Tokyo Day 01

Just arrived in Tokyo about 3 hours ago and checked into my teeny weeny room for the next few days... I have not yet seen the sun here in the 'Land of the Rising Sun'. The weather is cool, drab and basically just gloomy. Quite a sudden change from the super hot and humid weather back home. Find it pretty interesting that I was wearing my bathing suit basking in the warm afternoon sunshine yesterday afternoon, and now I am wearing turtlenecks and jackets!!

The flight here wasn't too bad... my first time on A380 and I do like the product. Now I finally understand what the hype was about when it was first launched. Sadly I only managed to catch short, interrupted sleep during those 6 hours. I wanted to kick myself hard for not having a camera with me because at 5am, I woke up to the most beautiful sunrise. It was breathtaking and no words can be used to described that moment and do it justice. well if this is what Heaven looks like, then I am sure Lucas and Chloe are having a fun time there and occasionally peeking down at their parents from behind the fluffy clouds.

When Mark sent me to the airport last night, we kissed goodbye under the full moon (it being the last day of Chinese New Year meant that yesterday was the 15th of the lunar month, a time where the moon is at its fullest). I wonder if my Angels were also watching us from above... I have been away from Mark less than 12 hours, and I am already missing him like crazy. It feels weird doing things without him beside me.

Got to go and take a shower to freshen up before trying to find my way to the office.

In another 14 hours, I will be on my way to the 'Land of the Rising Sun' (got to google why it is being called that because doesn't the sun rise in every land??) Within this 14 hours, I have got tasks to achieve, and the main ones are:

1. Buy and Prepare Hershey's food supply for the next few days
2. Iron Mark's work clothes
3. Pack my bag
4. Go to the swimming pool (cos that is one of the ways I can 'chill out')

Ok back to what I really want to blog about today... Last night I was alone at home and doing the usual channel surf when I saw this programme on Channel 8. It's about a Malay lady who had kidney problems and needed dialysis. She only found out that she was pregnant after 4 months into the pregnancy. To add to her already complicated health issue, she was was expecting a pair of twins and had to be hooked up to the dialysis machine 6 times each day throughout her pregnancy to maintain her babies' well-being. Her pair of twin girls very arrived prematurely and had to spend a long period of time (4 months) in hospital, battling all sorts of complications and health challenges.

I was really happy to learn that at the end of it all, she was able to bring her babies home on 26 Jan 10... The quiet joy on her face spoke volumes. I wept throughout the 30min of the show. Looking at her teeny-weeny babies reminds me of my sweet Angel princess. What if we had insisted on saving her? Would it have made a difference? Will she be with us today?

Every little thing that I come across makes me think of Chloe - a sweet baby pink romper, a pretty flower hairclip, little baby Adidas shoes, sounds of a child laughing or crying, etc. Not one single day goes by where I don't think of her. I miss her so much... oh so darn f**king much.

** Missing you could turn from pain to pleasure,

if I knew you were missing me too. **

I received a overseas call last evening from the mother of our housemate who stayed together with us in Melbourne. Although we have all graduated and gone back to our respective countries (Hong Kong for him) years back, we have kept in contact with him and his parents. We got to meet/know his parents when they went to visit our housemate in Australia. They will stay with us for up to a month and during those times, his mom (who is a really good cook) would whip up delicious home-cooked dishes for us.

If Mark and I visit Hong Kong, we usually will go out for dinner with them, and each Christmas and Chinese New Year, I never fail to send them a greeting card the traditional way (aka via snail mail). When Mark and I got married, we invited them to our wedding, but although they couldn't attend due to work commitments, they gave us a big 'red packet'.

Auntie (that's what Mark and I call her) called to thank us for the card and just to see how we have been. The chat with her brought back fond memories of the days we spent in that apartment in Courtney Street. I also found out that her husband, whom we call 'Uncle' (obviously!!) had retired from his job last year. Uncle is a quiet, but learned and well-educated man who was the principal of a local high school for many years.

Subsequently, Auntie asked if there is any Mark or Shane juniors yet, and I had to tell her 'no' with a heavy heart. When I see her face to face one day, I definitely will tell her about my 2 Angels... I just didn't feel comfortable sharing this with her over the phone. I did tell her that we are trying and will share the good news with her if/ when we succeed.

Hopefully I will be making that call to Hong Kong soon to share with them the good news.

Counting down reluctantly to my short trip on Sunday evening. Not looking forward to:

• Being away from my 'comfort zone'
• Being apart from Mark
• Sleeping alone
• Not having Hershey around to make me laugh/ cry and happy/ angry
• Wasting time in airports, airplanes, etc...
• Stuck in economy class for 7 hours (but at least it's Singapore Airlines)
• Work piling up whilst I am away (and then having to work doubly hard to clear the backlog when I return)

I am seriously begining to think that I am in the wrong industry/ profession. How can someone working the travel industry be so hung-up about travelling? Moreover I don't sleep well in a new environment, especially if alone... so to add to the above list, there will be 3 sleepless nights for me.

The one thing to thank for is that I should have ovulated before I have to leave for this trip... otherwise, it is another reason for me to dislike my job. To be fair, I have not made one single business trip in 2009, largely due to my pregnancy and the subsequent loss of it.

With more upcoming projects headed my way for 2010, it's inevitable that there'll be more trips ahead. I am seriously considering if I should get a less stressful job that does not require any travelling... and late night conference calls with folks in other time zones. Just had a conference call marathon last evening and was totally drained.

If I do get pregnant eventually, should I quit this job and just focus on the baby? Can I get another job that can pay me the same wage? Will quitting this job make any difference to the outcome of the next pregnancy?

