Countdown to Chloe's EDD --- 3 days to go

You may think I am losing my mind, and maybe you are right, I am losing most of my sanity. The life coach whom I met with once a number of weeks back had been sending me emails periodically just to check on how I am and how I was feeling. I am quite touched actually cos he is doing all these for free. I received an email from him last week, asking for my permission for him to 'connect' with the souls of Lucas and Chloe.

I didn't see any harm in it, and in fact, I was quite intrigued and interested on what he'd uncover, so I agreed. Here's what he came back to me with:

Connected on: 5th Oct 2009.

Time: 11.28 p.m. to 12.08 a.m.

What transpired: They are still earth bound - meaning they are still with you due to your missing them. They are ok and that you need not worry about them.They love you as much as you and your husband love them. They ask you to be patient and to take care of yourself.

Both are there with you but Chloe's presence is much more prominent and consistant. Perhaps because she is more recent than Lucas. Nevertheless they are there.

In the past, I have tried to connect/ feel their presence myself, but somehow I have never succeeded. Honestly, I don't even dream of them. Was it because I was trying too hard? I think the only time I feel 'close' to them is when I am swimming. When I am underwater, where it is all still and quiet, I quite often catch shadows/ movements on both my sides and feel a presence, especially at times when I have the whole pool to myself. It is not the spooky kind of presence, but something that is calming and soothing. Of course when I turn to look, there's nothing there beside me... only a vast nothingness.

Most likely, it is only a figment of my overactive imagination, but I'd like to imagine that it is really Lucas and Chloe joining their mummy for a swim. If only I were given the chance, I'd have loved to buy them cute floaties, teach them how to swim and to play with them on the water slides. Perhaps that's the underlying reason why I am so keen to go swimming these days...

From the results of the 'connection', I am thrilled that my babies are here with me, only that I can't see/ hear/ feel/ sense them. It also feels comforting to know that they both know how much they are being loved. On the other hand, I can't help but wonder if I am holding them back and delaying them from going onto their next 'destination'.

Can I just be selfish for this once? Can I just be with them for a wee bit longer?

Countdown to Chloe's EDD --- 5 Days to go (Part II)

Mark took urgent half day leave this afternoon to come home and accompany me cos he felt that I was too emotionally unstable to be left to my own devices at home. He knew how upset I was with myself for screwing up yesterday's post. Although I told Mark that he didn't need to come home, I was secretly grateful to have his company because I just feel so worn out with the array of emotions that I don't how for how long more I can go on for.

We spent part of the afternoon just holding each other, crying and talking about Chloe. About how much we missed her, about how she should have been in our arms now and about the dreams we had for her. It was a long, painful afternoon... my heart felt like it was coated inside and out with broken glass... With every pulsation of my heart, the the sharp edges of the glass was digging deeper into me, leaving wounds which would never heal.

All the crying from just now and earlier this morning is giving me a throbbing headache. What a combination... painful heart, throbbing head. Well, life still got to go on... I still have work to do, emails to read, deadlines to meet and conference calls to attend before I can call it a day. I wonder when I'd be able to truly 'call it a day' where my life is concerned. With my current state of mind, I hope the end is near.

Countdown to Chloe's EDD --- 5 Days to go (Part I)

Oops.. I did it again. I made a boo boo and forgot to hit the 'publish post' button on my previous post, hence the post meant for 08 Oct is 'missing'. I am actually very annoyed with myself for making such a stupid mistake and for not being able to do something so simple right. This just goes to show my state of mind over the past few days.

As I continue on with the countdown to Chloe's EDD, my state of mind had been in chaos. The low periods have increased in frequency and the bad/ angry/ sad thoughts are more prevalent than ever before. Focusing on anything has been tough, and staying 'happy' has been a pain. I am constantly unhappy, and I pity the people around me, mainly Mark.

Anyway, here's my post meant for yesterday...

I have heard so many different types of 'advices' after my 2 miscarriages that I have decided to 'compile' them. Although people don't actually say it to my face, I can see in their eyes the unasked question - 'You didn't even know the baby yet, so why are you so sad?'. Well, after a miscarriage, the grief is for a person you never knew and for a relationship that abruptly ended before it actually began. You grieve not for a person who has lived and died, but for an unlived life. My grief is for the loss of my future as the parent of the two babies who had died, and I am depressed not only because of what I had lost, but also because of what will never be.

