Home Sweet Home

The doctors decided to discharge me and I am now back at home after close to 3 weeks in the hospital! It feels awesome to be back at home and sleeping on my bed (and having my bathroom privileges reinstated). It's a miracle that my contractions disappeared as suddenly as they started, but hey, I am not complaining! Still continuing with my bed rest although I am now allowed to walk around a bit (they are worried about my Thrombophilia giving me blood clots) to get my blood circulating.

Mark and I are beyond grateful that little bun had decided to stay put for a little while longer, and the doctors are equally happy that I have held on till now. I don't think anyone expected this... It was unspoken, but I know all of us thought that little bun would arrive as soon as I was taken off Salbutamol and after the cervival stitch was removed. Little bun is in a much better position now than 3 weeks ago when my contractions first started. He/she is definitely still preterm, but the lungs should have matured enough over the last 3 weeks.

Right now all there is left to do is to wait until little bun decides to make his/her grand entrance. I am hoping that it won't happen for another 2 weeks, but then should it happen anytime before that, I won't be complaining cos we have already been so lucky as it is to make it thus far.

I am certain 'someone' was definitely watching over little bun and I during the past 3 weeks and I am grateful beyond words. Thank you.

To everyone who had been emailing me and/or sending me SMSes with words of support and encouragement, I thank you from the bottom of my heart too. When things were looking bleak and so very scary, your words really mean so much. I have started talking to little bun every night ever since the hospital stay and I never fail to let him/her know how many people love and care about us. During one long and lonely night in hospital, I asked my guardian angel for a sign that he/she is indeed watching over us... I guess I should have known that I am surrounded by guardian angels in the form my friends. Thank you.

Day 19

So what are the odds of something like this happening? I've been doing well enough to be sent off to the normal ward (was previously holed up in the delivery suite for the past 2 weeks in case I really go into full-blown labour). Anyway, the bed that they sent me to is that EXACT SAME one that I was put in 2.5 years ago when I had Chloe!! It's a huge ward with many beds, but as fate would have it, I've been assigned the very same one. It certainly did bring back a lot of sad memories. Lying at the same spot looking up at the same ceiling with another baby inside my womb certainly did feel strange.

The doctor just came by on his round and told me he's very happy with my progress and that little bun seems to have changed his/her mind about arriving anytime soon. It appears that all our prayers and little chats that Mark and I had been having with little bun is working. Actually Mark's 'conversation' with little bun only comprises of one word - 'Wait'. Hope that little bun continues to be a good baby and waits a little bit longer before greeting the world.

Today is already my 19th day in hospital... 19 blessed days. So far my bill has reached around S$15k. Very scary, I know, but Mark and I promised little bun when we first found out I was pregnant that we will do everything within our means to protect him/her.

The cervical suture was removed yesterday morning and the removal process was not only painful (done without any anesthetic) and uncomfortable but extremely awkward as well. Basically my legs were propped up and raised in a very unglamourous and undignified position while the doctor removed the 2 stitches. Oh, I forgot to add that at least 6 pairs of eyes were watching the whole procedure which lasted around 15 minutes. The doctor was very impressed that I didn't use the gas they provided to alleviate the pain... I wanted to tell him it's because I was torn between pain and embarrassment. Still can't decide which is worse. Anyway, I'm glad it's all behind me now and I'm still grateful that those little 2 stitches helped to keep little bun in me till now.

As expected, the removal of the stitches led to some bleeding and even more contractions. They've also taken me off Salbutamol once the stitches were removed... From then on it's 'come what may' and they are all prepared should little bun decide to make his/her grand entrance. I'm pleased and very relieved that the contractions gradually subsided and eventually faded away totally!! It's a real miracle! I've finally been allowed bathroom privileges today and took my first hot shower in more than 2 weeks!!

From here on, we are just playing the waiting game. Of course every extra day is an added bonus and I'm still fighting tooth and nail to keep little bun inside me for as long as I can. I had another scan done this afternoon and little bun's weight is now around 2.2kg. I'm hoping that we'll make it till little bun weighs at least 2.5kg or more. Till then, I reckon they will continue to keep me in hospital and monitor me closely. As I have encountered before, the contractions can just hit without any warning so we are not taking any chances.

