Oops... I Did It Again

As I am typing this out, I am in the midst of my 3rd miscarriage. Yup, apparently the last cycle worked and on 09 November I found out I was pregnant through a home pregnancy test kit. Prior to taking the test, I already had a niggling suspicion I could be pregnant because I didn't get my period, my boobs hurt, I was peeing more than usual and I was feeling very bloated and nauseated. All the same symptoms when I had Lucas and Chloe. The pregnancy kit confirmed my suspicions with a big, fat plus sign.

Ever since he found out about it, Mark imposed on me a complete bed rest... well it was mostly 'complete'. I spent 70% of those 10 odd days lying down, 20% sitting (to eat, check my emails) and 10% standing (showering, going to the loo, walking from Point A to Point B). I really did my best to behave myself and do whatever Mark and my mom told me to. I stopped drinking my favourite ice-cold water and avoided any 'cooling' or unhealthy food. I also cancelled or pushed away any appointments with friends because I didn't want to take any risk.

On 18 November, I spotted a little and since I have such bad track records with pregnancy, Mark sent me to the hospital immediately. As it was still in the very early stage, they were not able to see any gestational sac. My HCG level was within the desired range and I was sent home to rest and to go back on Saturday for another blood test and scan.

Strangely, because I am so in tune with my body now, I started noticing that those symptoms I was experiencing earlier seem to be gradually subsiding rather than worsening, which should be the case as the pregnancy progresses cos of the increase in hormones. I guess that sort of prepared me and Mark for the worst case scenario.

When we went back to the hospital for the bloodwork to be done on Saturday, true enough, my HCG level had gone down instead of doubling as it should have. The doctor was still not able to locate any gestational sac. We were told that this was a failing pregnancy, and it is nature's way of doing things. Come Monday, I will have to go back in for another blood test to ascertain that the HCG level wasn't increasing and then to get a jab to expel the embryo. Normally, as it is still so early in the pregnancy, the body should dissolve and absorb the remains of the embryo, but the doctor recommended the jab because she's worried that since we cannot see any gestational sac in the uterus, there is a remote possibility that it could be ectopic. If that's the case, it'd pose a risk to me if left untreated. Honestly, I've come to the stage where I don't really care about myself anymore...

I have not shed a tear over this yet. I think I am so numb and exhausted from it all that it is not registering. I guess it is also 'less painful' this time around because it was still an embryo rather than a fetus, and there wasn't any visual evidence. In the case of Lucas and Chloe, we have actually seen them growing week by week on the ultrasound scans... and for Chloe, I have actually held her in my arms as a fully formed baby.

The disappointment is crushing... I still don't know what I will do next, to continue on or to give it all up. At this stage, the temptation to throw in the towel is strong, but a small part of me is still unwilling to call it quits.

The doctor tried to console us by telling us that this is a common occurence in 15%-20% of all pregnancies, and it is totally unavoidable. Some women may not even realise that they are pregnant and may just think that their period is late. What I don't understand it why do I always fall into the wrong side of the statistics. Why do these things always happen to me? What do I need to do to get things right?

My poor, long suffering Mark has had to go through yet another roller-coaster ride of emotions with me. He's been my crutch for the past 2 over years, and I can see the resignation in his eyes... perhaps with a tinge of weariness too. I wonder how long more he can take it. I wonder why I keep torturing him this way. I wonder if I'd ever be able to give him a child.

Ok, going off to count what is left of my blessings and remind myself how 'lucky'/ 'fortunate'/ 'blessed' I am.