I am blogging less than I want to, but it is not because I have nothing to write about. On the contrary, I have SO much that I want to write about on my new experience as as a mother but taking care of little bun is really a full time job. When he's awake, there's a lot of diaper changing, bonding and feeding to do, and when he is asleep, I use the window to shower, eat, catch forty winks and/or do some housework.

I have since learnt that as part and parcel of motherhood, you not only learn to survive on minimal sleep, you also learn to finish your meals really fast, long showers are a thing of the past, toilet breaks must be carefully planned and timed, and watching your favourite TV show uninterrupted is unheard of. Thankfully Mark is a very hands-on daddy and I am so glad he is able to share the load with me. As a matter of fact, I think he does a much better job than I do in coaxing little bun to sleep (it involved a long session of singing plus dancing/twirling... the latter two I refuse to partake in). Mark will be going back to work on Wednesday and I know that I will miss his help and presence... it's just good knowing that he is in the house with me.

My precious sleeping child...

For the past week, most of my time was spent on changing dirty diapers, rocking little bun to sleep, soothing him when he cries (which fortunately isn't very often), bonding with him durin the time he is awake, breastfeeding him (I don't like to feed him every X hours like some people tell me to, I'd rather feed him as and when he wants to be fed.. it's rather tiring, but well worth it). I am already back to my pre-pregnancy weight, but then since I didn't put on very much (a grand 6.4kg during the entire 37 weeks), I guess it's not unexpected.

Even Mark had lost some weight too.. hehehe... He does a fantastic job at rocking little bun to sleep and singing the ONE & ONLY nursery song - Old MacDonald (and seems like poor Old MacDonald's farm only has one animal, i.e. the duck. We've got to aim for 'farm expansion' soon!). Mark is a wonderful daddy... I love looking at him cuddle little bun in his arms and cooing lovingly to him. I also like how he gets overly worried whenever little bun cries. Yes, I was right all along, I knew right from the start that this man not only would make an awesome husband, but he would also be a #1 dad. I am just sad that it took me/us so long to prove the latter, and that my Angels didn't get to experience it.

Many times, I have caught myself staring and smiling idiotically while looking at my son's sleeping face... I don't think I will ever get tired of looking at him and inhaling his unique scent (no, not poop related). I have also told him countless times since his birth that I will love him and protect him for as long as I live, and that he's got Angels watching over him.

Mummy's Pride and Daddy's Joy

Just before I was discharged from hospital, one of the nurses came by to ask if I was interested in attending a talk on 'Bonding with Baby'. Mark and I immediately looked at each other before replying a resolute 'no'. I suppose there may be people out there who need some assistance/support in this area, but definitely not me. I have been waiting for this baby for soooo long, and have gone through so much to have him... my bond with him was established from the moment I got a 'plus' on my home pregnancy kit. Holding him in my arms only made the bond even more unbreakable.

I may have difficulty falling pregnant and even more challenges staying pregnant, but I know for certain that aside from these 2 'roadblocks', I am born to be a mother! I just feel sad that in my quest towards motherhood, I had to lose Lucas, Chloe and little one. I still love and miss them terribly and wonder constantly how it'd have been like if they are with us today.

Right now I am relishing every minute I am awake cos I get to see my baby boy. Sleep used to be one of the top priorities of my life but now it's taken a backseat cos I have an incentive to be awake! I can't get enough of looking at Little Bun, touching him, sniffing his unique baby scent, kisisng his head/finges/toes... I am still amazed that he is here and he is mine. I find it hard to believe that Mark and I created this perfect little being.

Happy 8th Wedding Anniversary

I was scheduled to have my C-section today and it also marks my 8th wedding anniversary. Since we were given 2 date choices, the 21st and 24th, I naturally opted for the former since this date is special to Mark and I. Unbeknownst to us, little bun had plans of his own, which is just as well. While we were contemplating the mode of delivery initially, we agreed that we'd schedule the C-section on the 21st, but if Little Bun decides to come before then, we'd go with natural delivery. My little boy decided for us and arrived on the 18th! Guess he wanted to do things naturally.

