The Cord

I read this poem on a pregnancy loss support website. Clearly it is not referring to the umbilical cord that links mother and child. I too, have felt this 'invisible cord' between both my babies and me, right from the very moment that the first pregnancy kit showed a positive result. I loved them right from that moment on, and I had my hopes, dreams and future planned for them once I knew of their existence.

Mark had asked me before if we do get pregnant for the third time, would it be possible for me to try not to bond with this baby until we physically hold him/ her in our arms. I guess he was trying to protect me from more heartache and pain should it go awry again. I told him I'd try, but I don't know if this is even possible because I guess for most to-be moms, it'd be almost natural and instinctive to want to love and protect that little life growing in you from the moment you know it is there.

** Lucas and Chloe, not one day goes by where I don't think about you; and not a minute goes by where my heart doesn't long for you. Mummy is missing you, my sweet Angels.

The Cord

We are connected,

My babies and I,
By an invisible cord

Not seen by the eye.

It is not like the cord

That connects us till birth

This cord can't been seen

By any on Earth.

This cord does its work

Right from the start.

It binds us together

Attached to my heart.

I know that it is there

Though no one can see

The invisible cord

From my babies to me.

The strength of this cord

Is hard to describe.

It can't be destroyed

It can't be denied.

It's stronger than any cord

Man could create

It withstands the test

It can hold any weight.

And though you are gone,

Though you are not here with me,

The cord is still there

But no one can see.

It pulls at my heart

I am bruised...I am sore,

But this cord is my lifeline

As never before.

I am thankful that the cord connects us this way

The bond between a mother and her child

That death can't take it away

Author Unknown

Food Poisoning

Don't know if it's something that I'd eaten, but seems like I have a bad case of food poisoning with all the symtoms, i.e. upset stomach, vomitting, stomach spasm and fever. I spent the most of last night going in and out of the toilet and not getting much sleep at all. It's a pretty horrible feeling but I think I lost close to 2kg overnight. Most likely it's all the water so I am reminding myself to take more fluid.

I felt so bad last night I kept disturbing Mark, who was sound asleep. I told him not to be surprised to find me dead when he woke up the next morning. He told me that our Angels will look after me and that I'd be fine. I responded by saying that I'd rather be the one looking after them instead. That's what a mother is supposed to do, right? Alas, I didn't die (not that it is likely anyway, but I can hope, can't I?).

Mark dragged me off to the clinic near my office this morning and the doc gave me an injection plus 2 days medical leave. I thought the injection will make me feel better quite quickly, but it's been 6 hours and I still feel lousy. Ok, maybe not as lousy as last night, but it still pretty much sucks. While the doc was prescribing the medication, she asked if there's any possibility of me being pregnant. I responded that it is 'highly impossible'. Sigh... the sound of it coming out from my own mouth sounds so sad.

I have an appointment at NUH later this week with the doc who is handling my thrombophilia. My blood test results should also be ready by then, so hopefully it'd yield some findings. **fingers crossed**

Pregnancy Test #1

As instructed by the doc, I did my home pregnancy test yesterday morning since there isn't any signs of my period at all. Ripping open the package reminded me of the time almost exactly 8 months ago on 10 Feb when I suspected I was pregnant. The line in the 'window' that marked 'positive' was sooooooo faint that I thought I'd imagined it. I couldn't wait another day, so I called Mark and asked him to buy me the digital kind when he was on his way back from work. On that faithful night itself, I think I used up no less than THREE pregnancy test kits cos I couldn't believe my eyes.

The results of the test that I took yesterday was just the opposite, and there is definitely no need for any re-test. It is clear as day that there is zilch sign of pregnancy as only one line appeared. I don't think I can imagine the line in the other window even if I tried hard enough.

Missing my Little Boy

I have not had a chance to swim at all over the past week because the weather had not been 'co-operative'. Finally the weather this afternoon seemed more decent (although the sky was still a little overcast), and I thought a swim would do my headache some good. The only problem was because there's no sun, the water was freaking cold. It took me a good 10min before I finally submerged myself...

The pool was already pretty crowded when I arrived. There was this Caucasian father with his toddler in the pool, and I watched them for a long time because it seemed like they were enjoying themselves so much, oblivious to everything and everyone around them. The little boy kept giggling and shouting in delight when his dad pushed on the water at the surface, creating little 'waves' that rocked the float that he was on.

I wondered if we had Lucas, will Mark also take him to the pool to play every weekend? Will Lucas also be giggling and laughing with joy when he is playing with his daddy? Will Mark teach him how to swim? Will my little boy be a good swimmer? How will his first float look like?

Again, I felt like I have short-changed Mark. I have not only robbed him of his son, I also robbed him of the chance of being a doting and nuturing daddy, and I have deprived him of the experience of father-and-son bonding. I am sure he and Lucas will share a wonderful bond because in essence, Mark himself is still a little boy at heart. My little boy would be one year old in a month's time and I'd have organised a big party for him, complete with truckloads of presents. I miss him dearly. So much so that it hurts...

