Hershey Update 2

This below photos were taken last night. She was still feeling mighty sorry for herself and not moving around much.

This photo of her is taken this afternoon.. she's 90% back to normal and annoying the sh*t out of Mark and I with her incessant barking at the TV and squeaking the d*mn cow (I really regret giving it to her). And now that she's more mobile, I no longer have a clean floor cos it is carpeted by a layer of her fur.

Once again, chaos reigns.

Hershey Update 1

It's day 2 post surgery and my poor Hershey girl is still out of sorts. Although she seems to be improving, she is still rather lethargic and listless, always lying down and doesn't seem to be very interested in the surroundings.

I've literally been keeping an eye on her most of the time and boiling chicken porridge for her twice a day. The one consolation is at least she's sleeping, eating, peeing and pooping well...


The night after we brought her home:

Gave her a new toy but she was hardly interested and that's one fortunate cow cos till today, it is still intact. Had this been given to her during her 'normal' days, the cow would have it's innards out by now.

The day after surgery:

She seems to hate her e-collar and was really uncomfortable with it on, so we removed it for her since I was keeping an eagle eye on her just to make sure she does not attempt to lick her wound. Still grouchy and very 'un-Hershey-like'.

Day 2 post surgery:

Still feeling sorry for herself and probably wondering why we did what we did to her.

Huskee gave her a 'Get Well' gift, but she was hardly showed any interest in it... Will save it for her for another day.

At least her favourite treat garnered a wee bit of interest.

Missing my Hershey

I find it so incredibly ironic that of all days, today is my ovulation day and this is also the day that we have made prior arrangements to send Hershey to the vet to be spayed!!! Here I am trying to conceive, and at the same time, I have sent my female dog to lose her ovaries and uterus. If karma really does exists, it'd take more than a miracle for me to get pregnant with this cycle.

We can't pick Hershey up from the vet until 7pm tonight, and I have been controlling the urge to call them up every other hour to check on how she is. I am fully aware that spaying is a routine surgery for the vets, but as with all surgeries, it must carry some risk... moreover, the internet says that spaying is considered a major surgery cos it is invasive. In an attempt to try and reassure her, I have brought the t-shirt which Mark wore last night and told the nurse to put it into her crate. Not sure if it'd even help, but at least I tried.

The house feels awfully quiet (and clean) without Hershey here... There isn't any sudden loud barking that scares the daylights out of me, no one trying to jump at the TV, no one blocking me when I am watching TV, no one trying to get me to play by bringing me her really stinky tug toy, no one following me around the house like a shadow, no one resting her head on my lap and looking at me with soulful eyes when I use the bathroom (yes, she does this all the time)... I took the chance of her absence to vacumn the whole house this morning, and now the floor is squeaky clean without any fur and drool. Somehow it just does not feel the same.

Mark and I are contemplating if we should BOTH sleep on the floor with her tonight since she is not allowed to jump on or off any furniture while her wound is healing. Can't wait to see her and bring her home.

A new perfume was launched recently and I LOVE LOVE LOVE it's name. The name is a combination of Chloe's song, 'Love, Me', and her name. I'd love to buy it, but I don't think I need another bottle of perfume now cos my sister just bought me a new bottle from Lavin.

One day, some day... I will get it!

There are two potential egg follicles instead of just the one that I initially thought! One is measuring at 17mm and the smaller one is at 16mm, so there is a good chance that either/ both can reach maturity, which is just 1-2mm away. If things proceed according to plan, then ovulation should be sometime around Thurday.

This is already my third cycle of FSH injections, and typically most conception happen within the first four cycles. I am worried that if I still don't succeed soon, the next option will be IVF, which is not something that I am looking forward to although I'd still do it if it's the only option left.

Oh, and the highlight of my day is I saw the 'object of my affections' along the hallway of the hospital this morning. It's been almost a year since I last saw Dr Tan, and seeing him today was a rather pleasant surprise, which caused my heart to skip a beat (sorry Mark, you know I still love you heaps and you will always be my numero uno right?)

Decided that today's post will be about the numerous tiny bruises that I have on my tummy because of all the injections I have been having. The right side looks worse than the left, and if the photo is sharper, you'll even be able to make out the tiny red spots where the needle poked into me.