Hang in there, little bun. Daddy and Mummy are eager to meet you but we'd rather wait a few more weeks till you are stronger.

'Second Week Anniversary'

It's Saturday again.. I've lost count of the days cos each day is no different from the last. I actually thought that yesterday was Thursday and Mark had to correct me. Mark and I are so grateful that we've managed to buy more time for little bun and so far, he/she has been very cooperative in what I'd like to think of as our first joint 'project' as a family.

The nurses at the ward are incredibly encouraging and supportive. Their 'niceness' have made this long stay in bed somewhat more bearable. Some of them will even pop in just to say 'hi' when they begin their shift even if they may not be assigned to take care of me. I've made a mental note to get them something (possibly a cake or cookies) when things have settled down. Oh and the nurses at the clinic where I got my IVIG infusions found out about my hospitalization and came to visit me too! They even bought me a cute teddy to cheer me up. On top of it, I also got a surprise visit from my hematologist (the one who takes care of my Thrombophilia and ensures my bloodwork is normal). I'm so touched by their little gesture... Normally this ward doesn't allow visitors other than the patient's husband but since they are staff here, I guess they have certain privileges!

I hope little bun knows SO many people care and are rooting for him/her. The big day could very well be next week once the cerclage is removed. The mixed feelings of excitement to finally meet the little person who has been growing inside me and who have been the sole purpose of my life for the past 8 months is heavily laced with worry for his/her health. As it is, I am already head over heels in love with this little person whom I've never met, and it makes me wonder how I can possibly find even more love in me to shower on little bun when we finally meet.

Ohh and for the record, Mark and I still haven't thought of possible names for little bun. No cot, no clothes, no stroller, no mittens and booties, no milk bottles, no name... Basically we still haven't prepared a single item for little bun. Hope this doesn't make us bad parents!! Poor baby, but Mark and I swore that we will make it up to him/her later on.

Day 12

This is my 12th day in hospital and I still haven't left the bed that I first laid on 12 days ago! So far those 'close shave' episodes seem to be getting more frequent. We've also noticed a trend in the contractions, they tend to worsen just before meal times and would last from a span of between 1 to 3 hours afterwards. I've resorted to taking my meals while lying reclined.. it certainly isn't the most comfortable position to eat your food (plus I'd end up dropping food all over myself) but I'd pick anything over contraction pains.

The plan now is to drag on until next week and my cervical stitch will be removed in preparation for when actual labour happens. Now the 2 things that are holding little bun in place are the stitch and salbutamol (not forgetting a very large dose of faith). I'd be happy to keep the stitch for another week or so, but the doctor is concerned that the contractions will cause my cervix to rupture and I was told that should that happen, I will have massive blood loss and permanent irreparable damage to my cervix. I have a feeling that once they take the stitch is out, labour will be imminent.

Dr Anu is still on medical leave (found out she caught pneumonia from a patient) but we have been exchanging text messages very frequently. Although she isn't feeling well, she's been keeping herself updated on my case and communicating with the nurses here as well as the doctor who is taking care of me in her absence. I've also been keeping her updated on my end and she's been so encouraging. Seems like she should be back to work next week and this is a news that I welcome! I'd really like for her to be the one to help me deliver little bun since she's been there right from the start. It just feels right for her to cross the 'finish line' with us.

Mark and I are immensely grateful for every extra day little bun stays 'in'. It's without doubt that little bun will arrive earlier than expected, but I just hope he/she will not have any health concerns and wouldn't need too long a stay in NICU.

Keeping the faith...

'One Week Anniversary'

Yesterday marked my 'One Week Anniversary' in hospital. Mark and I allowed ourselves a tiny bit of satisfaction that we've made it through one more crucial week. For the record, I have been lying in this same bed for over a week and this is the longest time my feet haven't touched solid ground! What do I miss the most? The bathroom. Plus a long, hot shower and a good hairwash.

