I Heard a Rumour...

I heard a rumour through the office grapevine that greatly upsetted me... A colleague recently vacated a room in the office and according to the grapevine rumour, I am hankering after the room and doing all I can to stake claims on it!! It's a load of crap because I can work from home anytime I want, so what would I want to have an office for?? Honestly this thought had never even come across my mind... It is so completely untrue and I feel so wronged and dearly wish that I can confront the perpetrator and give her a piece of my mind. Unfortunately I cannot do so because it'd get the person who told me about it into trouble.

I have only been going into the office rather frequently in the last two weeks because I had meetings to attend, but after this, I think I am going to avoid going into the office wherever possible. Simply hate all these unproductive (and untrue) corridor talk. The person who came up with this lie simply didn't use her brains, but I guess I am not surprised because with her kind of calibre, I guess that's the best she could conjure up.

I wish I can drill into her pretty little empty head that it is no longer my priority to climb up the corporate ladder. I am no longer ambitious and my priorities have changed. I am only here to work and deliver what is due from me; nothing more, nothing less. My one and only priority now is to get pregnant and give Mark and I a healthy baby as soon as possible.

I really dislike all the politics, backstabbing and gossips that is becoming increasingly rampant in the office. Another reason why I should leave this place pronto??

I came across this article in a magazine and almost fell off my chair. Geez, 18 miscarriages!! I applaud her determination and strength, and so glad that she now has a healthy little girl on her 19th attempt at pregnancy.

Mark received this email last evening... Wonder if this is another message from Chloe to her daddy. Perhaps she wants to take her daddy out for a cuppa, and maybe even a doughnut or two since Krispy Kreme is her daddy's favourite brand of doughnuts?

I had the sudden realization that this is the first April in 3 years that I am in a 'not pregnant' state. In April 2008 I had Lucas, and in April 2009 I had Chloe... April 2010, I have nothing.

Amanda's mom posted some photos of Amanda on Facebook, and looking at the photos of Amanda growing up reminds me of what was so cruelly and senselessly taken from me twice. Amanda is now a healthy 6 month old and getting even prettier than before. I wonder how Chloe will look like at 6 months... I wonder how holding her in my arms will feel like... I wonder how her little fingers and toes will smell like...

There is still a lot of anger and angst inside me because I feel that I have not been treated fairly. It's almost end of April now, and exactly 2 months from today, it'd mark the 1st Anniversary of Chloe. Lucas's 2nd Anniversary is 9 days before Chloe's... I am not looking forward to June... I am afraid of what other bad news I'd be dealt with this time... I fear June... and I hate June.

Happy 2nd Birthday to Hershey

My little 'puppy', Hershey, turns 2 today. I was looking back at all the past photos of her and felt somewhat wistful. The main reason why she came into our lives is because after we lost Lucas in June 2008, Mark thought that having a puppy will keep me occupied and cheer me up. He brought home Hershey as my birthday present in August that year, slightly more than a month after we lost Lucas. Well he has certainly met his objective because Hershey had been keeping me (very) busy ever since.

Hershey has gone through a lot with me ever since she came home. She helped me through the dark period when I was grieving for Lucas, and then she shared in our joy when we found oout that we were expecting Chloe. She was Chloe's 'guardian angel' and would gently rest her head on my swelling tummy.

Below are the photos that we took on her first birthday last year. It was a really happy time for me then because I was about 10 weeks pregnant with Chloe, and I felt that my life was (almost) close to perfection. I say 'almost' because how could our lives be perfect without Lucas?

These are treasured photos of the happier times in my life, something that I'll always look at with tears brimming in my eyes and a bittersweet smile on my face.

Happy 2nd Birthday to my little furry, black and white girl. Thank you for always making me laugh with your crazy antics and the funny 'dove-like' sounds that you make... for those extra sweet moments where you'd come up to me for a quick snuggle/ kissing session... for being with us through all the highs and lows of our lives... for letting Chloe listen to how a dog's bark sounded like while she was in my tummy... and last but not least, for your devotion and the unwavering love that I see in your pretty brown eyes.

