I bought this ovulation test kit last week cos I expected that I would ovulate this week (I guess if I were 'normal', I would have ovulated already). Well, I don't think I would be needing this anytiime soon...

Super pissed off with MYSELF!!! I wonder WTF is wrong with my body!!! It's so frustrating because when I went back for the scan this morning, I was again told that there are no matured follicles despite the fact that I had taken fertility tablets. I hate the fact that I am at the mercy of something that I have zero control over.

The doctor wanted me to go back on Thursday to see if the follicles have increased in size. If there is still no developments by then, we will have to abandon this cycle and wait for the next one.

Very disappointed and very angry - WITH MYSELF!

Did my grocery shopping and meant to go to the pool for a couple of hours upon getting home, but once I reached home, the skies turned dark and I heard thunder. Ok, change of plans then... no swimming today.

A colleague reminded me that I had to clear my annual leave from the current fiscal year, upon checking, I realised that I still have 11 days to be cleared by 31 Mar. That ain't going to happen obviously, but I have taken leave today and Monday, so it's a start at least. I planned to sleep in and then spend a couple of hours at the pool, but none of this happened.

I woke up earlier than usual because Hershey was whining away and after a while, I learnt the reason behind her whines. She wanted to be let out so that she can go to her toilet... our poor girl has diarrhea. Somewhere between when I was changing the bedsheets and doing the laundry, she pooped again, stepped on it and walked halfway around the house!! I ended up mopping the whole house twice... After that was done, I thought I can take a break and read the newspapers, but the poor pup puked in 3 different places, which resulted in more mopping (I think the house hasn't been so clean in a long time). By the time everything is done, I am exhausted and no longer in the mood to do any of the things I had originally set out to do.

Oh and I couldn't resist taking a peek at my work email, and ended up working for over 2 hours... If I feel up to it, perhaps I will go to the supermarket to buy some food so that I can make Mark a special dinner tonight. No more Western dishes this time... I want Chinese food. I bought 2 cook books yesterday and am inspired to try out some of the dishes.

Since if I cannot give my husband any baby, the least I can do is to keep his stomach full.

Waiting... waiting... waiting

I waited close to 2 hours for my second ultra-sound scan this morning... about the same length of time that I waited for my first scan on Monday.

The total time I spent in the consultation room was around 5 minutes. The actual scan only took like 3 minutes; I took 1 minute undressing and dressing (in that order) and the last minute (more like 30 seconds) was for the doctor to tell me that the follicle size is still far from the target (for ovulation to take place) and that I should go back (again) for another scan on Monday to see if the follicles have grown.

So it'll be another 2 hour in the waiting room come Monday... I seem to be spending a large portion of my life playing the waiting game. Waiting for ovulaton, waiting for conception, waiting for my period, waiting for test results, waiting for the weekend to come, waiting... waiting... waiting...

I wonder if this new cycle will bring me the good news that I so badly want to hear, or will it be another disappointment?

My Kind of 'Diet'

The counsellor came by to our place this morning to get me to sign off my 'discharge document' to discharge myself from her care. She was really surprised when she saw me cos she claimed that I lost 'a lot' of weight and she wouldn't have recognised me if I bumped into her outside.

I have been weighing myself daily and I have not lost much weight... I don't think I have lost anything over 1.5 kg, which is pretty insignificant anyway. Mark also made a comment earlier this week that I look haggard due to my sunken cheeks (yup, now he's made me more self-conscious than ever).

The same thing happened when I was in the office earlier this week. Two colleagues whom I rarely see commented that I have lost heaps weight and asked what kind of diet I was on. I certainly am not putting myself through any kind of 'diet' consciously, certainly not Atkins, South Beach, Cambridge, etc.

Perhaps my kind of diet is the 'Diet of the Broken Hearted'. No exercise or pill-popping necessary...

It's a brand new day, but nothing's changed - my thoughts and emotions that is... I am still feeling very unhappy although I am tired of it, but I cannot control it.

Last night when we were in the car going home, Mark remarked that he feels that we have short-changed Chloe because she does not have anything. What I mean is that we always refer to the other spare bedroom as 'Lucas's room', Mark wears a pendant with 'Lucas' inscribed on it, etc, but Chloe does not have anything per se.

My only response to him is that I have short-changed Chloe from the moment my waterbag broke.

Eternal Sadness

Very disappointingly, I woke up this morning... I woke up to another day that is filled with gloom, unhappiness and dread. It is not even 1pm now, but I am already feeling exhausted. I am consumed by only one thought/ emotion - Sadness. Don't know why but I just know I feel sad, very sad.

Last night I spent some time lying on Mark's lap and just cried and cried. Somehow I still don't think that I have cried enough... I still have the urge to cry some more, a lot more actually. Like I recently told a friend, the pain inside NEVER leaves... It is there lurking in the shadows, waiting for the opportunity to consume me again (and again and again); dragging me into the same abyss over and over; stabbing at my heart and soul relentlessly; and keeping my eyes constantly brimming over with unshed tears.

I just feel like curling into a ball and cry my heart out.

Help... what is happening to me?

Sign from my Angels?

I almost forgot about this feather (I believe it's from a seagull??) that I found lying on the road in Japan. I kept the feather between the pages of a book that I brought along for my recent Tokyo trip and only 'rediscovered' it when I picked the book up last night for some bedtime reading. Small, insignificant and easily missed by people hurrying by, it somehow caught my eye immediately after I stepped out of the airport terminal.

It was lying on the dirty tar pavement, but surprisingly, it remained pristine white. Remembering the book I read on Angel Signs, I was determined to 'save' this feather from being trampled by the people walking around... perhaps a part of me was hoping that it was a sign from my Angels.

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'Feathers may be the ultimate angelic sign. Although feathers come in all different sizes and colors, they're amazing signs because they're directly connected with the thought, prayer, or question that you had in mind. Rarely will you find one left by the angels without knowing what it means. Either you’ll come across it while thinking about something or you'll immediately sense the association upon finding it. The angels will bring you feathers and other signs in a way tailor-made to your own level of faith.'

Weekday = Office Work, Weekend = Housework

Woke up to a dull and rainy day... I don't mind it one bit cos that's how I like it anyway. It is nice and cool for a change, instead of the usual unbearable heat and humidity. Moreover, it complements perfectly with how I have been feeling lately... i.e. depressing, disconsolate and miserable. A good night of sleep has also been evading me for the past couple of nights and it can be pretty annoying.

There are heaps of errands to run today and it is a busy day ahead... the air-con servicing people are coming over in the morning, clean the house after they leave, polish the parquet floor in the bedroom, send Huskee to the groomer, do grocery shopping for next week, iron clothes (if possible), go over to mom's place for dinner... Initially intended to wash a load of clothes but since the weather doesn't permit, I guess I'd have to wait and see if tomorrow will bring some sunshine.

I find it feeble how I wait all week for the weekend to come, and when it is finally here, I spend it doing housework and running errands... and before I know it, the weekend is over. Is this what my life is all about?