This past week hasn't been without a few close shaves when my contractions were consistent and intensified. At the peak, I think I had 1 contraction every 2-3 minutes!! I have been on this drug 'Salbutamol' for 1 week and 1 day now... I'm so dependent it to control my contractions that I wouldn't know what I'd do without it. I've joked to the nurses that it is my new 'best friend'. Hoping that my body won't become 'immune' to it cos the dosage seems to be getting higher.. Totally opposite of what the doctors had initially hoped to achieve i.e. to take off the drug or at least keep it low.

Mark and I are uber thankful that little bun still seems to be thriving and seemingly unaffected by what is happening 'outside'. The heartbeat is strong and I've been feeling a lot of movements from my precious bub. Some of these movements made me giggle cos it feels ticklish while others made me grimace in pain (like when little bun's legs are resting/kicking on my left rib cage.. This happens rather frequently!!). Whatever the case is, I'm happy that he/she is thriving. I'd rather little bun stays 'in' and continues to grow and put on weight inside my womb and let mummy go through all the physical pain than for him/her to be born and then have to be hooked up to tubes and monitors.

This morning the nurse was chatting with me and told me that another lady in the ward just delivered a 24week old baby during the wee hours. The parents opted to resuscitate the baby, who is now in NICU, but the condition is bleak. It's so heartbreaking and I feel for the parents and their little baby. It reminds me so much of my sweet Chloe, whom I lost also at 24weeks. Can't help but ask myself WHY do such things happen?!! No parent deserves to go through the pain of losing their child, regardless of the child's age!!

Day 04

Last evening was very 'eventful' and we had a close shave. Contractions got pretty bad in the evening and progressively worsened. The dosage of the medicine that they gave me to control the contractions was increased steadily from 2ml in the late afternoon to 15ml (maximum dose) by midnight. I've been on that drug for 4 whole days now and it's a matter of time before the doctors decided to stop it since it is not good for me to be on it for too long. Side effects are heart palpitations and shivering. Since Saturday, my heartbeats per minute averages between 110-120. I'm thankful that my heart hasn't given up on me like how the rest of my organs have. It's still bearing the onslaught of drugs that's been pumped steadily into my body rather well.

The good thing to note is that this drug only affects the mother and not the baby, so in a way, we've so far given little bun another 4 precious days in my womb. If the doctors don't call halt, I'd be more than happy to continue on with it for as long as I possibly can to give little bun more time inside me.

Right now there's quite a lot to pray for: For my heart not to 'give up' on me; For my cervix to stay closed and unaffected by the contractions; For the contractions to taper down and disappear totally; For little bun to hang on inside the cosy warmth of my womb for yet a little while longer...

*** Dear God, please don't give up on me just yet... ***

Mid-Autumn Festival 2011

I have been in hospital since Saturday morning due to preterm contractions. They are not the serious full-blown kind of contractions but nevertheless a cause for concern obviously as it could lead to preterm labour and dilating of my cervix, which CANNOT happen at this stage!! It's still too early for liitle bun to greet the world!!! Despite being given drugs round the clock to calm my uterus down (which also gave me servere heat palpitations), it seems like the contractions return once the dosage is reduced. Hence I've been under close observation for the past 2 days ever since I've been admitted.

This is not the way I'd envisioned spending Mid-Autumn Festival... I'd initially prepared some lanterns which I planned to light up tonight to hang at my balcony, one for each of my Angels, similar to what I'd done last year. So much for my plans. It does appear that I will have to remain in hospital for a while longer. Mark actually prefers that if possible, I should stay here for another 2 weeks so that there are professionals to look after little bun and I. I'm giving this option serious thought because much as I don't like to stay in the hospital, this seem to be the best option for now.

From now on, I'm happy for every additional day that passes uneventfully. If little bun can stay put for another fortnight or more, it'd certainly make a big difference in his/her health at birth, and this is exactly what the doctors and us are trying to achieve.

Prayers and good thoughts will be appreciated.

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HAPPY MID-AUTUMN FESTIVAL to my darling Angels... Daddy & Mummy loves you.

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During my last ultrasound scan, the sonographer pointed out to me little bun's exact position in my tummy. I was very surprised when she told me that little bun's legs are folded right under my left ribcage... I didn't expect little bun to be quite so big/long. No wonder I keep getting feelings of indigestion and heartburn. His/her back is nestled on the right side of my tummy while the head is down (cephalic) and resting right above my cervix.

