Rynnae stays over

I have always assumed that MY baby will be the first infant to stay in the nursery that Mark and I have prepared long ago (although it currently doubles up as my ironing room/ Mark's game room/ guest room). It was a rather spur of the moment kind of arrangement, but we kidnapped Rynnae (ok, and her mom too) and she will be staying over with us till the weekend. This makes her the first baby to stay in the nursery.

Both Mark and I are besotted with her... she's now a lot more active and alert of her surroundings. Rynnae also found a new best friend -- Hershey! I was very surprised at how much Hershey adores Rynnae and how she finds every opportunity to sneak kisses on Rynnae. For some reason, Hershey always aims for Rynnae's ears. I have always wanted my baby to grow up in the company of my dogs, so looking at Rynnae and Hershey together makes me happy... although there is also a pang of sadness. I wonder if Hershey would get along as well with Lucas and Chloe. Hmmmm...

(Note: All the below pics are not 'posed'. I was sitting next to Rynnae keeping an eye on her and snapping away while Hershey did her thing.)

IVIG (#1)

I spent a good 4 hours lying in hospital this morning having an intravenous immunoglobulin drip at the advice and recommendation of the haematologist. It's a long story, in summary, this IVIG is supposed to help stablise pregnancies. On top of that, from one of the numerous blood tests that I have done previously, my NK cells (Natural Killer cells) are bordering on the high side (which can lead to early miscarriages). Hence, as a precautionary measure, the doctor recommended this form of treatment.

The only downside to IVIG, other than the known side effects, is that it is expensive... DAMN freaking expensive to be exact. One round of this costs SGD$2,400, and I need to do 3 rounds of it. Naturally this is a (HUGE) concern for me because we are a single-income family now!! In the past when I was still working, this wouldn't be so much of a worry because Mark and I earn a very good combined income, but now that Mark is the sole breadwinner, all the burden falls onto his shoulders.

In hindsight, I should have asked them to do an ultrasound scan for me prior to doing the IVIG... well, just to make sure that my little 'bun' is still baking and the heartbeat is still there. I know this sounds awfully pessimistic... of course I want everything to be smooth and on track, but after going through all those disappointments, I can't help but feel cautious and jaded.

There's still too many days to go before my next appointment with Dr Anu. I know for sure that from now till then, I will be fretting and continue having disrupted sleeps every night. Another thing... I am somewhat convinced that my nausea is 'self-induced' due to my over-worrying rather than pregnancy hormones... hmmmm....

I have always thought that this blog is only read by a handful of my friends and Mark, but recently, I have been pleasantly surprised to receive comments from 'strangers' who told me they have been following my blog for a while. What touches me is that these people whom I don't know (and will possibly never know!!) have left me kind words of encouragement on my current 'baking' project.

*** To everyone who is following this blog, regardless if you are a friend or stranger, THANK YOU for walking with me on my journey towards motherhood. I am still unconfident how it'd end up and what the eventual outcome will be, but I am thankful for your companionship. You won't believe how helpful it is to have this blog as an outlet to express myself, to rant, to 'vocalise' my fears and to hopefully share my joy. ***

I walked pass this shop when I was out and I just had to stop and stare for a moment.

I miss my little Chloe, so very, very much.

Last night, we resumed with the heparin injection after a 2 day 'holiday', and of course there is no reversal of 'roles'. Mark remained as the 'injector' and me, the 'injectee'. I was secretly hoping that it wouldn't be as painful as I had remembered it to be, but alas, it was just as painful, if not, even more so because I think Mark hit a muscle (again). So far it's almost a 50-50 chance of it either being 'f*cking painful' (when you hit a muscle) or 'bearable pain' (when it is in the fats).

Whenever I start to whine about the pain/ discomfort, all Mark has to do is ask me the 'magic' question and it'd shut me up almost immediately. The magic question is 'Are you complaining?'. Once he asks this question, it'd remind me that this is what I wanted... this is what I have been hoping for. I went through the numerous fertility cycles just to make this happen!!