Wishing you a long, happy and healthy life with us.

Good thing I got home from Taipei last night... I had really bad abdominal cramps and diarrhea because I GOT MY FREAKING PERIOD. It is 2 days late, but I guess it is still considered to be 'on schedule'. I know I shouldn't feel upset or disappointed since my ovulation date was all wonky this month, and in fact, I should be glad (??) that it came without the need to take the medicine that the doctor had prescribed in case it didn't come.

The pain and constant need to go to the toilet kept me (and poor Mark) awake during the wee hours. It is pretty rare for me to get such bad cramps, so it kind of took me by surprise. I sure am glad I am not alone in a foreign country lying in the hotel bed writhing in pain . At least I had Mark's hand to hold and a few conforting grunts from my half-asleep husband.

So this marks the begining of a brand new cycle (and the end of the failed previous cycle). I am hoping that the increased dosage of Clomid (i.e. my fertility medication) will give me what I long for.

Taipei --- Day 02

Spent 70% of the night tossing and turning in a foreign bed, and the other 30% was split between checking my emails and channel surfing (they REALLY have a lot of channels on Taiwanese TV... close to 100!!). Well it is now time to wake up and go to work, I feel tired, grumpy and very sleepy.

I have an important meeting at 5pm (what horrible, lousy timing!!!), and am not looking forward to it one bit. I can only hope that I come out of the meeting alive and in one piece cos I have a strong feeling that I am going to be flayed.

Continuation from the past 2 day's post.

A dear friend kindly tried to help me out of the sticky predicament and offered the below response which I LOVE so much (and dearly wish Mark would agree to use).

“Yes, they’re our kids but they’re dead now and my wife has been suicidal ever since. We’re trying for another kid now but not having much success, plus we don’t know if we’ll be able to carry it to full term. If not, we’ll both probably end our lives so we can join all our kids.”

This short paragraph, comprising of 3 sentences, totally sums up the story of my life as it is now.

Continuation from yesterday's post... That friend did come back to ask Mark more questions. It wasn't Lucas and Chloe's photos as I had expected her to ask, it was for their ages. Told Mark not to reply because 1) Don't know how to reply 2) Avoid further questions

Her 'Friend Request' is still pending on my Facebook. I am even more hesitant to add her in case she tries and ask me these questions. **Drumming fingers** How... how...

Today, a friend from our uni days added Mark and I on Facebook. Mark accepted her 'Friend Request' first. I am still undecided... Well if someone hasn't been in your life at all the last 10 years, what difference does it make now? Moreover, she's not exactly someone I'd call my 'friend'... and ummm... I had previously ignored her 'Friend Request' twice. Anyway, I'll let Mark be 'Mr Nice Guy' since she'd been pretty nice to him and in a way helped him out when he was courting me.

Pleasantries were exchanged, and then the bombshell was dropped... she asked Mark if the names on the tattoo pic that he used as his profile picture (above) are the names of our kids. I thought she might have heard of my sob story from some of our mutual friends, but apparently not.

Mark asked for my advice on how he should respond, and I told him to just say 'yes' cos we have nothing to hide, so he did. I really hope she doesn't come back next asking for their photos, etc... Boy, that'd be 'fun'.

Sour Grapes

A colleague (I barely know her) brought in her 1 month old baby into the office yesterday. I noticed that this seems like a 'tradition' in my office. Anyone who has a new baby will bring the baby into the office for reasons known only to the parents. They stayed around and mingled for the longest time (is 2 hours considered long or is it just me??), and I was trying so hard to avoid them and their little entourage.

Call it sour grapes... I won't deny it.

Staying Alive...

**sigh** Have been so busy with work until I can hardly breathe. Was supposed to be on medical leave yesterday cos I had a horrible sore throat and felt feverish, but I got so carried away working that I stayed in the office the whole day. A colleague then told me that 'you can die, but you cannot fall sick'... Sounds really sad, but I think there is a lot of truth in it.

To aggravate matters, I was told that I have to be in Taipei again next week (initially was supposed to be the last week of April) for a meeting that I wish I don't have to attend. Unfortunately, the choice isn't mine to make.