Now that I have gone through natural delivery for a full term baby, I have no regrets whatsoever. I guess the state of mind plays a very important role. When I delivered Chloe naturally, I felt that the physical pain was a lot worse although Chloe was a whole lot smaller than Little Bun since she is preterm (her birth weight was only a third of Little Bun's). I suppose it's because not only was I dealing with the physical pain then, I was also going through worse pain mentally and emotionally. With Little Bun, I knew that I'd have a baby in my arms at the end of all the pain, hence it'd all be worth it.

Before you were conceived, I wanted you dearly.

Before I laid eyes on you, I loved you madly.

Before you were born, I'd die for you gladly.

This is the miracle of a Mother's love.

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Darling Hubby Mark,

Happy 8th Wedding Anniversary! No words can describe how blessed and happy I feel now that we can finally have a real celebration without tears. Ever since the day we lost Lucas, no special occasion had been the same. For the past 3.5years, we haven't had a true celebration for any of our birthdays, anniversaries, special occasions, Father's/ Mother's Day, etc.

Although we can't go out to have a nice dinner this year (and this is the first time I didn't even get you a card!!), I am sure you'll agree with me that we are having the best ever celebration at home with Little Bun. I wouldn't trade this for anything in the world!

I love you, Darling... Thank you for giving me the most precious gift of all, and for holding my hands and walking this very rough and rocky road towards parenthood. It is not without loss/es, sacrifices, pain and tears, but yes, we finally did it!

Loving You Always,

Wifey

Little Bun's Grand Entrance

Right... so the stork came slightly earlier than expected! The tentative plan was to go for a C-section on 21 Oct, which is our 8th wedding anniversary. What a memorable way to mark the 2 occasions, right? Before we can confirm things with Dr Anu on what would have been my last appointment with her today, little bun decided to make a surprise appearance.

I was all dressed up to go for a nice dinner with Mark yesterday eveing and while waiting for him to pick me up after work, I felt a small gush of water leaking. It wasn't like the time with Chloe when the water was really streaming down... this time it was more like a small flow, hence I wasn't completely sure. This was followed by a contraction, nothing unbearable... I was still determined to go ahead with dinner plans. But when I felt a second gush of water after 5 minutes, I knew something wasn't right and once Mark reached home, we made our way to hospital.

I felt like a mini-celebrity when I arrived at the Delivery Suite because after my 3 week stay there, I knew most of the nurses (vice versa) and they were all so glad to see me. I later found out that they had all been tracking my progress and knew that I had reached full term. I was lucky cos the midwife who was assigned to take care of me is one of my 'favourites'!

Chronology of events:

17 Oct 2011

6.50pm - First leakage plus contraction. Pain scale: 2/10

7.00pm - Second leakage followed by regular and more intense contractions. Pain scale: 4/10

7.30pm - Arrived at Delivery Suite. Pain scale: 5/10

8.15pm - Confirmed that waterbag had ruptured and I was 4cm dilated. More intense and regular contractions. Pain scale: 6/10

Goofing around while waiting for my epidural...

8.30pm - Discussed with Dr Anu the 'plan of action'. Eventually decided to go ahead with natural delivery and if there's anything amiss, we will then fall back onto the original plan to have a C-section. Pain scale: 6/10

Pre-epidural

9.00pm - More pain... more contractions... Told Mark I had an urge to punch him and he stayed a good distance away from me afterwards. Pain scale: 7/10

Regular and intense contractions!!

9.15pm - Held onto Mark's neck for dear life while the epidural was being inserted.

9.30pm - Epidural is in! Pain scale: 1/10 (I actually asked the anesthetist if he could perhaps do me a tiny favour by overdosing me... Alas, he rejected my suggestion.)

