I Hate June!!!!

Today is the last day of May, tomorrow will be the 1st day of June... June is my least favourite month out of the twelve because I lost both Lucas and Chloe in the month of June. I think that's putting it mildly... to be honest, I hate June with a passion. It is the month where I experienced the most grief, heartache and despair. I am dreading the approach of June, and I can't help but wonder what bad thing will happen to me this June.

I do find it very hard to believe that it'll soon be 2 years since losing Lucas and 1 year since losing Chloe. I still clearly remember each and every minute detail of the day they were taken from me. The wound in my heart still hurts as badly as the day I lost them... I am learning to live with this pain that I know will be with me for the rest of my life.

A child who loses his/her parents is an orphan.
A husband who loses his wife is a widower.
A wife who loses her husband is a widow.

But there is no word for a parent who loses a child, for there is no word to describe such pain.

I still cannot understand it even after I'd slept on it for one night. When Mark and I were out yesterday doing our part for the Singapore economy (not that it needs our help), I was approached by a young male promoter. He started going on and on about the benefits of the pot he was promoting and the current promotion that's going on during the Great Singapore Sale season. Not that I was interested in the pot, but this guy was standing in the path between me and the thing (cushion covers) I wanted to look at.

After talking without pause for a good 30 seconds, he finally stopped to ask me 'Are you Singapore citizen?' (apparently a pre-requisite if you are to qualify for the promotion). I nodded and started to move away, then came question number 2 - 'Are you married'... it puzzled me cos what's the connection of my marital status with a pot? Again I nodded just so I could move closer to my 'target'. As I started to walk away, he asked me the question number 3 - 'Do you have kids under the age of 18?'. This made me stop in my tracks and momentarily forget about my cushion covers.

I replied him 'Sadly, not yet'... and the (over) enthusiastic young man continued to yak on in his by now very irritating chirpy voice 'Oh, don't worry, you can share this promotion with your friends who have kids under 18 then'. I was slightly annoyed by then and so wanted to tell him that I don't use the particular brand of pots that he's promoting anyway cos I only use an imported German brand. This stupid pot got me hot under the collar (does this make it a 'hotpot'??). Eventually I bit my tongue eventually cos he's just a young chap doing his stuff and probably earning some holiday money. I think age is mellowing me down...

Can anyone shed any light on why this pot promotion is only for people with kids under 18? Did some survey conclude that women in this group cook more? Is this a 'special' pot that can only be used by mothers to cook for their children?? Don't unmarried people or married people without kids use pots too?? Don't the non-citizens of Singapore use pots?? In case the organizers of this promotion didn't do their homework, Singapore has more than 25.3% of non-citizens... it's huge market that they are missing out on if you ask me. The number of foreign nationals in Singapore is getting kind of 'in your face', especially a certain group of people from a certain country that Singapore likes to maintain a cordial relationship with. I risk making a sweeping statement, but people from this country generally talk too loud, spit on the ground, eat free fruits from supermarkets on the pretext of testing them and leave the seeds lying around (yuck!!), knock into you without a nary glance in your direction (forget about an apology)... my grouse list goes on, but this is a topic for another day.

Here's the offending voucher:

That last sentence 'as a token of appreciation in response to this advertisement' is stupid. Obviously ONLY the people in the specific demographics can respond to the advertisement cos it's made in such a way that ONLY they can participate!

Can't believe I let a pot get me so worked up... The worst thing that made me even madder is that I didn't get my cushion covers after that (cos the colors didn't match my bedroom wallpaper).

I received a surprise package in the office yesterday. It was from a longtime client of mine... When she knew about both my pregnancies and was very happy for me... she also cried along with me when she found out that I had miscarried both times. I guess she knows my pain because she had lost 2 pregnancies before too. Now she's a mom to 3 teenage boys.

Something else that moved me a lot is that she is a devout Catholic, and she told me that she prays for me all the time; praying for me to have my healthy baby. She sent me these 2 booklets on hymns and also wrote me a lovely note.

Sadly, as like most other aspects of my life, I am in the midst of de-implementing (isn't this word an oxymoron??) this client's business... so I guess I won't be able to work with her anymore after July.

I have been slacking off and not blogging as often as I should or I want to. The reason (or is it excuse?) is W.O.R.K, and it is making me so unhappy. Actually, I am trying to fathom whether I am unhappy about being busy OR I am busy being unhappy. I don't see a completion to the project that I am currently working on... there doesn't seem to be a light at the end of the tunnel. On a daily (sometimes even hourly) basis, there seems to be nothing but more and more uphill challenges and problems waiting to be resolved. This project's completion date is supposed to be 14 Feb 2011, and I am begining to wonder if the project will outlive me.

