The Last day of 2010

Ok this will be my last 'Christmas 2010' post cos I think I have gone on for long enough. To wrap things up, I'd like to introduce my Gingerbread family. Unfortunately I didn't make them because I am hopeless with baking, they are made by a friend (the same one who gave Mark his angel cufflinks).

These cookies were given to me before Christmas, but I have not eaten them because I simply couldn't bear to. The reason I can't bear to eat them is not only because they are cute, but because of what it symbolizes - Daddy, Mummy, Lucas and Chloe (we are short of the 'little one' because the friend doesn't know about my most recent loss last month). Anyway the 'family' is now stored in my freezer... I wonder how long I can preserve them for??

Below are some photos of what Mark and I got up to on Christmas Eve...


On this last day of 2010, I look back at the past 364 days and realize that I have not achieved anything other than the following (which aren't exactly 'accomplishments' by any normal person's standards) -

• Quit the job I love after 10 years
• Underwent through 4 cycles of fertility program
• Gotten pregnant for all of 5 weeks before losing it

In this year, I have argued/fought with Mark for more times than I can remember in our 12 years together, but after each major fight, we realize just how much we love each other and why we are still together. I only hope that this love does not run out...

Angels on your Sleeves... (and in your Heart)

One of the presents that Mark received from one of our close friends this Christmas is this pair of angel cufflinks. This friend of ours knows what we went through with Lucas and Chloe, hence she told me that when she saw these cufflinks, she knew she definitely had to get them for Mark.

I can see how delighted Mark was when he opened up the package and I can't wait to see him use them...

Mark and I received Christmas cards, one each from Lucas and Chloe (ok actually they are from my dear sister. Once again she got cards for us on behalf of Lucas and Chloe). Those cards are so pretty and they touched us so much. I couldn't ask for anything more, maybe other than wishing that the cards are really from them.

Cards for Daddy...

Cards for Mummy...

On the morning of Christmas Eve when I was putting up my post for that day (the one of the song by Karen Carpenter - Merry Christmas Darling), I was listening to the song on repeat mode. This is because the lyrics seemed to convey exactly how I had been feeling during the lead-up to Christmas and it also expresses my message to my Angels. Obviously this song had been around for ages... actually it was written in 1970, before I was born. Interestingly, I have only heard this song for the first time late last month, and from the moment I heard it, I fell in love with it.

As I was listening to the song and putting the post for that day together, I was actually in tears because I really miss Lucas and Chloe so very much and my heart was hurting like crazy. Special occasions and festive seasons are always the hardest time when the ones you love are no longer with you. I know it is totally irrational, but from the depths of my despair, I actually (again) asked my Angels for a sign that they are with us this Christmas.

Late that night when Mark and I were in the car on the way to a friend's house for the Christmas countdown, we heard this song being played on the radio!! Since it was Christmas Eve, it shouldn't be too much of a surprise that radio stations play this song, but for the timing to be so perfect is somewhat beyond me... it was barely 5 minutes after we got into the car that we heard the song.

Once again, I don't know if this is purely a coincidence, but my initial disbelief (and more tears) eventually made way for a strange sense of calm and peace upon knowing that my Angels are with me on Christmas Eve. I am missing you dearly, my babies... thanks for letting mummy know that you are around.

Christmas Day 2010 --- Part II

Candles that I lit on Christmas night for my Angels.

This candle is for Opy, the Gruffpuppy who's

spending her first Christmas in Heaven...

Mark says if I light anymore candles, I will surely set our apartment on fire. I sure hope not.

Christmas Day 2010 --- Part I

Merry Christmas Darling (s)

For my precious Angels... there's no place I wish to be now, except to be right where you are. Missing you could turn from pain to pleasure, if I knew you were missing me too.

Merry Christmas Darling --- Karen Carpenter

Greeting cards have all been sent
The Christmas rush is through
But I still have one wish to make
A special one for you

Merry Christmas, darling
We're apart, that's true
But I can dream
And in my dreams
I'm Christmasing with you

Holidays are joyful
There's always something new
But every day's a holiday
When I'm near to you

The lights on my tree
I wish you could see
I wish it every day

The logs on the fire
Fill me with desire
To see you and to say
That I wish you Merry Christmas (Merry Christmas, darling)
Happy New Year too

I've just one wish
On this Christmas Eve (On this Christmas Eve)
I wish I were with you

The logs on the fire
Fill me with desire
To see you and to say
That I wish you Merry Christmas (Merry Christmas, darling)
Happy New Year too

I've just one wish
On this Christmas Eve (On this Christmas Eve)
I wish I were with you
I wish I were with you
Merry Christmas, darling

Everyone seems so happy and jovial at this time of the year, but it seems like the happier the mood is around me, the more depressed I feel. Sometimes I feel like a outsider looking in, and while I do try my best to participate in social gatherings and all the festivities, I can't help but feel like a stranger. Doesn't make any sense, does it?

Making matters worse, a dear friend of mine lost her doggie rather suddenly last night and the news make everything even more drab. Given the fact that I am more 'emo' during this period, and being a dog lover and an owner of 2 dogs, I know that saying the final goodbye to your best friend isn't at all easy. My heart goes out to the family while they cope with the sudden loss of Opy, also fondly known as the GruffPuppy.