10.00pm to 12.00am - Waiting... 5cm dilated. Progress suddenly slowed down.

18 Oct 2011

1.00am to 2.00am - Mark sneaked home for a quick shower while I tried to catch some shut-eye.

2.00am to 4.00am - Waiting... and more waiting... too excited to sleep! Can't wait to meet my little baby!! At the same time I was worried whether if I 'd be able to go through with natural labour and come out alive at the end of it.

4.00am - Intense pressure down below but still tolerable. Already fully dilated at 10cm. Pain scale: 3/10

4.15am to 4.30am - Midwife suggested that we would do a few practice pushes. Upon checking, she saw that baby was already crowning and we could see a little tuff of black hair (Yay!! Our baby is not bald!). Midwife insisted that Mark should take a picture and show it to me... let's just say we both were a bit ummm... grossed out. Plan for practice pushing abandoned and Dr Anu was notified. Pain scale: 5/10

5.00am - Dr Anu arrived and scrubbed up. I noticed she changed into boots... the yellow rubber ones that construction workers wear, just that hers were white. I did wonder for a split second why it was necessary.

5.10am - Dr Anu checked me over and the comfy bed that I was lying on was quickly transformed into a delivery bed with stirrups and all.

5.15am - First push!! Urge to punch Mark had returned. Pain scale: 6/10

5.30am - Third push (was in too much pain and pushing too hard to notice the time for the second push) and our little boy greets the world with a fiesty cry! (Ok, he sounded rather pissed off). He was immediately laid on my chest while the midwife cleaned him up briefly. I expected to see the face of a very proud daddy, but the look on Mark's face was one of shock more than anything!!

Dr Anu invited Mark to cut the umbilical cord and his look of shock was quickly replaced by one of terror! Proud that he did it anyway... Little bun was taken away to be weighed, measured and checked (while crying his tiny lungs out) while I was being stitched and cleaned up. Mark stuck very close to me and refused to budge. I quickly realized the reason... not that he was giving me emotional support or anything romantic like that. I peeked down at what Dr Anu was doing and immediately realized it was a mistake. Many things seem to be happening 'down below' and all I could see was BLOOD. I also saw the thread and thick hook needle that was in Dr Anu's hands. No prizes for guessing what it was being used for. **Gag**.

Confused and Upset Little Bun...

By then they had placed little bun back on my chest and I was distracted and enamoured by this new stranger who is my son to notice anything else in the room, including pain.. It's a pretty good strategy I think! Oh yes, and I also found out why those boots were necessary. Mark kindly reported to me that my blood was splattered all over the floor where Dr Anu was standing. **Double gag**.

My arms will never be empty again...

Dr Anu gave me a smile and told me that it's alright to cry, but to be honest, I didn't feel the urge although I thought I would. I mean I have been waiting for this day for a very long time. I guess the shock and realization that we have finally succeed in bringing a healthy baby into this world still hasn't really sunken in. I was holding onto this red, screaming, wriggly little life that's MY son and I couldn't believe he's mine, yes, ALL MINE... I looked down at my then deflated (and sadly saggy-looking) belly and found it so hard to believe he was in there for 37weeks, right until just a few minutes ago!!

Cheeky Bun!

Sleepy Bun

I was encouraged to breastfeed little bun once I was stitched and cleaned-up and the 3 of us spent our first moment together as family. My first words to little bun was "Where have you been all my life?".

1 Year Anniversary of being.. ummm... JOBLESS!!

It had been exactly a year since I quit my job and this had been a year that had solely been dedicated to working on the 'project of my life'. Cliche, but how time flies. I don't regret leaving the job that I like and enjoy, although I do hope I will be able to go back to it one day. Kinda miss the interaction with people from all nationalities and walks of life, the deadlines, the job satisfaction, my ex-colleagues (ok only some, not all). The things that I do NOT miss are the early morning/late night conference calls and the travelling.

