Finally I am back at home after being away for 10 days. It feels great to be home, other than the minor problem that I am nusing a pretty bad cold. Mark surprised me this morning by taking the day off to take me to the doctor and also take me to have my new spectacles made (I cannot find my old ones... I must've left them behind in Osaka).

I also received a surprise package in the mail after I got home. It came all the way from Australia, and it definitely put a broad smile to my face. About a month ago, I put up an entry on this range of products under this brand 'Willow Tree', and my sweet friend from Australia managed to find it and got me one called 'Thinking of You'!!!

I love it heaps and it is now proudly on display in the house.

26 June 2010

This is the bear that we got for Chloe for her anniversary. As I have mentioned previously, I was 'in-charge' of Lucas's teddy while Mark was 'in-charge' of Chloe's. This wasn't planned actually, more of a coincidence, but I find it kinda interesting because I'd always thought of Lucas being a 'Mummy's boy' whereas Chloe will be a 'Daddy's girl'... Mark picked out the bear for her, as well as the shoes, clothing and accessory. I like his choices!

On the actual day (26 June), Chloe's sweet Daddy went out early in the morning to buy her some pink roses, and also lit a candle for her at home. I brought a similar candle with me to Osaka, planning to light it in my room, but silly me forgot about getting matches/ lighter. Silly me cannot even do one small thing right.

Chloe Lee --- 1st Year Anniversary

My darling little princess - Chloe,

Was that you sending me a sweet dream last night, sweetie? I dreamt of a little girl, a toddler right about your age holding my hand... was that you? In that dream, it was almost perfect.I had a feeling that I have not felt ever since losing you and Lucas... How should I describe that feeling? It's like I finally feel 'completed' or 'whole again', like the broken part of my heart is healed, like all the wrong had been righted... While it was a beautiful dream, it was a dream nonetheless, but thank you darling, for making helping me escape the harsh reality and made me really happy for those few precious minutes.

It has been one year since the day we lost you, but the pain and anguish is still as fresh as ever, the stabbing in my heart is still as relentless as ever. Don't you ever forget that Daddy and I are missing you so much. I hope you are together with little Lucas, waiting patiently for us to be together as a family again.

Meanwhile, have fun in heaven with your brother. We'll be there shortly.

Love, hugs & kisses,

Daddy and Mummy

Knowing how tired, homesick and stressed out I am with work, Mark sent me an email this morning. I was in the middle of a discussion when it came into my inbox, and when I read it, it made me tear up right away.

I am still very bothered and upset by the fact that tomorrow is Chloe's anniversary and I am so freaking far away. Mark said that he'd get some pink roses for her tomorrow, and will light a candle at night. Wish I can be there to smell the roses and light the candle.

I was barely home for 4 hours last night after my London trip before I had to leave again for this week long trip to Osaka. Initially I was really reluctant to go on this trip because Chloe's anniversary falls in the middle of the trip. I'd rather be at home with Mark on that day (i.e. this Saturday). However, the choice isn't mine, so once again, I had to make myself do what I didn't want to.

Today is also another difficult day because this is the day that Chloe's waterbag broke a year ago, which really was the 'begining of the end'. I don't think I have stopped missing/ thinking of her for this past year... I miss her so, so much.

17 June 2010

I was on my way to London last night, and when I looked out of the window from the plane, the sky was the most beautiful I have ever seen... Zillions of twinkling stars were peppered across the velvety black skies and it was so beautiful I was admiring it for a long time. I spoke to my 2 Angels too... for some reason, I always feel closer to them whenever I am up in the air.

Ok, back to my topic for today... I meant to share what Mark and I got for Lucas on his anniversary last week, but have been so caught up with other things that I haven't done it. That evening after work, we went to 'Build a Bear' and 'built' a bear for Lucas (we also made one for Chloe since her anniversary is in 3 day's time).

I was 'in-charge' of Lucas' bear, and selected his outfit based on what I would dress my little boy in if he was here with us today. Overall, I am rather pleased with the end result, and hope that my little boy will approve of it too. (Mark was 'in-charge' of his little princess' outfit... and he got pretty carried away while trying to accessorise her bear. I will share the photos of Chloe's bear on her anniversary).

That night, we lit a scented candle for him in our bedroom.

FATHER'S DAY 2010

It is anther bittersweet day for us... Father's Day. Two years ago, Lucas gave us a huge scare because I started to bleed heavily in the evening of Father's Day 2008. That bleeding led to my miscarriage 2 days later... A year ago, I celebrated Father's Day with Mark over a dim sum lunch. I was still happy pregnant with Chloe then and had a huge appetite. We were blissfully unaware that another loss is just around the corner. Barely a week after Father's Day 2009, we ended up losing Chloe too.

