Treasure Chests -- Part I

Finally bought all the necessary things that I need to create my 'Lucas's Treasure Chest' and 'Chloe's Treasure Chest'.

After I lost Lucas last year, I put all his things into a little rattan basket... the things include the positive home pregnancy kit, a pair of blue mittens that a friend gave me to drop 'hints' to Mark before he found out I was pregnant, photos of all the scans taken of him, bills and medical records, cards that I received after I lost him, a poem, etc... So now, I want to do the same for Chloe too, and I decided to let them have 'matching' boxes (or 'Treasure Chest' as I'd rather call it cos it sounds more precious/ important than 'box'), other than the fact that the decoration on Lucas's Treasure Chest will be boyish blue and Chloe's will be a girly pink.

I hope I can find the strength and courage to gather Chloe's things and put them into the Treasure Chest because it's like opening up a wound that's barely been healed. When I found out I was pregnant with Chloe, I took close to 8-10 home pregnancy tests over a period of 1 week because I could not believe the results... so bringing out those kits will bring back a lot of memories.. and I also have pictures of the scans which were taken at 12 weeks and 20 weeks... of course there are also pieces of the clothings that I bought for her (other than the 5 pieces that were creamated along with her, there are still a couple of others still hanging in the wardrobe)... oh and I also got her some pretty, pink bibs so it'd go into the treasure chest as well... and lastly of course are the medical records and bills, as well as the cards that I received after we lost her.

Please let me find the courage to do this...

Tears in Heaven

Considering the fact that both Lucas and Chloe were so young when they left me, and that they have not actually 'seen' me before, how would they know who I am even if they see me one day? Would they know that I am their mummy? Would they come and hold my hands? Would they let me give them the hug that's been so long overdue? Would they let me kiss their cheeks?

Somber Sunday

We were supposed to go to the temple this morning to offer prayers to Lucas and Chloe since it's the Ghost Festival, but then it started to rain cats and dogs... So I remained curled up in bed in my favourite position while looking at the rain, listening to the rain and smelling the rain. It was very theraputic in a way.. to be able to be 100% engrossed in my own thoughts, think what I want to think and feel what I want to feel for the whole of that one hour.

Actually the only thing that was on my mind was 'How come my babies are there in some temple when they should be with me instead?'. Anyway, I'll never have an answer to this question...

We then went to Ngee Ann City for a late lunch and lo and behold.. they were holding a Baby Fair there. This is exactly what I needed... loads of heavily pregnant women, infants, toddlers... It made me feel like I wanted to kill myself there and then. This should've been THE time that Mark and I went shopping for Chloe's little cot, her pram, more clothings, toys, blankets, towels, bibs, shoes, socks and mittens... Looking at all those heavily pregnant ladies was very very hard too. Why them, not me? Where is my belly? Where is my baby? What did I do to deserve this? Again, no answers...

Lucas and Chloe's Daddy

Just came home from dinner... it's not the dinner that I want to 'talk' about.. it's the car ride home. On the way home in the car, Mark started a conversation about Chloe by saying that he missed her. He rarely does this because he knows it's treading on dangerous waters as this 'topic' is very sensitive and would make me sad/ depressed. He continued by telling me that other than me, only his sister knows how sad he really is about losing Chloe.

Most of the other people think that he is strong and is coping well with the pain of the loss. To be honest, only very few people have asked him how he felt and whether he's coping. I guess it's because society expects the man to be strong. He then told me to read the SMS exchange that he sent to his sister from the period 24 June 2009 to 26 June 2009. This is the period which I was in hospital and Chloe's fate was literally hanging by a thread.

These are some of the SMSes that Mark sent to his sister:

• 25 June 2009 - 'God has taken Lucas from us, I don't want him to take Chloe from us too.'
• 25 June 2009 - 'I see Shane lying on the bed and there is nothing I can do... Feeling so helpless waiting for fate to decide. I am very worried for her too.'
• 26 June 2009 - 'Shane delivered already. Baby is very perfect and cute. We spent some time together before they took Chloe to the mortuary.'

I cried silently all the way home... he does not deserve to go through this. I felt so sorry for Mark... While I know he is very sad about losing Chloe, I was focusing only on my own grief. That poor man had been grieving in his own way and had been suffering in silence. At the same time, he had to take care of me (mentally, physically and emotionally) during this period while trying to mask his own sadness.

