In another 14 hours, I will be on my way to the 'Land of the Rising Sun' (got to google why it is being called that because doesn't the sun rise in every land??) Within this 14 hours, I have got tasks to achieve, and the main ones are:

1. Buy and Prepare Hershey's food supply for the next few days
2. Iron Mark's work clothes
3. Pack my bag
4. Go to the swimming pool (cos that is one of the ways I can 'chill out')

Ok back to what I really want to blog about today... Last night I was alone at home and doing the usual channel surf when I saw this programme on Channel 8. It's about a Malay lady who had kidney problems and needed dialysis. She only found out that she was pregnant after 4 months into the pregnancy. To add to her already complicated health issue, she was was expecting a pair of twins and had to be hooked up to the dialysis machine 6 times each day throughout her pregnancy to maintain her babies' well-being. Her pair of twin girls very arrived prematurely and had to spend a long period of time (4 months) in hospital, battling all sorts of complications and health challenges.

I was really happy to learn that at the end of it all, she was able to bring her babies home on 26 Jan 10... The quiet joy on her face spoke volumes. I wept throughout the 30min of the show. Looking at her teeny-weeny babies reminds me of my sweet Angel princess. What if we had insisted on saving her? Would it have made a difference? Will she be with us today?

Every little thing that I come across makes me think of Chloe - a sweet baby pink romper, a pretty flower hairclip, little baby Adidas shoes, sounds of a child laughing or crying, etc. Not one single day goes by where I don't think of her. I miss her so much... oh so darn f**king much.

** Missing you could turn from pain to pleasure,

if I knew you were missing me too. **

I received a overseas call last evening from the mother of our housemate who stayed together with us in Melbourne. Although we have all graduated and gone back to our respective countries (Hong Kong for him) years back, we have kept in contact with him and his parents. We got to meet/know his parents when they went to visit our housemate in Australia. They will stay with us for up to a month and during those times, his mom (who is a really good cook) would whip up delicious home-cooked dishes for us.

If Mark and I visit Hong Kong, we usually will go out for dinner with them, and each Christmas and Chinese New Year, I never fail to send them a greeting card the traditional way (aka via snail mail). When Mark and I got married, we invited them to our wedding, but although they couldn't attend due to work commitments, they gave us a big 'red packet'.

Auntie (that's what Mark and I call her) called to thank us for the card and just to see how we have been. The chat with her brought back fond memories of the days we spent in that apartment in Courtney Street. I also found out that her husband, whom we call 'Uncle' (obviously!!) had retired from his job last year. Uncle is a quiet, but learned and well-educated man who was the principal of a local high school for many years.

Subsequently, Auntie asked if there is any Mark or Shane juniors yet, and I had to tell her 'no' with a heavy heart. When I see her face to face one day, I definitely will tell her about my 2 Angels... I just didn't feel comfortable sharing this with her over the phone. I did tell her that we are trying and will share the good news with her if/ when we succeed.

Hopefully I will be making that call to Hong Kong soon to share with them the good news.

Counting down reluctantly to my short trip on Sunday evening. Not looking forward to:

• Being away from my 'comfort zone'
• Being apart from Mark
• Sleeping alone
• Not having Hershey around to make me laugh/ cry and happy/ angry
• Wasting time in airports, airplanes, etc...
• Stuck in economy class for 7 hours (but at least it's Singapore Airlines)
• Work piling up whilst I am away (and then having to work doubly hard to clear the backlog when I return)

I am seriously begining to think that I am in the wrong industry/ profession. How can someone working the travel industry be so hung-up about travelling? Moreover I don't sleep well in a new environment, especially if alone... so to add to the above list, there will be 3 sleepless nights for me.

The one thing to thank for is that I should have ovulated before I have to leave for this trip... otherwise, it is another reason for me to dislike my job. To be fair, I have not made one single business trip in 2009, largely due to my pregnancy and the subsequent loss of it.

With more upcoming projects headed my way for 2010, it's inevitable that there'll be more trips ahead. I am seriously considering if I should get a less stressful job that does not require any travelling... and late night conference calls with folks in other time zones. Just had a conference call marathon last evening and was totally drained.

If I do get pregnant eventually, should I quit this job and just focus on the baby? Can I get another job that can pay me the same wage? Will quitting this job make any difference to the outcome of the next pregnancy?