In addition to work stress, the pressure of not knowing whether I am pregnant is also a major contributing factor. I don't know how I am going to live out the next 2 weeks trapped in this state of wondering. ***big sigh***

Mark saw this little wooden box (called a 'Family Memory Box') that had a family of four carved out in front and he showed it to me. We decided immediately that we will buy it. We were pleasantly surprised when we opened up the box because there were these words engraved - 'A Lifetime of Love'. How pretty... and how it conveys how we feel. When Mark asked me what I was going to place inside the box, I replied him 'All my love'... and he promptly responded 'And mine too'.

I started to google to find out more about this brand of products - Willow Tree, and found that they actually have a wide range of products!! Unfortunately, what they bring into Singapore is only a mere fraction of what their whole product line that's available overseas. They even have a whole range of angel figurines that I fell head over heals in love with.

I think they would make lovely gifts for any occasion... birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas, Mother's Day, Father's Day, etc. I wish they have the entire collection available here in Singapore... however, seems like it's only available in the Europe, France, Spain, Italy, Canada, Australia and New Zealand. I do have some friends/ colleagues in Australia and UK, but I hate to impose on people to help me do things... :(

Perhaps I can try can figure out if I can locate a store in London when I go over in June. If I do succeed in this, I am sure I will spend a small fortune in the store.

It is such an agony to have to wait for 14 days (or more) before I know if we have succeeded in creating a new life. It's now only day 5 now... how am I going to get through the next 10 days?? Mark keeps reminding me not to put my hopes too high. I guess he's worried that I'd be crushed if we do not succeed and he doesn't want me to be overly disappointed.

I also found out 2 days ago that a Hong Kong friend who had been trying to conceive for some time is now pregnant. I know she had some health issues previously and had been seeing a Chinese physician for the past 6 or more months. I am thinking if I should ask her to take me to him when I go to Hong Kong in June. Not sure how much help I can get from one visit though.

I am green with envy... why does everyone seem to be able to conceive/ have babies so easily except me?

My sister gave me these 2 super cute customised baby rompers. I love them so much... and I wish my babies are physically here to wear them instead of it being kept in their respective Treasure Chests. I wonder how they'd look in the rompers...

Yesterday afternoon I received an SMS from Amanda's mommy... It made me grin from ear to ear as I read it while out shopping. Amanda's mommy dreamt that I brought my newborn baby boy to her house!! She even got the name of the baby - Julian!! Ok, it's not a name that I'd ever have thought to use, but maybe I should keep it in mind now. (Another interesting thing is that Mark has a close friend by the name of Julian, and we have always joked how Julian resembles someone whom I have a crush on!!)

This is the 2nd time Amanda's mommy had such a dream... previously she had a dream of me telling her that I was pregnant.

I can't wait for her dreams to come true...

16 May: Significantly darker...

Ok, now I am confused... I thought yesterday's results was the indicator that I needed. When I did the test again today, I expected to see a lighter test line. Ummm... the test line today is even darker than yesterday's, meaning that there is a surge in the amount of luteinzing hormone (LH). This hormone is produced by the body when ovulation is about to occur.

13 May: Faint test line = Negative ovulation

14 May: Still no signs of ovulation

15 May: Darkened test line = Ovulation time!!

I am down with a nasty sore throat since 3 days ago, and it has progressively worsened and has now developed into a dry, itchy cough... Mark had been nagging at me to see a doctor but I have stubbornly refused, not because I am a masochist, but because if I go and see a doctor, the doctor will no doubt prescibe me with a cocktail of drugs. Since I will be ovulating within these next couple of days, I really don't want my body to be laden with any drugs that may/ may not be good for the baby if I do successfully conceive.

When I went to the dentist last week for my root canal treatment (which bloody hurts big time, by the way), the dentist gave me 2 weeks worth of antibiotics, but I did not take them for the same reason as the above. I seriously wonder if I am doing the right thing, or if it'd make any difference at all??

I just did one ovulation test earlier and nope, nothing is happening yet...

A Glimmer of Hope --- Part II

The little egg is 17mm today!!! I couldn't be more pleased/ happier when I saw it on the ultrasound scan. This means that ovulation can be anytime from tomorrow till Sunday. I am praying hard, really really hard, that this one little egg will be the answer to my all my hopes and dreams come true.

I am holding on to this glimmer of hope with all my might.