When I thought about all these, I felt the tears boiling over. It is a good thing that no one could tell that I was crying because my face was already wet from my swim. So I freely let my warm, salty tears mingle with the (freaking) cold, chlorinated water...

See this body of water? My tears are somewhere in there...

Edinburgh Postnatal Depression Scale (EPDS)

I recalled a 'test' that Dr T made me do in late Aug when Mark rasied to him about his concerns that I seem to be depressed. This test is known as the Edinburgh Postnatal Depression Scale (EPDS) and it is used to screen for post-partum depression 6-8 weeks after delivery. When I did the test, it was around 8 weeks after I losing Chloe. This is a pretty simple test with only 10 multiple-choice questions and a maximum score of 30.

At that time, Dr T seemed pretty surprised and concerned when he saw what my score was, but since I knew nothing about this test, I was not overly worried. The other day when the fertility doc was going through my files, I saw my results. I think I got a 'High Distinction' cos I scored 25 out of the 30 marks. Apparently if you score anything above 13, you are 'likely to be suffering from a depressive illness of varying severity', and anyone scoring anything above 10 needs to be further assessed by a health professional. Oops.. so I think I must have done 'quite well' with my score of 25.

I thought I would redo the test again (online) just to see how I perform now. **drumbroll**... my score is 19 this time. I guess there is an improvement, although technically speaking I still 'fail' the test. But hey, slight improvement is better than no improvement...

And I am reiterating again that I am not mad, just sad (hey, it even rhymes).

Slipped Away

It has been draining day thus far... Conference call after conference call, deadline after deadline... report after report... and mind is not in it at all. I feel like a walking zombie, or on auto-pilot mode. I can't even go for my much needed swim during lunchtime because the sky is really dark and I think a heavy downpour is in the pipeline.

This is how the skies look like from my bedroom window... It is a reflection of how my mood is now, i.e. dismal, desolate and dreary... I guess when it rains, my tears will follow in due course.

Slipped Away

Avril Lavigne

Na na, na na na, na na
I miss you, miss you so bad
I don't forget you, oh it's so sad
I hope you can hear me
I remember it clearly

The day you slipped away
Was the day I found it won't be the same
Ooooh

Na na na na na na na

I didn't get around to kiss you
Goodbye on the hand
I wish that I could see you again
I know that I can't

Oooooh
I hope you can hear me cause I remember it clearly

The day you slipped away
Was the day I found it won't be the same
Ooooh

I had my wake up
Won't you wake up
I keep asking why
And I can't take it
It wasn't fake
It happened, you passed by

Now you are gone, now you are gone
There you go, there you go
Somewhere I can't bring you back
Now you are gone, now you are gone
There you go, there you go,
Somewhere your not coming back

The day you slipped away
Was the day i found it won't be the same noo..
The day you slipped away
Was the day that i found it won't be the same oooh...

Na na, na na na, na na
I miss you

Feeling so lost since the moment I opened my eyes this morning... And I am waking up later in the mornings too, I think it's the accumulation of insufficent sleep over the last 2 weeks. I think even Hershey is begining to find me a nuisance because when I am awake in the middle of the night, I 'disturb' her with my movements and it disrupts her beauty sleep. She used to come to me for a tummy rub or pat on the head when she knows that I am awake in the wee hours, but for the last 2 nights, she's been ignoring me. **Sigh**... even the dog has given up on me.

Last night Mark took out the video camera which he bought (without my knowledge, if I may add) when I was still pregnant. The main reason he bought it was because he wanted to use it to record the pregnancy and the arrival of Chloe. Fortunately, we did manage to take quite a few videos of the pregnant me because these are the only tangible memories that we have of my pregnancy and of Chloe. With Lucas, we didn't even get a chance to take many photos because I lost him before I even really started looking pregnant.

Watching those clips made my heart ache so badly... it felt like it was only yesterday when my tummy was still big and I still had my Chloe. I was a blissfully pregnant mother who is contented and looking forward to the arrival of her princess. Now, I can't even out into words how much I miss her, how much I long to hold her and how much I love her.

Perhaps one day when I am ready, I will share the photos here. These are photos that bring me so much sweet memories, and pain. These photos are the treasured keepsakes of my princess.

I feel so alone in this pain... I wish there's some way to make this pain go away, but if making the pain vanish means forgetting Lucas and Chloe, then I think I'd rather live in pain.

This morning, I received an email from Amanda's mommy, A. It made be cry, but in a nice way because I was very touched by it. I was actually quite surprised to get an email from her because I thought that she'd be so busy taking care and enjoying every walking moment with Amanda.

