My Babies, My Teachers

I met a business associate for lunch yesterday. I have known him and his wife for some years but have not met him in quite a while. Midway through lunch, he asked me whether I planned to expand my family. It caught me unaware and I wondered if I should just fob him off with a 'Yeah, soon...' or tell him the truth.

It was an easy decision actually. I am not ashamed of my miscarriages and I am certainly not ashamed of my babies. In fact, I am proud of them... for the brave fight both of them put up for trying to come into this world and to be part of our family. So I told him all about my Lucas and Chloe, and the damn thrombophilia. He's got young children himself, and as I was sharing my heartache and pain with him, I also reminded him to treasure his 'gifts', for they are all blessings.

I think it's just human nature that you never realise how much something means to you until it's gone, and you never know how much you love someone until you've lost them. But why is it that it takes a loss for us to learn how to treasure? I only wish I had properly treasured every moment I had with Lucas and Chloe.

* Lucas, I only had you for such a short period time... 14 weeks is not enough. In fact, a lifetime won't even suffice. I wish we had more time together, but those 14 weeks were magical. You gave me the delights and excitement of being a first-time mom, you taught me how to love unconditionally, you opened up my eyes on what a fabulous daddy that Mark will be, and you made me realise how much I want to be a mom. You brought so much joy into our lives during that 14 short weeks, but most importantly, you made me realise just how much your daddy loves me and how strong he can be.

* Chloe, I had the honour of spending 24 weeks with you, feel you moving inside me, holding you in my arms, and kissing your tiny body. It is a humbling experience. I learnt so much from you, like I did from Lucas. You gave me hope when life was bleak. When I thought my heart could never accommodate another baby, you made me understand how love has no boundaries. I did not have to 'divide' my love into 2 when you came along.. my heart simply grew to accommodate you. You gave me the joy of watching you suckle on your thumb through the ultrasound scan, and you made me learn and accept that I am only a 'mere human' who needs help from others during my weakest moment.

My babies may have been here for only a very short time, but in this very short time, they have both taught and given me so much... these are things that I'd never have learnt/ experienced without them. However, there is just one thing that I wish they didn't make me learn - it is the feeling of heartache.. The tears and pain of a bereaved mother.

Turning Back Time

This is my 2nd post for today... have just watched the 'live' telecast of Christopher Lee and Fann Wong's ceremonial/ customary wedding on TV and suddenly felt the urge to write something. Well, not about them actually... Today, the 29th of Sep 2009, is actually the 3rd anniversary of our ceremonial wedding too. I did not mention anything about it during my earlier post because Mark and I usually only celebrate 2 anniversaries.. the first is the day that we became boyfriend/girlfriend (07 Mar 98) and the day of our 'official wedding' (21 Oct 06).

** Note: Somehow in Singapore (and I believe no where else in the world), there is are actually 2 types of weddings:

• Official Wedding - Where you officially become husband and wife in the eyes of the law, i.e the time you go to the Registry of Marriages to take the oath and sign on the dotted line
  
• Ceremonial/ Customary Wedding - Refers to the whole traditional Chinese hullabaloo where you pray to the ancestors to 'inform them' that you are now part of the family and then throw a huge banquet and invite relatives whom you have not met since you were 10 years old to dinner (and worry about whether the red packets that you receive can help to offset some of the wedding dinner costs at the end of the day)

Looking at the look of unadulterated joy on the newly-weds faces (and the sparkly diamonds that were dripping off Fann's neck, wrist and ears) reminded me of my own wedding 3 years ago (minus the diamonds). Although we share the same customary wedding anniversary as the celebrity couple, I can only hope that the newly-weds would have better luck than Mark and I in their quest to expand their family.

If only time can bring me back to this very day 3 years back... When I felt like I was the luckiest girl alive; when my whole world was still intact; when I was still blissfully ignorant about how cruel fate can be; when my smiles were genuine and came from the bottom of my heart instead of being just a plastered on mask that I put on nowadays. If only I could turn back time and prevent the deaths of my babies.

Brahm's Lullaby

I made myself cry again last night. One would've thought I should have learnt my lesson from the night before, but no... I guess heartache and tears are my new 'Masters' and I am a willing slave to them. Last night, I suddenly thought of the lullaby that we played to Chloe when I was holding her in my arms for the few precious minutes and I started scouring Youtube for the song. I found a version of it which I really liked (by Kenny G) and kept hitting the 'replay' button... As expected, my pillow was flooded with more tears.

Initially when we found out that I was pregnant, Mark downloaded an application onto his iPhone which contains a list of baby lullabies. We'd sometimes play it to Chloe in the quiet peacefulness of the night before turning in. I had always thought that this application will be handy when Chloe's born so that we can play those lullabies to her no matter where we are. Little did I know that although it served the same purpose (i.e. lullaby for Chloe), it was under a very different circumstance.

On that faithful afternoon when I was lying in the hospital bed holding Chloe close and trying my utmost to memorize her tiny, perfect features, Mark whipped out his iPhone and played 'Brahm's Lullaby' because he wanted Chloe to listen to the song that she had been listening to when she was still in mummy's tummy. He wanted her to depart this strange, new world with something familiar so that she would not feel so alone or afraid... and she'd know that her parents are right there beside as she takes her tiny, wobbly, baby steps to join her big brother Lucas.

The doctor and all the nurses had left us alone in the room so that we could spend some personal time as a family with Chloe. The eerie silence in the delivery suite was broken by the sweet melody of that song and my sobs... It was a near 'perfect' family moment for us, it's only 'near' perfect because Lucas was missing from it and Chloe would soon be leaving us to join her brother, leaving behind her heartbroken parents.

Yes, I did want that lullaby to lull my precious baby to sleep one day, and she'd wake up contentedly from that sleep, look into my eyes and give me a sweet, toothless smile. However, in real life, although my darling baby did go to sleep listening to that song, she'd never wake up from it.

I have always liked this lullaby as it gave me a calm, peaceful feeling, and I bet my mom used to play it to me when I was a baby too. However, now I don't think I can ever listen to it without it evoking lot of emotions and even more tears.

When Mark and I were still dating, he used to tell me 'sleep tight and don't let the bed bugs bite'... I always found it so sweet. Now I will use it on my babies because I can't be there physcially to ensure that there aren't any bed bugs where they are.

** Wishing you sweet dreams, Lucas & Chloe darling... Sleep tight and don't let the bed bugs bite.

My Heart is Raining Tears...