To anyone who has loved and lost -

“The risk of love is loss, and the price of loss is grief. But the pain of grief is only a shadow when compared with the pain of never risking love.” --- Hilary Stanton Zunin

After losing Lucas and Chloe, I have become a lot more reserved with my feelings... I have loved both of them unconditionally and whole-heartedly, and my 'reward' was a shattered heart on both occasions. I will never forget this kind of pain for as long as I live. Now I am afraid of loving anyone too much for fear that they will leave me one day. I consciously try to 'withhold' my love and build a wall around myself as 'self-protection' just so that the pain would be lesser should the person leave me. It is indeed a fearful thing to love what death can touch, and this is why if given a chance, I'd want to be selfish for once and hope that death can take me before it takes any of my loved ones so that I don't have to deal with the pain and heartache afterwards.

Merry Christmas, Darlings, wherever you are.

Lonely this Christmas

Try to imagine
A house that's not a home
Try to imagine
A Christmas all alone
That's where I'll be
Since you left me
My tears could melt the snow
What can I do without you?
I got no place, no place to go

It'll be lonely this Christmas
Without you to hold
It'll be lonely this Christmas
Lonely and cold
It'll be cold, so cold
Without you to hold
This Christmas

Each time I remember
The day you went away
and how I would listen
to the things you had to say
I just break down
as I look around
and the only things I see
are loneliness and emptyness
and an unlit Christmas tree

It'll be lonely this Christmas
Without you to hold
It'll be lonely this Christmas
Lonely and cold
It'll be cold, so cold
Without you to hold
This Christmas

(spoken verse)
Do You remember last year
When You and I were together
We never thought there'd be an end
and I rember looking at you then
and I remember thinking
That Chrismas must have been made for us
Cause Darling this is the time of year
That you really, you really need love
When it means so very, very much

(Spoken over Chorus)
So it'll be so lonely this Christmas
Without you to hold
It'll be so very lonely
Lonely and cold

It'll be lonely this Christmas
Without you to hold
It'll be lonely this Christmas
Lonely and cold
It'll be cold, so cold
Without you to hold
This Christmas

It'll be cold, so cold
Without you to hold
This Christmas

Merry Chrismas, Darling
Wherever you are

Christmas 2010

I bought this pair of tealight holders for Lucas and Chloe as their gifts for Christmas 2010. I knew that I wanted them from the moment I saw them because of what's written. Lucas and Chloe both gave me hope and immense joy at some stage of my life, and this is what I wish for them and for myself in the new year ahead.

Their gifts from Christmas 2009 (Christmas stockings) together with Christmas 2010's...

Since we had a number of friends who came over to our place, I made an effort to do some light decorations to the house to make it look more 'Christmassy'... I vetoed Mark's suggestion to get a Christmas tree because I prefer the real ones to the artificial ones (ooohh.. I love the smell of a real Christmas tree!!), but I didn't want the hassle of cleaning up after it and I think they don't come cheap.

Our guest came and went, and during the short time he was with us, we had a very hectic and packed schedule. Mark and I both agreed that we haven't had such a activity filled (read: exhausting) day in a very long time.

Mark's cousin made a rather last minute request to go to the zoo, and much as we dreaded it (due to the heat, school holiday crowd, etc), we took our guest there. There was A LOT of walking involved.. I don't remember the last time I have walked so much (or perspired as much).

Breakdown of events for yesterday:

• 9am - Prepare breakfast
• 10.30am - Wash up and get ready to leave the house
• 11.30pm - Leave the house for the Zoo
• 12pm - Arrive at the Zoo (there was a freaking long queue for the admission tickets)
• 1pm - Enter the Zoo (finally)
• 4.30pm - Leave the Zoo for my friend's place (to drop off Christmas pressies)
• 5.45pm - Leave friend's house to go for early dinner
• 6.45pm - Leave for the Airport
• 7.45pm - Leave Airport for Home Sweet Home
• 8.30pm - Arrive home (followed by cleaning up the guest room, guest toilet, etc)
• 10pm - Snooze-time

At least I was fortunate enough to be able to sleep in this morning while poor Mark has to drag himself to work. However, today is going to be a housework filled day because I didn't get much done over the weekend. First up? Laundry followed by ironing.

Once more, my 'theory' has been proven right yet again - What Mr Lee wants, Mr Lee gets (with the exception of a baby). Whenever Mark really wants something, nothing can stand in his way and he will bulldoze anyone/ anything that stands in his path. In this instance, despite my repeated warnings against splurging on a big ticket item, i.e. a MacBook Air, Mark went ahead and bought it anyway. I am trying to be more frugal in my expenses, but my dear husband obviously thinks otherwise.

Whenever Mark has a new gadget, he'd spend A LOT of time poring over it, which is exactly the case for all of last night and most of today. Sometimes I think my husband is like a little kid... Could this be why we don't have any real kids yet cos I am barely coping with this overaged one?

I found the one thing that can possibly cheer me up a little... other than to find out that I am pregnant again, but considering the fact that I have barely recovered from the last miscarriage, this is impossible. So this ring is the next best thing. Love the unique design... the band is actually made up of 3 individual rings encrusted with loose diamonds.

I don't think Mark was the least bit amused unfortunately...

A Sign from our Princess

Two nights ago as Mark and I were lying in bed and getting ready to sleep, we had our usual pillow talk and he confided in me that he doesn't feel our Angels' presence, especially that of Chloe, of late. Somehow, Mark seems to have a stronger bond with Chloe and he is usually the one experiencing the 'signs' from her. Coincidentally, this is also something that I had been feeling but never mentioned to anyone because it seems rather silly.

