Incomplete Puzzle

I went to a shopping mall yesterday with the intention of having a meal and doing some window shopping, but I left right after my meal because all the festive decorations and Christmas songs were making me depressed for some strange reason. There is so much happiness and merriment all around... and it makes me feel so alone in the sea of happy faces of shoppers doing their Christmas shopping. I stand out like a sore thumb because I feel no happiness or joy inside of me... instead, what I feel is loneliness and a sense of hollowness, like a big piece is missing from the jigsaw of my life. The only problem is I do not know where I can find the missing piece to make me whole again.

While most people are joyously counting down to the Christmas and New Year celebrations, I find myself asking for the 2nd consecutive Christmas/ New Year - 'What is there for me to be happy about?'.

What a way to start the brand new week... I woke up with a headache (again). Can't understand why the headaches are becoming so frequent, and I wonder if it is due to the disrupted sleep that I am getting at night. Today is Mark's first day of work at the new place, and I had meant to wake up early to make him coffee and a light breakfast, but I was in so much pain I couldn't even drag myself out of bed. I didn't even give him a hug and good-luck kiss... so much for being a good wife!!

At least I made him a decent dinner last night --- Grilled pork loin stuffed with bacon and cheese with a serving of seafood salad. I am trying out some new dishes and my poor hubby is the guinea pig. Good thing that he is a good sport and gives me constructive feedback, e.g. the pork was a little too well done and ended up being dry.

I may go to the pool during lunchtime if the headache hasn't killed me by then...

Hysterosalpingogram (HSG) --- Part II

Mark went with me for my appointment with the fertility doctor and we got t

he results of my HSG. The results are that of a normal woman, i.e. my fallopian tubes are not blocked, there is no abnormalities and the uterus looks fine. This paves way for the fertility treatments that the doc will be starting me on in early Jan. Hopefully if I do get pregnant naturally before that time, then I won't have to rely on the Clomid pills, though the possiblilty of this is quite remote.

I have mixed feelings about starting with the fertility treatments... On one hand, I am very excited and looking forward to some good news, but on the other hand, I am feeling totally nervous and worried about what the future will bring this time.

Questions Without Answers...

Read an article in the newspaper this morning about a dialysis patient in Singapore who gave birth prematurely at 24 weeks to a pair of twin girls (read article here). The babies are obviously premmies and are in NICU... I really wonder how their conditons are and the outlook for their survivals and for going on to lead a full life.

Chloe was born at exactly 24 weeks and 2 days, and until today I am still wondering if we did the right thing by heeding the doctors' advice. She might still be with us today if we had decided to go against the advice... Should I have taken that gamble and opted to save her despite all the possible complications? Did we rob her of the chance to live? What would SHE have wanted for us to do?

Lucas's 1st Birthday (The Day After...)

This is the little bear that I got for Lucas as his 1st Birthday gift. I wanted to get a bigger one, but considering the size of his Treasure Chest, a bigger bear will take up most of the remaining space that's left. So I had to be practical and settled for this little one. I have always liked the bears from the 'Tatty Teddy' series and when Mark and I first started dating, all the cards that I gave him were from this series (I had no choice but to get other cards when they ran out of new designs that I haven't already bought!!).

At that time, the bear wasn't grey... it was brown with colorful 'patchework' and it somehow morphed into this current version through the years. Since this bear has a special significance in our relationship, and I thought it'd be nice to get something from this range for Lucas (and Chloe) since they are part of us. I saw some cute little ones wearing Santa's hat too... I may get that for my babies for Christmas. I realize that I am still pretty crazy about this bear after all these years... cannot resist that sad, forlorn look!!

I also wrote a birthday card to Lucas, and I hope he gets my message... I couldn't hold back the tears came as I was writing, and some of it accidentally dripped onto the card, resulting in the blotches...

I didn't leave Chloe out, so she's also got her own Tatty Teddy as well... Her teddy wears a pink T-shirt with the words 'Hugs and Kisses'. Thought it was quite apt because I am fond of signing off letters/emails with 'hugs and kisses' or simply 'XOXO'.

I hope my Angels like their little bears... (and I can't wait to get them their Christmas presents next).

Today --- 09 Dec 2009

Today should have been a very happy day…
Today should have been a day filled with joyous laughter…
Today we should have had a party at our house…
Today should have been a day filled with cookies, candies, party hats, colorful party banners and a birthday cake…
Today, a little boy should have been surrounded by all his loved ones and wrapped around the love of his parents (and his parents firmly wrapped around his little finger).
Today, a little boy should have been gleefully ripping apart the packages of his presents.
Today, a little boy should be hearing the ‘Happy Birthday’ song sang to him for the very first time.
Today, a little boy should be blowing out the single candle on his birthday cake.
Today, my baby boy Lucas should have turned 1 year old.

Instead of all the above, what do we have here today?

We have a dreadfully quiet house.
We have nothing to celebrate.
There is no ‘Happy Birthday’ to sing.
There is a mother typing away on her laptop with tears streaming down her face, her eyes puffy from crying and her heart hurting like crazy.

**************************************************

To my beloved little boy, Lucas -

Happy 1st Birthday to you, Sweetheart.

I can't believe how quickly time flies,

And I can't imagine how I managed to get here without you by my side.

I want you to know that you are never far from my mind,

And I think about you and Chloe all the time.

I hope you are happy in Heaven,

And I hope you are thinking of me and missing me too.