I know I should not have watched it... I know I should have switched channels immediately, but well, somehow I continued watching the program right till the end, soaking my pillow with my tears in the process. I have the habit of leaving the TV on and letting the sound lull me to sleep every night... Last night was no exception and while I was seaching for a suitable channel, I came upon this program on Discovery Home & Health called 'Birth Day'. Well, the title of the show describes what it is... a program chronicling a lady going into the later stages of her pregnancy and the eventual birthing process.

I made it through most of the program pretty alright.. from her first sign of contractions to early labour pains in the delivery suite to the eventual epidural injections and right to the eventual '1,2,3 push'. What caused my flood gates to open was when I saw her lovingly cuddle a little pink bundle in her arms. That image did it for me and I could literally feel my heart shriveling up and aching so badly.. throbbing with a dull, aching sensation and each drawn breath was so painful. Suddenly, my arms felt so empty... something is missing from there and I do know what it is --- it is MY OWN pink bundle.

"They say that time in heaven is compared to
'the blink of an eye' for us on this earth.
Sometimes it helps me to think of my children
running ahead of me through a beautiful field

of wildflowers and butterflies;

so happy and completely caught up in what

they are doing that when they eventually

look behind them, I will already be there."

~Unknown

** Lucas and Chloe, please wait for mummy ok? Please don't ever give up on me cos I promise I will be there with you one day, to hug you tightly in my arms and shower you with all the love that you so richly deserve. Until that day comes, remember that I am always thinking of you, and each of you have a piece of my heart & all the love I can give.

The tears are falling hard and fast as I continue to type... I believe that tears are words the heart and words cannot express. And as my tears fall continue to fall, I can easily wipe them off onto my sleeve, but how do I erase the pain in my heart?

Re-Opening of an Unhealed Wound

Mark is going on a business trip again tomorrow and will only be back on Friday... another 4 nights without him next to me. He was taking out his passport from the drawer when he found this crumpled Post-It note that somehow got itself stuck on the underside of the drawer. I don't even remember writing this note, but obviously it was from me... I do have this habit of sneaking little notes into his luggage/between his shirts/inside the pockets of his pants/rolled inside his socks whenever he travels and this must have been one of them. When he showed me this note, he had a look of raw sadness in his eyes.

Obviously the note was written when I was still pregnant with Lucas and Mark was going on one of his business trips... it must have been written between April to June 2008.. It is beyond me how it suddenly re-surfaced after more than a year and with us moving house after we lost Lucas.

Finding it is bittersweet... Bitter because in the short time span, I have not only lost Lucas, I have also lost his sister. Sweet because it is one of the few things I have that reminds me of my little boy. As I've only had him for 14 short weeks, there aren't as many things of him as compared with Chloe, hence this insignificant, crumpled, forgotten note has suddenly become so precious and important to me now.

This piece of paper will be kept in Lucas's Treasure Chest along with all the other things I have of him.

Dearly missing my firstborn... my 'Mummy's Boy', who'd have been 10 months old now.

Losing Chloe --- 3 Months on

Woke up this morning with a weird feeling... then I realised the reason and what that 'weird' feeling was about. It's actually that heavy sense of loss... aching heart and feeling of hopelessness. I lost the most important things in my life which I'd never recover. Today marks the 3rd month since Chloe left the sanctuary of her mummy's tummy... the one and only place that would have kept her safe and alive till today -- if only she'd stayed inside for a little while longer... just a little longer...

3 months have passed and did the pain lessen over time? - No. It actually feels worse and sharper than ever...

Has my tears diminished? - Nope.

Is there a day or even an hour that I don't think of her? - No. I think of her when I see a pretty fluffy cloud, when I hear children's laughter, when I see a pretty dress, when I see babies... I think of her when I see my lips in my reflection.

Has my heart healed? - No. And I am fairly sure it never will no matter it's 3 months, 3 years or 30 years later.

Have I 'moved on' (as some people have told me to..) - Absolutely NOT.

**********************************************************************************

This is for my friend, DG, who is also going through a bad patch right now. **DG, You know I have been pretty intrigued and mildly obsessed with 'Angels' lately... I know you are not a believer, but this is for you. Hope you can find some comfort in the arms of an Angel... at least for a moment or two.

Bonding Session with My Mom...

Mom and dad came over to stay last night and I was ended up chatting with them for a while. Somehow we ended up talking about a close relative's marriage with her husband. Seems like the husband does not go home every night and the wife does not ask about his whereabouts at all because it has already become a 'norm' and she's given up asking. I don't think they have a healthy relationship/ marriage too as they barely communicate.. One tells lies while the other doesn't give a damn - actually I don't believe that the wife doesn't care about the husband's whereabouts. I reckon she's just sick of being lied to so she might as well not ask. I asked my mom since their kids are all grown-up, why don't they just get a divorce? Why do you want to live with someone whom you don't care about or love anymore? Why do you want to live with someone who lies to you all the time?

Mom said it's a 'face' issue... so kudos to our Asian values/ culture, I guess divorce is something most people feel ashamed of, especially by the older generation. Maybe it's me or my generation, but I'd rather be happily single than unhappily married. Anyway, that's just me...

Inevitably, mom asked about my Thrombophilia. She knows that Mark and I want to try to conceive again and that I have seen a fertility specialist. Like all moms, she is trying to gently dissuade me from it because she knows there will be risks involved for not just the baby, but for me as well. I was firm when I told her that I'd live to regret if I do not give it another go now that we know what the problem is. And I am definitely going for it even if I should die in the process.

It's been quite a while since mom and I chatted so much.. I don't think we have done much of this kind of chatting ever since I moved out and I really miss it. I wonder if I had not lost Chloe, would we also chat non-stop about everything and anything? Will she share all her thoughts, feelings and fears with me? Wouldn't it be so nice if mom, Chloe and I are able to sit down and chatter all day? I know mom would have loved and doted on Chloe so much... not that she'd love Lucas any less, but I have an inkling my mom likes little girls more. On the contrary, I know for a fact that Mark's side of the family preferred little boys. They are traditional in their way of thinking, so a little boy would mean that there is a 4th generation of 'Lee'. When they took Lucas and Chloe away from me, they not only took away my children, they also took away our parents' precious grand-children.

Actually Mark had asked me the same question that mom asked me... i.e. why don't we just let nature take it's course and not have kids. He assured me that he is ok to not have a baby and it'd be perfectly alright. I replied that this is not an option. In a way, one of the things that is keeping me alive till today is the hope and anticipation of conceiving again and eventually holding a healthy baby in my arms. I am so totally focused on this now everything else pales in comparison. I told Mark I will do this with or without his help.. though I'd probably prefer if he 'participated' cos I am not too sure how it can be done without his 'help'!!