Ovulation Part II --- Feb 2010

I did another ovulation test last evening and the result was still showing that there is a surge of LH hormones... which should mean that I have yet to ovulate although it should happen 'soon'. Boy this is indeed nerve-wrecking (and confusing). Since the previous test I took on 23 Feb had the same result, i.e. I will ovulate in the next 24-36 hours, should it be 24-36 hours from the previous test or 24-36 hours from the current test??

I did have lower abdomen pain since last evening, and it kept me awake for most part of the night... but I am unsure if it has anything to do with ovulation. The pain still hasn't subsided, but it seems to feel more like 'gastric flu'/ 'food poisoning', which I seem to be getting on a monthly basis.

Anyway, I am lost and confused, and not to mention stressed out because if I don't catch the time correctly, then basically conception will be impossible.

For 'tracking and record purposes', I have dated the 2 tests that I did (though I have no idea what I'd need it for).

Ovulation Part I --- Feb 2010

The test results of my home ovulation kit yesterday indicated that I should be ovulating in the 'next 24-36 hours'. It took longer than I'd initially expected to reach ovulation as I'd expected it to happen over the weekend.

The test (T) line is above and the below line is the control (C) line. Prior to ovulation, a hormorne called 'luteinizing hormorne' (LH) is released by the body and the test picks out the presence of this hormone in the urine. When there is a surge in LH, the T line will appear as dark as, or darker than the C line, which is what happened in my case.

This is my 4th test stick out of a pack of 5, and I was begining to worry that I'd run out of them before I ovulate. (I also want to add that they are pretty expensive!!) And thankfully this happens before my business trip in a few day's time or else this would have been a 'wasted cycle'.

With this, I have a 25% chance of conceiving this month... I am not putting in too much hopes into it least I get disappointed again, but this is at least one step towards the 'goal'.

What Doesn't Kill Me Makes Me Stronger

The 9th day into the Year of Tiger is off to a roaring start for me... to be more precise, it is roaring with pain and agony from the migraine that I woke up to. (Suddenly I've found another 'advantage' in keeping this blog... other than letting me rave and rant, I can also use it to monitor how frequently I am getting these migraines since I blog about it...)

On Saturday morning, Mark and I paid our visit to his family and took them out for a New Year luncheon. It was inevitable that I had to meet his cousin's 7 month old son (aka our nephew) for the first time. Stormy (no, I am not kidding about his name) was born in July 2009, and he's supposed to be 3 months older than his cousin Chloe. Provided if he stays here rather than go back to Australia, it'd be so fun to watch them grow up playing (and fighting??) together since they are so close in age.

I am getting quite sore of watching other people's happiness when they are with their babies. It's so tiring having to put on a happy facade in their presence and pretend that my heart is not bleeding. I always try to put myself into other people's shoes and think of their feelings, but at times, I wonder if anyone will put themselves in my shoes and think of how I am feeling. Does/ Will anyone take a moment and think of the 2 babies that I lost?

But I guess I can't control any of these because around us, there is simply too many friends/ family with young kids and we cannot possibly avoid them forever. I have to keep reminding myself the mantra - 'What doesn't kill me makes me stronger'. This mantra kept me going when I lost Lucas... and I then applied it to other aspects of my life. When I lost Chloe, the mantra lost some of its 'effectiveness' because I was inclined to continue it on with 'but if it doesn't make me stronger, then please let it kill me'.

The solitary little egg follicle measured at 15.5mm yesterday, so if things proceed according to plan and if Mother Nature takes it's course, then I should be ovulating within the next 3 days when that follicle grows up to between 16mm-18mm. With every cycle/ ovulation, there's only a 25% chance of natural conception. I hope that I'll get lucky this time.

The rate of success is pretty dismal in my opinion, at only 25%. Hmmm...I wonder whatever happens to the other 75%. Hopefully we will fall into the lucky 25% because we only get ONE chance to get this single egg fertilized **crossing fingers**. Yet another few weeks of playing the waiting game to see if my period comes and know if we are successful.

I have an appointment later this morning with the fertility doc to scan the size of my follicles. Hopefully, they have 'grown' since the last scan 2 days ago so that this won't be a 'wasted cycle' and I can have a chance at natural conception during ovulation. On 12Feb it was at 8mm, on 17Feb it was at 12mm... it needs to be at least 18mm.