As of today, my biggest follicle measures on at 14mm. Still a little bit more to go before it reaches maturity. There are 2 other smaller follicles at around 7mm, but I am not putting much hope on them because it's unlikely that they will mature in time. Let's see what they will look like on Monday... am hoping fervently that the 14mm one will be at least 16mm or more by then.

Finally found the original version of 'Can't Cry Hard Enough' that I like... This song always makes me think of Lucas cos I heard this song playing on the day I found out that I was going to lose him. The song was playing on the radio when Mark and I were in the car on our way to my routine check-up, and I was actually humming along to the song. Little would I have expected that within an hour, I'd be told that I was going to lose him.

william brothers - can't cry hard enough mp3s
Free Mp3 download sites

I'm gonna live my life
Like every day's the last
Without a simple good-bye
It all goes by so fast

And now that you're gone
I can't cry hard enough
No I can't cry hard enough
For you to hear me now

I'm gonna open my eyes
And see for the first time
I've let go of you like
A child letting go of his kite

There it goes up in the sky
There it goes beyond the clouds
For no reason why
I can't cry hard enough
No I can't cry hard enough
For you to hear me now

I'm gonna look back in vain
And see you standing there
When all that remains
Is just an empty chair

And now that you're gone
I can't cry hard enough
No I can't cry hard enough
For you to hear me now

There it goes, up in the sky
There it goes, beyond the clouds
For no reason why
I can't cry hard enough
No I can't cry hard enough
For you to hear me now

To my darling husband, the daddy of my 2 precious Angels -

I confess that I forgot to get a card for you (and it's a good thing you forgot to get one for me too or else you'll never let me live with it)... Since it's too late to get you a card now, I decided to do something different this year and write to you via our Angels' blog.

Happy 7th Year Anniversary to you... I find it very hard to believe I have been 'Mrs Lee' for 7 long years. While I am still getting used to people addressing me as 'Mrs Lee', I admit that I like the sound of it a lot. I really hope that this Mrs Lee will be able to give Mr Lee a Master and/or Miss Lee somewhere in the not to distant future.

The last 7 years have been full of ups and downs, to say the least. We have both gained and lost a lot in the last 7 years; namely gain in weight (mainly for me) and loss of hair (ok, this is for you). The 'highlight' of course is the gain and subsequent loss of our 2 babies.

I want you to know that I am looking forward to many more years together with you, and I will treasure each and every moment we have together. I will also promise you that I will take this time to 'find myself' and give you back the old Shane that you once knew. I know I have held you back in your career path, and have been the 'stumbling block' in your life for the last 2 years.

Thank you for giving me 2 very precious Angels, for loving me, standing by me, putting up with my nonsense, understanding me when no one else does, for being my 'protector' in every aspect imaginable and last but definitely most importantly, for making me laugh. Till this day, whenever anyone asks me how I knew you were 'the one', I am still sticking to the same answer like all those years ago, i.e. You are the only one who can make me laugh with wild abandon, cheer me up whenever I am down and even manage to draw a smile from me when I am crying.

Here's a short trip down memory lane. I truly miss those carefree times we had in Melbourne.

The place where we first met - Victoria Hall, Melbourne

One of the very first photos we took
(in matching pyjamas, no less, the pants courtesy of your grandma)

Taken on my 24th birthday

Taken in March 2003 when I went to visit you in Melbourne to celebrate our 5th year of dating

Loving you today and always,

Mrs Lee

It feels rather strange... now there is no need to wake up early to dress and go to work; no more early morning and late night conference calls; no need to rush to office or back home to take conference calls; no more calling up different countries to chase for information; no need to travel; no need to rush for deadlines, etc... All of a sudden, a large part of my life is missing.

It's not that I am complaining about it, just that the feeling takes some getting used to. Since this is only day 2 of my self-imposed break, the sudden lack of 'things that needs to be done' is quite refreshing. I just hope that I don't get overly bored.

To be honest, I am missing my colleagues already. Many of them have worked with me for many years, and we have done many projects and braved many storms together. Many of them have sent me emails after receiving news of my rather sudden departure. Many of the emails touched me so much that they made me cry. I would never have thought that some of my 'tough' male colleagues who appear uber cool at work are capable of writing such poignant emails.