Project Facebook

I spent part of the morning 'hiding' some friends from my Facebook newsfeed at the advice of Mark so that I won't see any of their status updates and photo notifications if they post new pictures. After my post yesterday about my colleague's status update on Facebook, I found out last night that a friend's wife had just give birth over the weekend and he had posted up pictures of his newborn just like any proud daddy would.

I know, I know, I should NOT have clicked on the pictures but I was somehow drawn to it like a moth to an open flame. I couldn't help myself... so yes, I looked at the cute newborn pics of my friend's son. He has his daddy's eyes... Isn't it intriguing how this product of love created by 2 individuals will go on to carry the traits and characteristics of each parent? This is something that I desparately long to see in my 'creation' with Mark.

Lucas was only 14 weeks into gestation when I lost him so unfortunately we couldn't really tell whose features he got. As for Chloe, when I first saw her I felt that she resembled Mark a lot, but last night when I went to look at the photos that we had of her, she reminded me so much of myself... especially her lips. Chloe's lips are definitely from her grandpapa and her mummy. They are what my maid used to call 'kissable lips' cos it's thick and full. Sadly, Chloe's kissable lips will never get to give her daddy and mummy sticky, chocolate coated kisses ... Her lips will not get to kiss Huskee's curly fur and Hershey's glossy coat... She will not experience butterflies in her stomach when she gives her first kiss to a boy (with her overprotective dad lurking in the shadows with baseball bat in hand)... She will not get to kiss her own baby when she becomes a mummy of her own.

Well I certainly hope my friend's won't be offended if/ when they find out that I have 'hidden' them (hopfully they won't ever find out)... it's not them, it's just me. Basically I have 'hidden' anyone who has a young infant or anyone who is due to give birth soon so that I can avoid getting myself depressed if they post something up on Facebook. This is not a long term solution and I know I cannot avoid forever but well, I need to take it one step at a time I guess.

** Chloe... mummy is thinking of you and missing you so darn much as your due date draws nearer. Are you thinking of me and missing me too?

I've Committed 3 out of the 7 Deadly Sins

I was checking my Facebook this morning and saw the status posted by one of my colleagues. This is what she had posted 'Starting my maternity leave now... wish the baby is out'. She is pregnant with her 4th child and her baby girl is due on the exact day as Chloe and she just gave birth to her 3rd child only in July last year. If I did not miscalculate, she conceived her 4th baby only 6 months after her last child was born.

I think I have committed a few of the Seven Deadly Sins because I am full of envy of her and and of her two babies... At the same time, I feel anger... I am so angry with myself, with God, with the unknown, with the rest of the world. Why is it that she can go on to have two healthy babies last year and this year, while I have to lose two babies during the same time span. She has 4 kids... I have none and I am only asking for one who is happy and healthy. I don't even care about the gender or whether he/she will be Einstein. Am I being greedy? Is this really too much to ask?

My colleague conceived her 4th baby effortlessly only after 6 short months of delivering her 3rd one, while I had to go through 4 months of fertility treatments. She didn't stop smoking and continued drinking a few cups of coffee everyday throughout her pregnancy. I drank mostly water and stayed away from smokers throughout my pregnancy. She went for her antenatal check-ups once a month and I religiously went for my checks-ups every single week for the first 20 weeks. I even worked from home during part of my first and second trimesters. She is now getting impatient for her little girl to be born... I can only WISH that my little girl is still growing in my tummy and that she was not born against her wishes 16 weeks too soon. I'd have done anything to keep her inside me for as long as I possibly can just to increase her chances of survival.

So what did I do wrong? Why did our babies have such different fates? Why wasn't Chloe given the same chance at life as my colleague's baby? Why did this have to happen again? Why is her baby still alive and waiting to be born and my baby had been cremated and nowhere to be seen?

I have written this before in one of my earlier posts and I am writing it again because at this time, that's the only answer I have to all the questions above.. The answer is that my poor babies made a mistake in choosing me to be their mummy.

Mark's Guitar Fervor

Just came back from my appointment with the psychiatrist... I think it went pretty well, so she's agreed to see me in 2 weeks time instead of next week!! **patting myself on the back** The time that she is seeing me is also getting shorter.. from over 1 hour previously and down to 20 minutes today. I must be doing something right.

Mark brought his guitar back from his home last weekend and my ears have not had a monent of peace since Sunday night. It reminds me of the time in Melbourne when he first bought the guitar to court me some 11 years ago. I don't know where he got that idea actually... I have never been musically inclined and never been crazy about music. At that time, he could only play 2 songs.. Wonderful Tonight and Now & Forever. His guitar playing skills are all self-taught.

That guitar hasn't seen the light of day for the past 10 years and now it's back in action (with a vengence). Mark is learning how to play Tears in Heaven. He found some very useful tutorials on Youtube and is making good progress. Where was Youtube 11 years ago??!! Once he masters this song, I'll ask him to learn Lucas and Chloe's songs (Can't Cry Hard Enough and Love Me). That'd be real meaningful...

Sad Ramblings of a Failed 'Perfectionist'

I was thinking very hard while washing the dishes after dinner. Yes, it is pretty theraputic to be able to be completely engrossed in a mundane task like scrubbing dirty plates. I may aspire to be a dishwasher in some restaurant one day (no, not at those that uses dishwashing machines..). I was thinking about a conversation between two girlfriends, Mark and I a few weeks prior. I guess the general concensus around the table was that I was being too much of a 'perfectionist'. At that time, I didn't know how to react, but after thinking it through, I feel that having certain expectations of the things/ people in my life does not make me a perfectionist (that's what I think anyway).

Take for instance, you have a dog and you expect the dog to wag it's tail when you return home... You have a husband and you expect him to love, take care and be faithful to you (on top of many other things)... You have a boss at work, and you expect him to guide you along and give you support when you need it.. You have a mother and you expect her to dry your tears and clean up your wound when you scrape your knees while learning how to cycle... You have friends, and you expect them to be an extension of your family... Likewise, people will have expectations of me. My boss expects me to retain my clients and do my job well... My husband will expect me to be his demure, sweet, docile wife (which really isn't happening)... My mom expects me to be a filial child and not get into too much trouble while growing up (thankfully I am pretty sure I fulfilled that)... My dog expects me to show it love and give it fresh water and feed it twice a day (preferably give it new toys and treats too).