Mark and I have been together as a couple for 11 and a half years. During this period, MANY (I actually lost count) of my friends have told me that I am very fortunate to have met and married him because he is so good to me, dotes on me and loves me so much. I have heard this from day one since our days in Australia when we started dating. He never fails to put me before himself and is willing to splurge on the most ridiculously expensive things for me just to make me happy, even for a brief moment.

During those days in Melbourne, he was willing to spend 70% of the monthly allowance that his dad sent to him on something impractical for me... usually a bag. How he managed to survive on the remaining 30% is still a mystery to me since he had to pay rent, phone bills, etc. There was one evening when I casually mentioned that I missed my Chanel 'Allure' perfume cos I left it back home in Singapore. He immediately went out to buy it without my knowledge, and I learnt from a friend that he ran all the way to the departmental store just to get it for me before it closed for the day. Another time he bought me this set of Forever Friends alphabet bears that spelt out 'I LOVE YOU'... I think that was one of the very first gifts from him. Sadly, I accidentally lost them away while we were moving house. I have been feeling guilty about it ever since.

I admit that I have always taken Mark for granted until I lost Lucas last year. It's like I suddenly realised how strong he really was mentally and emotionally, and how much I meant to him. It seemed like the experience suddenly made him 'grow up' overnight. I have seen a side of him that I have never known in our 10 years together. Again, it's a humbling experience to know that there is a person who loves me so much.

Till today, I still have friends telling me how fortunate I am to have Mark, in fact, my best friend and I just had this conversation not too long ago at the poolside one evening... and my answer has always been 'Yes, I know that'... I truly do.

That's also mainly the reason why I am so desperate/ determined to give him a child, cos I know other than being a great husband, he'd be a fantastic daddy. If there is one lesson that I learnt from the loss of my 2 angels, it is that their daddy is a wonderful man...I am very lucky to have met him on that faithful night while visiting friends at a hostel 11 and a half years ago and made him fall in love at first sight (or so he claims until this day).

If one day our marriage should break down for whatever reason/s, I know it's my loss. I also know that whichever girl that ends up with him will be so very fortunate... I know this for a fact cos I am speaking from experience.

Birthday Wishes... do they come true?

Today is my brother-in-law's birthday and I sent him a text message to wish him 'Happy Birthday' and for all his wishes to come true. He replied with something that really touched my heart... he said that he'd wish for whatever that I wish for to come true. It's clear that I only have one wish... I want a happy and healthy baby of my own. The message from him, though short and sweet, touched me more than he'd ever know.

This also reminded me of what my best friend told me. On her birthday in July this year, she told me that her wish is for me to get what I wish for. I feel so humbled by this act of kindness by her and my brother-in-law. ...

Well, no one knows exactly if birthday wishes do come true, but even if it doesn't, their simple, selfless gesture meant a great deal to me. It makes me feel blessed, loved and grateful for the people I have in my life.

*** Happy Birthday, dear Dennis... If you ever do get to read this, I hope that you will get me a sister-in-law (大嫂) soon so that she can 'take over' my place during the mahjong sessions on Chinese New Year. I think your mom is going to give-up on imparting her mahjong knowledge and skills to me pretty soon after so many years because I am a lost cause... ***

Chloe and Hershey

I deeply regret that I have not taken more photos of me/ my belly when I was still pregnant with Chloe. I never knew that I'd lose her after 6 short months. If I'd known, I definitely would have taken heaps of photos of my precious belly.

These are 2 of the much treasured photos that I took about 2 weeks before I miscarried Chloe (around week 22 of my pregnancy). They were taken on 2 separate days and I took the photos because I was amused by how Hershey laid on my belly while I was watching TV in bed. Hershey NEVER used to do it prior to me getting pregnant and I was really surprised when she first did that cos she has always been more attached to Mark than to me, and this rare display of affection was so unexpected. It surprised me enough to take photos of it. Now I am glad I did...

Previously, Mark and I always used to say to Hershey that she is now a 'big sister' to Chloe and that is Chloe's Guardian Angel, so she needs to protect and take care of her 'little sister'... I always found it so sweet when Hershey did that because it looked and felt as though she is 'bonding' with her little sister.