Oh yes, above all things, one of the things I miss the most is the financial independence of having regular pay!! Got to admit I wasn't paid too shabbily by my ex-company so I do worry if I'd ever be able to draw that kind of pay when I return to the rat race. I've got to make up for one year of 'controlled shopping' plus I'd have an extra little person to shop for! (Sidenote: baby stuff are SO expensive!!) There are soooooo many things that I'd love to buy for little bun, but since Mark and I have already spent a fortune on my medical expenses, I have to be prudent with our expenses and it's really 'needs versus wants' at the moment.

Unlock #2 - Finally Full Term!!

This is the second of my 'Unlock' series of posts because I want to keep it hidden until after little bun arrives safely.

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I don't think I have ever revealed little bun's gestational age here (and to honest, I haven't revealed it to many people other than family). Little bun is full term today!! I want to shout it out to so that the world can hear me... Yes, I have reached full term, i.e. 37 weeks!! Didn't think I'd ever reach 'full term' and throughout the pregnancy, 'full term' are 2 scared words to me. It's unbelievable but true, my little bun is 37 weeks old and counting! Well done, my little baby... Daddy and Mummy are tremendously proud of you for staying 'in' there.

There is another fun fact about little bun which I thought I'd share here too. He/she was conceived on Valentine's Day, and I always find it meaningful because it is the day that honours and celebrates love. (I know this because I was being monitored so closely and scanned daily while undergoing the course of fertility treatment.) Maybe I can name him 'Valentino' if it's a boy and 'Valentina' if it's a girl. Ok that's just a cheeky thought... though I am absolutely certain Mark wouldn't agree anyway, plus I don't quite fancy long names.

My weight gain so far is still a rather long way from what is stated in books/websites. According to the books/websites, the weight gain during pregnancy should range between 25 to 35 pounds (11 to 15 kg). At least I did manage to gain at least 1kg from my stint in hospital till now (around 5 weeks), which brings my total weight gain to a grand 6.4kg!! I think it's rather unlikely that I'd ever reach 11kg at all. LOL!!

From the weekly ultrasound scans, little bun is definitely growing and I can see/feel that my belly has certainly gotten bigger, so it's good to know that the extra weight has gone to little bun. Actually I think I still look pretty much the same as I did pre-pregnancy, only difference is that I have a rather cute and compact bump in front! At least it is one less worry that I am not eating enough and the thought that I won't have to struggle too hard to lose weight afterwards is comforting.

Names.. Names... Names.... (Part II)

I have been bouncing off ideas at Mark for some possible names for little bun. Can't say we have anything concrete yet, not even a decent shortlist. Mark is very good at telling me what names he does NOT like, but stopped short of giving me names that he likes! It can get rather frustrating cos I can spend hours or even days scouring the internet for names that I fancy, but he dismisses them in 3 seconds. Grrrrrrrr.....

Initially I have put together my own preferred list of names while idling my time away in hospital. I had about 5 names for each gender but ended up deleting most after Mark vetoed them. Now we are back in square one..

To make it even more complicated, we also have to come up with a Chinese name for little bun. Let's just say that Chinese isn't my best subject and Mark is basically pretty hopeless with it too, so we are sort of depending on my dad for help in this department. It just seemed so much easier when I was coming up with our god-daughter, Rynnae's name (which I still love a lot and am mighty pleased with).

Unlock #1 - Let the the Countdown Begin

This is the first of my 'Unlock' series of posts because I want to keep it hidden until after little bun arrives safely.

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Other than being Chloe's 2nd Birthday, today is also exactly 1 week from when I am tentatively booked for my scheduled C-section. Yup, we have booked the C-section on next Friday, 21 Oct. Dr Anu proposed 3 dates - 21st, 24th and 25th. However while going through the availabilty of the Operating Theatres, both 24th and 25th appeared are rather full. Dr Anu said that if we prefer 24th or 25th, she'd be happy to beg one of her colleagues to swap/change their slots, but Mark didn't want to impose on her and frankly, we do not have any preferred dates in mind. Hence, the 21st it is!