So for me, I just have more of such expectations, and that extends to the day-to-day activities. Does that make me a perfectionist? I told Mark not to spit in the kitchen sink cos that's where I prepare food. I re-wash the dishes that Mark had already washed because they were still oily and I could see a rim of stain inside. I told Mark to take the stool in from the balcony since he is no longer using it anymore so that the metal legs won't rust when it rains (I think it's been 6 weeks since I have first told him this and as I type, the offending stool is still in the same spot in the balcony). Same goes for the cigarette butt.. it's been lying in the balcony for almost a month).

Hey, if I really were a perfectionist, both the cigarette butt and stool wouldn't be there for so long right? If I were a perfectionist, then my life wouldn't be in such a mess now, would it? If I were a perfectionist, my life would have been perfect, or at least close to perfection, isn't it? Well, I can assure you my life ain't perfect from how I look at it now.. In fact it is far from perfect cos I am sadly lacking the 2 things that would make it perfect... my 2 angels. Since I can never have them back, my life will never be perfect. So what does that make me? A failed perfectionist?? A wannabe perfectionist??

I like to do things the way I want them to be done... and I mostly have a reason for wanting it done that way. Does this make me a perfectionist or simply someone with some expectations? I feel sorry for people who have little/ no expectations in life. It's pretty pathetic if you ask me... The difference between failure and success is doing a thing nearly right and doing it exactly right. Ok, I admit I am not an easy person to live with... so maybe I would be better off living on a deserted island. (I hope it comes with TV, air-con, hot water, etc...)

A Happy Man Marries the Girl he Loves; A Happier Man Loves the Girl he Marries

Mark and I attended a lunch wedding reception of one of our friends (the groom) whom we knew during our days in Melbourne. I still remember when I first knew him, he wast a shy, studious boy who first arrived in Australia to study. Fast forward 7 years... he is now a confident young adult who also happens to be a doctor!! And today, he became someone's husband... in a matter of time, he'd be someone's daddy.

I never fail to cry at other people's wedding.. but weirdly enough, I did not even come close to shedding a tear at my own wedding! LOL... The wedding that I attended today was very touching, especially the part where the groom seranaded his very pretty wife during the march-in.. as well as the part where they thanked their respective parents. The love between the couple, as well as the love they shared with their families, is clearly evident. I only wished Mark and I had also done that (i.e. thanked our parents) during our wedding 3 years ago. I chickened out because I hate public speaking... and I think I suck at it.

While we were leaving the place, I saw a car decal with the words 'God is always with you' on the car that was parked in front of ours. The ever so cynical part of me couldn't help but wonder 'If that's the case, then where was He when I truly needed Him?'... Please don't tell me that the reason why I only saw one set of footprints in the sand was because He was carrying me on His back. I am pretty convinced that the set of footprints was mine and mine alone. If He was carrying me on His back, I am sure I wouldn't have felt so abandoned, so lonely, so helpless, so worthless, so depressed up until today, this minute, this second.

On my wedding day 3 years ago, I'd never have imagined the pain Mark and I have to go through... and I'd never have imagined that our first and second born children would be angels. If only I had known, I might not have chosen this path... If I'd stayed single, I could have prevented the loss of 2 innocent lives, and I could have prevented Mark from suffering the pain of losing 2 of his children.

Here we are, 3 years ago, blissfully

unaware about all the heartache and tears ahead...

"Hello" and 'Goodbye"

A Lament for my Babies

I never got to hear you laugh
You never saw me cry
I didnt get a chance to say "Hello"
You never got the chance to say "Goodbye"

I never knew God chose his Angels
Even before they were born
Your lives were short yet special
I shared it all exclusively
I saw you growing inside me, I saw you sucking on your thumb
I felt you when you moved, I felt you when you kicked

Every baby is an Angel
And every angel is divine
God needed angels in heaven
He came down and took 2 of mine

Although we are not together
We are not really apart
For you will always occupy a space
deep within my heart

Time has not wiped my tears
Time has not eased my pain
When I wish I could have said "Hello"
And never have to say "Goodbye"

Home Alone --- Day 5

Mark will be coming home tonight... cannot believe I survived 5 whole days of being on my own (ok plus Hershey too) without killing myself.. LOL!! Interestingly, although I had a terrible 'down' day on Wednesday, I pretty much enjoyed this 'sabbatical' of being on my own. Friends did call/send me SMSes a couple of times daily (I guess to make sure I am still alive??) to check on me... which I really appreciate.

I was in the office whole day yesterday for a major client meeting... didn't realise I was so stressed up about it cos when it was over, I felt as if a gigantic rock had been lifted off my shoulders... and I suddenly felt exhausted! It's probably cos I have been preparing for it for so long. As a matter of fact, I have already started preparing for this review when Chloe was still happily growing in my tummy. Who'd have known that 3 months later, the meeting goes on and Chloe's already gone. Such is life... whatever happens, the world continues on...

I had mentally prepared myself before I went into the office... yes, to prepare myself to see my other pregnant colleagues, whohad babies that were all due around the same time Chloe was. Offhand I could recall at least 3 of them who are due around mid-Oct to Nov.. Then I walked past the work station of a girl who worked under me... guess what. She's pregnant. She was happily stretching and rubbing her tummy... something that I used to do A LOT when I had Chloe. OMG.. if I wasn't more disciplined/ composed, I'd have brawled on the spot. I missed Chloe so so so very much. I felt a sense of foreboding, panic, breathlessness and immediately fled the scene so that I don't make a complete fool out of myself.

Help...

Home Alone --- Day 4

I was suddenly reminded of this song out of the blue... I first heard this song in the movie Con Air... And when I left to study in Australia, my then boyfriend gave me a CD with this song. I listened to this song a fair bit during my early days in Melbourne when I was feeling quite lonely cos I have not made any friends yet.

Whilst I am on the topic of my then boyfriend, whom I shall call 'B', I think I owe him an big apology as I don't think I was very nice to him... although he was a nice guy and quite cute looking, he wasn't really my cup of tea as he was too straight-laced and serious for my liking... and he had a habit of checking on my whereabouts. I like my man to be a bit whacky, be able to do things off-the-cuff, make me laugh and care about me enough but not make me feel suffocated. Yes, that's how I ended up with Mark... LOL!!