Several times when I am lying flat on my back with both palms on my tummy, I can feel a little elbow (or was it a knee??) pushing back against my palms. My tummy also contorts to odd shapes depending on little bun's movements. It's a joy to watch. Sometimes little bun will give a mighty kick and I can feel air being knocked out of my lungs. It's a very strange feeling and I savour every moment and every movement.

Unfortunately Mark is still extremely wary and squirmish about touching my tummy.. he's very worried about injuring little bun (??) and refuses to place any pressure at all on my tummy. I tried in vain to convince him otherwise but he just won't believe me. I think little bun is a cheeky one cos there had been a couple of times where he/she would give a kick just when Mark placed his hands on my tummy. Mark's reaction will be to draw his hands away as if he'd been scalded and then he'd jump back 10 feet. Heeheehee...

Egg-splosion

Woke up early so decided to boil some hard boiled eggs for Hershey's breakfast and for myself for my caesar salad lunch. I left the 3 eggs in the pot to boil while I ate my breakfast in the bedroom... Somehow, while watching the Martha Stewart show, I dozed off and totally forgot about the pot of eggs that were merrily cooking away. The pot of water dried out and then one thing led to another.

The next thing I knew was a deafening bang that roused me from my slumber. I still had no idea what it was until I went into the kitchen and saw the mess. There were eggs and shells EVERYWHERE. On the ceiling... on the floor.. between the louvers of my kitchen blinds... all over my stove and cooker hood... on the sides of my fridge.. you name it, egg is there. The smell was horrid too.. Yucks!!

I stood at the entrance of the kitchen with Hershey and stared at the mess for a good 10 seconds before cursing myself under my breath. Couldn't believe just how dumb and careless I was. Good thing Hershey was with me in the rooom and not in the kitchen at that time. My poor girl was already so spooked by the loud 'bang' she refused to go into the kitchen for a long time.

Part of the ceiling that's been 'decorated' with eggs.

Tried cleaning up the mess on my own but raised the white flag after 45min... I called my mom and sheepishly told her what happened. She came over immediately (I think she's worried that I'd attempt to climb up the ladder to clean the ceiling myself). For the record, the cleaning up process took over 5 hours. Until now, I can still find bits and pieces of those darn egg shells all over.

Gosh.. I am totally perplexed. When I last did my scan on the level of amniotic fluid (otherwise also referred to as AFI - Amniotic Fluid Index) on 26 Aug, my AFI was 16, which is in the normal range. When the same scan was done today, my AFI was only 8. For most of the duration of the pregnancy, Dr Anu and I have been worrying about me having too much amniotic fluid i.e. polyhydramnios but now it seems like I have to worry about oligohydramnios instead. I am at a loss and totally baffled by my body... super worried to say the least. If the level continues to dip, an induced early labour is in the horizon.

Having too much or too little amniotic fluid is not a good thing for little bun. The acceptable range is between 5-25, and clearly, I am bordering the lower end. I have been sent home with the advice to drink lots of water and to continue with my bedrest. I have also been told to monitor little bun's movements... ideally I should be recording at least 4 movements in the span of 3 hours. To be honest, because of my own paranoia, I have already been monitoring little bun's movements for the past few weeks. I try to take note of a movement periodically throughout the day, and if I feel that little bun has been too quiet, I'd proke and prod my tummy until I get some sort of a response. My poor baby... his/her sleep is regularly disrupted by this mean mom.

Due to my low AFI, they also decided to do an unscheduled growth scan for little bun to ensure that he/she is growing (cos a low AFI could be an indication that the baby is not growing or that there is a problem with the placenta function). I was so happy to learn that little bun now weighs around 1.7kg (during the last scan at 28 weeks, little bun's weight was 1.2kg). His/her size is right in the middle of the desired growth range. During the scan, we saw little bun's right hand gently curled up and resting on his/her face. It was a wonderful moment when I saw the chubby little fingers in 3D...

Trying hard to keep the faith going... it's wearisome riding this rollercoaster of emotions week after week, and having one thing after another to worry about. Stay safe, my little baby.