This conversation brought about a lot of mixed feelings in both of us... On one hand, we are happy that they have gone off to be reincarnated, this time hopefully to a mom who is capable of carrying them to term and giving them the chance life that they deserve. If this is the case, I hope they are both born to good families and showered with more love than they can ever imagine in order to make up for what I put them through in this lifetime. On the other hand, we feel a pang of sadness because they have left us and are no longer by our side.

Before I drifted off to sleep, I asked them for a sign from them to let me know if they are still around.

Today, I went over to my parent's place during the day as a matter of habit, I turned on the radio in the bathroom. Ever since our teenage days, my sister (who I shared the bathroom with) and I have had this radio in there and it is permanently tuned to a local Chinese station. Although I don't normally listen to Mandarin songs, I didn't bother to change stations. Just as I was almost done with my shower, I heard it... they were playing Chloe's song on a Chinese station!!

Coincidence or a sign from above??

*** Dearest Chloe,

Thank you for sending us the sign, Mummy got your message loud and clear. We know that you are still here around us. Daddy wants me to let you know that he misses you so very much every single day. If you have Lucas with you, please tell him that we love him heaps too. We will keep the both of you deep in our hearts and lodged in our minds now and forever.

With lots of tears and heartache,

Mummy (and Daddy too)

Both Mark and I have been feeling under the weather since Saturday... we both are exhibiting the usual symptoms of sore throat, feeling feverish (we can't confirm if we actually have fever cos the thermometer had gone missing since a few months ago), achy bones and joints, etc. I am hoping that we will recover before the weekend because we have a house guest who'll be staying over for a night (for those who know me and are wondering, this is definitely not a choice of mine, but I am too tired to put up a fight).

Starting to panic a little cos the house and guest room needs cleaning up, and we are also running out of ideas as to how we should keep our guest entertained. Meanwhile, I may also need to brush up on my very limited Japanese since we were told that he speaks very little English. Gee, this is gonna be one exciting weekend.

• Good Morning = Ohayou
• Good Afternoon = Konnichiwa
• Good Evening = Konbanwa
• Good Night = Oyasuminasai
• Good Bye = Sayonara
• How are you? = Genki desu ka
• Thank You = Arigato
• I'm sorry / Excuse me = Sumimasen
  

To be honest, what I REALLY want to ask him is 'Can you buy for me agnès b. voyage bags and accessories from Japan?' (Compared to the prices in Singapore, this lable is much cheaper in there).

Last night Mark and I attended the wedding dinner of his cousin. I am always very easily moved at weddings, especially when the couple exchange their vows and profess their undying love, devotion and commitment to each other. Last night was no exception and I was close to tears several times, apart from the fleeting moment when I thought the priest said 'ever lusting friendship'... I pondered about it for a moment before I realised that he obviously meant 'everlasting', not 'ever lusting'. Evidently, my mind must be corrupted and I am glad no one can read it or else it'd be quite embarassing.

Initially Mark didn't want me to go to the dinner with him because there'd be a risk of someone asking us why we still don't have a kid/ when are we going to have a kid. Moreover, his brother's pregnant wife will be there too and Mark didn't want me to feel bad. Fortunately, no one asked any of those questions that I dread. Admittedly, I did feel a pang of heartache when I saw my sis-in-law's swollen tummy... she's over 30-something weeks pregnant and my niece is due in early Feb 2011. As I hone my skills in bullet-proofing my heart and plastering on a smile in the face of adversary, this was something I was able to deal with without too much trouble.

Actually I do not 'hate' pregnant women per se, it's just that looking at their tummy makes me wonder about A LOT of things and makes me feel sad. Why them and not me? What did they do right for them to have normal pregnancies and healthy babies? What did I do wrong that caused me to lose my babies again and again? I am envious that they can feel their babies moving/ kicking in their wombs... this feeling is something that I really miss and long to feel again. I am also awfully jealous that their babies are growing normally in their womb and my babies are in heaven.

Happy 2nd Birthday to my little Lucas

Today, 09 December, my firstborn, my little boy Lucas, SHOULD have turned two. I wonder if there is a way where I can let my Lucas Angel know that I still have him deep in my heart and not one single day had gone by without me pining for him. Many times when I am caught up in my own little world of thoughts, one of my 'common topics' is - 'How can you be missing someone whom you don't even know?' It may seem illogical and even impossible, but I can assure you that it certainly can happen in the real world...

***********************************************************

To Daddy & Mummy's ever-so-precious and beloved Lucas,

Rightfully you belong right here in our arms today, but unfortunately this isn't the case. Wherever you may be right now, Daddy & Mummy wants to wish our sweet little boy a very Happy 2nd Birthday.

We wish that you are here so that we can throw a birthday party for you;

We wish that you are here so that we can buy you a nice birthday cake;

We wish that you are here so that we can spoil you silly with sweets and other yummy goodies;

We wish that you are here so that we can take you out to shop for your many birthday presents;

We wish that you are here so that we can personally kiss you and wish you 'Happy Birthday';

We wish that you are here so that we can blow out your 2 little candles together;

We wish that you are here simply so that we can hold you in our arms;

We wish that you are here so that we can be a family.