From the moment a woman receives a positive pregnancy test, she starts bonding with the unborn baby. She is the one who feels the morning sickness, sciatic nerve discomfort and senses the flutters, kicks and jabs.

Hence, unless you have been through a miscarriage yourself and have felt the emotional and mental anguish, I highly discourage anyone from trying to dispense advice to women who had suffered a miscarriage. Well meaning 'advice' given with the best intention can sometimes cause more harm than good, as I have learnt and experienced.

What NOT to say to Someone who has had a Miscarriage

• "You can always try again" - So what are you trying to say, that the baby that I just lost is not a life?? If you lose your dad, can I tell you that "It's ok, at least you still have your mom"?? One baby does not replace another... ever.
• "Everything will be fine the next time" - How would you know?? This is one of the most common thing I heard after losing Lucas. Everyone hopes that everything will be fine for the next pregnancy, but sometimes it isn't (like in my case). I found it even harder to cope with the second miscarriage because of how I was assured by everyone (including doctors) that everything would be fine the next time. It's complete bu**sh*t to me cos I have proven them wrong.
• "Stay positive" - I was told this by a close friend when I was expecting Chloe and I did follow her advice. I remained happy, positive and confident throughout the 6 months, and the end result is I still lost the baby. Another complete load of bu**sh*t to me.
• "I know just how you feel" - How do you know? Have you lost 2 babies in the span of a year? Unless you have, you aren't qualified to advise me.
  "It happened because ________" - So if you are a psychic and can predict, why didn't you warn me of it earlier? And would you be able to predict the outcome of my next pregnancy now?
• "It was probably for the best'' - This is one of the worst advice I have heard, and possibly the most common one too. I don't see how it is for the 'best' when my child just died.
• "Your baby is in a better place now" - The BEST place that my babies can be is right here in MY arms. Period.
• "God needed her more than we did" - Oh yeah? And where was God when I needed his help? What makes you think I needed my babies any lesser than God??

What You CAN say to Someone who has had a Miscarriage

• "Tell me more about your baby" - I don't think people are comfortable with saying this cos they think that by bringing up the subject, it'd make me cry. It's true that I will most likely cry when talking about my baby, but it is also comforting to know that someone else is interested enough to ask and acknowledges the fact that my baby exists, if only for a while. I am dying to share the little details of my baby with you.
• "I am sad for you and your husband/ wife for your loss" - It'd be nice to ask about how the husband is too cos most of the time, I realize that people tend to focus only on the woman and ignore/forget the fact that the man had also lost his child
• "I am here to listen if you want to talk" - Whether or not I actually confide in you, it helps to know that there is a 'ready listener'.
• "It's okay to be sad or angry around me" - I have learnt that if I wear my emotions on my sleeve, i.e. look sad, most people become awkward around me and don't know how to react. I have since learnt to put on my 'happy face' in front of people to put them at ease. But it is tiring and there are times when I just want to be sad and angry. I want to be able to rant at God/ myself/ fate/ karma/ etc.
• "I can't imagine how painful this must be for you" - Thank you for not trying to belittle my pain and pretend that you know how I am feeling.

>

Countdown to Chloe's EDD --- 6 Days to go

I suggested to Mark that both of us should each write a card to Chloe and 'give' it to her on her EDD next week on 14 Oct. There are heaps of beautiful cards for 'Daughters' out there in the market, all with meaningful wordings and beautiful graphics/ designs. Unfortunately, we could not even find one that's suitable for us/Chloe because in ALL those cards that we looked at, they were about the daughters growing up, and of the daughters having a relationship with the parent/s. To put it bluntly, the cards were meant for people whose daughters are still alive.

I reckon Mark and I are the only weirdos who are buying cards for a daughter who is no longer with us. Obviously Hallmark didn't see the need to create cards of this genre because there is 'no market' for people like us. We are the sad minority of bereaved parents that the world forgot.. Or rather, the world chose to pretend we don't exist because they don't know how to handle us and our constant grieving.

I have decided that I will write cards/ letters to Lucas and Chloe on special occasions (birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas...) and will put them into their respective Treasure Chests. I will even buy them little presents on these occasions to let them know that they are not, and won't ever be forgotten. Hopefully my babies will be able to read what their daddy and mummy has to tell them. And one day when I am old, wrinkled and toothless, I will take them out to read too.