This Father's Day is filled with emptiness... I feel pretty miserable because instead of making my husband the proud father of a pigeon pair, I made him the father of 2 Angels.

** Happy Father's Day, Daddy... with love from Wifey, Lucas and Chloe.

(The last card is from Huskee and Hershey)

Lucas Lee --- 2nd Year Anniversary

To my little boy Lucas,

On this day 2 years ago, you left us. It's been 2 years and we still miss you so, if we had a choice we'd never let you go. When you left that day, you took along with you your Daddy and Mummy's love, as well as a large chunk of their hearts. At the same time, you left some things behind. You left behind your heart-broken parents and you left behind a trail of tears... you also left behind treasured happy memories of the short time we had you, and you left behind your tiny footprints in our aching hearts.

I long to know how you are, and I long to know where you are...

Are you in Heaven, or are you in the winds that caress my face and dry my tears?

I wonder how you look like, and I wonder how holding you will feel like...

Would you give me butterfly kisses, or hugs to drive away the pain?

I rejoice the day I knew of your existence, and I loathe the day you went away...

I started missing you from the day you left, and I will be missing you until the day we meet again.

Loving & Missing you Today and Always,

Daddy and Mummy

Tomorrow is the 2nd year anniversary of the day we lost Lucas. Kind of amazed that it’s been 2 whole years since I faced the first major setback of my life… Clichéd as it may sound, it really seem like it only happened last week. I can still remember the emotions and the pain (yes, labour pains from miscarrying a 14 week old pregnancy should not be taken lightly too).

How do I say goodbye, when I didn't get to say hello?

I want so bad to keep you, why did I let you go?

I have so many dreams for you, and so much love I want to share

Now that you are gone, it is beyond what I can bear…

You're my firstborn, and I wanted you so much,
I never got to hold you, and it breaks my heart

The pain, the confusion and the helplessness that I feel inside

Feelings that I cannot explain, feelings I cannot describe

You'll be my sunshine in the day, and my brightest star at night

I whisper your name into the wind,
and imagine your footprints in the rustle of leaves

I was blessed to have you briefly, and then I had to let you go

I wish I knew the reason, but I guess I'll never know

Went for my ultrasound scan again this morning (2nd one for this cycle). It's already Day 15 but yet, no egg follicles in sight (a normal person would have some follicles around Day 12). The doctor decided that we will embark on a new regime for the next cycle since the oral pills don't seem to be having much of an effect on me. For the next cycle, we will combine the FSH (Follicle Stimulating Hormones) injections plus the oral pills. The injections are not something new to me... I conceived Chloe after 4 months of injections. I am not exactly looking forward to getting those injections because they hurt a lot more than a regular jab... something about the medicine being 'oil-based'.

My lucky husband will again have the honour and pleasure of administering the injections to my belly, as he had done previously. I am hoping that the combination of pills and injections will yield better results than taking the pills alone.

I don't have to go back for any more scans for the rest of this cycle... guess it is another 'wasted cycle', unless of cos if I do fall pregnant by some miracle. Since I will be travelling right around the time of my expected ovulation (Day 20-Day 22), it seems like a long shot.

A friend invited us over to her house for dinner and another couple she invited brought their little 2 year old girl along. The little cutie was so active and rambunctious, keeping all the adults entertained with her antics... We also taught her to call 'Uncle Mark' and 'Auntie Shane', which she mastered in no time. Before we left to go home, she gave Mark and I each a hug.

While in the car on our way home, Mark told me that the hug made him sad because it made him think of Chloe. As for me, it made me think of Lucas because he would have been one and a half year old now and capable of giving hugs and kisses.

A client whom I've recently caught up with over dinner sent me an email after my recent trip. She said that after seeing/ talking to me, she's glad to see that I seem to have picked myself up and looking happy. However, she also said that she had a nagging feeling that I was masking my real feelings with a cheerful disposition. I was pretty surprised by her observation because while we have known each other for 5 years, we rarely get to meet up since we are based in different countries. Moreover, I have always tried to maintain our friendship at a 'professional' level because at the end of the day, she's still my client.

Interesting how someone who is not close to me could pick up on something that people whom I consider my nearest and dearest haven't noticed.

A true friend is someone who sees the pain in your eyes while

everyone else believes the smile on your face.

There's something I don't quite understand... if you use protection during sex and yet still got pregnant, then this is well and truly an 'unplanned' pregnancy. But if you have sex without using protection, and got pregnant, how can you call it 'unplanned'? I guess not everyone is aware that unprotected sex can lead to pregnancy (in most cases... certainly not mine though).

True enough, June is definitely NOT my month... not before, not now and probably not ever. Mark broke the news (just before dinner no less) that our new sister-in-law is pregnant. Wedding banquet has to be expedited from November to next month. I cannot quite understand it... she's only in town barely 3 months and my brother-in-law managed to knock her up.