Mark and I still have not allowed ourselves to feel overtly happy about the new life yet... Guess we both have been through enough to know that things can change in a blink of the eye. One moment you can be frolicking among the stars and the next moment, you'll find yourself in the deepest pit in hell. For now, we are just taking things one day at a time. Just before we go to sleep every night, we will give our thanks to God for blessing us and giving us another day with 'little bun' (this is then followed with the nightly routine of 'good nights' to Lucas, Chloe and little one).

I have been nursing a cold for the past 2 days... The strange thing is although I am not taking any medication for my cold, I have been feeling very lethargic, light-headed and drowsy.

During my previous appointment with Dr Anu, she consulted the haematologist and they decided to go ahead and put me on injectable heparin, which Mark had been injecting into my thigh for the past week. This injection is REALLY painful, mainly because there are muscles in the thigh, and the needle, although short, is very thick. To top it all off, there is an awful burning sensation when the medication is being injected, and according to the pharmacist, we must inject it s.l.o.w.l.y or else the medication will flow back out. This is akin to prolonging my agony.

This is how my thigh looked like after 5 days of injection... it is clear where the needle has gone in, and as this is a blood thinner, the bruising is horrible. The ones with the larger areas of bruising are the earlier ones, and the ones with one big reddish dot are more recent.

Right thigh

Left thigh

Although I wasn't due to see Dr Anu until Friday the 25th, Dr Anu made a special arrangement to see me yesterday afternoon because I had a little bit of spotting on Monday. We have been warned that this is a possible side effect of the heparin, and I should contact Dr Anu if it happens. As Mark was at work, I had to go alone. The time I spent waiting for Dr Anu was agonising, but my Dr Tan made a surprise appearance at the clinic, so it was a welcome distraction!!

After seeing my Heartthrob #1 (aka Dr Tan), I was even more pleased and extremely relieved to see my little Heartthrob #2. It's grown to double it's size since a week ago and the development is right on track. It's going to be a long time till my next appointment to see Dr Anu because she will be going away for a meeting. **sigh**

'Flicker' of Hope

Yup!! We caught a glimpse of my little 'bun' and saw the all important 'flicker' (i.e. heartbeat)!! Actually I had a heart-stopping moment when the scan was done cos I couldn't see the flicker despite the doctor pointing it out to me. Fortunately Mark saw it almost immediately and when I eventually spotted it, I breathed a long sigh of relief. Mark is getting pretty good at analyzing ultrasound scans, I must say.

An appointment with the hematologist has been lined up for next week, and I have been prescribed with a daily injectable dosage of the drug Heparin, which is essentially a blood thinner. My next meeting with little 'bun' won't be until the 25th... Gosh, I already know what I will be doing from now till then. I am sure I will be on my back a lot, and constantly worrying and worrying...

The next few days will be very hectic while we prepare for the brother-in-law's wedding, but I have made a promise to Mark that I will rest and not tire myself out. I will also sit/ lay down as much as I can. I don't think I'd have any problems with keeping those promises because nausea has hit me rather hard since last Saturday and I have been struggling to keep my food down. I love my symptoms!

养儿一百岁，长忧九十九

Once again, I am nervously counting down the hours. Six long hours to go... Is everything progressing as it should? Has my little 'bun' grown? Will I see the 'flicker'? So many questions, so many things to worry about... and this is only the BEGINING.

I think I can finally understand what my mom (and all other moms) go through. When I was little, my mom would worry and fret over me whenever I fall sick and she'd lay next to me on my bed and check on me throughout the night (and 'attack' me with a cold compress if I had a fever). When I went to school, she'd ask me every night if I was eating during recess, whether I got along with my classmates, etc. During my teenage years, she'd worry about my results, whether I was mixing with the right people, whether I was dating, and if the guy was treating me right. When I went to to study in Australia, she was even more worried cos I was in a foreign country without her. During my first few weeks there, she and my dad would find every chance to call me and check if I was ok. During term breaks, if I did not fly home, my dad will never fail to come over to visit me.