Well I have to admit I broke up with B because I fell out of love with him and in love with ummmm.. **cough** Mark **cough**... Technically speaking I did not two-time anyone, but it's just that I feel a tad guilty for not breaking up wth him properly and for not telling him the 'real' reason... I cited 'distance' and 'differences' as my reason (they sound really lame to me now though!!), although the real reason probably can be described by 4 alphabets --- M.A.R.K... I am still trying to convince myself that a little white lie will probably hurt his ego a lot less than the truth.

Again, I doubt he'll ever read this and even if we bump into each other on the streets one day, I doubt he'd come up to say 'hello' after what I've done. Hopefully he's found himself a missus by now, someone who is a hundred times better than me.

Ok, I have digressed... (see, I was right when I told the psychiatrist that I have difficulty concentrating/ focusing!! :P) Let's go back to the song. When I listen to it now, I find a new meaning to it... I no longer hear/ think of it as a song for lovers. I listen to it with a whole new perspective.. Somehow it aptly describes my feelings and longing for Lucas and Chloe.

So can someone/ anyone tell me how I can live my life without my precious babies? Now that they are gone, there is really no more sun in my sky; there is no more love in my life; and there is no more world left for me. To put it simply, how do I live?

Funny how the same song when listened at different stages of one's life, can be interpreted so differently.

How do I Live

By Trisha Yearwood

How do I
Get through one night without you
If I had to live without you
What kind of life would that be?
Oh I need you in my arms
Need you to hold
Your my world my heart my soul
If you ever leave
Baby you'd take away everything good in my Life.

And tell me now
How do I live without you
I want to know
How do I breathe without you
If you ever go
How do I ever, ever survive?
How do I
How do I
O how do I live?.

Without you
There'd be no sun in my sky
There would be no love in my life
There would be no world left for me
And I
Baby I don't know what I would do
I would be lost if I lost you
If you ever leave
Baby you would take away everything real in My life

And tell me now
How do I live without you
I want to know
How do I breathe without you
If you ever go
How do I ever ever survive?
How do I
How do I
O how do I live?...

Please tell me baby..

How do I go on?
If you ever leave
Well baby you would take away everything
Need you with me
Baby don't you know you're everything good in my life

And tell me now
How do I live without you
I want to know
How do I breathe without you
If you ever go
How do I ever, ever survive?
How do I
How do I
O how do I live

Home Alone --- Day 3

To my precious babies - Lucas & Chloe,

Take with you all the love you can carry, but please leave enough behind for me to feel your presence; for I will need that love to find my way through the darkness. For the light that was your soul had left me.

Years from now, I will find you again and together we will soar away from this place - the place that kept me separate from you. And I will leave behind my body, the pain and the tears, taking with me all the joy and spiritual wisdom I finally found amidst the vast brokenness of your death.

Missing you so dearly,

Mummy

*********************************************

I have had 2 'good' days in a row - yesterday and Monday... I thought things would slowly improve and I will have lesser of the 'down' time. But this morning, I woke up feeling lousy and knowing that getting through the day would be an uphill struggle. I am kind of glad I will have to leave the house later in the afternoon to go back to the office for a meeting. I am scared of being alone with my thoughts.

I went swimming last evening and while I was reading my book by the poolside, a heavily pregnant lady came and occupied the deck chair next to mine. Suddenly I felt short of breath and I tried to avert my gaze from her pregnant form. If I had not lost Chloe, my belly would have been like hers... If I was still pregnant, I would have started a conversation with her about our babies and I'd have made a new friend in the condominium. Chloe would have a new little friend too... This week would have been Chloe's 35th week. If my water bag had broken now rather than at 24weeks, it wouldn't matter cos it would be 'safe'.

Thinking about this brought a lump in my throat and tears to my eyes.. It's a good thing I was still wet from swimming so water disguised my tears. Oh God, do you know how much I miss my babies? Why did you have to take them away from me?

Home Alone --- Day 2

Went back to see the psychiatrist this morning and she asked me how I was feeling cos she knew that Mark would be away this week and I'm alone. The reply that was at the tip of my tongue was 'pretty good for someone who lost 2 babies', but of cos I bit my tongue and said told her I was doing fine. I don't want her to freak out and end up warding me so that they can monitor me... **nightmare**!! Good thing is that the consultantion was only 15min because she felt that I had shown 'marked improvement' from when I saw her last week.

Just realised that yesterday would have been exactly a month to Chloe's EDD on 14 Oct 09. Under normal circumstances, I should have been excitedly counting down the days and hours till I meet my princess. Unfortunately the circumstances now are anything but normal... I have never been in denial that Chloe's gone and will never come back, but a part of me is still finding it very hard to accept. Sometimes I jolt awake in the middle of the night with the sickening realization that my baby is gone.

Recently a client escalated an issue to me because one of their travellers lost his coat while he was staying at Shangri-la Sydney, and they wanted me to help them take up the issue with the regional office and hopefully find the coat back. I can't help but wonder... when people lose their coats, they look for me. So how about when I lose my babies, who can I look for?? A big piece of my heart is missing... who can help me find it??

Home Alone --- Day 1

Just came back from my appointment with the fertility specialist. She recommended that we won't start anything until after she'd run some checks on me and after I see the other doctor for my Thrombophilia on 20 Oct 09. I am raring to go and I really hope to be able to start on the fertility treatments as soon as possible, but I know this wait is necessary and it's only for my own good to make sure that my next pregnancy will be smooth.

I also asked her (Dr S) the same question that I had asked Dr T before... i.e. should I give up trying to have my own baby? I guess I really needed to know this because I really don't want to kill another of my precious baby, and I don't know if I can take it for the 3rd time. She told me that with proper medication and monitoring, it shouldn't be a problem. She also said that she'd seen patients with Thrombophilia who go on to have successful pregnancies and healthy babies. Ok so I guess I am not a lost cause yet.

Don't know why but somehow I didn't feel 100% comfortable with this new doctor. I just do not like the feeling of being talked at... I'd prefer if my doctors take a minute to explain things to me. I may not comprehend all the medical terms, but it'd help to know why/ how things are done. I also hate it when they do not look at you during consultation... It's hard to trust that the doctor is doing all he/ she can for you when you don't even have that basic level of trust for him/ her. Anyway, today is only my first meeting with her, so maybe I am expecting too much.

I felt a bit lost and disappointed after the appointment.. maybe it's because I have to wait for a month or two before I can start with the fertility treatment. To me, another month of waiting equates to another month of delay before I can cuddle my baby. Moreover, I have no idea how long it'd take for me to conceive this time. But well, for the sake of my next precious baby, I will wait (impatiently!!). Somehow I ended up walking home from the hospital. It's not very far actually.. maybe 15min by car. I walked for 45min under the midday sun but surprisingly I kind of enjoyed it... I can walk and think about things at the same time.