This whole 'wait and see' game is so nerve-wrecking... First I have to continually check the size of the follicles, then hope that they develop to the desired size, then wait for ovulaton, then wait to see if the egg had been fertilized, then wait to see if my period comes (hopefully not for the right reason)... Arghhhhhhh...

Unfortunately I don't have the luxury of sitting back and play the waiting game because I will be travelling soon and it is useless if I ovulate when Mark and I are in different countries!!

早生贵子

Mark and I called his grandmother and 2 aunties to wish them 'Happy New Year' on the first day of the Chinese New Year... As I'd expected (and dreaded), his grandmother wished me '早生贵子' (literally translates into 'be blessed with a son') for the 3rd consecutive year. I responded by saying that I hope her wish comes true. Geez, I have 'deprived' this poor old lady of her 2 'highly prized great-grandkids (ok perhaps this only applies to Lucas cos Mark and I are sure that with her very traditional thinking, she would want a grandson to carry on the family name).

I do wish I could have told her that I have given her 2 Angels instead, but decided against it because I seriously doubt she'll understand or appreciate what I say. Well, for her sake and for mine, I hope I will be able to give her the grandchild she so badly wants. Hopefully I will stop giving her false hopes and more disappointments...

The annex weekend went by too quickly... I think it'll be a long time before another extended weekend comes our way . Mark and I spent most of the time together over the past 4 days and naturally, we irritated the shit out of each other at one time or another. But now that he's gone back to work today, I am already missing him like mad. It'll be another 2 hours till I see him...

Red Packets for my Angels

To my dearest Angels - Lucas and Chloe,

Daddy and Mummy wants to wish you 新年快乐 and 快高长大. I guess this is what every parent will wish for. These 2 红包's hold our deepest blessings to you in the New Year ahead.

Although you are not here with us physically to celebrate this occasion, we want you to know that both of you are never far from our minds.

Loving You Today & Always,

Daddy & Mummy

The Last Day of Another Bad Year

In less than 15 minutes, the Year of the Ox will be over... I am sending off the Ox Year with a heavy heart and much sadness, the same way which I sent off the Rat Year. I have lost my 'little rat', aka Lucas; as well as my 'little calf', aka Chloe... I can only pray fervently that not only will I conceive, but will also get to keep for good a 'little tiger cub' this year.

Oh God, special occasions like today is extremely difficult for me because I miss my 2 Angels dreadfully... I dearly wish that they are by my side now.

During my last trip into the office, I did a mini 'spring clean' of my work area since the Chinese New Year is just round the corner. This has always been an annual affair for me... once a year, I will throw out unwanted items and shred up unwanted documents.

While going through one of my cupboards, I found my little stash of the empty bird's nest bottles which I'd clean forotten about. While I was expecting Chloe, Mark bought loads of bird's nests drinks for me (something like 8 months worth of supply) as bird's nests are deemed to be nutritious. I religiously took them every morning.

Naturally seeing these empty bottles brought back a lot of memories and made me sad... When I last held those bottles, I had my precious princess inside me. Now? My arms and belly are like those little bottles... EMPTY.

Guardian Angel, Guardian Angel, Where Forth Art Thou??

I recently came across this old song by chance... of cos the reason why it only caught my attention is because of the title --- 'Angel'. I like the following part of the song best -

When I'm feeling weak
And my pain walks down a one way street
I look above
And I know I'll always be blessed with love
And as the feeling grows
She breathes flesh to my bones
And when love is dead
I'm loving angels instead

I guess my 'obsession' with angels isn't over yet... Sometimes I feel so vulnerable and alone, I feel like either I was born without a Guardian Angel to watch over me or that my Guardian Angel had forsaken me, but at other times, my Guardian Angel almost convinced me of his/ her presence.

I took a client out for lunch on Tue as she was leaving the company. We are around the same age, so we have always gotten on pretty well. Somewhere along the line, our conversation drifted to my miscarriages (she knew about both my miscarriages as we had meetings while I was pregnant), and she started asking me if I believed in Angels. I was like 'OMG...'. She then shared with me that she'd recently gone to see a clairvoyant who does 'Angel Channelled Reading and Healing', and during the hour long session, she could tell her things that happened in the past and with her family members, i.e. things that there was no way the clairvoyant could know. The clairvoyant explained that she was merely receiving the messages from my client's Angel (whom she said was surrounded by a blue aura) and repeating them back.