I find it hard to understand why others can fall pregnant so easily without even having to try, but look at yours truly? After all that I have gone through, I am still TRYING to fall pregnant. Even if I do succeed in getting pregnant, there's no guarantee that I'd walk away with a healthy baby at the end of it. Mark kept asking me I am so bothered by the news, and for the sake of his sanity and mine, I have put together a list, which would hopefully satisfy him.

1) Why is she able to get pregnant so easily? A simple Vietnamese girl like her can get pregnant without even trying. I have tried so long and hard, but look at where I am. I feel like a failure, a loser, a real hopeless case. So what if I have a nice house, a job that pays well, an MBA, mountain loads of luxury items, etc.. they mean nothing to me because they are not what I want, and yet, sardonically, I cannot have what I want.

2) Everyone will be so joyous and happy over the new baby and Mark’s house will be filled with the laugter of many kids, except ours. Would anyone bother to take a moment to think of Lucas and Chloe at all?

3) I feel like I have let everyone down… my family, Mark’s family, and more importantly, Mark. Now his brother/ sister/ cousins all have their own families complete with a baby, except us. We will have to continue to look on with envy and pretend that it does not matter...

4) I am darn angry with myself and with God. I hate the fact that my life is not going the way that I'd hoped it would.

I guess Mark was also peeved with me over my reaction. He expected some reaction from me, but not to the extent that I exhibited. He felt that I should be happy for his brother and sis-in-law, and I know that I should be. But well, I don't think I have honed my skills to perfection yet. I cannot smile and be happy when all the wounds in my heart are torn apart. How can I be happy when jealousy consumes me?!

Knowing how my adverse reaction would bother Mark, I fought hard to hold back my tears throughout dinner until I reached the safety of the bathroom at home where I sat in the bathtob and cried hard with the sound of water drowining out my sobs.

I know I am a selfish bitch for reacting the way that I did, but can someone teach me how I should have reacted instead?

We wanted to buy Lucas and Chloe something from Disneyland and ended up getting them a Mickey and Minnie figurine each. I initially wanted to get each of them a soft toy, but problem is it'd take up too much space in their respective Treasure Chests, which is already quite full, so I had to forego them for something smaller and more practical.

The past 5 days have gone by in a whirl... I was busy being sick, coughing up a storm, eating, walking, shopping, taking photos, etc. Hard to believe that I am back in Singapore and will be back to work tomorrow.

While going through the photos we took in Hong Kong, it became apparent to me that majority of the photos we took has some element of food in them! Some classic examples below...

Abalone porridge

Happy boy and his Roasted Goose Drumstick

"Minnie Mouse' and her popcorn

Macaroni Soup with Abalone and Ham

More Roasted Goose

Our 'Family Outing' to Hong Kong Disneyland

Mark and I spent a very fun day in Disneyland yesterday... this is our 3rd visit there, and it is also the time where we have spent the longest time - from 1pm to 8pm!! Both of us were totally knackered from the outing, but the fireworks at the end is the perfect climax to an enjoyable day (other than the fact that my cough became so bad that I sounded like a toad).

We saw so many families there since it school is out and I can't help but look on wistfully. Mark told me that our Angels are with us in Disneyland, so we were there as a 'family' too. I was rather skeptical... Later in the afternoon, Mark went into one of the souvenir shops and this sales assistant started chatting with him. In the end, she handed him her namecard and guess what's her name?!! Chloe!! When he recounted the story to me and showed me the card, I couldn't help but grin. It may just be sheer coincidence, but to me, I will take it that it's a sign that I was looking for.

I went googling for 'I hate June' and found this image instead... a little boy and a little girl reading under a tree... (I think it is meant to be some coloring activity kit for kids). Well, it did bring a smile to my face when I saw it, but hey, that doesn't mean that I dislike the month of June any lesser.



Looking forward to my short getaway with Mark tomorrow... Shopping, eating, more shopping, and even more eating!!

This is Exactly the Reason Why I Hate June

It wasn't even 01 June yet and I've already got my bad news. I got the first sign that I am getting my period in the late afternoon and true enough, by nightfall what I was hoping wouldn't come true was confirmed, and it 'arrived' right on schedule too. Drats!!! Well at least it didn't prolong my agony of waiting more days.

Disappointed? Absolutely.

Upset with myself? No doubt about it.

Demoralised? More so now than ever.

Now it's back to the good old drawing board again... More medication, more ultrasound scans, more waiting... and perhaps more disappointment.

I confided in my BFF last night and asked her I am seriously begining to wonder why I even bother to continue trying. Her reply was short and sweet 'Because you are born to be a mother. You'll be a damn good mom, that's why.' I really hope so...

I certainly hope this is the only bad news for this June. What a way to start a brand new month...