Sadly, Hershey has stopped laying on my belly ever since I lost Chloe... Well, she does come and lie down BESIDE me, but never on my belly anymore.. Do you think Hershey knows/ can sense that Chloe is no longer with us and that's why she's stopped laying on my belly? (Oh and Hershey's been 'sacked' from her Guardian Angel position for failing in her job).

What If... Supposing... If Only.... Imagine If...

In my perfect world, on this day - 26 Aug 2009, little Chloe would still be happily growing and developing in my belly. Today, she'll be 33 weeks in gestation and eagerly waiting for the moment where she'd be welcomed into this world in a couple of week's time. When that time comes, my baby will be safely and lovingly cocooned in her mummy's arms, totally doted upon and loved by her family and extended family, given all the nice material goods that money can buy, and given all the love and care that money cannot buy. If only I still had her...

Unfortunately, this is NOT a perfect world... Today, 26 Aug 2009, I have lost weight instead of gained weight, I have flattened belly and there isn't a baby in sight. During the early months when we still had Chloe, Mark and I had planned to decorate Chloe's nursery in Aug, in time for her arrival in October. Now, that room is left in it's original state. There is no baby cot.. no baby clothes.. no baby toys.. bascially there will be no baby this October.

Today marks the 2nd month since I have lost my princess... 26 June 2009 feels like it was only yesterday. All the pain, helplessness and anguish still seems so raw. I am still missing her so much. I really miss feeling her move inside my belly.. I only got to savour the feeling of feeling Chloe moving inside me for 3 precious weeks. It's a feeling that I'd never forget, to feel a life moving inside of you.. it felt ike a flutter of angel wings.. maybe it was the flutter of her angel wings that I felt.

Not forgetting my Lucas... In my perfect world, if only I had successfully carried him to term till early/mid Dec 08 (guess I'd never know the date that he was supposed to be born for sure), my firstborn would've been 8 months old now. At this age, he'd have been able to sit without support, stand holding onto furniture, crawl all over the place... Will he suck on his thumb like I did when I was young? Will he be able to feel my love for him in my kisses? Will he lie on my chest and feel the love in my heart? Will he look into my eyes and see how much I love him? If only I had my darling boy... I'd give up anything, even my own life, in exchange for his.

Unfortunately, the sad reality is that I have lost BOTH of them. It's now the Chinese Seventh Month i.e. Hungry Ghost Festival and I was told by elders that I have to go to a temple and give them my babies' names so that the temple can help them chant for reincarnation. I wasn't religious but I did that because I only want the best for them no matter where they are. I was supposed to love and protect them on Earth, but because I failed so miserably, I can only try and do my best to extend my love and 'protection' to this unknown place where they are at.

It breaks my heart so so so much every time I think of this... my Lucas and Chloe are supposed to be right here with their mummy... and NOT in a temple waiting for reincarnation. It's totally my fault that they are in this predicament... the ONLY thing that they did wrong was that they picked me as their mummy. If only they had picked another woman as their mom... they'd still be alive today.

Depression???

It's almost 2 months since I lost Chloe and as each day goes by, I find myself getting sadder and more depressed, though I am completely capable of acting normal in the presence of family and friends. I have uncontrollable mood swings and I break down in flood of tears at the snap of fingers... I feel like I don't know myself anymore. I'm even scared of myself cos I don't know what to expect.. and to be frank, I truly think I am capable of hurting myself when I am alone.

I have always always prided myself as a very logical person and I have always been a person who thinks with my head and never let emotions get the better of me. However, this time round, I don't know why but I just feel so so so tired. I have no motivation to do anything.. even my used to be favourite past time, i.e. shopping, is no longer fun and feels like such a hassle. I can't think logically anymore.

I think one of the last logical things that I did for myself is that I went searching for more information on depression (mainly on the symptoms) and here's what I found (in BLUE text and my response in GREEN).. I think I am thinking too much.. hopefully...

Are you clinically depressed?

If you identify with several of the following signs and symptoms, and they just won’t go away, you may be suffering from clinical depression.

• you can’t sleep or you sleep too much - I have been averaging 3 hours (or if I am very lucky around 4 hours) sleep per night for the past 3 weeks (no naps in the day). Is this considered ok?