After I graduated and got a job, they'd worry whenever I had to make any overseas trips and would call Mark to check if I have arrived safely. (I suspect part of the reason why my mom was so supportive when I quit my job was because she's had enough of the worrying.) Finally, when I had my miscarriages, I could sense how worried they were for me, especially my mom. Even until this day, I know she is still worried sick, especially after my major meltdown just before I quit my job last year. The way she held me in her arms while I was crying reminded me of the time when I first went to kindergarten. She held me the same exact way when I cried every night in her arms because I didn't want to go to school the following day (for the record, I cried for 2 weeks straight... and then intermittently thereafter). The only difference was that I was 5 years old then and a 34 year old now.

I haven't broken the news to her (or anyone in the family) about my 'bun' yet cos I want to spare them the agony of going through the pain and disappointment in case it fails. I am dying to share the news with my family, but for now, I am just too scared.

This Chinese saying is so true, 养儿一百岁，长忧九十九. Literal translation is 'you have a chiild for 100 years and you worry about him/ her for 99 years'.

I have been slack cos I haven't posted anything in the last 3 days and I have no excuse for myself other than, well, being slack. I haven't been feeling exactly like myself the past few days (nausea, dizziness, bloating and tiredness). However, I do not think that they are caused by hormonal changes... instead, I think I am worrying so much that I have 'caused' all these symptoms. A good night's sleep had also been evading me for quite a while, I cannot recall the last time I had an uninterrupted night of sleep. When I do eventually fall into a fitful sleep, it is filled with endless dreams (that mostly do not make sense... some are even bordering ridiculous).

Once again, I am counting down the hours until tomorrow when I get to see my 'bun', and I don't think I can breathe easy until I see the 'flicker', and until I know my 'bun' has grown. After that I can breathe a sigh of relief for a few hours before I start process of worrying all over again.

Mark's brother's wedding is in another 9 days time and I seriously have not encountered a more laidback, slack, cannot be bothered groom with zero sense of urgency. All (99%) of the arrangements and preparations are done by family members. In the past week, my poor mother-in-law had called me numerous times to ask me about what should the color theme of the the dinner banquet be, what flowers should we use for the tablepieces, how many corsages to order, what flower/s should we use for the bridal bouquet (??), etc.

The bride's gown was crocheted by my mom-in-law. I have no idea how long she took to do it. My mom-in-law also crocheted a dress for me for my wedding too (although I looked f.a.t wearing it, I wore it to make her happy, and I knew she was very happy cos at the end of the dinner, she told me how pleased and flattered she was that I wore the dress). This time round, she crocheted a black one shoulder dress for me... perhaps she didn't want me to feel left out?? Ummm... I don't think I'll be wearing it, but I have not figured out a way to break the news to her **bites nails**... I think I will leave this to Mark!! Somehow someone needs to make her understand crocheted stuff are NOT flattering at all to women are... ummm... fuller figured.

My poor father-in-law had been tasked with liaising with the hotel rep. on the banquet arrangements, headcount and number of tables required, menu, hotel room rates, guest list, etc. Mark's long-suffering sister was roped in to deal with the sourcing and the eventual purchase and transportation of liquor and wines (from KL to JB), sourcing for and liaising with the emcee, etc. Mark was given the task of preparing the video montage, selecting 2 march-in songs and putting together a song album for the dinner. I made the box for the red packets as well as the wrist corsages for the bridesmaids (below). I'm pretty pleased by how they turned out...

So where did the groom fit in in all these activities??

Somehow I managed to survive playing the waiting game yesterday and my poor overworked heart did not give up on me mid-way. I was so worried about the result that I only ate a small bowl of cornflakes in the late morning and almost made myself sick a number of times. If things go smoothly on the 'baking' front, I think there'd be a lot more 'waiting games' ahead of me, plus a lot of nail-biting, nerve-wrecking moments.

Thankfully, the check yesterday revealed that the 'bun' is in the spot where it should be in the 'oven'... this is the very first step of the journey ahead. I was so relieved, delighted and over the moon when I saw my little 'bun' (more like a grain of rice at this stage). The next phase is to pray and hope that little 'bun' will continue to grow and develop accordingly. With my past track record, anything that can go wrong went wrong, so I hope things will be dramatically different this time... I just want it to be smooth and uneventful.

Yes, there's a bun in the oven and baking is in progress!!!

Time is too slow for those who wait...