Now that the die has been cast, I can only look forward now and remember the at the past with much fondness. I do hope to take this break to find my old self. I miss the old me, and I think Mark does too.

Amanda will soon be turning 1 in a week's time, and I just saw a video her mom took of her making her first unaided steps. The way she wobbled unsteadily towards her daddy was so adorable... and I wonder whether if Chloe is with us now, would she have learnt to walk already? What'd her first words be? Would she have a head full of hair, or be quite bald like how I was in my early years?

I don't know if I can ever say this enough times, but I miss my Chloe (and of course Lucas too) so much. What do I have to do in order to hold their hands, kiss their cheeks and hear their chuckles?

Resignation...

I did it at finally... Today I tendered my resignation with immediate notice, meaning today is officially my last day with a company whom I have been working in for almost 10 years. (To anyone who had said/ thought I'd never do it, I'd like to say 'up yours!'). I think I have reached breaking point and I know that I wouldn't be able to hold out any longer if I continue on. For the sake of my life and my sanity, there is no other recourse.

My boss, I couldn't have hoped for a better boss. He came over to the house to see if I was ok, and of course talk to me to tie up any loose ends. Ultimately, he was very understanding to my plight and told me if I ever needed a job in future, I could go to him. I just feel so guilty to give him additional problems and for being such a disappointment. I will miss working under him and I doubt I'd ever find a boss who'd be half as good and understanding as he is. Furthermore, I will miss my colleagues too... most of them I have worked with for a long time.

Don't know what the future holds for me (and Mark)... Financially, it'd definitely be an uphill struggle because we go from being a dual income household to a single income household overnight. Furthermore, fertility treatments will also have to be halted because of the expenses...

Overall, my life is in shambles and it will have to continue on like this for a while until I can 'find myself'. I am looking for inner peace and for what I really want in life.

Happy 1st Birthday to my Little Girl

To my Dearest Daughter - Chloe,

14 October,was supposed to have been your EDD, and it should have been your first birthday today. Unfortunately, Mummy brought you into this world 16 weeks too early and your date of birth/ date of death became 26 June.

How I dearly wish that today is a day filled with joy and much laughter, rather than feeling the pain, dread and gloom. How I wish Daddy and Mummy can take you and little Lucas to a toy store and let you pick out any toy that catches your fancy. How I wish I can buy you a birthday cake in pretty pink. How I wish I can hold your tiny hands, kiss your cheeks and sit you on my lap; one lap for you, the other lap for Lucas. How I wish I can drop everything right now and be with you and Lucas.

It's been 16 long months since I last held you, kissed you and bade you farewell. That pain is still as strong, if not stronger, but I have learnt to disguise it much better, especially in the last 6 months. But since last evening, something inside me snapped. I cannot stop crying and the pain in my heart is so bad that it makes me breathless. I have cried my eyes swollen and I don't think I have any more tears left in me.

Sweetheart, Daddy and I want you (and Lucas too) to know that we are both missing you two a lot, and we think about you all the time. Not a day has gone by without us saying your names, and not a moment has gone by without us wishing that you are here.

Happy 1st Birthday, Princess Chloe...

we hope that our little girl is having the most wonderful and perfect birthday celebration in heaven with her big brother.

Sending You Never Ending Love, Hugs and Kisses,

Daddy & Mummy

I conclude that I have indeed jumped from the pot and into the fire on the work front. Every day is a struggle with this new project that I am doing, and I dread waking up every morning because it means another long and arduous day at work. To think of it, I haven't worked from home for quite a number of days...

Well there's no other choice but to keep with it because I need the money for the freakingly expensive fertility treatments (and I am not even talking about IVF), and I don't know how long it will go on for.

BBQ Pork Buns...

So, I have been hearing and reading in the media that 10 October 2010 (10/10/10) is an lucky day. How 'lucky' can it be (for me at least) if my period came today??!!! This means I have wasted yet another month, yet another $1300 on treatments and medication, yet another month of dashed hopes... I think I have been disappointed so many times I am rather numb to that kind of pain now.