• you can’t concentrate or find that previously easy tasks are now difficult - not really.. I think... so what's the question again?


• you feel hopeless and helpless - yup.. absolutely can identify with this.. hopeless, helpless, pointless, meaningless, useless...


• you can’t control your negative thoughts, no matter how much you try - another resounding 'yes'. Let me cite some examples.. when I cross the road, I'd imagine how nice it'd be to be knocked down by a car/ bus/ whatever.. or when I am cutting up food, I'd consider how sweet it'd be to run the blade of the knife across my wrist.. or when I am at the top of the escalator coming down, I fantasize about how I can 'accidently' hurtle down from the top (though I have to make sure there isn't anyone in front of me). Then again, all these are just thoughts, I have not executed them up till now cos I am a coward.


• you have lost your appetite or you can’t stop eating - where's my appetite gone? Anyone seen it please return it back to me. I am perfectly happy if I don't have to eat for the whole day, though in the presence of company, I can make myself eat.


• you are much more irritable and short-tempered than usual - haha.. just verify this with Mark.. he can attest to it. He's the poor 'victim'.


• you have thoughts that life is not worth living (Seek help immediately if this is the case) - In the last 2 months, every time I wake up, I feel sorely disappointed that I did. I have totally no more aim in life (for now at least) and feel that it's all bleak and depressing...

Depression is a major risk factor for suicide. The deep despair and hopelessness that goes along with depression can make suicide feel like the only way to escape the pain.

Thoughts of death or suicide: A serious symptom of depression. A suicidal person may not ask for help, but that doesn't mean that help isn't wanted. Most people who are suicidal don't want to die — they just want to stop hurting. Take any suicidal talk or behavior seriously. It's not just a warning sign that the person is thinking about suicide: it's a cry for help.

OK, so do I have depression or not??

Sweet Dr T

I went back to the hospital so that they can do some follow-up checks on my blood to (hopefully) rule out some possible causes for recurrent miscarriages... and I finally wrote the looooong overdue 'thank you' card to my doctor, Dr T, who delivered Chloe and whom I have been seeing for all the follow-up checks. Writing that card was hell a lot harder than I initially expected, so I procrastinated for a while, but it's something that I really wanted to do/ had to do because I truly appreciated his soothing bedside manner and his patience in explaining things to me (I am not exactly the sharpest crayon in the box!!).

Dr T then shared with me that he actually felt bad about me having to stay in the same ward (i.e. maternity ward) as all the women who have just given birth. When he said that, I was dumbstruck because this 'issue' is something that bothered me a whole lot but I have never thought of doing anything about it ... To be more precise, I didn't know what I can do about it.

I went through this very horrible but unforgettable experience twice, and I hope never ever again. The first experience was when I miscarried Lucas. Then, it wasn't that bad cos I was in a single bedded ward so I didn't get to see babies, hear babies crying or nurses teaching the new moms how to breastfeed. But when I was settling the paper work and waiting to be discharged, I couldn't help but notice the stark contrast between myself and the other moms. Also, MOST of the people in that ward have something to smile and be happy about, but not me. I am the sole one who is being discharged without my baby. He won't be coming home with me... ever.

The second time round with Chloe, we were advised to opt for a subsidized ward so that in the event if Chloe had a fighting chance, she'd have to stay in the NICU for a long time and we can put aside the money for her hospitalisation bills. There were also some other reasons related to government subsidies, so we heeded their advice and opted for a 6-bedded room.

Unfortunately, Chloe did not get that fighting chance that I so badly wished for and I ended up still having to share a room with 5 other women who have/ will go on to have ALIVE, brawling, healthy babies. I'll never forget that night because even though I took a sleeping tablet, I was wide awake. I kept hearing the nurses bringing in the newborns so that they can be fed by their moms. It pained me so much cos while other babies were safely cocooned in their warm blankies and in their mother's arms, MY baby was lying alone in the coldness of the mortuary. I am amazed that I managed to keep my sanity... but that was the longest night of my life. I have never felt more alone, more vulnerable, more frustrated, more helpless and more depressed...