Mark left for Hong Kong today and this is the first time in about 9 months that I am alone for so many days. Previously when Mark travelled for work, I'd have Chloe for company. I used to talk to my tummy/ Chloe when we have that alone time... oh how I miss those times, how I miss my rounded tummy, how I miss my precious darlings, how I wish I wasn't alone, how I wish I could turn back time.

A Rude Awakening

I never expected that by writing about how I feel on my blog will cause so much controversy and heartache. As such, I have decided to set a 'restriction' on my blog so anyone who wants to read it after this posting will need to get 'permission' from me first. I reckon this is for the better so that I can continue to write as honestly and as openly as I want, and prevent the people whom I don't want from reading it lest it causes more problems moving forward.

Somehow, I feel that the episode that happened last night robbed me of the only thing that brought me some comfort and solace over the last 1 month plus since I started this blog. The time that I spend writing on this blog is what I treasure because it is when I can have spend some time with my angels; let out my emotions without fear; and unwind the tightly wound coil that is my heart so that I can take another breath, walk another step and live another day.

So what actually took place last night, you may be wondering? I was at this chill place in the company of some of the (very few) people whom I truly love and care about, people whom I have inside my 'Circle of Trust', and the conversation topic got a bit intense. It got me hot under the collar but I have to admit it was a true-awakening for me... a reality check and a rude wake-up call. I know it was done with good-intentions, but I have never felt more misunderstood, betrayed and lonely ever before, and I felt very defensless and pushed into a corner.

It's been two and half months since losing Chloe and things have not improved... in fact, they have only gotten worse in a multitude of ways imaginable. Every breath that I draw is hurting me and every morning that I wake up is a major disappointment. I feel like I am standing at a cross road junction and I don't know where to turn. Should I turn left, turn right, go straight, retrace my steps or should I stay where I am? I don't want another human to 'guide' me cos I don't think I trust anyone anymore.. well, I never trusted anyone fully anyway. Maybe a seeing eye dog would be more suitable for me.

I know I have some dear friends who frequently check out this blog, walking quietly with me and even crying along with me while reading it. I too, would love to share my journey with you for as long as you are interested to walk alongside me. Let me know and I will add you.

My birthday wishlist for 2010...

Had dinner with a close, long-time friend last night and we caught up on each other's lives over the past couple of months because the last time I met her was in Jan 09, right before I found out I was pregnant with Chloe. At that time, I was crying over the loss of Lucas... Cynically, we met at the same place we were at the previous time, and this time, I was crying over Lucas AND Chloe. I think we freaked out the staff at Haagen Dazs cos she was crying along with me!!

She agreed with me that as we grow older, we face more problems. Although she's got 2 lovely kids, she had been facing her own share of heartache with marital problems for the past 2 years. How ironic life is... She has got what I desire so dearly (i.e. kids) and I have got what she so badly covets (i.e. a faithful husband who indulges in me). Doesn't it make you wonder if the 'higher powers' are having a good laugh at our expense?? But well, at the end of the day, her husband is still alive and well, and more importantly the power of choice is in her hands to make her marriage work and her family will become a complete unit. Me?? My babies are dead.. they are gone forever... Without them, my family unit will never be complete because they are irreplaceable.

Then we talked about 2 of our mutual friends and she shared with me that they too, are facing a different set of challenges... one is feeling the strain of being a stay home mom with 3 kids under the age of 7 to care for on top of having problematic in-laws, and the other had a recent health scare. I had been exchanging emails with an ex of mine lately (the power of Facebook!!) and he told me he too, is missing the teenage years where life was so fun and so uncomplicated. The main 'worries' then was school work, exams, whether the person I had a crush on likes me too, the zit on my forehead, bad hair day, etc... How I yearn for those days...

Gosh.. I am only 32 and I think I am terrified of what else life has in store for me when I am 42, 52, 62... (assuming if I live that long..). From my current perspective, the road ahead is a long and bumpy ride. Crash helmet, bulletproof vest, armour, shield, Brembo brakes will be at the top of my wishlist for my next birthday, ALTHOUGH the #1 spot on my wishlist is still for a healthy baby, and hopefully soon it'd be soon.

It's a M.A.D world out there...

Woke up early this morning (by the freaking music from the Tai Chi group downstairs AGAIN!! - must make a mental note to do something about it..) and was reading the papers when an article on the front of the 'Home' section caught my eye. This numskull of an a**hole guy killed a 2 month old baby girl (daughter of his girlfriend and another bloke) after he had an argument with the baby's mother. Apparently, he slapped the infant repeatedly until she bled from the mouth and eventually died from skull fractures. WTF is wrong with this person?? His victim is a defenseless baby who can't even fend for herself!! Where did he find the heart to do it? Did he look into her eyes when he was raining her with slaps?? Didn't her cries wake him from this senseless stupidity? Personally, I hope someone can slap some sense into him until he dies from a fractured skull.

That got me pretty upset and when I flipped the page, there was an article about this unwed mother who managed to go through the entire pregnancy without anyone knowing or seeing any doctor, and she gave birth on her own at home. She claimed that her baby boy was stillborn so what did she do? She wrapped the baby in some cloth and newspapers and hid his body in the storeroom for a week before moving it to an electrical riser compartment before it got discovered by the meter reader. Maybe she's hoping that the body will miraculously vanish into thin air one day and she can pretend that nothing's ever happened.

If the baby was indeed stillborn (I don't know the truth but I beg to differ), which mother would bear to wrap the little body up and leave it to decompose in a storeroom/ riser without a decent burial/ cremation? It really bothered me how these 2 (and many more) little lives were wasted. Every baby deserves to be loved, nourished and protected until they can fend for themselves.

It's really a crazy world out there... Again, I am not religious but I do believe in karma... What goes around does come around - eventually.

Tired, Exhausted & Worn Out.. Mentally and Emotionally

Starting to realize the real meaning of the idiom 'It never rains, but it pours'... I was relatively 'worry-free' for most part of my life until the recent years where ALL the problems seem to appear at the same time. I think once I hit 30, all my problems/ worries began to surface.