Even if we can't find the right card for Chloe in the shops, I am sure we won't give up so easily. Well, we can always make our own card if we have to. Take that, Hallmark!

Countdown to Chloe's EDD --- 7 Days to go

I spent the small hours of the morning tossing and turning in bed. After an hour, I gave up and turned on the TV. Big mistake... The program they were showing on Home and Health was called 'Making Room for Baby'. It is a D.I.Y renovation program that helps new parents do up their nursery. Can't help but think of the room I have next door that was meant to be the nursery. After I lost Lucas, I have been referring to it as 'Lucas' room'... Guess I should call it 'Lucas & Chloe's room now.

When we were first renovating the house last year, I already knew I was pregnant but we didn't know the baby's gender yet. Hence we decided to use a neutral color for the room and ended up with pale yellow wall paper. We never got the chance to decorate the room into a nursery though... never had the chance to add in cute decals to make the room more nursery-like... never had the chance to buy the baby cot... didn't a chance to fill the room with the sweet scent of a baby... didn't get a chance to hear the cries as well as contented gurgles of a baby within those 4 walls.

That room has become a painful reminder of what it should have been. I wonder if that room will one day become the safe sanctuary of a growing baby, and see that baby develop into a chubby toddler, into a mischevious school-going child, into a gawky teenager...

Countdown to Chloe's EDD --- 8 Days to go

I saw this print advertisement in the latest issue of the Australian magazine that I always read. I can't tell you how it tugged at my heartstrings and how those 4 simple words 'if I grow up' made me want to curl up into a ball and weep to my heart's content because that advertisement totally reached out to me in a way that you'd never imagine.

That pre-term baby inside the incubator on the advertisement made me feel as though Chloe was THAT baby. If we had made the decision to resuscitate her, Chloe would have to spend months inside the incubator in the NICU, most likely with numerous tubes and needles in her tiny body, that is if she did not get any complications/ infections during the birth process.

I did not save my baby's future... My baby will not have the chance 'grow up'... I will not get the chance to see her first smile; hold her hands while she takes her first steps; hear her call me 'mummy'; tell her bedtime stories; buy her her first Barbie doll; braid her hair; prepare her lunchbox; take her to school on her first day of school; clean her scapes when she falls... all these and more. When I lost my daughter, I also lost the chance of a whole future with her, a whole new different life for our family.

All these happened because my baby's mom did not give her the best environment to develop in until she is strong enough to survive outside on her own. My baby did not fail, it's her mom who failed her.

Countdown to Chloe's EDD --- 9 Days to go

I TOTALLY asked for it. Over a week ago, I embarked on 'Project Facebook' where I 'hidden' some of my friends who have either just given birth or who will be giving birth in this month or the next from my newsfeed. I was feeling a bit restless and then I did the unthinkable (though I don't know what made me do it.. it was pure stupidity on my part).

I went to 'check out' those friends and here's their status:

• The colleague whom I have mentioned here, who's baby girl is due at almost exactly the same time Chloe was, had delivered her baby just 3 days ago.
• The friend, whose baby girl is due in November, just announced on Facebook that she would probably pop by the end of October as her baby had already engaged.
• The friend who's wife had just given birth to a baby boy had brought his baby home and enjoying his time being a dad.

As for me, I am still here wondering what had happened to my Chloe. Wondering what she and Lucas did to deserve this. Wondering how can lightning strike the same place (or person) twice. Wondering if/ when I can ever be reunited with my babies. Wondering whether I'd ever be a mom to a healthy baby, in addition to the 2 angels that I already have.

Answers anyone??

Last night Mark and I went to bed talking and thinking about Chloe and Hershey was trying to squeeze her fat little bum between us. I told Mark that instead of having Hershey sleeping between us, it should have been a baby, two in fact.

Countdown to Chloe's EDD --- 10 Days to go

Today is exactly the 100th day since I lost Chloe... the 100th day since I last saw her pretty face, the 100th day since I last held her tiny body, the 100th day since I first (and last) kissed her. Somehow I thought of the song 'Here Without You' by 3 Doors Down. My wounded heart is aching even more as I listen to the song because it describes exactly how I feel today, plus the coincidence of the first line in the song.