Please always bear in mind that your Daddy & Mummy loves you so very much... Yet another year has flown by, and it is another year closer to our reunion.

Loving you now and always,

Daddy & Mummy

Fortunately the dinner that I prepared for our friends last night turned out ok (read: edible). Starter was oyster soup with truffle oil and for the mains, everyone else except me had chicken chop with herbs & lamb chop with mint sauce. I only had chicken cos I don't take lamb...

Preparation for the dinner was what I'd call 'organised chaos', and the washing and cleaning up afterwards was another nightmare. Overall it was a really great evening catching up on the good old uni days as well as the current situation of each other's lives. One of our friend is currently a practicing obstetrician and gynaecologist in a Melbourne hospital and I had been updating him on my fertility program and seeking (free) advice from him. Before he left, he gave me some useful advice and a lot of encouragement. We had all agreed that our next gathering will be in Melbourne mid of next year... I am so looking forward to it because I do miss Melbourne a lot.

During the dinner, I received a message from Dr Anu that my levels are now back in the 'normal', i.e. non-pregnant range. I'll take a break this cycle and probably start again Jan/ Feb 2011. I still find it hard to believe that 2010 is nearing its end and 2011 has crept up on me so quickly... it's a stark reminder that 2010 is yet another with zilch achievements for me.

Oh and something else which I forgot to include in yesterday's blog... After our massive fight on Sunday, Mark sent me a lovely bouquet of peach roses on Monday. I was very surprised and of course touched beyond words... Looking back at the whole episode now, it was my fault as much as his, and we both played a part in 'fanning the flames'.

No doubt that we still have many 'unresolved issues', but I think I'd like to park them for now (and hope that somehow they miraculously disappear). It may be 'avoidance', but I really do not like to fight with Mark cos in the end, it is a lose-lose situation where I end up hurting him and being hurt myself.

Some friends whom we have known since our Melbourne days are in town this week and we've invited them over to our place for dinner. It was supposed to be a barbeque, but because it'd been raining for the past couple of days, we decided to 'play it safe' and change it to a indoor affair instead. I have been busy since last evening preparing the 3 course dinner for 5 pax. The chicken tighs and lambchops have have been marinated since last night and I hope they turn out well. I just hope I won't f*ck it up too badly...

In between preparing the food for tonight and taking Hershey to the vet (ear infection), I also had to report to the hospital for more bloodwork. Mark accompanied me for my (hopefully) final HCG blood test today and we bumped into 'the object of my affection', Dr T!! Don't know why, but I seem to bump into him only when I am with Mark and never when I am alone. With that said, even if I bump into him when I am on my own, I don't think I'd have the guts to say anything beyond 'hi'. Apparently, he still recognised me and said 'hi'... and what did I do? I mumbled 'hello' and walked away! Duh... I could've taken the chance to start a small talk. Bummer... wanted to give myself a good kick.

I am still waiting for a call from Dr Anu to let me know what my HCG levels are... hope that they have gone down to zero so that I won't have to take anymore blood tests.

Again...

Barely 3 days after we made up from our last quarrel, Mark and I had a huge fight yesterday and we both said some pretty hurtful things to each other in a fit of pique. He feels that I am too excessively obsessive in my quest to have a baby (I don't deny this)... In fact, this same comment was made to me by another person whom I once held very close to my heart. On my part, I felt that he doesn't understand me. Fact is, having a baby is my primary goal at this point in life... I am fully aware that I may never succeed, but one day I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror without shame and tell myself 'I did my best, I gave it my all'.

To set the records straight to him (and everyone else) once and for all, why am I being so tenacious about this? Well, I am fully conscious that my biological clock is racing as the chances of conception reduces and complications increases with maternal age. As it is now, I am already struggling, so who's going to say what'll happen when I am 35, 37, 40?? I am trying to grab hold of all the time I have now to try and give my future offspring a better chance in survival. So, yes, I agree that I may be obsessive but if not now, then when? When I am 75?

While Mark was in the shower, I slipped out of the house and went out on my own for a couple of hours to do some thinking and let us have time to simmer off. What I did during those 3 plus hours was excitingly boring... but that's any story altogether. I don't think I have been more hurt by anything that Mark said before. I don't understand why he doesn't understand me. I don't understand how can someone whom I love so much can hurt me so bad. I feel betrayed because I had always thought that he and I are 'on the same team', but apparently not. Suddenly I feel so alone because my soulmate/ confidante/ best friend seems like a total stranger (and again, I had the urge to poke his eyeballs with my nicely manicured nails).

The only thought in my mind was if this is how things really are, then I don't want/ need this guy to be the father of my child (if I can have one, that is) anyway. Out of spitefulness, I bluntly told Mark this and I know he was very hurt by this remark... (My mom used to tell me when I was a little girl that 'An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind'. Guess there's truth in it).

We did eventually trash things out cos deep down, we know that we have a lot of love for each other. Love is the one thing that has kept us both going through all the ups and downs, thick and thins, laughter and tears, hopes and disappointments... we also share something special that no one else can ever partake - our Angels.

But at the end of it all, I had a nagging thought at the back of my mind... what happens when one day, the love runs out? Or what happens if love isn't enough anymore?

*** Darling, I am sorry (yes, again). Don't say that you are always the one giving in and apologizing okaaaaaay... Anyway, I know the things I said were very hurtful, but please know that what you said really cuts like a knife, that's why I reacted the way I did. Your comment is not something that I'd be able to forget in a long while.