I am intrigued. I guess what I am dying to find out is where my Angel was when I needed him/ her at the most trying time of my life. I was (or rather, still am) feeling very 'betrayed' by my Guardian Angel. And I guess after I have 'forgiven' him/ her for abandoning me, I will need advice and reassurance that my Guardian Angel will protect my next baby.

I sit and wait
Does an angel contemplate my fate
And do they know
The places where we go
When we're grey and old
'cos I have been told
That salvation lets their wings unfold
So when I'm lying in my bed
Thoughts running through my head
And I feel the love is dead
I'm loving angels instead

And through it all she offers me protection
A lot of love and affection
Whether I'm right or wrong
And down the waterfall
Wherever it may take me
I know that life won't break me
When I come to call she won't forsake me
I'm loving angels instead

When I'm feeling weak
And my pain walks down a one way street
I look above
And I know I'll always be blessed with love
And as the feeling grows
She breathes flesh to my bones
And when love is dead
I'm loving angels instead

And through it all she offers me protection
A lot of love and affection
Whether I'm right or wrong
And down the waterfall
Wherever it may take me
I know that life won't break me
When I come to call she won't forsake me
I'm loving angels instead

And through it all she offers me protection
A lot of love and affection
Whether I'm right or wrong
And down the waterfall
Wherever it may take me
I know that life won't break me
When I come to call she won't forsake me
I'm loving angels instead

What a Difference a Year makes...

My dream woke me up this morning. It was so vivid and the feeling was so intense that I almost thought it was for real. In my dream, I was desperately trying so hard to hold on to someone's hands... I don't know/ didn't see the 'owner' of that other pair of hands, but I did 'see' that the fingers are short and 'plumpish'... like a young child's hands. All I knew was that I was struggling to hold on to them while this other 'person' and I were being forcefully pulled apart.

I wonder if that dream holds any significance at all since many say that dreams are our subconscious self trying to tell us something. I wonder whose hands those were? Why was I trying so hard to hold onto them? Who is forcing us apart and why? What is the underlying message behind this dream?

I confided in Mark about my dream after I calmed down, and he eagerly shared with me that he had a dream too. He had dreamt of a baby and he knew the baby was Chloe because in his dreams, he heard Chloe's song.

It didn't take me long to realize the coincidence of both our dreams and today's date. Exactly a year ago on 10 Feb 2009, I happily called Mark to break the news to him that I was pregnant. We first found out about Chloe's existence exactly a year ago.

One year on, the feelings are at opposite ends of the spectrum.

A year ago, I was the mom to an Angel boy and a 'soon-to-be mom' to a baby girl... A year later, I am the mom of 2 Angels.

A year ago, my life was filled with hope for the future... A year later all my hopes have been dashed.

A year ago, I'd have expected that I'd be holding a baby in my arms... A year later, my arms are still bare.

A year ago, my heart was bursting with happiness... A year later, it is shattered into pieces.

What a difference a year makes.

A Soundless Cry for Help and Mercy

When I went back to the office on one of the days last week, I bumped into a colleague who is supposed to be on maternity leave. She came into the office with her husband brand new baby to distribute cakes for the baby's one month celebration.

It is so painful to watch the happy portrait of another person's complete family...

It is agonizing when I look at a baby being cuddled lovingly in his/her mother's arms...

It is excruciating when I realize that this is something my Angels and I will never enjoy...

It is unbearable to be reminded of my losses, and be inflicted with this 'dagger in the heart' feeling time and again.

I wonder how much longer I need to go through this torture before someone can show some mercy... or how much more my heart can stand being tormented before I finally lose it. It's been over 7 months since I first (and last) held Chloe, and over 19 months since bidding farewell to Lucas. The pain of losing them has not subsided one bit, and at the same time, my love for them has not dimished either.

Chloe's Treasure Chest

Typing out this post on Chloe's Treasure Chest is a whole lot harder than I'd expected... Because we had her for a longer time, we have more momentos of her than Lucas. We had also bought a number of things in anticipation for her arrival because we were so confident that she will be ours to keep. Looking at the photos below brought back a fresh wave of uncried tears and heartache.

Contents:

1. 

