Baby Chloe

The name of this shop made me stop dead in my tracks. I stood in front of the shop window for a long time and simply stared blankly. Oh and it was a shop selling baby and children's clothings no less.

I really miss my Baby Chloe, so much that it hurts so bad.

Acupuncture Session #3

Went for my third acupuncture session and this time it did hurt a fair bit. Not sure if it is because more needles were used... I am pretty amazed with myself because I used to be terrified of needs and would be sleepless the night before any major check-up due to the fear of needles. After going through 2 miscarriages and the range of tests, I have somewhat gotten 'immune' to it... Sure, of course it still hurts, but it's mind over matter now.

However, I did also learn through experience that physical pain is nowhere compared to the pain in the heart, so it's no big deal really. Moreover, the acupuncture only last 20 minutes... I am still taking the funky tasting medicine daily and so far, I am doing it with gusto. Something that tastes that awful MUST be good right??

When Can I Have My Correct Change Back?

I was chatting with my aunty yesterday when I visited my uncle in hospital (he was admitted back in for low blood pressure) and my aunty casually mentioned to me that my mom's been pretty bored at home with not much things to do after her retirement in July. I felt soooooo guilty when I heard this because the ONLY reason why my mom decided to retire was because per our original plans, she'd take a 'break' for 3 months after she retires in July, and when October comes, she'd help me with Chloe once she's born and also look after me during my confinement period. My mom will then continue to take care of Chloe after I finish my maternity leave and go back to work.

My mom had been in the workforce for the past 35 odd years, and she always likes to keep herself busy. Now that she is at home everyday and there is no grandchild for her to care for, she has been bored stiff. I guess the 'grandson' she is looking after now is my little Huskee, and she had also been trying to keep herself busy by sewing a new bed for her 'granddaughter' Hershey.

If only I didn't miscarry, my mom would have been happily (and busily) looking after grandchild. Chloe would have brought so much joy into her grandparents' lives... she would have brought so much laughter into our family... she'd be the gem in her grandparents' eyes. I just feel like I have not only short-changed my husband, I have also short-changed my parents... And at the end of it all, I feel like I have been short-changed by God.

I received a work-related call early this morning from a supplier, and the first thing she asked me was if I was working today. Told her that I am actually on leave and her immediate reply was 'Oh, did you take the day off to send your kids to school?'. I felt that it was so presumptuous of this person to assume that I have kids... and how would she even know if I'm married??

Anyway, it kind of spoilt my day somehow... I finished the conversation with a bad taste in my mouth and ended up in a sourly mood. I wish I had kids that I can bring to school. I wish the reason why I had taken leave today is because it is the first day of school and I am sending my kids there.

I saw this pic on a friend's blog which I absolutely adore. It is a pic of her baby's hands and her doggie's paw. It is a very simple photo, but speaks volumes (at least to me). It is a scene that I desperately long to see in MY home... hopefully it will happen soon.

First Post of 2010...

New Year's Eve came and went... spent the countdown at a friend's house and toasted to the end of 2009 and the begining of 2010 with a glass of wine. Went home in the wee hours, showered and dozed off watching 'Runaway Bride'.

We had a group of friends over at our place for BBQ dinner on New Year's Day and it was great fun... Mark pulled a weird stunt on a friend and the poor bloke ended up with beer pouring in (or out??) of his nostrils. I also invited Amanda and her family over as I wanted Mark to meet them. The highlight of the day for me was that I carried Amanda and rocked her to sleep! I think I really need to exercise more cos I ended up with achy arms the next day... Little Amanda is such a sweetie, I wish I could have held her forever. When I was holding her and rocking her to sleep, I wondered if it was how Chloe would have felt like... would Chloe also have the same baby scent?

According to Amanda's mummy, there is an old wive's belief that for people who want to conceive, holding a newborn baby will bring baby dust, hence she had me hold onto Amanda for quite a while. I sure hope it works!! This is the first time I have held another baby in my arms since 26 June 2009, where I held Chloe for the first and also the last time. I had a lot of emotions inside me at that time... the one that was most acute and obvious was a sense of longing, followed by a sense of loss.

2010... I wonder what the new year will bring.

The Lessons of 2009

Today is the last day of another eventful year, and I will see 2009 off with mixed emotions. This is the year where I went through one of the happiest periods of my life, as well as the saddest. For 6 whole months, I basked in the joy and contentment of 'motherhood' when I was expecting Chloe. For every single minute of those 6 months, I savoured in secret delight that I'd have a little baby girl in my arms by October 2009.

Everything became topsy-turvey the moment my waterbag broke prematurely and we were told that we were to lose her. In the blink of the eye, the happiest year of my life became the saddest. In that cruel twist of fate, I have once again been denied of the baby that Mark and I so badly yearned for and love. On 26 June 2009, my precious princess joined her big brother, Lucas, in heaven.