Please know that Daddy and Mummy love you so,

And please believe that we'll be reunited sometime soon.

Happy Birthday, Lucas...

With all my love,

Mummy

Back to Reality...

My vacation was over before I know it... The weekend just flew by and I enjoyed it more than I had initially expected. I guess that's partly because:

• There is no Hershey there to wind me up and I can sleep in peace and wake up anytime I want!


• We made a last minute decision to check into Hilton Kuala Lumpur for 2 nights... I called my contacts at Hilton to pull some strings and he got us upgraded to the Executive Club floor. It came with a nice room (definitely not the most luxurious room I have stayed in, but was not too bad); there was all-day light refreshments available at the Club Lounge; free flow of wine/ beer every evening from 6-8pm; complimentary laundry (4 pieces daily) which meant that I don't have to wash/ iron so much clothes when I return (this is a B.I.G plus!!)


• I got to soak in the 'plus size' bath-tub... our bath-tub at home is too small and doesn't allow me to fully stretch out.

Mark had a craving for durians, so his sis and bro-in-law took us out for a durian feast. Sadly, as it is not durian season now, the durians we had were not finger-licking good. They were kind of bland and lacked that strong, pungent taste. The last good durian I had was when I was expecting Chloe... I think I had a durian overdose, and it was so 'heaty' that I had nosebleeds on 2 occasions. LOL!! I am glad Chloe got to try out some durians though... I hope she likes them as much as I do.

Anyway, it is back to reality again... I am already looking forward to the next short break.. hopefully it'd be to Phuket!

Going Away

Can't go back to sleep after waking up from another weird dream... I can't seem to have enough of them!! It is 4.50am now and I have been awake for the last 2 hours. Strangely, I feel alert and wide awake, so much so that I had been working on my work emails and sending out emails at 4am. I wonder if subconsciously, I am too hung up over work. The past few days have been pretty wild and I am actually quite anxious about being away for the next couple of days without access to the internet!! Oh dear, I think this is not a good sign **chews on nails**.

Hopefully I'll be able to unwind a little in the next couple of days... I must remind myself NOT to be a fuss pot and make my poor husband's ears suffer. He deserves a break for putting up with me so patiently for the last few months. I guess it'd be a while before Mark and I can go on any vacation too since he'll be starting on a new job on 14 Dec, so I had better make this holiday a good, albeit short, one.

** To my 2 Angels, Mummy will be thinking of you and missing you no matter where I go. Sending you all my love and hugs... **

Amanda's Mummy...

Amanda's mummy, Ashley, had been warded in hospital since Friday and I went to visit her yesterday. She was suffering from a 'mysterious' ailment that came on rather suddenly and the doctors didn't seem to know what was the cause of it despite thorough checks. I felt so sorry for her because going through the physical pain is one thing, but the bigger worry is not knowing what triggered it. It's like me not knowing the cause of my miscarriages until today... **sigh**

Anyway, it was our first meeting and I have to admit that it's kinda weird meeting someone for the first time in a hospital!! Ashley is really nice; very chatty and sincere and we ended up talking non-stop for 2 hours about Amanda, Chloe, my fertility plans, her job, our dogs, 'higher powers', etc... I was a little worried initially that it'd be an awkward situation since we have only been exchanging smses and I haven't met or even spoken to her before, but fortunately it turned out quite well and it was a nice meeting. I do hope I'd get to meet her (and my god-daughter, Amanda!!) when she's discharged from hospital and feeling better.

While I was there, Ashley's in-laws dropped in as well and her mom-in-law asked me if I was married and whether I have kids. The first question is easy enough, but I balked briefly at the second one. Ashley then whispered to me that in such situations, I should say 'soon', rather than 'no' or 'not yet'. It is an old wives' belief that her aunt taught her and I think I like the idea of it cos it feels 'positive'. I have decided that this will be my standard answer if I ever get asked this question again.

I really hope that Ashley recovers soon cos I am sure she's missing her baby and Amanda's also missing her mummy. I think I can understand how painful the feeling of missing someone can be because on a daily basis, I am missing my Lucas and Chloe.

'Missing you could turn from pain to pleasure,

if I knew you were missing me too'...

Ahhhhh.....

Gosh, work has been so hectic since last week, especially with the de-implementation and transition of ML... So many last minute issues have cropped up that I feel like I am getting one heart attack after another. I don't understand why, but it has always been the case that just before I go on any annual leave over 3 days, there is suddenly a lot of 'urgent' stuff that needs my attention and a lot of conference calls to attend. There's just one more work day to go before I take a 3 day hiatus from work and the thought of not being able to check my emails is begining to freak me out.

It's not that I am 'indispensible' but I guess being the (failed) perfectionist that I am, I want everything to be as close to perfection as possible. I'd have thought that I had learnt the invaluable lesson that life is never going to be perfect for me... well, apparently not. Mark told me on Saturday that I need to lower my expectations of myself and of others so that I can be a happier and less stressed up. I need to learn how to 'let go'... but in reality it is easier said than done. I think I will make this my resolution for 2010.

On the personal front, there are so many things left undone too... I have yet to pack our bags for the trip, have not prepared Hershey's food for the next 4 days, have not bought the stuff that my sis-in-law wants me to help her buy, have not sent out one single Christmas card, etc...

I really wish I can find a hole to crawl into and hopefully never come out (ahhh... I have to add the hole digging to my 'To Do' list too)...