Went for my first appointment with my psychiatrist yesterday and she told me what I already know, i.e. I have depression. It's just that she made it sound more serious than I thought it was, and she wanted to see me weekly for a period until I am more stable.. hmmm... I did tell her that mid Oct will be a very tough time for me because Chloe's due date was supposed to fall on 14 Oct 2009. I am terrified that the day is looming closer. I don't know how I will survive through that week in one piece.

I think I am putting up a very good act in front of other people, including family and friends. I went back to the office for a short while last evening and was able to 'happily' chat with my colleagues/ boss. Everyone says that I am looking/ sounding good... IF ONLY they know the truth. Putting up a false front can be so exhausting, so now I try to minimize meeting people so that I don't have to act so hard... I think I know how actors feel, but at least they are paid for it!

Yesterday the psychiatrist asked me a number of questions about my background and how i was feeling... one particular question gave me a jolt. She asked if I felt lonely. This had never occured to me because I am usually surrounded by people, or at the very least by Mark. But as I search deeper for the answer, yes, I do indeed feel very lonely and isolated emotionally. I seriously doubt anyone knows what's going on inside my heart and in my head, including Mark. And I seriously doubt Mark knows how servere my thoughts can get (sometimes they can be so bad that I am afraid of being alone). After my session with the psychiatrist yesterday, he even asked me 'what is the difference between talking to me and talking to her?'. Well, the difference is she takes what I say very seriously.

While I know that Mark is also grieving in his own way and he is facing his own challenges at work, I feel soooo disconnected with him more and more. He is here with me physically, but mentally and emotionally I feel the widening gap. I have tried opening up to him about my feelings before, but somehow his reactions always put me off... and it may not be fair for me to judge, but I don't think he fully comprehends/ digests what I have said most of the time. So much so that I only tell him very superficial stuff or what he wants to hear. I also admit that I am begining to pick on him for small, unimportant stuff. I don't feel that he understands me anymore.. we used to be able to agree on most things or even agree to disagree on certain issues, but now it seems like we feel/ think differently most of the time.

We went to bed last night with an unsettled argument and till now, he's still not talking to me. Honestly it was a very minor issue... we argued over a freaking PEN. I don't even know what triggered it at the first place and how it became so major. I am too weary to even think about it now and I don't understand why he'd choose to argue with me over something so trivial.

I have more important things on my mind... I know that I can only have complete closure when I carry my own alive, healthy baby in my arms. This is my sole focus until I succeed (or die trying). For now, I have to worry whether I can fall pregnant again, and if I can, how long do I have to wait? What sort of fertility method/s will be used this time - Clomid pills, Gonal injections, IUI, IVF?? How long will I be able to afford the fertility treatments for? If I fall pregnant, will the pregnancy be smooth? Will the baby develop normally? Will the medication that I take affect the baby? Will I be able to carry this baby to term (or as close to 40 weeks as possible)?

So tell me, how does a bloody pen come into comparison against all these??

The Truth is Out (finally)... -- Part III

This is the final installment (Part III) to my doctor's appointment on 03 Sep 2009... I feel that this is the most important part... even more important than me finding out about my Thrombophilic condition.

I have always had unanswered questions surrounding Chloe's birth and subsequent death... these questions had been in my head for the most part of the last 2 months. Questions that I wanted to know but was afraid to know the answers because I if I will be able to take it. But then again, I knew that I just had to find out at some stage or I'll never be at peace.

I finally put them down on my iPhone and showed them to Dr T (I didn't dare to ask him verbally because I know I will break down midway... it's not very glam break down in tears in front of a cute doctor...). Actually I think I shoved my phone at him because I was afraid that I'd chicken out and regret later. I did explained to Dr T that I needed some closure and I needed his help with some questions... As usual, he was very sweet and said he understood and best part of all, he still remembers her name.

1. Was Chloe still alive when she was born? - Answer: Yes. According to Dr T, she did open her eyes and moved her arms and legs. (Sadly, I don't remember that she opened her eyes when I held her... or maybe she did but my vision was impaired by the torrent of tears.. I remember I couldn't stop crying the entire time I was holding her).

2. Did she develope normally? - Answer: Yes... at least he said from what he could see, she appeared to have developed normally.

3. Was she in any pain? - Answer: No.

4. When did she pass away? - Answer: Around 5 minutes after birth... According to Dr T, Chloe died in my arms.

Honestly, I defintely trust what he told me, but then again, a part of me does wonder... with Dr T being the nice, compassionate guy that he is, would he tell me a white lie just to make me feel better??!

Whatever it is, I have to trust my doctor, so I'll choose to believe what he told me... that my little Chloe was in no pain and she passed away cradled in my arms surrounded by all my love.

Thank you Dr T, I doubt you will ever get to read this, but if you do, what you said/ did meant a lot to me... I have the closure that I so badly needed.

The Truth is Out (finally)... -- Part II

After Dr T told me about my Thrombophilic condition, he warned me twice NOT to read too much or google about it too much. I guess I must have been like an open book that he could read my thoughts so accurately... So, did I listen to him? Of course I did not!! An ex-colleague once told me 'information is power' LOL!!... Well I do agree with it but only to a certain extent, sometimes ignorance is bliss too.

Anyway, I disobeyed Dr T's warning and went to read up as much as I could... the result? It totally freaked me out! (I am sorry, Dr T..) It seemed more serious than I initially thought and while there are medication available during pregnancy, they only decrease the chances of a miscarriage. The word 'decrease' worries me.. I guess what I really want to hear is 'eliminates the chances of a miscarriage', and not 'decrease the chances of a miscarriage'. And while I was reading up on thrombophilia during pregnancy, I 'accidentally' read up on other pregnancy issues as well... so what did it do? It made me 100 times more worried than when I first started. The moral of the story?? Listen to your doctor!!

I also asked him if I should just raise the white flag and give up on having my own baby altogether... Fortunately, he sounded pretty confident when he said that I should not give up just yet, especially since I was able to conceive Chloe fairly quickly with the aid of fertility treatment. As such, I shall learn from my mistake and I will listen to my doctor!

Dr T had referred me to a fertility doctor and I will see the him on 14 Sep 2009. I guess in the next few months ahead, it's one step at a time --- with fingers tightly crossed. Hopefully Lucas and Chloe will bless their mommy with a little baby brother or sister soon and they will watch over and protect the baby.

Mark was concerned about me wanting to try for another baby because apparently being thrombophilic and pregnant not only poses risk to the pregnancy/ baby, there is also risk to the mom... something about developing blood clots (deep vein thrombosis or pulmonary embolism) which may lead to maternal death. Knowing about this actually is the least of my worries. I think currently I am just too focused on trying to get pregnant again. I really miss all my pregnancy symptoms.. and feeling a life inside me. I can't even put into words how much I miss the feeling of Chloe moving in me.. It's a feeling that I will always treasure and never forget. If I could/ have to give up my life for Lucas, Chloe and/or my future baby/ babies, I would do it without hesitation.