So far I have only shared this very traumatic experience with my best friend and Mark, and very briefly in my very first post. It was only until today that the sweet Dr T told me he felt traumatised on my behalf about what I had to go through that night, so much so that he'd given a feedback about it. Hopefully, the hospital (or rather all hospitals) can make some changes/ improvements in this area. Perhaps they can have a separate ward for people going through pregnancy loss rather than bundling them into the maternity ward. I am sure this will be very much appreciated by bereaved mothers.

Anyway, it really touched me beyond words that the doctor was so empathetic... Ok, I may be making a sweeping statement, but I really don't expect a guy to be this sensitive --- it's something I leant from experience! Moreover, for him as a doctor, it's just a job and at the end of the day I am Patient X who miscarried at 24 weeks. I think we need more doctors like him... empathy is not something that they teach in school. Thank you, Dr T, from the bottom of my heart.

The results of my blood test will be out in 2 week's time. I hope fervently that it will show what the heck is wrong with me/ my body so that if I do gather the courage to try and conceive again, I will be able to carry my baby to term. Then again, my gut feeling (its been pretty accurate so far) is already telling me the results will come back 'ok', meaning I won't know the reason behind the 2 miscarriages.. and why instead of having 2 children, I ended up with 2 angels.

** Dear God... Please trust me when I say that I really have more than enough angels... Please keep both my angels safe in your care until they are back where they belong in my arms, and if it's not too much to ask, can you please send me a healthy baby the next time round? It'd be a refreshing change to be able to happily bring home a wriggling pink/ blue bundle instead of going home empty-handed and with a broken heart. Thank you.

Bad Day... or Week??

I have been having a super bad day... week to be exact. I don't know what is wrong with me. I have a super short fuse and I feel oh so very emotional. The slightest thing makes me cry.. it can be an image, a song, or even a mere thought. The person at the brunt of my mood swings and my emotional outbursts is my poor long-suffering Mark, whom I reckon must be confused, bewildered and upset. Somehow, we have been arguing (it's more like me picking fights with him) over the slightest, tiniest things and for the past 3 nights, we have gone to sleep angry and annoyed with each other. This rarely happened in the past because I am a staunch believer of not going to bed with a argument unsettled.

I know it's my fault, but I don't know how to stop it from happening. I try and ask myself what's wrong, and I think I have found my answer. It's almost 2 months since losing Chloe, and the pain in my heart is just getting worse. If my waterbag didn't break, she'd still be safely cuddled inside me, and this would have been her 32nd week. In around 6-8 more weeks, she'd have been ready to see the world and be the most loved and spoiled little girl ever.

I have so much built-up resentment, disappointment and anger... mainly directed at myself for my failure to carry them to term. I cannot forget the look on Chloe's little face as I held her in my arms. That image will forever haunt me because she looked so perfect, so helpless and so innocent. My failure led to her death.. and her brother's too. Not many murderers out there kill their own kids.. I guess this makes me worse than a murderer??

Last Sunday, we found out that Mark's cousin had very recently given birth to a little boy. Lucas and Chloe have yet another cousin whom they'll never get to meet or play with. This little baby will never know of his other cousins who are in a place called 'heaven' because it'd be deemed a 'taboo' to mention. I sent his cousin a baby gift for her little boy... This is the THIRD baby gift I have sent out in the 2 months since losing Chloe and probably the nth one since losing Lucas. When will it be my turn to be at the receiving end of baby pressies?

Why is it that other people's babies were given the chance at life and my babies were not? Why are other people's babies able to snuggle and gurgle contentedly in their parents' arms while mine are in an entirely different place? Why?

I don't think Mark knows what's going through in my head and inside my heart. I think he, like all the rest, thinks that I am 'recovering'. I'm not... I am just getting better at acting. I know he misses them a lot too, but I do wish that he expresses it more, or that he can acknowledge my feelings more. I want to be able to cry whenever I want to and not try to hold back my tears and replace it with a fake smile plastered on my face.

I am so tired of trying to ACT normal... trying to ACT happy... trying to ACT like my heart is not broken. Acting can be so very tiring... but this is the expectation that people have of me, and I think it has been always in me that I will try to meet/ exceed other people's expectations. I think this time will be an exception because I simply cannot do it anymore. I just want to be weak and cry whenever I want to.

People tell me that I will feel 'better' as time passes.. but why is it that I am feeling worse with each passing day? How much more tears can I shed? How much further can my heart break?