This morning Mark and I took my parents for a dim sum brunch at a local hotel. This place holds very special memories for me because Mark and I went there on many weekends when I was expecting Chloe. At that time, I (or perhaps it was Chloe??) was hopelessly addicted to their BBQ pork buns, so much so that I could eat 4 of those buns in one sitting, in addition to the standard bowl of congee, my favourite shrimp dumplings, pan fried turnip cake, glutinous rice wrapped in lotus leaf... I recall that Mark had a field day telling everyone about my '4 BBQ pork buns' story.

Somehow I am not so crazy about the BBQ pork buns anymore. They don't seem to taste the same as before and are not as good. Perhaps they tasted better when we went there with Chloe because at that point in time, our lives were moving in the right direction (or so we thought), so anything and everything tasted heavenly.

Now that my life has been turned topsy-turvy, there is a tinge of bitterness in everything that comes into my path.

I have a gut feeling that what I dread will soon happen, i.e. getting my period. I have been getting some of my usual symptoms. I guess once again, Lady Luck abandoned me... somehow I keep reassuring myself that if you are already in the pits, the ONLY way left to go is up. However this rationale does not seem to be proving itself at all, at least not to me.

Last night while I was channel surfing and watching some random Hong Kong drama serial on the telly, one of the characters said this:

命运无法改，

但运气可以改

In short, it means that one cannot change his fate, but he can change his luck. Can someone please enlighten me how I can change my luck for the better?? My streak of bad luck should/ must be ending soon right?

Yay... I am finally going home tonight!! I haven't been sleeping properly the past 2 nights (it takes me a few sleeps to get used to a new environment, and being in 2 different hotels/ cities in the same number of days is not really helping my cause). My schedule the past 2 days have been very hectic, rushing from airport to hotel to office... and to add to my weight loss woes, my dinners the past 2 nights have been very late! Past 9pm on Monday and at 10.30pm yesterday.

Today is day 12 post ovulation. There are 2 possible outcomes: 1) I will get my period in 2-3 days OR 2) I don't my period because I have succeeded (obviously opton 2 is my preferred outcome!!). Don't know how much more disappointment I can put up with, so please God, please, please, please let it work this time.

Over brunch earlier on, Mark and I ended up discussing our nephews and nieces. I have a 3 year old nephew and a 7 (or is it 8??) year old niece from my side, and Mark has a 6 year old nephew and a niece who will be arriving in about 4 month's time. Both of us have taken a back seat in lives of our nephews and niece. While we do love them, buy them stuff and have a decent relationship with them, let's just say that it's not something remarkable or something that's worth mentioning. I guess it's because neither of us made any effort at all... we simply lost interest after losing Lucas and it exacerbated after we lost Chloe.

Something that Mark said hit the nail on the head. It may sound callous, but the reason for our loss of interest is because our mentality now is that our nephews and niece have their own parents to take care of them and to love them, whereas Lucas and Chloe don't even get the chance to be doted on by us, and to savour how it feels to be in the arms of their mommy/ daddy.

A sudden idea came to my mind out of the blue and it became the 'inspiration' for today's post. This morning as I was engrossed in my ouwn thoughts while preparing chicken porridge for Hershey (helps in her diarrhea) and I started wondering whether if one can trade or sell his/ her soul to the devil, in exchange for something of course.

In the fanciful tale of Dr. Faustus, a man makes a deal with the devil: in exchange for his body and soul, the man is to receive supernatural power and pleasures for 24 years. The devil agrees to the trade, and Dr. Faustus enjoys the pleasures of sin for a season, but his doom is sealed. At the end of 24 years, Faustus attempts to thwart the devil’s plans, but he meets a frightful demise, nonetheless.

I do not need supernatural power or pleasures of sin, but IF such a thing does exist, I would love to be able to trade/ sell my soul to the devil in exchange for 24 years of life as a mother to my own child. It may not seem like a long time, but to me, it'd be well worth it and I will let the devil claim my soul after that.

I have been living a rather meaningless existence for the past 15 months and I do feel like a hollow shell without a soul on some days. Hence if there is such a tradeoff, I'd grab it with both hands (and wrap my legs around it for good measure).

Barter trade anyone???