Work has kept me so busy that I didn't even find the time to blog yesterday... On Monday night, I received an urgent request from the boss to attend a meeting with a prospective client on Tue morning and it totally messed up my schedule. Anyway, I went into the office as requested, albeit reluctantly (how can I turn the boss down??). While waiting for the folks from the client's side to arrive, the GM of the local office mentioned that his IT guy is on paternity leave this week as his wife recently gave birth. He then proceeded to show me a photo of the colleague and his new baby. WTF!!!!... My morning was already off to a bad start without needing reminder of what I have lost and what I do NOT have.
Nonetheless, I pretended to look politely at the photo for all of 3 seconds... afterall, this is the social expectation, isn't it? No matter much I dread/ hate/ dislike doing certain things, I still have to do it simply because there is an expectation... Like how I am expected to look normal and happy even though I truly am not. Like how I pretend that I have 'recovered' from losing Chloe because it is almost 9 months and people expect expect me to move on. I had a colleague who actually told me a few months ago that 'Ohh, it's been so long already, you should have gotten over it by now'... Fact is, I will never be 'over it', unless dementia strikes me.
I have been feeling so frustrated and pulled apart by 'What I FEEL is right' versus 'What I THINK is right'. Most, if not all, of the time, I go for 'What I THINK is right' because it seems more factual and reliable than a feeling/ emotion. But now, I have almost had enough of it and for once, I hope I can do 'What I FEEL is right'... I want to do what my heart desires, and not what my brain tells me.
Now, I FEEL like quitting my job. Pronto.
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