Barely 3 days after we made up from our last quarrel, Mark and I had a huge fight yesterday and we both said some pretty hurtful things to each other in a fit of pique. He feels that I am too excessively obsessive in my quest to have a baby (I don't deny this)... In fact, this same comment was made to me by another person whom I once held very close to my heart. On my part, I felt that he doesn't understand me. Fact is, having a baby is my primary goal at this point in life... I am fully aware that I may never succeed, but one day I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror without shame and tell myself 'I did my best, I gave it my all'.
To set the records straight to him (and everyone else) once and for all, why am I being so tenacious about this? Well, I am fully conscious that my biological clock is racing as the chances of conception reduces and complications increases with maternal age. As it is now, I am already struggling, so who's going to say what'll happen when I am 35, 37, 40?? I am trying to grab hold of all the time I have now to try and give my future offspring a better chance in survival. So, yes, I agree that I may be obsessive but if not now, then when? When I am 75?
While Mark was in the shower, I slipped out of the house and went out on my own for a couple of hours to do some thinking and let us have time to simmer off. What I did during those 3 plus hours was excitingly boring... but that's any story altogether. I don't think I have been more hurt by anything that Mark said before. I don't understand why he doesn't understand me. I don't understand how can someone whom I love so much can hurt me so bad. I feel betrayed because I had always thought that he and I are 'on the same team', but apparently not. Suddenly I feel so alone because my soulmate/ confidante/ best friend seems like a total stranger (and again, I had the urge to poke his eyeballs with my nicely manicured nails).
The only thought in my mind was if this is how things really are, then I don't want/ need this guy to be the father of my child (if I can have one, that is) anyway. Out of spitefulness, I bluntly told Mark this and I know he was very hurt by this remark... (My mom used to tell me when I was a little girl that 'An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind'. Guess there's truth in it).
We did eventually trash things out cos deep down, we know that we have a lot of love for each other. Love is the one thing that has kept us both going through all the ups and downs, thick and thins, laughter and tears, hopes and disappointments... we also share something special that no one else can ever partake - our Angels.
But at the end of it all, I had a nagging thought at the back of my mind... what happens when one day, the love runs out? Or what happens if love isn't enough anymore?
*** Darling, I am sorry (yes, again). Don't say that you are always the one giving in and apologizing okaaaaaay... Anyway, I know the things I said were very hurtful, but please know that what you said really cuts like a knife, that's why I reacted the way I did. Your comment is not something that I'd be able to forget in a long while.
P/S: I'd like to assure you that I did not intentionally plan to quarrel with you on a Sunday so that I can escape from my ironing duties... but thanks for doing it for the past 3 weeks! :P
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