08 April

It is so hard to believe that it's already been 3 years. The first time I ever told Mark that we were expecting a baby was on 08 April 2008. He just returned that evening from a business trip and we were having dinner at a friend's house. I broke the news to him in the presence of a group of friends by presenting him with a set of baby mittens and booties (courtesy of a friend's newborn baby boy). It was a coincidence that the colour of the mittens and booties were baby blue because at that time, we obviously had no idea that our firstborn was going to be a boy. I still have those mittens and booties safely tucked away in Lucas' Treasure Chest.

It was the first (and perhaps, only) time we experienced the pure and unbridled joy of being a first time parent... we were so blissfully unaware (or innocently ignorant) of the challenges that lay ahead. Even when we found out that we were expecting Chloe, the degree of joy cannot be compared to that when we had Lucas... possibly because we were already guarded after what happened with Lucas.

In more ways than one, 08 April 2008 marked the begining of the most important journey of my life. It is my journey towards motherhood. It was on that day that I realized just how much I wanted to have a baby of my own; it was a 'calling' that I hadn't realized up till then. Lucas gave me a brief but unforgettable taste of 'motherhood', and it was because of him that I discovered my 'mission' in life. I know I haven't yet succeeded, but what I do know is I will not give up my 'mission' without putting up a valiant fight. My little boy may have only spent a short 14 weeks with me, but what he had taught me had changed my (and Mark's) life forever.

I am missing my little boy... I just wonder if he knows it, and if he is missing his mommy too.

(As I was typing out this post, my screen is constantly blurred by the onslaught of tears and I don't think it's caused by the pregnancy hormones. It just feels like something very dear to me had been forcefully taken away... I feel robbed. I feel victimized. I feel short-changed. And yet there is nothing I can do to 'correct the wrong'. I am rather surprised by my own emotions because I have not cried over Lucas and Chloe for quite some time, it's certainly NOT because I have forgotten them or 'gotten over them'. I simply thought that I have finally learnt to contain my emotions where they are concerned. Apparently not. Who am I kidding anyway?)