Presents Galore!!

This is little bun's loot from his full month celebration yesterday... In my 34 years, I have never received so many presents before, fancy receiving so many presents when he is only a little over a month old! Little bun is indeed a 'lucky bun'!!

I still haven't gotten around to opening the presents cos I was worn out from all the activities. Totally drained but feeling very happy at the same time... felt great to catch up with many old (and close) friends. Just wished there was enough time to properly catch up with each and everyone since I basically did a 'disappearing act' for almost a year. So much to share but so little time!

I can really feel the happiness and joy that my friends felt for us... all the people whom we invited over yesterday were family and close friends, so all of them knew of our rocky journey towards parenthood. I lost count of the number of people who told me how happy they are for us, and my reply to them was that I feel very blessed. I don't know how it happened, but someone up there/ out there was definitely looking after little bun.

Thankfully little bun was well-behaved throughout his party (i.e. didn't cry much) cos he'd been rather cranky lately. He's always wanting to be held or to be fed and refuses to sleep (it's good for us when he is asleep cos it means we can do our own things!!). But as he gets bigger, he is sleeping lesser and demanding more attention.

Well, since he's sound asleep now, I'd better open up all his presents...

Lucky Bun

Have been busy preparing for little bun's (belated) full month celebration aka baby shower this Sunday. It was supposed to be last weekend but Mark's sister's flights were already booked for this week, hence we delayed it for a week. We were initially planning to keep it small and restricted to family and very close friends, but somehow we ended up with a guest list of over **ahem** 70pax (and this is after numerous rounds of trimming down the list). Family members only account for less than a third of the total headcount!! Being the recluse and hermits we are, Mark and I have more 'close friends' than we thought, which is a rather good thing!!

The only regret I have is I cannot invite my 'doggie friends' (who are all based overseas). There are sooooo many of them whom I'd love to meet in person and give a big hug to cos although we are miles apart, they have given me a lot of encouragement and support through my years of pregnancy losses, infertility and subsequent successful pregnancy. Many of them even sent presents to little bun ever since his arrival a month ago. I feel truly feel blessed to know this lovely group of people (and their dogs), their friendship and kindness to me is humbling. People always say you have to beware of who you meet on the internet, but for me, this particular group of people have proven this warning wrong. They are folks whom I have never met (or even spoken to), but are a lot nicer than some of the 'friends' I have.

Some photos of little bun and the presents that he'd received from my friends overseas... he is one very lucky and pampered bun indeed!! (I have been advised there are even more presents that are on the way!!)

From my favourite country, Australia -

Brooke Lee (I hope you are reading this..)

Thank you, dear friend for 'walking' this journey with me.

Your friendship means a lot to Mark & I.

From Holland

From the US -

We were overwhelmed by the generosity of the sender..

The presents arrived in 2 HUGE boxes!!

From Scotland

Low Battery Alert

Slightly more than one month after we brought little bun home, my energy level (Mark's too) is running very low. For the past month, I have taken over the 'midnight shift' to take care of little bun on my own without any help, but over the past weekend, I caved in and had my mom stay over for 2 nights. Have since realised that this doesn't really help much cos I still have to get up a few times through the night to feed him.

Little bun was cranky the whole of yesterday afternoon till evening and by nighttime I was so totally exhausted. Mark took over holding little bun right after dinner while I took a power nap till my shift at midnight. I promptly fell asleep the moment my head hit the pillow (only realized this morning that I kinda forgot to brush my teeth)! Ughhh!!

Little Bun is 1 Month Old!!

Somewhere between singing endless lullabies, feeding and burping, diaper changing and gazing adoringly at the face of my little bun, one whole month had flown by and my darling pride and joy is now a month old! This also means that Mark and I survived the first month of being new parents... and I am proud to announce that I made it through one solid month without a night of uninterrupted sleep. Frankly, I do miss having a good night's sleep (for me, sleep ranks #1 on my 'Maslow hierarchy of needs', followed by shopping.. Oh right, shopping is not a basic need).

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Happy 1 Month Old, little bun!! It's such joy watching you grow before my eyes. I love waking up with you beside me every day, I adore sniffing your unique (sometimes ummm... funky) baby scent and I cannot get enough of listening to all the funny gurgling/mewing/grunting sounds that you make.