A friend who is an obstetrician/gynaecologist in Melbourne sent me an email over the weekend asking me the 2 all important questions - #1) When do I intend to deliver and #2) Have I/we thought of the mode of delivery?

Well, I don't think I have a choice in #1 cos it really is in the hands of God. But assuming if litle bun and I can make it 'all the way', then my target is anything between 36 to 38 weeks. As for #2, Mark and I have casually discussed this recently but haven't really come to any conclusion although I am leaning more towards a caesarean section, simply because it is safer for little bun. My friend actually shared with me his point of view.. IF he was a woman with my kind of medical record and history, he'd definitely opt for a caesarean section as it is the safest mode of delivery for the baby. Rather glad that he seconds my preference...

Psychologically, I am rather afraid and apprehensive about going through a natural labour again because the last 2 didn't leave me with happy memories. I think I have sub-consciously placed some sort of a 'mental block' there and I try to avoid thinking about it... It is not something that I'd ever forget in my lifetime, but just that I prefer to keep locked away in my mind and my heart. Now when I look back, I recall clearly that what was going through my mind in the midst of the excruciating pain (especially in Chloe's case) was that my babies weren't going to come home with me... Plus I was very close to punching Mark in the face because he kept shoving the darn oxygen mask in my face!! In most cases, parents cry tears of joy at the birth of their newborns, but Mark and I shed tears of pain and sorrow. Certainly one of, if not the most, painful moments of my life and certainly not something that I want to go through or be reminded of ever again.

I'll be seeing Dr Anu's replacement tomorrow (oh, I miss my Dr Anu already!!) and perhaps it is something I can discuss with him... might be a bit too early though.. maybe I should wait till early October.

See you tomorrow, little bun!

Part 2

Sent Dr Anu a text message to wish her well (since I didn't know what her ailment was). She responded almost immediately that she is fine but had to be quarantined (??) because of contact with a patient (whom I presume had a infectious disease). Happy to hear that she is alright and that the quarantine is just a precautionary measure. If all goes well, she should be back in action in about 3 weeks.

I hope that things continue to progress as they should for the next few weeks and little bun will be a good baby and stays put inside at least until Dr Anu is back. Feeling rather lost and helpless without her (oh boy am I needy!!). Geez... 3 weeks is a long time.

Part 1

Just received a call from Dr Anu's nurse and I am hyperventilating BIG TIME!! The nurse informed me that Dr Anu will be on medical leave for at least 3 to 4 weeks (I didn't want to probe any further). AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! What are little bun and I going to do without our 'security blanket'??!! What am I going to do without her???! Oh dear, oh dear...

During her absence, I will be transferred to the care of another doctor (he's a Professor actually) and is also Dr Anu's 'senior'. I guess he is very experienced, possibly even more experienced than Dr Anu, and I have had some brief contact with him previously. Seems like a very knowledgeable guy... but but but... he is NOT Dr Anu!! **boo hoo**

I am feeling breathless and light-headed... need to lie down. Will send Dr Anu a text message later on to wish her well.

... Finally satisfied...

Have I mentioned before that my sister is the best? She bought me my durian mooncake and I finally got my craving satisfied last night with a yummy little morsel of the durian mooncake (never mind the fact that I had to share it with Hershey). It was soooo darn good... each tiny nibble was like a piece of heaven, perhaps even yummier. Yes, according to my version of 'Heaven', it is not only the place where my Angels are waiting for me, but also a place filled with the expensive, high grade good-quality durians, and by that, I mean only 'Mao Shan Wang' which is otherwise nicknamed as the 'King of Durians'.

I 'inherited' my love for durians from my parents, who are avid durian-lovers. Strangely, my sister is the only one in the family who doesn't like durians (even both the dogs are crazy about durians). Basically my sis cannot tolerate its pungent smell. According to my mom, she had crazy cravings for durians when she was expecting my sister and indulged in a lot of it. Perhaps my sis had an 'overdose' of durians while she was still in mom's womb, hence turning her off this yummy fruit thereafter.

Each box originally comes with 2 pieces of the mooncake, but to prevent me from over-indulging (durians are very high in carbohydrates), my mom only brought one over to my place. It is better than nothing... me ain't complaining.