Apparently, one week old Amanda is back in the hospital because she's got a bad case of jaundice, and A told me that is very worried and feels very helpless. She feels that she is a 'terrible mother' because she cannot do anything to help her Amanda while Amanda is lying naked under the blue light. I feel for her and wish that Amanda will be well enough to go home soon.

I know exactly how A is feeling now because I have felt the same way when I saw Chloe and there's nothing I could do to save her. I felt so helpless, so usless and so frustrated at that time.. I felt like (and am still feeling like) the worst mother in the world. I guess it's something all mothers will have in common... i.e. the innate need to protect their babies.

A also shared with me that when she was in the labour suite, she thought about Chloe several times. I wonder what she thought about, but didn't want to ask her now as she's so worried about Amanda's condition. A also told me that she's sad that Amanda will not get to be friends with Chloe, but she has a strong feeling that Amanda will be good friends with Chloe's younger siblings. I thought that was real sweet of her...

If Lucas and Chloe have indeed become Angels, I hope they will watch over their little friend, and see to it that she will be well enough to go home with her parents soon.

I took leave today firstly because I just felt like it and secondly, I have an appointment at NUH (yes, again) with the fertility doctor. I think I still have almost 20 days of annual leave left until the end of the fiscal year in Mar 2010. I had intended to 'save up' as much leave as I could when I was expecting Chloe because I planned to utilise them after I used up my maternity leave. Now there's no need for me to 'save up' these leave any more since there's no Chloe for me to take care of. I have no use for all these leave anymore, and it shares the same fate as all the baby clothes, bibs, mittens and booties that are still sitting uselessly in my wardrobe.

The fertility doc said that I should be getting my period around 09 Nov since my last period was on 09 Oct. I wasn't being rude, but I had to try not to laugh when she said it because my period hasn't been regular for a loooooooong time due to PCOS. I bluntly told her it is highly unlikely that I'd get my period anytime soon without any medication, so she prescribed me with a course of medication to take if my period doesn't materialize by next week. She told me to take a home pregnancy test before I take the medicine, just in case I am pregnant. I had to try even harder not to laugh because the chances of me being pregnant now is as good naught.

I understand she was just trying to play it safe and it's all for my good, but I have become very cynical of my own body after being disappointed and betrayed by it repeatedly. She'd also recommended for me to go for an x-ray to ensure that my tubes are not blocked, so that would take place in 2 weeks. The results of the 7 (or was it 8?) vials of blood that they took from me on 20 Oct is not out yet, so I'll have to wait until 13 Nov when I see the rheumatologist. Another 10 more days of worry...

On a (much) happier note, I saw Dr T along the hallway as I was making my way to the clinic!! He was walking towards my direction and I spotted him from afar. Yup yup.. my heart was palpitating in full force. He didn't see me (sadly) as he appeared to be hurrying somewhere and was reading a document he was holding. I was too cowardly to go up and say 'hi'... I think I'd be a blabbering idiot anyway, so I better not risk ruining my own reputation. Anyway, this is a nice way to begin the day/ week, and clearly, I am still (so) not over with my infatuation. I am contemplating if I should relocate my 'home office' to the NUH cafeteria... Anyway I have so many appointments lined up and I am already spending so much time there. At the same time, it'd be nice to 'bump' into Dr T once in a while... Better still, why don't I just get a job there?

Horrible Halloween 2009

Mark and I had a really eventful Halloween night yesterday, and it's not in a good way at all. He arranged to meet with some friends for dinner and a friend suggested Sunset Grill at Seletar Airbase. I have heard about this place from DG, and thought it'd be nice to be able to check it out finally.

When we were en-route there, it started to rain (although it was still sunny when we left the house) and traffic became bad as all the cars were slowing down. By the time we reached Seletar, it was positively pouring. It doesn't help that it our first time there for both of us, and the rain was so heavy we couldn't see any of the road signs at all. I think we lost our way as soon as we exited from the expressway. In a nutshell, we were so horribly lost and the rain was making it even harder for us to try and extricate ourselves from the mess. There were floods, potholes, 'killer' camouflaged humps, lightning flashing overhead and we couldn't see anything ahead of us (yes, it was a true Halloween night alright!!), so by the time we found the Sunset Grill, I was ever so ready to go home.

Wait.. things continue to go downhill from here...

The place had an open air carpark, so we had to dash across from the car. By then, I was wet, hungry, cold, pissed, frustrated and silently cursing myself for agreeing to the dinner. Due to the downpour, the restaurant closed up the outdoor area and they were not able to accommodate us because the inside area was already full. Yup, after all the effort of going there, this was the end result. At that stage, I think I was reading to saw off someone's head.

The rest of the gang then decided to go to a shopping mall for dinner and when we got there, we couldn't get a car park. WTF?? Anyway, when we finally sat down for dinner, it was 2.5 hours since I left the comfort of my house. We spent a freaking 2.5 hours in the car...