I told Mark that my very first birthday was spent in a hospital 34 years ago... 34 years later, I will again be spending my birthday in the hospital (albeit a different one)!! Should I laugh or cry about it? Anyway, I think I find it more 'amusing' than anything cos my birthdays don't mean very much to me anymore ever since the year I lost Lucas. I have learnt that there's a lot more to life and that the other 364 days are just as worth treasuring as the one day which is my birthday.
For my birthday this year, Mark's 'present' to me will be a 2 night stay at a private ward in the hospital. I was actually contemplating a 4-bedded ward in order to cut expenses, but frankly, I am not looking forward to reliving the memory of sharing a room with other women who are due to give birth or recently given birth... above all, listening to the cries of newborn babies. It is just a bit too much to deal with on top of all my anxieties and emotional baggage. Also, if I had opted for a shared ward, Mark won't be allowed to stay with me overnight.
I am still worried silly by what will potentially happen tomorrow during the surgery and more importantly, thereafter. With my luck, anything can happen.. Geez, just why can't I be a 'normal' person for once? Just once??!!!! In recent weeks, many of Mark's friends have been popping babies. They make things seem sooooo incredibly easy... perhaps it IS indeed very easy, just that the problem lies with ME!
Nervously counting down the hours... the next few days will be a trial and I need all the good wishes and prayers I can get. Praying hard that there won't be any adverse effects from the surgery and that little bun and I will come out of it triumphant at the end of it all. 4 more weeks is all I am asking for... please just let me remain pregnant for at least another 4 precious weeks!!!!! Yes, this is the voice of acute desperation and a healthy dose of pleading.
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