   5 Pregnancy kits... There were actually a lot more of it, but I only kept a few of them. If my memory is correct, I did at least 10 home pregnancy tests during the first week that we found out because I simply couldn't believe it. I basically tried out all the available brands in the market; the digital type (I still remember that Mark bought these ones) as well as the 'classic' kind.

2. The scans of Chloe. Interesting enough, I actually had more scan photos of Lucas than of Chloe although we had Lucas for a much shorter period of time. With Lucas, I had bleeding/ spotting from week 8 onwards, so there were a lot more scans done check on him every few days. With Chloe, the pregnancy was so easy and uncomplicated, hence we only did the routine scans.

3. The menstral chart that I kept while I was trying to conceive Chloe... basically used to track ovulation.

4. Chloe's OSCAR ('One Stop Clinic Asssessment of Risk') test results done at 12 weeks and the detailed scan results that was done at 20 weeks (this was the time when Mark and I were told that we were expecting a girl).

5. The cards that we received after we lost her.
   
   
6. 

   These are all the medical receipts that I kept during the time we were trying to conceive (begining from Oct 08) and for all the weekly gynae appointments for the first 20 odd weeks after conception (late may 09). Over this period of 8 months (Oct 08 to May 09), I amassed a medical bill of over $5k. It is excluding the eventual delivery and hospitalisation charges when I miscarried. This is partly the reason why I decided to stick to a govt. hospital this time so that I can get some reprieve from the horrendous private medical fees.

7. I feel a stabbing pain in my chest everytime I look at this piece of official looking document. It is the application/ approval form for the cremation of my princess.

8. We had bought a number of clothes for Chloe and I selected 5 'special' pieces that were cremated along with her. The above are some of the ones that I wanted to keep as a momento. They were bought on the evening on the day of the 20 week scan when we knew it was a girl.

9. The envelope contains my hospital discharge details as well as my 3 month long medical leave.

10. The 10th item on the list is not visible to the eye, but it is certainly there without any doubt... it is all the love from her daddy and mummy.
    
    

Disappointingly, I got my period and this is a clear indication that I am not pregnant. I was somehow hoping against all odds that I may be pregnant, but guess luck isn't on my side. The only good part of it is that this is my 2nd consecutive period that is not triggered by medicine, and it came almost right on schedule, which is a rarity when you have PCOS. It's a good thing I waited before I did a home pregnancy test or else I'd have wasted yet another test kit.

This feeling sucks.

Lucas's Treasure Chest

This was the previous 'Treasure Chest' for Lucas before I made the new matching one wih Chloe. When I first put together his first Treasure Chest, never in a million years would I have expected that I'd lose another baby in a year's time... and never would I have ever thought that I'd have 2 Treasure Chests (please God, 2 is more than my heart can cope with... I do not need to make any more Treasure Chests...).

Little Lucas's first 'Treasure Chest' was actually a basket from the flowers that I received when I was in hospital after I lost him. I thought it was too pretty to be thrown out after the flowers had withered, so I decided on a better purpose for it.

Contents:

1. The pregnancy kit with the big fat '+' sign.


2. These blue baby booties were given by a friend who just gave birth to a baby boy when I was thinking of how to break the good news to Mark on 07 April 2008. Eventually, we put them into a box, wrapped it up and gave them to Mark after he came back from a business trip. When he unwrapped the box and saw the booties, confusion clouded his face, but as it slowly dawned on him, the look on his face was replaced by a disbelief and then widest grin imaginable.


3. The early scans of my precious little Lucas... The one in the center was done towards the 13 week mark and he already took shape. I still cry whenever I see that scan because he was so perfectly formed and I love his little rounded tummy.


4. The results of the scans and tests that were done during the 14 weeks he was with us. The scroll that is tied with a ribbon was a poem that I wrote for him, and that ribbon was from his daddy and mummy's wedding day.


5. All the cards that we received from friends after we lost him.

This mummy is missing her little boy (and girl)...

Treasure Chests -- Part II

This is a LONG overdue instalment of my Angel's Treasure Chests... Not that I have sat on the project for that long, but the delay was because I didn't have a card reader to export the photos from the camera to my computer. Finally with Mark's help, he downloaded them for me yesterday.

I will share the contents of each chest in the next 2 days cos I am still sorting the photos out.

While it was still in the making...

The end product