I guess for now, I can only put my faith in medical science.. and in God.

The Truth is Out (finally)... -- Part I

Yesterday (03 Sep 2009) I went back for the results of the second round of my blood tests... I finally have the answer to why my 2 babies became angels. They ran the tests for my Thyriod function as well as for Thrombophilia, both of which from what I understand, are underlying causes for people with recurrent miscarriages. The result of the thyriod test was ok... but I do have Thrombophilia.

In a nutshell, this Thrombophilia thingy is a blood clotting disorder... Dr T said that when I do conceive the next time, I'd have to be given drugs (low-molecular weight heparin??)/ injections to thin my blood. Well, honestly they can do anything they want with me so long as my baby is fine. I used to be terrified of needles and injections, but after what I have been through with Lucas and Chloe, I think I have overcome that fear.

And if I do get pregnant (**fingers crossed**), I'd fall under the care of high risk obstetricians... This means a new doctor again... Having to see yet another new doctor terrifies, worries and stresses me out. So far I have been very comfortable under the care of Dr T, and I like the way he takes time to explain things to me and looks me in the eye during the visits. Most of the other doctors that I came across previously don't do that.. and they just mumble something to you without really bothering to explain why, what, how, when... and don't bother to look up from whatever they are penning down in your medical record. After what I have been through with the last 2 pregnancies, being comfortable and having 100% confidence and trust in your doctor matters A LOT. But it's still too early to start worrying about it yet since I need to try and get pregnant first!!

I think having the 'answer' gave me some form of comfort because if I do conceive again, at least the doctors will know what to do with me and give me the relevant treatment so that I can sustain the pregnancy and hopefully have a healthy baby who will be born full-term the next time round. At the same time, having found out the cause also made me sad... this 'answer' came too late to save Lucas and Chloe. So what if I know the cause of the problem now... it's not going to bring Lucas and Chloe back. I also can't help wondering if I had insisted on more detailed tests to be done after I lost Lucas, could I have averted Chloe's death? Did my little girl die because I did not insist on finding out more? Did she die because of my complacency that my miscarriage was a 'once-off' thing? Did she die due to my ignorance?

Even if I do conceive for the third time, the new baby will never replace Lucas and Chloe... it's the same like when I was pregnant with Chloe, I knew that she is not a replacement for Lucas. Each of them are individuals.. they are supposed to have their own identities, their own life stories, their own futures, their own destinies... Sadly, all these were cut short.

I always wondered how Lucas and Chloe would turn out..

• Who they would resemble? Will they have Mark's single eye-lids or my double eye-lids? Will they be fair-skinned like Mark and I? Will both/ either have my thick lips? Will Lucas be like his dad and Uncle Dennis (premature balding!!)? Will Chloe have my skin (which is fairly fair and smooth except when I was pregnant)?


• What characteristics they would have? Somehow, somewhere in my mind's eyes, I always see/ had the gut-feeling that my firstborn would be more like me character- wise.. i.e. feet firmly planted on the ground, stubborn, go-getter, thoughtful, quick-tempered, loyal and fiercely protective of loved ones (that's part of my Leo trait I guess)... My Chloe will take after her daddy character-wise.. hard-working, indecisive, sensitive, easy-going, spontaneous, sweet tempered, sometimes walks around with head in the clouds and with a (very) wicked sense of humour...

Boy, how I long to have the opportunity to get to know both of them... Losing them is not like losing 2 'fetus'... I feel some people treat miscarriages more like an operation to remove your appendix.. more of an 'inconvenience' than actual loss of a life. I hated hearing comments like 'at least it was still in the early stage' (this was in Lucas' case), 'you are still young, you can always try again', 'it was not meant to be', etc ... Personally, to me, those words feel like insults, although I try to bite my tongue and hold back any retaliation. It is not about being young or trying again... it's the loss of 2 lives.. 2 irreplaceble and precious lives.. 2 lives that are teasured and deeply loved... these 2 lives that are the lives of my babies.

Losing them is like the loss of a large chunk of my heart, a loss of dreams... a loss of hopes... a loss of a future together.

Mummy's Grand Plan -- Part II

For once, I did not disappoint my babies. I went ahead and did the tattoo!! It was defintely not painful at all... I seriously think it's over-rated. Well, it's either that the people that they show on Miami Ink/ LA Ink were exaggerating or I picked an 'unpainful' part of my body to do it. Or is it because I have gone through a pain that hurt me so much, nothing else can be compared?

Many people have asked me 'Isn't it painful?'... my reply is always 'Nothing can be more painful than going through labour pains and labour, and knowing fully well that I won't have a baby to bring home at the end of it'. I went through that pain twice. That pain is so cold, so heart-wrenching that you feel like every drop of blood is squeezed dry from your heart... and you just wish that it'd stop beating. (If there's a better way to describe it, it's like the 'Dementors' in Harry Potter... you feel like all your soul and happiness are being sucked dry and that you will never be happy ever again... yes, I am a Harry Potter fan).

After I had it done, Mark liked it so much he too ended up having the same thing done on his left shoulder. He'd been gleefully telling me that 'I have got my angels on my shoulder watching over me'...

The pic below was taken at the tattoo parlour immediately after it'd been completed, that's why it's still looking a little red and puffy.

This was taken about 1 week after it was done... It looks perfect to me.

I'd have to admit that tattooing can be quite addictive... although Mark and I have made it very clear to each other than we'd never tattoo each other's name (look at Angelina Jolie and her 'Billy Bob' tattoo). Well, you'd never know what happens in the future right? I'm somewhat happy that Mark has the same tattoo.. and it is not because it's a lovey-dovey 'matching' couple thingy. Whether we remain together for eternity or if we split and remarry, Lucas and Chloe will forever be OUR babies. They belong to us and will always be a part of us which no one/ nothing can ever change.

I am so glad I had the tattoo done... there's almost a sense of relief that came with it.. I know I will never forget them and they will always be a part of me no matter what, but maybe because the tattoo is something tangible that I can look at, it brings me immense comfort knowing that Lucas and Chloe will always be with me. (And when they are not busy watching over Mark's shoulder, maybe they can watch over me and bless me with a little baby that I can keep by my side this time).