Coincidentally, 21st Oct is also an extremely special day for Mark and I. It marks the day I officially became 'Mrs Lee'.. Yup, 21st Oct is our 8th Wedding Anniversary!!

Naturally things can change anytime because little bun may decided to take things in his/her own hands and decide to come early. Whatever it is, I will be grateful as long as my baby is healthy and normal.

I was doing some 'housekeeping' on my phone and came across some 'souvenir' pictures from my 3 week stay in hospital...

This is one of the machines which I was strapped to 24/7. It was used to monitor my eart beats per minute (BPM). A normal adult's BPM is around 80-90 but mine was 124 at that time due to the medication (Salbutamol) that I was on to control my contractions. The other number on the monitor is my oxygen saturation level (99%).

This 'plug' was where the Sambutamol was 'fed' into my body. The location of the plug had to be changed every 3 days and the Medical Officer who inserted it for me didn't do a very good job cos other than causing me a lot of pain, my blood spilled over onto the blanket and bedsheet!! I wasn't amused AT ALL cos she literally caused a bloody mess.

Yet another location of the plug.

CTG or Cardiotocography... Another machine that I was strapped to during the entire hospital stay. It was used to monitor little bun's heart rate as well as the frequency, duration and intensity of my contractions. Mark is now a self-taught expert in reading the 2 charts, the one above is little bun's heart rate and the one below tracks my contractions. The little peaks indicate when I am having contractions and the higher those peaks are, the more intense are the contractions.

Happy 2nd Birthday to my Princess

My Dearest Chloe,

If you are still here with us, you would/should have turned 2 years old today. Happy 2nd Birthday to you, my precious darling.

On this very special day, we hope that you receive all the love and wishes that we are sending your way. Wherever you may be now, Daddy and Mummy hope that you are happy and enjoying what every 2 year old loves doing. Our only regret is that we are not there to celebrate this day with you; to spoil you with presents; to hold you tightly in our arms; and to smother you with all our kisses. Please know that although we are not there with you, there's never a moment when you are not in our hearts and minds.

Happy Birthday Darling Girl... We love and miss you so very much!!

Birthday Hugs & Kisses,

Daddy & Mummy

Big Decisions...

I made Mark accompany me for my appointment with Dr Anu this morning because there are a number of important decisions that need to be made and we also attended a briefing on the different types of birthing packages that are available (mainly the category of wards and cost of each type). I guess I am more comfortable in making the little day to day decision but when it comes to something big and important, I actually depend a lot on Mark!

The biggest decision is still whether to deliver naturally or to opt for C-section (I am still undecided). This is then followed by if we opt for C-section, should we go for GA (i.e. total knock out) or epidural (i.e. only the lower half of my body will be numbed and I will remain conscious throughout the delivery). If I opt for GA, then Mark will not be able to accompany me and witness the birth of little bun, and if I opt for epidural, then he'd be able to accompany me and witness little bun's entry into the world.

As Dr Anu said, these are good 'problems' to have. We still have another week to ponder over it.

Today's scan also revealed that the level of my water level (aka Aminiotic Fluid Index) had further increased during the past week... it went from 11.5 to 16. That's rather interesting because the AFI is suppose to go down as the pregnancy progresses towards full term. But then considering how things have been throughout the course of this pregnancy, I guess I shouldn't be surprised since this is anything but a 'normal' pregnancy. Overall little bun is in good shape and everything is on track.

(The other piece of good news is Dr Anu said that I can now regain more of my mobility.. i.e. walk more and even go out!!! Not that there's anywhere that I want to go now that I can feel a lot more of the pressure of little bun's weight on my lower torso, but it'd be really nice if I can pick out some of little bun's stuff myself.. Oh yes, and I just read from some checklist that I need a nursing bra. It's not something that I can despatch Mark to buy on my behalf, I think!!)