This year, I have learnt several invaluable lessons...

• I have learnt how fragile and unpredictable life can be. How you can be at the top of the world this moment, and find yourself in the dungeons of hell the next.
• I have learnt to love unconditioinally and treasure the people around me, especially family.
• I have learnt to be grateful, I am grateful that I got to spend 14 precious weeks with Lucas, and grateful to him for making me a 'mom' for the first time. I am grateful for the 6 months I had with Chloe. I am grateful that I got to feel Chloe move inside me and I am grateful that I got to kiss her and hold her in my arms for those 15 minutes. I am grateful for a loving and suppportive husband. I am grateful for having a supportive boss and colleagues. I am grateful for the 'angels' who appeared from out of nowhere and supported me in their own unique ways through my darkest hour.
• I have learnt to accept whatever that is thrown at me and that I don't have control over everything.
• I have learnt that life is not fair and I just have to live with it whether I like it or not. C'est la vie...
• I am learning how not to sweat the small stuff.
• I am learning how to appreciate what I had/ have.
• I am learning to find whatever strength and courage there is left within me to 'try again'.

I can probably go on with the list forever cos 2009 is a huge year in my life. Indeed, it was filled with a lot of tears and pain, but I wouldn't change it for anything because 6 out of those 12 months have been filled with a lot happiness. This is also the year where I got to 'meet' my daughter.

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Happy New Year to my two Angels, Lucas and Chloe . Mummy's love and thoughts are right there with you, today and always.

I met with the friend who recently miscarried yesterday arvo... While she was sharing with me her ordeal, I felt as though I was going through the miscarriage all over again, all the pain, the heartache, the tears, the anger, the fear... She is going through all the rollercoaster ride of emotions that I went through and I am glad I can be there to share my experience with her and let her know that how she is feeling is completely normal.

When I miscarried Lucas, there was simply no one I could talk to who understood and I felt so alone and helpless. The (very expensive) hospital that I went to also did not offer any support or counselling after my miscarriage, and I honestly didn't know that such help was available. All my friends were able to conceive without too much fuss and have normal pregnancies, so I felt like I was a 'freak of nature' (actually I still feel this way now ).

Well, I hope to be able to do all I possibly can for this friend to tide her over this difficult period. I can't say that I know how she feels 100% because everyone goes through and manages grief differently, but I hope I can at least offer her a listening ear.

Before we parted ways, she told me she'll also pray for me and for my dream to come true (she is a staunch Christian). I thought was really sweet.

Looking Back...

3 months ago, I'd not have imagined myself to still be here today (and in one piece). That was at the begining of my depression and I guess I was the lowest point of my life. As I did not intend to be here by Christmas 09, I actually bought and wrapped up most of the Christmas presents really early (begining of Nov). This is the first and only year that I have been so 'efficient'. The reason for this is because in case I am not here by Christmas, at least I have most of the presents sorted out and all Mark needs to do is just to give them out according to the labels. On the other hand, there were some that I bought really last minute because I didn't expect that I'd still be around for so long, so there was a last minute dash to the shops as well.

Me still being here today is somewhat of a incredulity... I have to pinch myself to make sure I am real. I somehow 'survived' Christmas... one down, one more to go... Hopefully New Year will be 'manageable' too...

Disappointment before Christmas

On Christmas Eve, I followed the fertility doctor's order and did a home pregnancy test in case I still have not gotten my period by then. It'd have been one week 'overdue' at that time and I have to take this test before I start on the fertility medication that she prescribed me. Disappointingly, only one line showed up, i.e. 'Not Pregnant'. Not that the result was a surprise, but I was still disappointed nevertheless.

And that afternoon, my stupid period came... I wouldn't have wasted the pregnancy test kit if I had waited another day!! But on a brighter note, it is my first natural cycle since the miscarriage and I guess it came close enough to the previous cycle with only a one week delay. All my previous cycles after miscarrying Chloe were 'stimulated' with the aid of medication, and with my history of irregular menses (hence the need to have assisted fertility), this is pretty good news.

Hopefully the TCM doctor that I have just started seeing will be able to sort me out since the Western doctors cannot find anything wrong with me. Friends have been egging me to check out TCM for the longest time, so I decided that it is worth a shot. This particular doc that I am seeing specialises in fertility issues and the best thing is that he can speak a smattering of English (woohooo!!). Anyway, the doc said that my kidneys are a bit weak... how he can deduce this merely by checking my pulse is beyond me, and how he can tell that I haven't been sleeping well by simply looking at my tongue is bewildering too. Oh and he was also spot-on when also asked if my headaches are usually on the left temple... He might have been a part-time psychic on his off-days.

Anyway, I have been given some really funky tasting Chinese medicine to drink (supposedly to build my body up). So far, I have been gulping it down without whining too much because I am keeping my fingers crossed that it'd make me and my womb strong enough to house a baby for 40 weeks.