Ovulation Part II --- Feb 2010

I did another ovulation test last evening and the result was still showing that there is a surge of LH hormones... which should mean that I have yet to ovulate although it should happen 'soon'. Boy this is indeed nerve-wrecking (and confusing). Since the previous test I took on 23 Feb had the same result, i.e. I will ovulate in the next 24-36 hours, should it be 24-36 hours from the previous test or 24-36 hours from the current test??

I did have lower abdomen pain since last evening, and it kept me awake for most part of the night... but I am unsure if it has anything to do with ovulation. The pain still hasn't subsided, but it seems to feel more like 'gastric flu'/ 'food poisoning', which I seem to be getting on a monthly basis.

Anyway, I am lost and confused, and not to mention stressed out because if I don't catch the time correctly, then basically conception will be impossible.

For 'tracking and record purposes', I have dated the 2 tests that I did (though I have no idea what I'd need it for).

Ovulation Part I --- Feb 2010

The test results of my home ovulation kit yesterday indicated that I should be ovulating in the 'next 24-36 hours'. It took longer than I'd initially expected to reach ovulation as I'd expected it to happen over the weekend.

The test (T) line is above and the below line is the control (C) line. Prior to ovulation, a hormorne called 'luteinizing hormorne' (LH) is released by the body and the test picks out the presence of this hormone in the urine. When there is a surge in LH, the T line will appear as dark as, or darker than the C line, which is what happened in my case.

This is my 4th test stick out of a pack of 5, and I was begining to worry that I'd run out of them before I ovulate. (I also want to add that they are pretty expensive!!) And thankfully this happens before my business trip in a few day's time or else this would have been a 'wasted cycle'.

With this, I have a 25% chance of conceiving this month... I am not putting in too much hopes into it least I get disappointed again, but this is at least one step towards the 'goal'.

What Doesn't Kill Me Makes Me Stronger

The 9th day into the Year of Tiger is off to a roaring start for me... to be more precise, it is roaring with pain and agony from the migraine that I woke up to. (Suddenly I've found another 'advantage' in keeping this blog... other than letting me rave and rant, I can also use it to monitor how frequently I am getting these migraines since I blog about it...)

On Saturday morning, Mark and I paid our visit to his family and took them out for a New Year luncheon. It was inevitable that I had to meet his cousin's 7 month old son (aka our nephew) for the first time. Stormy (no, I am not kidding about his name) was born in July 2009, and he's supposed to be 3 months older than his cousin Chloe. Provided if he stays here rather than go back to Australia, it'd be so fun to watch them grow up playing (and fighting??) together since they are so close in age.

I am getting quite sore of watching other people's happiness when they are with their babies. It's so tiring having to put on a happy facade in their presence and pretend that my heart is not bleeding. I always try to put myself into other people's shoes and think of their feelings, but at times, I wonder if anyone will put themselves in my shoes and think of how I am feeling. Does/ Will anyone take a moment and think of the 2 babies that I lost?

But I guess I can't control any of these because around us, there is simply too many friends/ family with young kids and we cannot possibly avoid them forever. I have to keep reminding myself the mantra - 'What doesn't kill me makes me stronger'. This mantra kept me going when I lost Lucas... and I then applied it to other aspects of my life. When I lost Chloe, the mantra lost some of its 'effectiveness' because I was inclined to continue it on with 'but if it doesn't make me stronger, then please let it kill me'.

The solitary little egg follicle measured at 15.5mm yesterday, so if things proceed according to plan and if Mother Nature takes it's course, then I should be ovulating within the next 3 days when that follicle grows up to between 16mm-18mm. With every cycle/ ovulation, there's only a 25% chance of natural conception. I hope that I'll get lucky this time.

The rate of success is pretty dismal in my opinion, at only 25%. Hmmm...I wonder whatever happens to the other 75%. Hopefully we will fall into the lucky 25% because we only get ONE chance to get this single egg fertilized **crossing fingers**. Yet another few weeks of playing the waiting game to see if my period comes and know if we are successful.

I have an appointment later this morning with the fertility doc to scan the size of my follicles. Hopefully, they have 'grown' since the last scan 2 days ago so that this won't be a 'wasted cycle' and I can have a chance at natural conception during ovulation. On 12Feb it was at 8mm, on 17Feb it was at 12mm... it needs to be at least 18mm.

This whole 'wait and see' game is so nerve-wrecking... First I have to continually check the size of the follicles, then hope that they develop to the desired size, then wait for ovulaton, then wait to see if the egg had been fertilized, then wait to see if my period comes (hopefully not for the right reason)... Arghhhhhhh...

Unfortunately I don't have the luxury of sitting back and play the waiting game because I will be travelling soon and it is useless if I ovulate when Mark and I are in different countries!!

早生贵子

Mark and I called his grandmother and 2 aunties to wish them 'Happy New Year' on the first day of the Chinese New Year... As I'd expected (and dreaded), his grandmother wished me '早生贵子' (literally translates into 'be blessed with a son') for the 3rd consecutive year. I responded by saying that I hope her wish comes true. Geez, I have 'deprived' this poor old lady of her 2 'highly prized great-grandkids (ok perhaps this only applies to Lucas cos Mark and I are sure that with her very traditional thinking, she would want a grandson to carry on the family name).

I do wish I could have told her that I have given her 2 Angels instead, but decided against it because I seriously doubt she'll understand or appreciate what I say. Well, for her sake and for mine, I hope I will be able to give her the grandchild she so badly wants. Hopefully I will stop giving her false hopes and more disappointments...

The annex weekend went by too quickly... I think it'll be a long time before another extended weekend comes our way . Mark and I spent most of the time together over the past 4 days and naturally, we irritated the shit out of each other at one time or another. But now that he's gone back to work today, I am already missing him like mad. It'll be another 2 hours till I see him...