Little Bun's 1st Phone Call

In the list of little bun's 'first things', this is one which I certainly didn't expect to come this early. Yesterday afternoon, I received a call asking to speak to Kyran.. Yes, my 3.5 weeks old son has someone calling to ask for him!! I didn't know how to react at all and just kept stupidly quiet (probably too stunned) until I heard peels of laughter on the line. The call was from the 2 nurses from the IVIG clinic and they were calling to see how I was doing and also check to see how little bun was. I thought it was really so sweet of them. They have been going above and beyond their duty as nurses and have been so thoughtful and kind to me/us! We chatted and I updated them on little bun's development... they also relayed a message from the haematology doctor (Dr Vasoo) that she wants to see little bun before she goes away on long leave until Jan 2012. The nurses reminded me that if I ever brought little bun for his next appointment with the pediatrician, I must bring him over to say 'hi' cos they want to see him.

Little bun is also one of Dr Vasoo's 'success stories' as much as he is Dr Anu's. IVIG is still a very new and groundbreaking treatment in Singapore, and its effectiveness is controversial, especially since its cost is so high. The hospital that I went to is one of the few (if not the only one) hospitals in Singapore that offers this treatment and doctors from other hospitals have been seeking treatment there too. Before the birth of little bun, I had also agreed to be participate in a research on this subject that Dr Vasoo is conducting by 'donating' my placenta for the study. Mark and I don't know if IVIG is what helped me carry little bun to full term, and no one, even the doctors, would ever be able to confirm it.

Mark puts it across in a way that I totally concur with... in our case, it is not the journey that matters but the end result i.e. it doesn't matter how we get there, but the crux is that at the end of the day, little bun is here with us. And in order to achieve this, we have A LOT of people to thank.

Names.. Names... Names.... (Part III)

So how did Mark and I eventually decide and agree on the name for little bun (and no, it's not Lee-Tle-Bun as I had originally feared)? I have always liked the name 'Keiron' but didn't really fancy the meaning (it means 'little dark one'). One day while I was mindlessly searching through another long list of names (yup, I have gone through countless websites and have looked not just at English names, but also French, Welsh, Scottish, Hebrew, Japanese, Greek, Hindu, Latin... you name it, I have gone through it). I came across 'Kiran', which in Hindu and Sanskrit means 'a ray of light', and it has a variation - 'Kyran'. I liked it immediately since phonetically, it sounds exactly the same as 'Keiron' and also because of the following contributing factors:

• Dr Anu is Indian and this is partly a 'tribute' to her. Without her help and dedication, Kyran wouldn't be here today.
• The meaning of Kiran/Kyran i.e. 'ray of light', has an almost similar meaning to 'Lucas', which means 'light'. I like the idea that my 2 boys' names are somewhat linked.
• Originally the date that we planned to deliver little bun was very close to the India festival Deepavali, popularly known as 'Festival of Lights'.
• There is a 'money bag' i.e. 'y' in Kyran' (heehee...).

So, this is how we settled on 'Kyran'. Another name I like is 'Zachary' but Mark doesn't seem to fancy it much. He said it's a bit too biblical, which is precisely why I like it. The meaning of Zachary is 'God remembers', and in a way, it's rather fitting in our case. I am not religious.. possibly an atheist to a certain degree even, but strangely, I did feel very 'abandoned' by God when I lost Lucas and Chloe. The period when I had depression was also a long, dark and deserted journey. Now that we have been blessed with Kyran, it's a sign that God didn't forget about me like I had thought. I also like the short form of Zachary.. Zac sounds very macho, no??

Anyway, now that we have named little bun 'Kyran', I can't imagine him being named anything else. It seems to 'fit' him too, though he does have a couple of other nicknames. My mom calls him 'Kai Kai' (part of little bun's Chinese name). I call/refer to him as 'little bun' mostly and Mark has been calling him his 'champion' since the day little bun was born. Every evening after Mark returns home from work, the first thing he does (after washing his hands) is to come into little bun's room to check on him. I love hearing the pride and gentleness in Mark's voice when he asks little bun "Hey, so how's my champion doing today?".

Mark did a very sweet thing a week after little bun was born. He made me this card and I was so moved. It still brings tears to my eyes everytime I look at the card. Somehow gives me comfort in knowing that our Angels will forever be a part of our lives, and little bun's too. They may not be physically here with us, but they live forever in our hearts. It's also nice to think that they are watching over little bun.

I hope that one day when little bun is old enough, I'd be able to tell him about his angel siblings and why his daddy and mummy have got matching tattoos on their backs. I also hope for little bun to know that it is partly because of them that made it possible for him to be here with us today.

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My Darling Angels,

I miss you so much, I love you so much, and my heart still aches and pines for you.