P/S: I'd like to assure you that I did not intentionally plan to quarrel with you on a Sunday so that I can escape from my ironing duties... but thanks for doing it for the past 3 weeks! :P

I received a forwarded email from one of my ex-colleague who is based in the UK and I find the it very meaningful. This lady is one of the few people who continued to keep in touch with me via emails and SMSes even after I left the company. I worked very closely with her on my 'favourite' account for many years. As she in her early fifties, she's got a lot more experience than me both in terms of work and life in general... she became my mentor and taught me many things work-wise and also about life.

Here's the content of the email:


People come into your life for a Reason, a Season or a Lifetime.
When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with
guidance and support,
To aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.
They may seem like a God send and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be...
Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on..

Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it, it is real.. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.

Thank you for being a part of my life, whether you were a reason, a season or a lifetime.


Then the email was signed off with - 'From your Guardian Angel' and the pic below.

Clearly, Lucas, Chloe and 'the little one' are only meant to be in my life only for a Season. Truly, each of them have taught me so much... and in their own unique ways, each of them have brought me an unbelievable amount of joy (and also an immeasureable amount of pain), and opened my eyes to things I never knew (or things I knew but took for granted).

*** To my dearest Angels with much thanks from your mommy - Thank you for being in my life, even if it is only for a short season. Each of you will always be a part of me even after you are gone.

For the third (or is it fourth, perhaps even the fifth??) day in a row, Mark and I had our 'daily sqabbles'. This is rather unusual because our relationship had always been smooth and we rarely have any disagreements. Stupidly, our recent fights were over trivial matters (actually I cannot even recall what the trigger for last night's fight was about).

This morning, Mark sent me an email from office to let me know how he felt. He wondered if my recent mood swings and super-sensitivity was due to our recent loss of 'the little one' (this was how he referred to our #3 and I thought it was sweet). Frankly I don't know what's wrong either, but I think the most probable cause is indeed the loss of 'the little one'. While this time it may not have devastated me as much as when I lost Lucas and Chloe, there were still hopes and emotions attached to this baby for those 10 days we had him/ her.

Most of Mark's email went by in a blur (blah.. blah.. blah...) and I only stopped right at the last sentence cos it brought tears to my eyes. Considering the fact that I have been very emotional, this shouldn't come as a surprise. Anyway, this was what he wrote 'Remember, Keat Keat (this is my pet name for Mark which is also part of his dialect name) wants to grow old with you.'

This morning (way before I read his email), Adam Sandler's 'Grow Old with You' kept playing (and replaying) in my head. I've always liked this song, especially the part about the remote control cos the TV controller in our bedroom is very 'highly prized' and almost nightly, we try to wrangle control over it... However, I didn't see any significance of the song until I read Mark's email. Coincidence?

** Darling, I am sorry I have been irritable/ emotional/ cranky and very hard to live with during the past week. I know I have made your life rather miserable even though you are having a rough time at work and at the same time also grieving over the loss of 'the little one'. I appreciate that you always take the time and effort to explain and rationalise things to me, and your never ending patience with me. Although when we have our tiffs, there are times when I really want to poke your eyeballs with a fork/ my heels, but please know that for the other 95% of the time, I really do love you a lot. Hehehe...

P/S: The remote control belongs to M.E tonight (and tomorrow night, and the day after tomorrow...) ok?

The tears finally came yesterday after I completed my previous blog entry. I guess the weather had a big part to play because it was raining heavily in the afternoon, and the setting was 'right'... The raindrops are like my tears, the cloudy sky depicts my gloomy heart and the lightning that flashes across the sky feels like someone is whipping my already wounded heart over and over again. It was the perfect time and backdrop to grieve over the loss of the little person I'd never get to know, plus his/her (??) brother Lucas and sister Chloe.

Surprisingly, this time the tears came rather late. It's been more than a week after we were told the bad news. I guess finally the truth has sank in... that I have lost yet another baby; that our potential future with yet another child had been cruelly terminated; that I are back to the same old drawing board of grieving, coping with grief, learning to hide it and deal with grief.

Before Mark and I could even properly celebrate the joy of our gift, it was taken away from us so quickly and suddenly. God has given us 3 gifts, only to take them back again. I do seriously wonder if it's something I have done wrong in my previous life and thus all the bad karma and punishment that I have to go through this lifetime to atone for my sins.

Into each life some rain must fall. -- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

(I think I have more than my share of rain for this lifetime,

can I please have some sunshine and clear skies henceforth??)

According to Dr Anu, my HCG levels have dropped nicely and it's around the range of 67 as of last Friday. They'd need to continue to take my blood and monitor the levels until they become negative. Most likely, it'd be another week or so before I get the all-clear.

I used to be really squirmish when it comes to injections or taking blood. I used to get sleepless nights when I know that I am due for an injection or blood test the following day, but by now pregnancies (and miscarriages) have given me a very solid 'training ground'. It usually takes 2 or more attempts before the nurses can draw enough blood from me, and based on track record, they can only get it from the 'funny places' that hurts the most... like the back of my hand or on the wrist (if more than one test tube of blood is needed, then it'd have to be taken from the groin).