A Glimmer of Hope

My one solitary egg follicle did grow since the last time I saw it!! ***whooping with joy*** It's 13mm as of today, and I have to go back on Wednesday to ensure that everything is on track. I am hoping fervently that if all goes according to plan, ovulation day should be anytime later this week. That gives me a 25% chance of conception... the percentage is not high, but it's better than zero chance.

Yesterday Amanda's mom texted me to let me know that she's got me a Mother's Day gift on behalf of Amanda. I thought it was so sweet and thoughtful of her to think of me. I am guessing she must've spent a wonderful first Mother's Day with little Amanda... how nice.

MOTHER'S DAY 2010

My sister made me cry... She gave me not just one, but FOUR Mother's Day cards. One from Lucas, one from Chloe and one each from Huskee and Hershey. I was surprised and immensely touched.

I am still on the lookout for some 'signs' from my Angels, nothing yet... still waiting...

The Day Before MOTHER'S DAY 2010

I received this voucher in the mail today, and instead of doing what I normally do, i.e. shredding it like other advertisements, I decided to keep this one because I was intending to order some flowers next week and thought I could make us of the discount. As I was scrutinising the voucher, I spotted the name of the florist - Angel Florist!!

I wonder if this is the sign from my angels that my BFF told me to look out for???

Had my scan this morning and seems like there ONE potential egg follicle. For now, it is still undersized and I will have to go back for another scan on Monday. Can't believe despite the increased dosage of medicine, my body is still not responding as it should. By right I should be popping a few matured eggs.

I also confided in my BFF about what's been bothering me (i.e. Mother's Day) and she alerted me to something that I hadn't thought of. She said that perhaps my angels may come by for a visit and told me to watch out for little signs on that day. That's a wonderful thought... although I'll try not to have any expectations and put in too much hope in case nothing materializes, at least now there's something for me to look forward to.

I think it's best that I stay at home on Sunday cos I don't think I can bear the sight of seeing so many happy mothers out and about.

What makes a 'Mother'?

Something's been bothering me for a couple of weeks now, and it is becoming more intense as THE day draws closer. MOTHER'S DAY is in a few day's time, and I cannot help but wonder if I am entitled to this honour. Do I even qualify? I had dreams for both Lucas and Chloe, I did carry them in my womb (although for too short a time)... and I have loved/am loving/ always will love them with all my heart and soul. But is this enough?

I feel like a world class failure/ loser and seriously, I cannot hate myself more for not being able to do what any other normal woman can do so effortlessly. I cannot get pregnant without medical intervention, and I cannot even protect my babies even when they are inside my body.

If I can have one wish now, my wish would be to receive a card from Lucas and Chloe. Sadly, my wish will always remain as a unfulfilled dream.

I ate the most expensive piece of striploin steak ever... It's even more expensive than Kobe beef. I nibbled on a small piece (3cmX3cm) from Mark's dinner on Sunday and ended up hurting my molar. It's been causing me so much pain ever since and the pain is getting worse. Finally had enough of it cos I cannot put up with the pain (and sleepless nights) anymore, so I went to the dentist earliler (it must be my lucky day cos they had an available slot for me...).

Ended up paying $750 for a root canal treatment (and that's not the end of it... still got to go back to do crowning). Somehow I am glad I got it done because the last time that tooth gave me trouble, I was pregnant with Chloe and the dentist couldn't do much for me. He did warn me that what he did was only temporary and I had to go back and get it sorted out properly.

Seriously, I think that the pain from that darn root canal treatment is worse than childbirth... I am still in so much agony despite taking the painkillers.

Went for my scan this morning and egg follicles are still too small (6mm), meaning that ovulation is nowhere in sight. Doctor wants me to go back again on Friday morning to check if they have grown. I guess I am not surprised by this because it has always taken me longer to reach 17mm (ovulation) than a normal person. I wish I can be 'normal' for once... well at least where it counts. I am crossing my fingers for some positive news on Friday... I am playing the waiting game again.

Mark and I (plus Hershey) met with Amanda and her family at the doggie park on Sunday morning and boy has she grown since I last saw her. She's such a happy and placid baby, and an absolute cutie-pie... Her parents were really nice to offer to let me hold her, which I did for a good hour. Hmmm, is this how holding Chloe will feel like?

I saw this leather photo frame while out shopping and the words on the photo stopped me in my tracks.

In my case, it should be 'I held the whole world in my arms during that one and only time I held my baby'. I really did feel that way when I held Chloe... I really didn't want to let go of her then, and so dearly wish that I still have her in my arms now.