Love,

Mummy

Little Bun is 3 Weeks Old!!

Little bun is 3 weeks old today!!

He is really growing bigger and stronger right before my eyes. I have been taking photos of him daily and when I look at the photos of him that were taken when he was born, he already looks pretty different! One big difference is that he is a lot less fragile and is rather sturdy now.. The other thing I can now confirm is he has dimples like me, but the double eyelid part is yet to be confirmed. Doesn't seem like it from looks of it.. just like his daddy! Although his sight is still limited, his eye movements are now alert and follows the lights.

Behaviour wise, he seems to be settling down in our family and is getting a good hang of which buttons to push to get us to hold him! He is also feeding a whole lot more than 2 weeks ago. The other thing that Mark and I have noticed is he is one impatient little bun... when he wants his milk, he only allows me all of 5 seconds to 'get ready' before he goes into full force brawling. Mark says he got his impatience from me, and unfortunately, I have to agree cos between the both of us, Mark is more laidback (sometimes to the extent of what I'd refer to as 'slack').

How Do I Love Thee?

6 November - If little bun is still in my belly, he'd have been exactly 40 weeks old today. Today is also the actual estimated delivery date that I had circled in my mind's calendar and had been counting down to and striving towards during the first 6 months of my pregnancy. I have also been tracking the progress of the pregnancy on this app called iPregnancy on my iPhone right from the start.

Late last night, as I was alone nursing my squirming, bundled up baby who will very soon turn 3 weeks old, I looked at him in wonderment. How did Mark and I create this perfectly formed little being? How did a failure with a horrid obstetric track record like me manage to hang on long enough this time to bring him into this world? What did I/we do right this time that we didn't do for my previous pregnancies? How amazing is it that the 2 microscopic cells from Mark and I grow and evolve to become a mini human? How is it that I can be filled with so much love and adoration for someone I have only 'met' for barely 3 weeks and am willing to lay my life down for?

How Do I Love Thee?

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How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of being and ideal grace.
I love thee to the level of every day's
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for right.
I love thee purely, as they turn from praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints. I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life; and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.

-- Elizabeth Barrett Browning

Little bun turned 2 weeks old yesterday! So happy and content to see my little bun thriving. Mark and I brought him for his check-up yesterday and while he is still slightly jaundiced, the pediatrician was very pleased with how little bun is doing overall. Little bun also managed to put on close to 500g since he was last weighed about 10 days ago, slightly more than the normal weight gain of 200g per week!

Mark and I puffed out our chests like any proud parents would.. it was as if we were told that our son invented a life-saving drug or something! I was told to continue to watch his poo (if the color turns pale, then it means his jaundice level needs to be checked)... 'Poo-watching' and 'diaper counting' had been my latest hobby since bringing little bun home.

After little bun's appointment, we proceeded to my appointment with Dr Anu to check on my stitches and how I have healed. I felt a sense of immense relief and achievement when I walked into the clinic for the first time with a baby in my arms. For the past 9 plus months, I have walked into that clinic at least once a week with my baby in my belly and feeling a variety of emotions that range from happiness to relief to worry to fear to etc... There had been times when I feel so much envy when I see other women holding their babies. Now that I have the source of all my emotions safely cuddled in my arms, what an awesome feeling that is!

We also took the opportunity to take some photos with Dr Anu... Having little bun here today is as much her 'achievement' as it is ours. She's been more than just a doctor to me and we could tell she is genuinely happy for Mark and I. I can still recall that the first time I saw her was around November or December 2009, about 5-6 months after I lost Chloe. She held my hands and comforted me when I couldn't control my tears while recounting to her my 'history'. Now I feel that I can finally close that chapter of my life, the chapter I'd entitle 'Motherhood'... although it was a long, rocky and painful chapter, I am glad it has a happy ending.

Mark and I wouldn't have gotten here without Dr Anu's help, and for that, we'd be eternally grateful to her for giving us our lives back. Our lives came to a standstill after we lost Chloe and I basically allowed myself to spiral into that deep dark hole of depression. I can say that I single-handedly fucked up the lives of myself, of Mark and to a certain extent, our extended families, for the past few years.

Having little bun here with us today somewhat eases that pain and for me, it makes me feel less of a 'failure'. While nothing will ever compensate for the loss of our Angels, I know that they will forever live in the hearts of Mark and I... gone but never forgotten. I also like to think that our Angels are watching over little bun from Heaven and will forever be his guardian angels, watching over and protecting him.