Same recent examples of my 'battle scars' -

This morning Dr Anu took some time to chat with me although I didn't have any appointment to see her. Early last week, she gave me her private cellphone number and told me to call her if I feel unwell or if I simply needed to talk. Mark and I thought it was very kind and sweet of her. Then on Friday, she sent me a text message to assure me that my HCG level was falling and asked how I was doing.

She seemed really concerned about how I was feeling and how I was coping mentally. Before I left, she gave me some words of encouragement, and told me not to give up just yet because she firmly believes that it's not the end. I certainly hope what she says is true.

In the short span of the last 5 days, three different people whom I know have announced their pregnancies. One of them is my ex-colleague, and when I found out about it, it hit me particularly hard because when I was pregnant with #1 (i.e. Lucas), she was pregnant with her #3 child. When I got pregnant with my #2 (i.e. Chloe), she was pregnant with her #4 child. Now that I have lost my #3 (sadly no name given cos we don't know the gender), she's expecting her #5.

It feels like the big guy up there is constantly rubbing salt on my wounds and in this instance, I felt like my face is being rubbed in dung. I only ask for ONE healthy child, and I struggled so hard and have not even succeed. My ex-colleague has 4 healthy kids, and now she's being blessed with yet another one... To top it off, she smokes and drinks coffee heavily throughout her pregnancies. Hello??

After I lost Chloe, I have already accepted the fact that life is not fair... It wasn't meant to be fair from the start anyway, but it was just me and my skewed perspective that feels that it should be fair. But having to deal with this is really taxing me out. How long more can I go on to pretend that everything is fine? How much more crap can I endure? No matter how strong I try to be, I am sure there's going to be a snapping point right?

Got to go off to count my blessings again and pretend that the world is really such a beautiful and perfect place.

Wistful Wishful Thinking

When I first found out I was pregnant, I thought the timing of this baby couldn't come at a more perfect time.

- I had just quit my job and for once, I will truly be 'stress-free' and be able to take plenty of rest and lie in bed as much as I want.

- This baby would've been due on/ around Mark's birthday in mid July. What better present to give to Mark, right?

- I lost both Lucas and Chloe in the month of June, and June is officially my 'most hated' month of the year. Even if something happens again and I had to give birth prematurely come June next year, this baby would be viable outside my womb cos it'd be over 34 weeks old.

At first we were so happy because for once, we'd be celebrating this year's Christmas with a baby... the past 2 Christmases sucked and it was a very miserable time for us because we were missing our 2 Angels. We felt so empty... while other families are reveling in the festivities of the season, we were at home nursing our wounded hearts.

Nonetheless, this pregnancy, although very short, had given Mark and I almost 2 weeks of pure happiness. Mark told me that it serves to remind us of our goal, and of what we are fighting so hard for.

Who've have thought that this journey would end before it could even properly begin... it was all wistful, wishful thinking on my part.

The Begining of the End

When they did the HCG test for me yesterday, my levels dropped dramatically to the 200's... To sum it up, my levels went from 977 on 18 Nov to 800 plus on 20 Nov, and eventually to 200 plus on 22 Nov instead of doubling up as it should in a normal pregnancy. The decision was made to go ahead with the injection help the body begin the miscarriage process and to terminate whatever is left of this pregnancy to avoid any complications.

Strange as it sounds, but I was told that the drug (Methrotrexate) that is used in the injection is a low dosage cancer treatment drug. I was also warned that it could trigger some side effects such as nausea, vomitting, diarrhea, cramps, hair loss... The actual bleeding started last night. I guess that symbolized the begining of the end.

Oddly, I still have not shed a tear yet... perhaps reality hasn't yet sank in. The young Caucasian nurse who gave me the jab yesterday chatted with me briefly while she was prepping me for the shot, and she commented that I was 'holding it together rather well'. I simply told her I am immune to it already cos I had 2 previous pregnancy failures.

As the injection had to go on my bum, she saw my tattoo and I briefly told her the 2 stories behind it. She then asked if I minded if the injection ended near/ on my tattoo and I told her to go ahead. Thought that it was somewhat appropriate and meaningful to have the 'shot that would end it all' injected on/ around my 2 Angels.

In the end, it ended up just below Chloe's right foot. (After Mark took this photo for me, he commented about my cellulite!!!So upset!! My husband really has a special way of cheering me up...)

I need to go back later this week and again early next week to test my HCG levels until it drops to 5 or below (for non-pregnant women). Before I left, my doctor told me that I can call her anytime on her personal mobile phone if I don't feel well or simply want to talk. She also told me how she was so happy for me initally when she heard from the nurses that I was pregnant, and then how sorry she was for its very premature failure.

When I lost Lucas and Chloe, I have constantly reminded/ encouraged myself that 'what doesn't kill me makes me stronger', and indeed, I'd like to think I have emerged a stronger person. But what I also want to say now is "Dear God, I think I am almost invincible already, please cut me some slack."

Oops... I Did It Again

As I am typing this out, I am in the midst of my 3rd miscarriage. Yup, apparently the last cycle worked and on 09 November I found out I was pregnant through a home pregnancy test kit. Prior to taking the test, I already had a niggling suspicion I could be pregnant because I didn't get my period, my boobs hurt, I was peeing more than usual and I was feeling very bloated and nauseated. All the same symptoms when I had Lucas and Chloe. The pregnancy kit confirmed my suspicions with a big, fat plus sign.