Right now, I feel like this song was written just for Chloe and I. **Chloe Sweetie,

I'm here without you baby

But you're still on my lonely mind

I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight it's only you and me

Here Without You

A hundred days have made me older
Since the last time that I saw your pretty face
A thousand lies have made me colder
And I don't think I can look at this the same
But all the miles that separate
Disappear now when I'm dreaming of your face

I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight it's only you and me

The miles just keep rollin'
As the people leave their way to say hello
I've heard this life is overrated
But I hope that it gets better as we go

I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl its only you and me

Everything I know, and anywhere I go
It gets hard but it wont take away my love
And when the last one falls
When it's all said and done
It gets hard but it wont take away my love

I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl its only you and me

When I went into the bathroom to brush my teeth this morning, I noticed that the bottle of Johnson's & Johnson's Kids shampoo had somehow tipped over and a third of it's contents had spilt out onto the counter. So how come I am using kids shampoo? When I was pregnant with Chloe, right around the begining of my 2nd trimester, I started losing hair B.I.G time. To minimise the hair loss, I went to cut my long hair short and started using a milder shampoo, i.e. kids shampoo, to curb the problem. It did help and the problem went away as suddenly as it came.

Somehow I associated the sweet berry scent of this shampoo with Chloe, and have continued to use it (I am into my third bottle now). I feel a sense of calm every time I smell the scent... it reminds me of my time with Chloe. I had actually kept the bottle of the very first bottle that I finished because of it's sentimental value (the bottle that I used when I had Chloe).

So how did the shampoo bottle tip over? It couldn't have been the wind cos the bathroom windows were shut as we turned on the air-conditioner last night. It is not Hershey cos the bottle is on the opposite side of the bathtub where she couldn't reach. Mark swore that he didn't do it.

Could it be Chloe's way of telling me that she visited us on her 100th day anniversary and it's her way of giving us a sign? (**Chloe baby: Yes sweetie, I know you were here...)

Countdown to Chloe's EDD --- 11 Days to go (中秋節) - Part II

It's 10pm on 中秋節 and my inital plan to spend the evening with Mark at my favourite place at Mt. Faber did not materialize. We are now in our pyjamas, lying in bed with the air-conditioner on, watching a DVD of 'Angels and Demons'. Totally not something I had in mind... not a very romantic way to spend the evening, I might add. But well, the weather had been real bad the whole day (hazy and cloudy) and it even rained earlier on. I tried looking for the moon but sadly, did not even see it.

Oh well... Man proposes, God disposes. I should have known better than to make plans. The lower the expectation, the lesser the disappointment.

Countdown to Chloe's EDD --- 11 Days to go (中秋節) - Part I

Mark and I will be attending a friend's wedding luncheon at Sheraton Towers. Don't think I'll eat much though because today is Mid-Autumn Festival i.e the 15th day of the 8th lunar month and I go vegetarian on the 1st and 15th day of every lunar month. Don't know exactly why I decided to do this, but I have done it for the past 3 months so well, I will just continue with it.

The Mid Autumn Festival is also known as the Mooncake Festival and Lantern Festival. There are many ways to call it in English but only one way in Chinese i.e. 中秋節. Strange huh?!! The moon on the night of the Mid-Autumn Festival is believed to be the brightest, fullest and most brilliant and as the Chinese also regard the full moon as a symbol of family reunion, it's also a day where families get together.

In my perfect world, Mark and I would be taking Lucas out for a walk this evening with his very first lantern. His lantern would be the traditional kind that's made from colourful cellophane, not the modern battery operated ones with scary music as I find that they just don't have the right 'feel' to it. I would be waddling contentedly along behind Lucas and his daddy with my heavily pregnant belly, eagerly anticipating the birth of Chloe.

Sadly, this picture perfect scene takes place only in my mind. The likelihood is that it'd just be Mark and I going for after dinner drinks at Mt Faber... basking under the pale hue of the lonely moon, searching fruitlessly for the answer as to why on the last 中秋節, we didn't get our baby but we had 1 angel, and on this 中秋節 we are still without a baby but we have 2 angels now. Can we please have one healthy baby the next 中秋節?

On this Mid-Autum Festival (and all the others to come), I will look at the full moon and think of my 2 angels; wistfully dreaming of our reunion.

宝宝, 中秋節快乐.