Mark tried to cheer me up with a surprise... He had a bouquet of flowers sent to the office to cheer me up. I think he's worried that I may just throw in the towel and call it quits right there and then... LOL!!

Mark saw this Precious Moments figurine and showed it to me... I fell in love with it immediately and we agreed that this is something we just have to buy although it was quite expensive.

Thought it was apposite that there's a boy angel and a girl angel to represent our babies. I really like the expression on the boy angel's face... he looks so happy, and this is how I hope my little Lucas is feeling, regardless of where he is now.

A Message from Daddy

Dear Lucas and Chloe,

I have a special message for both of you from your Daddy. He wants me to let you know that he is thinking of you and missing you very much.

Although your Daddy doesn't tend to show his emotions much, I know that deep in his heart, he is also pining for you. Do you know that there are times when we will just hold each other and sob because we miss you both?

Hope you are missing us as much as we are missing you...

With love today and always,

Mummy (& Daddy)

I am so thankful that the weekend is only a few more hours away... I am tempted to book the BBQ pit downstairs for tomorrow evening, but am of two minds because I may feel like it now, but I may change my mind later. And then there is all the grocery shopping and marinating to do beforehand. This is how I am nowadays, very fickle-minded.

Another example of my fickle-mindedness... I am due for an appointment with my psychiatrist soon, but I am wondering if I should go as planned. I guess I am now riding on the crest of the 'high' part of my mood cycle, so I feel that I am 'okay' and I can manage... Moreover, I have been inundated with work lately and most other thoughts are pushed aside. My worry is it'd take another 4-6 weeks to book an appointment with the psychiatrist, so what should I do if the slumps return and I get all depressed and sad after I cancel the appointment?

I have another trip to Taipei coming up, so if it clashes with the appointment, then I guess it'd solve my problem for me cos I'd have no choice but to cancel it. Honestly, sometimes not having a choice is the best thing.

Missing my Little Boy

It's a over-used cliche, but seriously, how time flies. On this day two years ago (08 April 2008), I was made the happiest person alive. Exactly two years ago, I found out that I have become a mother and I proudly shared the news with Mark that we are expecting our first baby. It is hard to believe that it happened two years ago because I can still remember clearly the details of how I found out about it, how Mark reacted and how blissfully happy we were. I can clearly recall how Mark and I discussed our soon to be changed future in the car on our way home.

Our future had indeed changed from that moment on, but in a way that is beyond our wildest imagination. It should have changed for the better, but unfortunately, it changed for the worse... or rather, worst.

I miss my firstborn so much... Sometimes I can't help but wonder whether if it is because I have loved him so much that I sent him a little sister to play with in Heaven cos I cannot bear knowing that he is all alone there.

Taipei Day 02

It is a dark, rainy and dreary day in Taipei. Decided not to go out for dinner (read: shopping) because I'd rather spend the time clearing today's email back log and the rain has also put a damper on my mood.

At least I got to go to the famous 士林夜市 last evening. It is a nice experience, although a bit smelly (due to the REALLY stinko 'smelly tofu' 臭豆腐). It stank to the high heavens (and if my Lucas and Chloe are really in Heaven, I bet they can smell it too).

Taipei Day 01

So far this hasn't been one of my best days... Mark is alone at home sick and I am not there to take care of him. As it is, I already hate travelling and being away from Mark, him being sick makes it even worse for me. Then this morning the cab that I booked to take me to the airport arrived late, which gave me a mild panic attack because I was worried about missing my flight. Then while leaving the plane, I discovered that my laptop was not in the overhead compartment where I had left it. This gave me a major panic attack until I saw this guy in the front seat holding my bag. I asked him why he is holding my bag and he apologised explaining that he thought it belonged to his friend. To top it all off, when I collected my check-in bag, I found the lock damaged. It gave me another massive panic attack because I kept thinking what if someone opened my bag and took my things (not that I have any valuables, but I need to wear clothes for the next few days right?) Oh and what if the lock is jammed and the bag cannot be opened?? Anyway, I somehow managed to remove the lock without too much trouble and the things inside are well, still inside. Including the 3 boxes of chocolates that I got for my Taiwanese colleages.