Ever since he found out about it, Mark imposed on me a complete bed rest... well it was mostly 'complete'. I spent 70% of those 10 odd days lying down, 20% sitting (to eat, check my emails) and 10% standing (showering, going to the loo, walking from Point A to Point B). I really did my best to behave myself and do whatever Mark and my mom told me to. I stopped drinking my favourite ice-cold water and avoided any 'cooling' or unhealthy food. I also cancelled or pushed away any appointments with friends because I didn't want to take any risk.

On 18 November, I spotted a little and since I have such bad track records with pregnancy, Mark sent me to the hospital immediately. As it was still in the very early stage, they were not able to see any gestational sac. My HCG level was within the desired range and I was sent home to rest and to go back on Saturday for another blood test and scan.

Strangely, because I am so in tune with my body now, I started noticing that those symptoms I was experiencing earlier seem to be gradually subsiding rather than worsening, which should be the case as the pregnancy progresses cos of the increase in hormones. I guess that sort of prepared me and Mark for the worst case scenario.

When we went back to the hospital for the bloodwork to be done on Saturday, true enough, my HCG level had gone down instead of doubling as it should have. The doctor was still not able to locate any gestational sac. We were told that this was a failing pregnancy, and it is nature's way of doing things. Come Monday, I will have to go back in for another blood test to ascertain that the HCG level wasn't increasing and then to get a jab to expel the embryo. Normally, as it is still so early in the pregnancy, the body should dissolve and absorb the remains of the embryo, but the doctor recommended the jab because she's worried that since we cannot see any gestational sac in the uterus, there is a remote possibility that it could be ectopic. If that's the case, it'd pose a risk to me if left untreated. Honestly, I've come to the stage where I don't really care about myself anymore...

I have not shed a tear over this yet. I think I am so numb and exhausted from it all that it is not registering. I guess it is also 'less painful' this time around because it was still an embryo rather than a fetus, and there wasn't any visual evidence. In the case of Lucas and Chloe, we have actually seen them growing week by week on the ultrasound scans... and for Chloe, I have actually held her in my arms as a fully formed baby.

The disappointment is crushing... I still don't know what I will do next, to continue on or to give it all up. At this stage, the temptation to throw in the towel is strong, but a small part of me is still unwilling to call it quits.

The doctor tried to console us by telling us that this is a common occurence in 15%-20% of all pregnancies, and it is totally unavoidable. Some women may not even realise that they are pregnant and may just think that their period is late. What I don't understand it why do I always fall into the wrong side of the statistics. Why do these things always happen to me? What do I need to do to get things right?

My poor, long suffering Mark has had to go through yet another roller-coaster ride of emotions with me. He's been my crutch for the past 2 over years, and I can see the resignation in his eyes... perhaps with a tinge of weariness too. I wonder how long more he can take it. I wonder why I keep torturing him this way. I wonder if I'd ever be able to give him a child.

Ok, going off to count what is left of my blessings and remind myself how 'lucky'/ 'fortunate'/ 'blessed' I am.

I met little Amanda and her mom for a meal and I cannot believe how much Amanda has grown!! She's just over a year old now, and has become a playful little imp who can walk very well on her own. When she wants something, she doesn't hesitate to 'tell' you about it and it seems like one of her first words is the name of her doggie Chow Chow!! Amanda's mom and I had a busy time conjuring up things to keep her occupied and contented (and quiet).

One of the cutest things she does is she likes to wave to strangers! I love the way she brings a smile to someone's face when she does her little celebrity wave at them. Such a sweetheart she is... I also told her mom to watch out for this girl cos she may join a beauty pagent when she's of age!

Looking at Amanda and spending time with her never fails to make me think of Chloe since Chloe was supposed to be only 2 weeks older than Amanda. Would she have been able to walk now too? What will her first words be? How will she look like? What will her favourite toys be? Will she and Amanda be good friends?

Missing my little girl so much...

I just noticed there was a comment left on one of my earlier posts from 'FroggyCheesecake' and I wanted to acknowledge it. Honestly not very many people know about this blog that I keep, hence I was pleasantly surprised to get a comment! I am not sure how 'FroggyCheesecake' came to know about my blog, and I wanted to find a way to show my appreciation.

*** Dear FroggyCheesecake,

Thank you for reading my story and for sharing in my pain. Thank you too, for your kind words of support and encouragement. ... I am so sorry that you too had suffered two losses. All the best to you and your DH in your baby-making journey and I wish you success in the not to distant future. ***

Recently an ex-colleague cum good friend told me about 2 rumours that had been circulated about me back at my old workplace. She was upset for me because she knew that they are all untrue.

According to rumour #1, I quit so suddenly because I found out that I am pregnant and wanted stop work to rest. This is certainly untrue, but I wouldn't have minded if it's the case... unfortunately, I am 200% certain that when I left my job, I definitely wasn't pregnant. After being on a fertility program for so many months, I have mastered my own cycle well. I left my job on 15 Oct and the ovulation date was 28 Oct, how to be pregnant??

Rumour #2 is a rather ridiculous one... I wonder how it came about. According to this rumour, I have been undergoing numerous IVF treatments and they have not been successful. Hence I wanted to quit so that I can concentrate full-time on baby-making. Ok whatever... I guess to the layman, 'fertility program' equates only to IVF. Many people do not realize that there are so many facets to it, Clomiphene, FSH, IUI, IVF (and possibly heaps more that I don't know about).

