the answer to why my 2 babies became angels. They ran the tests for my Thyriod function as well as for Thrombophilia, both of which from what I understand, are underlying causes for people with recurrent miscarriages. The result of the thyriod test was ok... but I do have Thrombophilia.

In a nutshell, this Thrombophilia thingy is a blood clotting disorder... Dr T said that when I do conceive the next time, I'd have to be given drugs (low-molecular weight heparin??)/ injections to thin my blood. Well, honestly they can do anything they want with me so long as my baby is fine. I used to be terrified of needles and injections, but after what I have been through with Lucas and Chloe, I think I have overcome that fear.

And if I do get pregnant (**fingers crossed**), I'd fall under the care of high risk obstetricians... This means a new doctor again... Having to see yet another new doctor terrifies, worries and stresses me out. So far I have been very comfortable under the care of Dr T, and I like the way he takes time to explain things to me and looks me in the eye during the visits. Most of the other doctors that I came across previously don't do that.. and they just mumble something to you without really bothering to explain why, what, how, when... and don't bother to look up from whatever they are penning down in your medical record. After what I have been through with the last 2 pregnancies, being comfortable and having 100% confidence and trust in your doctor matters A LOT. But it's still too early to start worrying about it yet since I need to try and get pregnant first!!

I think having the 'answer' gave me some form of comfort because if I do conceive again, at least the doctors will know what to do with me and give me the relevant treatment so that I can sustain the pregnancy and hopefully have a healthy baby who will be born full-term the next time round. At the same time, having found out the cause also made me sad... this 'answer' came too late to save Lucas and Chloe. So what if I know the cause of the problem now... it's not going to bring Lucas and Chloe back. I also can't help wondering if I had insisted on more detailed tests to be done after I lost Lucas, could I have averted Chloe's death? Did my little girl die because I did not insist on finding out more? Did she die because of my complacency that my miscarriage was a 'once-off' thing? Did she die due to my ignorance?

Even if I do conceive for the third time, the new baby will never replace Lucas and Chloe... it's the same like when I was pregnant with Chloe, I knew that she is not a replacement for Lucas. Each of them are individuals.. they are supposed to have their own identities, their own life stories, their own futures, their own destinies... Sadly, all these were cut short.

I always wondered how Lucas and Chloe would turn out..

• Who they would resemble? Will they have Mark's single eye-lids or my double eye-lids? Will they be fair-skinned like Mark and I? Will both/ either have my thick lips? Will Lucas be like his dad and Uncle Dennis (premature balding!!)? Will Chloe have my skin (which is fairly fair and smooth except when I was pregnant)?


• What characteristics they would have? Somehow, somewhere in my mind's eyes, I always see/ had the gut-feeling that my firstborn would be more like me character- wise.. i.e. feet firmly planted on the ground, stubborn, go-getter, thoughtful, quick-tempered, loyal and fiercely protective of loved ones (that's part of my Leo trait I guess)... My Chloe will take after her daddy character-wise.. hard-working, indecisive, sensitive, easy-going, spontaneous, sweet tempered, sometimes walks around with head in the clouds and with a (very) wicked sense of humour...

Boy, how I long to have the opportunity to get to know both of them... Losing them is not like losing 2 'fetus'... I feel some people treat miscarriages more like an operation to remove your appendix.. more of an 'inconvenience' than actual loss of a life. I hated hearing comments like 'at least it was still in the early stage' (this was in Lucas' case), 'you are still young, you can always try again', 'it was not meant to be', etc ... Personally, to me, those words feel like insults, although I try to bite my tongue and hold back any retaliation. It is not about being young or trying again... it's the loss of 2 lives.. 2 irreplaceble and precious lives.. 2 lives that are teasured and deeply loved... these 2 lives that are the lives of my babies.

Losing them is like the loss of a large chunk of my heart, a loss of dreams... a loss of hopes... a loss of a future together.