养儿一百岁，长忧九十九

Once again, I am nervously counting down the hours. Six long hours to go... Is everything progressing as it should? Has my little 'bun' grown? Will I see the 'flicker'? So many questions, so many things to worry about... and this is only the BEGINING.

I think I can finally understand what my mom (and all other moms) go through. When I was little, my mom would worry and fret over me whenever I fall sick and she'd lay next to me on my bed and check on me throughout the night (and 'attack' me with a cold compress if I had a fever). When I went to school, she'd ask me every night if I was eating during recess, whether I got along with my classmates, etc. During my teenage years, she'd worry about my results, whether I was mixing with the right people, whether I was dating, and if the guy was treating me right. When I went to to study in Australia, she was even more worried cos I was in a foreign country without her. During my first few weeks there, she and my dad would find every chance to call me and check if I was ok. During term breaks, if I did not fly home, my dad will never fail to come over to visit me.

After I graduated and got a job, they'd worry whenever I had to make any overseas trips and would call Mark to check if I have arrived safely. (I suspect part of the reason why my mom was so supportive when I quit my job was because she's had enough of the worrying.) Finally, when I had my miscarriages, I could sense how worried they were for me, especially my mom. Even until this day, I know she is still worried sick, especially after my major meltdown just before I quit my job last year. The way she held me in her arms while I was crying reminded me of the time when I first went to kindergarten. She held me the same exact way when I cried every night in her arms because I didn't want to go to school the following day (for the record, I cried for 2 weeks straight... and then intermittently thereafter). The only difference was that I was 5 years old then and a 34 year old now.

I haven't broken the news to her (or anyone in the family) about my 'bun' yet cos I want to spare them the agony of going through the pain and disappointment in case it fails. I am dying to share the news with my family, but for now, I am just too scared.

This Chinese saying is so true, 养儿一百岁，长忧九十九. Literal translation is 'you have a chiild for 100 years and you worry about him/ her for 99 years'.