Frankly, they are really no big deal and I don't really care about what's being said, but what I am curious about is who started these rumours.

To set records straight, the main reason (70%) why I quit my job so suddenly is simply because I have had enough of it... enough of travelling/ city-hopping, enough of early morning/ late night conference calls, enough of solving problems for other people, enough of cleaning up other people's sh*t, enough of office politics...

As for the remaining 30%, it's because I badly need a break from the rat race, and I need to find my focus, relook at my purpose in life and what I want out from it. And if this 'break' relaxes my body and mind enough for me to conceive, then it'd be an added bonus; the icing on the cake.

Ok, rant over. I've said my peace.

Daddy's Girl

It is so unfair and I am so jealous... For two days in a row, Mark has heard Chloe's song!! Once was when he was in the car coming home the day before, and the second time was during lunch yesterday. Just goes to prove once again that my little Chloe is really daddy's girl... she's always had her own way of letting her daddy know/ feel her presence, and it always only happens when Mark is on his own. I wonder what message she was trying to give him. Mark thinks maybe she wants to remind us not to forget about her.

Dear Chloe, just in case you are reading this honey, mama wants you to know that daddy and I will never forget about you and Lucas ever. Both of you will always be a part of our bodies, a piece of our hearts.

I am so annoyed with someone --- ME! Well, for a long time, I have been saving some of the SMS that Mark sends me, mainly the romantic, sweet ones and the ones that he sent to me on special occasions. He tends to sent me some really sweet messages especially when I am travelling, and those messages never fail to bring a smile to my face and make me feel so loved. And then what did I do? This morning, I deleted all of them by mistake!!! I am so not my favourite person at this moment.

Strangely enough, I don't know why I always tend to lose the things that Mark gives me... especially the ones that I treasure the most. Early on in our relationship, I lost the first ever present he gave me when he was trying to court me. It was a set of 6 alphabet Forever Friends bears that spell out 'I Love U'. I treasured those bears a lot, until I lost them while shifting house.

Amongst other things, one of the most important one that I have lost are the 2 babies he gave me, my Lucas and Chloe. Hope that I'll be better at safe-guarding the gifts from him in future.

I have been 'cheating' a fair number of people for lunches/ dinners lately from ex-colleagues to long-lost friends... It feels good actually because my time now is spent doing things that I WANT to do and being with people whom I WANT to be with, rather than doing things that I HAVE to do and meeting people whom I HAVE to meet. I can finally say that for once, my time is now in my own hands, and I have regained some semblance of 'control' over my life.

The part of my life that I still do not (and probably never will) have control over is my quest to have a baby. Day 12 and counting... with crossed fingers.

Since I have so much time on my hands nowadays, I spent a lot of the time poring over newspapers and exercising my thumb (i.e. channel surfing). This article below was reported in last week's news... I was dumbfounded when I saw it. I wonder how can a 10 year old, who is really still a child herself, give birth?? Geez, I didn't get my period until I was 12 going on 13. Whoaa... kids nowadays sure mature REAL fast.

With that said, at least the 10 year old mother was more successful than I was in protecting her baby.

Today is Day 11, and I am starting my 3 day countdown to Day 14. Hope I do not get my period.

This case had been widely reported in the news the last 2 days and I have been following it with avid interest - A couple in Singapore went for IVF treatment and the wife was successfully impregnated, only to find that there was a screw up and the sperm used wasn't that of her Caucasian husband's.

Interestingly, from what I gathered from the reports, what first triggered this was that the newborn's complexion was 'markedly different from the parents'... I am not quite sure I understand what this means... was the baby dark skinned?? The other telltale sign was that the baby's blood type was B, whilst the parents are O and A, so technically it is impossible for parents with O and A blood types to produce a B type baby. Earlier on, the news also reported that this baby may be fostered out (although subsequent reports confirmed that the parents will be keeping the baby because the mother had already bonded with the newborn).

As someone undergoing fertility treatment, or ART (Assisted Reproduction Technology) as my clinic calls it, and who may very well be undergoing IVF at some stage, I tried putting myself into that situation. Strangely, my attitude was rather blase. The inital shock and disbelief of the parents is understandable, but what happens after reality sinks in and the dust in settled?

I am sure this couple had fertility issues and that was why they had to resort to IVF. Even with IVF, it does not mean that pregnancy will result. Knowing how difficult the road to conception and a subsequent successful pregnancy is, I think I'd cling on to this baby and pray that I won't be forced to give it up if I were in their shoes. At the end of the day, the mother carried and nourished the baby in her womb for 10 months, and I am sure her husband did share with her every moment of joy during those 10 months when they saw the baby on ultrasound, when they first found out its gender, when the baby started moving/ kicking, when preparing the nursery, when buying the clothings/stroller, birthing the baby...

I am sure it is harder on the husband than it is on the wife because at least half the baby's DNA was the wife's. For the husband, he'd have to accept that the baby he will be bringing up does not share any of his DNA. Honestly does this really matter? Sure, the baby's genetic father is someone else, but it is not as if the wife had an affair with another person which resulted in a 'lovechild'. Anyway, it's easy for me to say cos I am not in their shoes and I am dying to have a baby. So my perspective is somewhat skewed.

Purely out of curiosity, I asked Mark what he thought about this whole subject IF this happened to us. His simple answer was (in typical Singaporean fashion) 'Aiyoh, what to do?? It is still ours what...'