The next 6 hours is going to be so terribly hard to pass and I don't know what I am going to do. Wish that I have Mark here so that time can pass quickly. I really hate the feeling of having to wait for the result of my fate. A complex range of emotions are flooding through me. I am excited, yet terrified; counting down to it, yet hoping that I can prolong it; excited by the potential future, yet haunted by past failures; encouraged by faith, yet defeated by history.

Please give me the strength and faith that I need to go... and most importantly, lots (and lots) of good luck too.

Happy 13th Anniversary

Happy 13th Anniversary to my darling hubby and my Angels' daddy!! 13 years equates to some 4,745 days and 113,880 hours... I don't know how you manage to put up with me and my nonsense for so long cos I can barely tolerate myself, especially in the last 3 years. It must have taken some super-human effort on your part. During the course of the 3 tumultuous years, I rode the maniac waves of mental and emotional peaks and troughs. Some have chosen to walk out of my life during this time, but you have remained stoic and steadfast as my pillar of strength.

You have brought me a lot of joy and constant laughter during our years together, but in exchange, I 'rewarded' you by bringing you a lot of sadness and pain in the last 3 years. You have never once blamed me or lost patience with me over my failures. You regarded my failures as 'ours', and you'd always encourage me by saying "We will try again". If there's anything that I can do within my means to change the course of fate, I will. Simply because you deserve better.

I didn't prepare any card or present for you today because I am hoping that you will get your gift tomorrow. Frankly, I am not holding high hopes, but I am trying to keep the faith like you taught me. Assuming that if it fails, you'll still have my endless love!

Happy Anniversary, Darling... I am looking forward to spend a lifetime with you.

I woke up this morning with a strange discomfort which subsequently became more of a pain in my abdomen area. I don't recall ever feeling this way before, so I am rather concerned, as is Mark. It is a constant dull ache that feels like someone kneed me in my stomach, and the pain is worse when I am standing or walking. I guess it is no surprise that I spent most of today lying down. Even when I am lying down, I can still feel some discomfort, but it is not as acute as when I am standing... I don't think I am freaking out yet, but if it doesn't go away by tomorrow, then I think it'd warrant a visit to the doctor.

Since 'baking' is still in progress, I really hope this pain has got nothing to do with it or wouldn't affect it. Well, all I can say is each day passed is a blessing bestowed.

Recently, I have been complaining to Mark that he doesn't spend enough quality time with me... During the day, I try to leave him in peace since he is at work cos I don't want to be a distraction. When he comes home at night however, he spends most of the 3 hours before bedtime either gazing at his iPhone, iPad and/ or MacBook Air. He is always fully engrossed and totally lost in his own little techy world. I have made a conscious effort not to appear too 'needy' or whinge too much cos I don't want to sound like a 'housewife', but it is hard because since I am alone at home all day, I have no one to talk to. Hence when Mark comes home, I get excited cos I've got company.. and there's someone to talk to, but when it doesn't happen, I get annoyed and then an argument will ensue.

Gosh... hope I am not turning into a desperate attention-seeker. Maybe I need to channel and focus all my energy on my new hobby (baking) instead of getting upset over frivolous stuff.

Baking in Progress

Lately, I have taken up a new hobby - baking. The only one thing that I bake is a bun (yes, singular). The result of my bun baking is still to be decided as it is in its infancy. This bun will take some time to be ready. I don't even know yet if its been place at a suitable spot in the oven; don't know if I have gotten all the ingredients right so that it'd cook properly; don't know if my oven is good enough to bake it at the right temperature or for the correct length of time.

I need luck... lots and lots of it.

Just came back from my appointment with the TCM cos I have completed the course of medication he'd given me for the past fortnight (I have brought it along with me to Phuket and took it fathfully everyday). I just came home with another week's supply... quite surprised how much each dose of the medication costs... It is close to ten dollars per day and so far, I have already invested a mini fortune on the series of consultations, acupunctures and medication (all these on top of the expenses for the Western treatment). Well, if TCM can really aid with conception and a subsequent smooth and successful pregnancy and baby, then it is definitely money well-spent.

For now, it's to continue to drink up that funky concoction everyday and convince myself that it is working miracles within me. I have since discovered that eating chocolates immediately before and after drinking it does help to make the smell/ taste more bearable. Hee...