I have been diligently counting and charting little bun's movements daily per Dr Anu's instructions (although she did not tell me why she wanted me to do this, I know the reason for it). On some days (like today) little bun is extremely active. My poor ribs are at little bun's mercy when he/she is trying out sommersaults in what little room there is left inside my belly. I wonder if it's because Mark is at home and little bun can hear daddy's voice (yes, apparently they can hear at this stage, if it's loud enough of course). However, on other days, it takes some prodding from me to garner a little punch or kick of protest from the little one. Those are nerve-wrecking moments while I wait for a response.

Little bun has been an extremely good baby and Mark and I couldn't be more pleased or proud (yes, we are already proud of our unborn child, if that's even possible)... During the 2 plus weeks while I was in hospital, Mark would 'talk' to little bun every single night (during those times, I'd worry that a doctor or nurse would decide to pop into my room and then catch Mark kneeling beside my bed talking to my exposed belly!!). Much of the (one-sided) conversation revolved around Mark telling little bun to "hang in there" and to "wait a little longer". Little bun seemed to have been listening to what daddy had been telling him/her!! I reminded Mark today that he'd better remember to let little bun know when it is time to 'un-wait'!!!

Finally had my first appointment with Dr Anu after she returned from her month long medical leave/quarantine. It was so good to see her, although the doctor who took care of me in her absence (he's a Professor in fact) was very good and experienced too. Dr Anu was really pleased that little bun held on until now and said she couldn't ask for anything more.

The scan today revealed that my water level (aka Amiotic Fluid Index) is at a healthy 11.5. They were not able to measure my cervical length any longer cos little bun is in the cephalic (aka 'heads down') position and his/her head is pressing down on my cervix. Anyway I don't think they are really bothered about my cervical length any longer... Now the important thing is to ensure that little bun is thriving well.

We also had a very lengthy discussion on the delivery date and mode. I am still undecided between going for natural birth or a C-section. Obviously I am terrified of getting cut open, but for C-section, the risk lies more on the mother than baby whereas for natural birth, there's more risk for the baby. I was also very surprised to learn that for C-sections, they use GA (cos from what I have been watching on television, they only use LA, but of course that is in America). I had always envisioned that I'd be awake/conscious to witness the birth of little bun and welcome my precious one into the world. Gee... now I am lost and confused, and we have 1 week to decide on what we want to do before seeing Dr Anu next week.

Shopping Time...

Mark and I have finally broken the 'protocol' and started buying some basic items for little bun. To be honest, it is done with more trepidition than excitement. I just hope we didn't jinx anything. So far we've gotten little bun's cot bed (never realized there was a difference between a 'cot' and a 'cot bed' until now, and didn't realize a cot bed plus mattress cost as much as an adult super single bed!!), bedding set, a super cute bath towel/wrap, swaddle wraps (never knew something like this existed), diaper mat, and a whole bunch of other necessities.

While I was in hospital, my sis had bought quite a lot of clothings, mittens and booties, towels, little hankies for little bun cos we all thought little bun was going to arrive anytime then. I think my sis invested a small fortune in all the stuff for little bun, and her shopping spree is still going strong. My mom also handmade something like a set of 4 baby pillows, a bolster and bedsheet... the last I heard, she's planning on making even more. My dad will be tasked with coming up with little bun's Chinese name (Mark and I are still getting nowhere with little bun's English name..not even a shortlist).

Little bun is going to be one very lucky and well-loved baby... everyone in the family is excitedly looking forward to the arrival of the newest addition. Actually Mark and I are still cautiously wary about being overly happy or excited. 'Once bitten, twice shy' I suppose. So what is 'Twice bitten, .......' ??! I don't think it's sunk into either of us that if things go well, we will be bringing a baby home fairly soon. Oh and I think one of us (most likely Mark) should have 'the talk' with Hershey soon too. She's going to be a 'big sister' and needs to curb some of her 'madness'. Hope she won't have too much difficulty in accepting little bun.