It's not even the end of the day yet, so I hope the rest of the evening/ night will be better. Going out with my colleague for some shopping (Yipee... this has to be good right??) and dinner.

Only Day 01 and I am already slightly homesick.

An ex-colleague in Hong Kong have birth to her first child, a little girl, last weekend. Saw the baby pics on Facebook and her baby's got the prettiest rosebud lips I have seen. I think she'll grow up to be a real looker next time. Got her a card and present from Mothercare... this is the first time I have stepped into Mothercare in the past 10 months.

The last time I was in a Mothercare shop, I was happily pregnant and buying maternity clothes baby things for Chloe. If I am not wrong, the last thing I have bought there for Chloe is a set of pink bibs, which were eventually cremated along with her.

Stepping into Mothercare again brought back a wave of emotions. If I still had Chloe, I'd have been there buying all those cute, pretty outfits for my princess.

How I wish I am there to buy things for MY baby instead of other people's babies. How I wish I'd be on the receiving end of baby gifts and cards instead of always being the sender. It'd be nice if the card says 'To Mark and Shane' instead of 'From Mark and Shane'. How wonderful and perfect that'd be...

I had originally intended to tender my resignation yesterday, on the 01st of April no less, and even had my letter drafted. I had been counting down for about 10 days and then plans kinda changed at the last minute cos I chickened out, plus a few other reasons (or are they excuses??) too.

First and foremost, I am concerned about our finances if I do stop working for a couple of months (yup, I had intended to take a complete break for a few months, so Mark will have to be the sole breadwinner for that period). I guess I am reluctant to compromise our current lifestyle, but I know this is something that I have to deal with sooner or later.

Secondly, I am worried about the expenses that I am pouring into my fertility program. I don't know how much more it is going to cost us if things continue the way they are now cos it seems like I am not getting anywhere near my goal. I also don't know how long more I'd have to continue with these sessions. These costs will dramatically increase if we move to the more intensive stages. I am now only going through 'stage 1' of the program, and if it still doesn't work, I am keen to move to 'stage 2' sooner rather than later. The cost difference between stage 1 and stage 2 is about ten-fold or maybe more.

Stage 1 = Fertility pills plus scans

Stage 2 = Hormone injections plus scans. Each injection costs $75 and I'd need around 7-9 of the injections every cycle. We spent a little fortune going through this for 4 months before we conceived Chloe.

Thirdly, I am kinda worried that I won't be able to find a job later... I know this may seem rather senseless, but with my current job, I do like most of my colleagues and I have a very nice boss. I am sure I could be paid more, but I am not complaining either cos I am given the flexibility to work from home. I want to leave because I am just losing focus, getting worn out and feeling unhappy (with myself and my life).

Fourthly, I just feel guilty for abandoning all my colleagues while we are up to our necks with this new gargantuan project we are undertaking. It's like I am leaving them in the lurch and I feel like a 'traitor'... and it feels rather irresponsible.

I am not saying that I am shelving this thought/ intention for good, but I will try and bear with it for as long as I possibly can before I throw in the towel. At the meantime, I will try and save up as much money as possible... some lifestyle changes will be necessary:

• No impulsive purchases
• Buying only 'needs' and not 'wants'
• Eat out less at restaurants
• Grocery shopping at Giant instead of Marketplace or Cold Storage

As I had expected, there are no matured/ maturing follicles.

Am I surprised at the outcome? ... NO. Disheartened by it? ... YES. Utterly.

As the doctor put it, there is 'no one at home' (thought that was pretty funny). Well, there's no choice but to abandon this cycle and hope that the next one comes along without too much of a fuss (i.e. medication).

Waiting to be scanned... Will there be any 'developments'? I'm not holding much hope though cos I have not been lucky for a long time. Moreover, I have been told that I have to travel next week, so even if the follicles have grown, conception is rather unlikely since Mark and I will be in different places. Sigh... I really need some good news soon cos I feel that I am starting to lose hope.